The sun beat down mercilessly on her skin, the sharp golden light filtering through her lids and setting her brain on fire. Gods, she was so tired, her body protested as she rolled over and began to climb to her feet, her stomach sloshing with the emptiness.
She couldn't remember the last time she ate and the scent of whatever they were cooking had her tongue watering and her stomach protesting. Her head was thumping in pain, she felt like she had drunk way too much alcohol with the way her head was throbbing.
She clearly hadn't been eating enough food, especially with the way Vanya had cussed her out in that motherly tone. She hadn't looked at herself in a clear mirror in months so she hadn't had time to really look at her body, she knew she had lost some weight but she hadn't realised how drastic it was until her sister had told her so. Lifting her wrist up, she wrapped her fingers around it and still had space for another three fingers to be inserted in between. Her weight loss was drastic but she felt fitter, her endurance seemed better. Perhaps that was all she had wanted to notice.
Climbing to her feet she gripped her head as tears glistened in her eyes, gods she really shouldn't have stayed up all night having a heart to heart with Vanya. It had made her soul lighter but now her body was paying for it, she felt like lead.
Rummaging through her still packed red bag from when she had first entered the camp, she pulled out some clean clothes. Unfolding her favourite black jumpsuit in all its fresh glory. It was a reminder of the the woman she had been, veiled in black and forever mourning a love that had been so deep.
Heaving a sigh, she gathered her clothes and some toiletries before heading down to the bathing area. She had wiped her skin down last night but today she would take a long swim in the pool. It was one of the only things she would miss about this place.
------
She stepped out of the cabin, her hair slicked into a plait at the nape of her head and a few loose pieces framing her pale and slightly gaunt face. She had cleaned the small mirror in the bathroom and had taken a good look at her face. Her golden skin wasn't so bronzed any more even though she had been exposed to so much sun.
There was this greyness to her skin that made her look sick, her face was narrower and she had dark circles ringed under her eyes. She looked worn out. 3 months and she looked like the waking dead, it was scary what a few months could do to the body.
She griped her dripping hair in her towel as she made her way to the smoking fire pit, most people had already gone on to continue what she assumed was their packing butbsoemorn had left a plate with her name on it.
Picking up the plate with the eggs, meat, oats and some blackberries she made her way to the Alpha tent where she knew everyone would be. The flap flipped open as she stepped into the tense room, a blackberry popped in her mouth as she nodded her greetings.
Her hands began to shake in joy as she placed her food down and then extended her arms. The little form flew across the room, pale blonde hair whipping around her as she flew into Jana's arms
"Zosia" she cried, inhaling the fresh smell of roses that clung to her shiny hair and glowing skin. Her hair was braided into two long pigtails that had green ribbons threaded through them. She grinned at Jana, her mouth spread wide which caused the tears that Jana had been holding back to break.
"You lost a tooth" she cried, Zosia was a bit young to be loosing teeth but with the tough meat they sometimes ate, she wasn't all that surprised.
"Tak," she grinned wider, her chest puffing up in pride and in that moment she looked so much like her father. Jana's heart thudded with so much love as she smothered the little girl in kisses, wrapping her in her arms and standing to her feet. Little legs wrapped around her hips as Zosia settled her head on Jana's shoulder.
"Zosia, perhaps you should go visit Carina" suggested Blake but Jana wasn't prepared to let her go yet.
"She can stay, it's not like she hasn't seen the worst of some people" murmured Jana, taking a seat in a free chair and tucking the girl under her chin.
Pride glimmered in her brothers eyes as he smirked at Simeon.
"Perhaps it's best she start packing" questioned Simeon which just seemed to annoy Jana even more.
"We aren't leaving yet so it's not necessary" she spat, pulling Zosia in tighter, the girl oblivious as she curled a loose ringlet around her finger. He shook his head in annoyance but he didn't say anything else, the room filling with awkwardness before Vanya cleared her throat and broke the silence.
"I think Jana and Simeon have a lot to discuss, come on Kotik," her hand waving out as she waited for Zosia to run to her. She hesitantly looked up at Jana and when she received her approval, Zosia ran over to Vanya.
"You've grown so much," she murmured in her ear. The moment would have been endearing if it didn't hint to the fact that Vanya knew Zosia and if she knew Zosia than she must have known Simeon.
It had always played on her mind the fact that Khan had been happy to let her go with a man that she had ever met. It was as if he had known Simeon all his life but the male had never stepped foot inside her house, to her knowledge anyway. Yet here they were. Zo was comfortable with her sister and apparently Vanya had met Zosia before Jana had ever met her or Simeon. Something wasn't right here.
As soon as the tent flap closed in their retreat she turned to him, resignation set all along his body.
"Here we are again," she mocked humourlessly, it seemed they were forever in tents talking about things that would never be fixed but pretending that they could be. He regarded her with a cool state, nerves filtering behind his dark orbs but his face was stoic. Unmoving as was the way with Simeon.
"How long have you known Vanya?" Her body slouching in the seat.
He shrugged his shoulders dismissively as he leaned against the desk, legs crossed and arms folded in a disinterested manner as if he had no cares in the world. "Not sure, about 15 or so years,"
"So she knew Melaina?" These were things that she perhaps should have been asking Vanya, things that she should have already known but there seemed to always be things that were veiled.
"Yes, she helped her give birth to Zosia" he nodded.
"And Khan, how long have you known him for?" Her body shifting in the seat as she sat more upright.
His head tilted to the side and his pale lashes flickered over his dark eyes as he regarded her with interest, pondering whether to tell the full truth, "Since we were about fifty, we attended Alpha training together."
Her lips pursed together in frustration. Simeon and Khan had known each other for the longest time. She knew that Khan hadn't met Kyle until after he had passed his training, that take of their meeting one of two prideful males battling against each other. Simeon though, they had known each other forever and yet she had never met him. This situation wasn't right.
"Why have I never met you before."
His lips flatlined as he stroked his growing beard, "Ask your father that," he grunted, shoulders shrugging dismissively but there was a glint behind his eyes that told a story. His body spoke a thousand words. His shoulders were tensed and his jaw was clenched, hands fisting before his demeanour melted back into a placid state.
"So what happens now?" She hesitantly questioned, already knowing her answer but hoping against all hopes that he wouldn't say what she thought.
He did.
"You go home with Zosia, the pack will disband. A few have chosen to enter into proper pack life whilst the others will go to Rogue Road 7..." voice dry with no emotion, it was as if nothing was happening. As if he wasn't about to hand off his daughter and leave his "mate" behind while he went off gallivanting. If that was what he was doing, it didn't skip her mind that he hadn't mentioned himself.
"And you?" Her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as her arms clenched across her chest.
He shrugged again, his attitude rubbing her the wrong way, "I have some leads that need to be followed before I can make any concrete decisions" and by concrete he meant before he could commit to his daughter and her.
Apparently he had commitments that surpassed the needs of his daughter, no surprise there. Her teeth sunk further into her lip, nostrils flaring as she tried to control the sizzling fury that churned inside her stomach and buzzed a boiling red in her mind.
"Seriously," she gritted, eyes narrowed as she sneered at him, lips curling.
"Yes. At their bunker I found some documents that suggest the Resentiam have a larger hub further up North. We will be heading up there once we gather more intel" and from there he didn't know what he would do and that was the issue.
There were no assurances that he wouldn't find more information that would lead him to go running around the country hunting down phantom people.
He chased the past, he hunted for revenge all the while his future slipped further and further away from his fingers and he watched it go. His head stood tall and chest puffed out at as he waved his future goodbye, eyes cold and mind unrelenting.
He was a disappointment and she couldn't hide how she felt. Her head shook as such despair entered her being. She could live without him and be happy but his daughter? He was the only parent she had left and he was determined to make her an orphan. She was too young for that, Zosia would never be alone not now that Jana had found her but what if she hadn't. What would Simeon do then, just hand her off to someone else because he wouldn't be swayed.
Climbing to her feet, she stepped towards him, her legs stopping a few paces away from him as she regarded him with cool eyes and a hard heart.
"I don't think I've ever felt so much disappointment in my life. You would happily hand your daughter off to someone you have known 3 months. You would do this with no care to her feelings all so you could go seek your revenge?" Her words started as a statement but she found herself quickly questioning him because she couldn't actually believe that her words were true. She needed his confirmation but at the same time she knew he'd already given it time and time again.
He heaved a sharp breath, face twisting and turning sour just like her heart was turning more and more bitter towards this male. "I don't leave my daughter with a happy heart Jana. I never have. I love her and it may not seem that way but I do."
"For a long time my revenge is all I have had-"
"That's no excuse! You have her now, you've had her for nearly 6 years Simeon and still you sit here and only let revenge fill your heart. She's a good girl, a loving child with so much to give and you just push her to the outskirts of your life as if she is a burden!" She screamed, her fists balled as she punched his chest, his body rocking back into the desk with the force.
"Doesn't it scare you that one day you'll come back and find her gone, that she won't look at you with hearts in her eyes but only with disdain? Don't you care Simeon?"
His face turned a thunderous red, veins lining his neck as he snapped "I care! I care so fucking much that it hurts me to leave her but I have to do this!"
Her face screwed up as she snarled at him, "You don't have to do anything, you want to!"
A humourless laugh climbed through her throat as tears stung her eyes, head shaking as she throbbed with anger and such deep deep disappointment.
"You know, you don't love Zosia half as much as you think you do because if you did, she wouldn't have to go anywhere because you would drop everything for her! A good father would do anything for their little girl."
Khan wasn't even her real father and he had done more for her than Simeon seemed capable of doing for his own daughter!
"I'm the best father I can be," he growled back as if that was enough. This poxy excuse of a man and father that stood before her wasn't worth her energy but Zosia was and so she tried. If only for Zo.
"You keep telling yourself that, Simeon but we all know better... and if this is the best you can give her than she's better off without you and I will see to that!" She thundered, hand slapping down against the desk as she sized him up.
"She's not your child" he rebuked.
No she wasn't, Zosia was his daughter, his blood and yet he couldn't even treat her the way she deserved. Jana never though she would never want to stop him from seeing his daughter but she had to protect Zosia because he wouldn't. It was her job to protect her from his self destructive ways because no one else would.
"Well at least I want her and she's not some fucking burden that I pass off to other people. You can't be in her life if all you are going to do is hurt her!"
"You stay or you go," shoulders shrugging and head shaking as she retreated away from him.
"I'm coming back though," she kept walking, dismissing his words as if they were nothing because they were. Nothing but false promises.
"I'm coming back to her, to you. Don't you see that Jana! I'm not leaving forever, I'm coming back!" He reiterated, his words urgent as he followed her to the entrance of the tent. His hands pulling the flap closed before she could wrench it open.
Solid muscle warm and strong against her skin but it couldn't keep the ice shards from freezing through her body.
She turned and looked at him, really looked at him. Took in his dirty pale blonde locks, his dark brown almost black eyes, the colour almost matching coal. His full top lip and straight triangular nose. His strong jaw smothered in dark blonde hairs, his pale skin that was stained a dirty reddish brown from over exposure to the sun and the earths elements. His creased and ruffled clothes that clung to his broad body.
She took him all in, head tilting as she ripped her heart out and gave it to him. Showing the icicles that had already begun to turn her veins a pale bluish white, the organ wouldn't beat for him no longer, if it ever had.
"Who said we will be waiting?"
Panic in his eyes as he gripped her shoulders tightly, eyes pleading but the ice was spreading. Her mind was becoming numb, the burning ice traveling through her blood and into her soul.
"I just, I have to do this last thing. Just this one thing" he begged for her to understand and she did.
She understood that he had lost people he loved in a horrific way. She understood loss because she had felt the same feeling and maybe it wasn't on the same level but death was death and it always hurt. She knew how easy it was to stay beneath the black shroud of death even when it wasn't chasing you any longer.
She tried not to think of her husband even when thoughts of him dominated her psyche, when she compared everything to him and what life had been like with him. She didn't verbalise these thoughts, she didn't even show it but her husbands memory dominated her life. So she understood his pain but enough was enough.
"Don't you ever get tired of showing her your back" she muttered.
He sighed, head dipping low in defeat, "All the time."
Ice settled inside her and a cold cast climbed over her being even as she made her way closer to his body. She was numb even as her heart struggled with the death of its hope for him
"Jana," his words choked as he tried to grip her in his embrace and she yielded. Bodies close but there was a void inside her growing and growing as it threatened to swallow the bond down into the black abyss that he had created. The abyss that she had fought off but it seemed that he was content to wallow in.
How many times did a female have to tell herself it was enough until she finally believed it?
"Jana" he cried, eyes clenched tight as she stood on the tips of her toes and stroked along the coarse hairs of his beard. Her lips glided across his cheeks like a feather touch, just like the bond. The bond that had bound them together, the bond that she had felt the sweet bliss of its gentle touch before it burnt to ash and disappeared in the harsh blow of the wind.
"You could of had it all if you would have just loved us a little more than your need for revenge," she muttered, dark brown eyes staring into his one last time.
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