"you can't turn around until they're all dead."

the general didn't mind small talk as long as we weren't loud. it was something that surprised me since the man was a hard ass. despite his hard cover demeanor he was quite charismatic and it almost made me forget how much of a bad person he actually was- almost.

if i had to choose a way to describe the man it would be: my worst nightmare- he created most of them anyways.

every single day i dreaded waking up to see his face that gleamed so brightly. i didn't understand how he could be content with anything after every terrible thing he had done in his life. but, even if i hated to admit it, it was actually nice to be able to talk with someone else who was real to who they were. the general was a lot of things but he wasn't a con; neither was griffith but the man closed himself of in a way i couldn't explain.

the general and i were heading out into the woods today for what marked my three month anniversary of qualifying for sicario. i couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it had only been three months. every muscle intensive and mind bending obstacle they have put me through so far made it feel like it had been a year at least.

my shoulders had broadened slightly and i shed a couple pounds off my face. i was able to endure a lot more than in the beginning but there came days where i'd still end up crying from muscle soreness or just straight up pain. having to train every single day for that long had already left a toll on me.

sometimes i'd dream of being on the course practicing hand to hand combat and punch something near me sending a shock through my nerves that instantly woke me. other nights they'd be nightmares of all the horrid tests they did on me or events that have gone down in the base itself.

thing have gotten worse; outside and in. from what i know the base lost contact with the cdc a while ago so we were in deep water without knowing what direction to go in. the general had an idea, well, he had a lot of those but he had this grand thought that he'll be the one who pushed the reset button on humanity- our own jesus of nazareth but with military credibility.

after the incident with dr. pierce, the rouge father, and i in the infirmary everything had gotten darker. the doctor miraculously survived but had suffered greatly. her brain worked well and all but no one could say the same thing about her body from the waist down.

she didn't blame me for what happened, at least that's what she says although her chocolate eyes tell me something different each time. i can't stand being around her, knowing that i'm the only reason she couldn't walk anymore. unfortunately our leader didn't trust any of the other three doctors in the base with our classified project.

that was a big part of the many secrets floating invisibly in the air around base camp but there were many other's too. since rations were growing smaller in portions, people had begun slipping in and out of the base camp to gather their own food. only a few had gotten lucky but a lot of innocent lives have been taken due to their longing for freedom.

pearl had been one of the lucky one's. i can't even begin to describe the terror i felt when she escaped with her newfound friends. she wanted me to tag along but i couldn't. it wasn't because i was scared of what could happen- i had a duty to fulfill so there wasn't anytime for me to be a reckless teenager again. i begged her not to go but she didn't listen, she never listened to anyone else.

seeing my sister leave into the world beyond the fences wasn't the worst thing, it was how she didn't stop sobbing for days on end when all of those friends were killed. she knew the only reason the soldiers didn't touch her was because she had immunity due to me striking a deal with the general. i wanted to tell her that i knew that was going to happen, that no one should be leaving like that but i kept my mouth shut knowing those words coming from me would only create raging chaos.

there was already so much pain around us and ironically the person causing most of it was also trying to end it. the general would spend night after night in an underground lab with dr. pierce and other special personnel. i didn't know what they were doing down there but i hoped that some of their work had to do with coming up with a cure. i had no doubt that whatever was going on was his big plan on saving the human race.

"what's your favorite ice cream flavor?" the man asked ducking underneath a low branch. i chuckled at the question as i did the same.

"mmm." i hummed trying to pick a flavor out of the many in my taste memories. i glanced to him, "birthday cake and that brownie chocolate ben and jerry's flavor you know?" he nodded smiling lightly with an excited 'yeah'. "what about you?"

he have a deep soft laugh that made me tense up underneath my dark gear. "that's a whole other world, solano." he clicked his tongue before looking over at me with a goofy smirk. "you don't want to get me started."

i felt a tiny smile crept onto my lips as a vibration slowly rose in my throat before i realized who i was talking to. a gave a nervous chuckle turning the other way without replying.

"are you proud you're almost a first class private?" without thinking about it, i nodded- agreeing with the man was more of a survival instinct now than not. "good, you should be." with that he pointed ahead to a clearing and signaled me to follow behind.

with the large rifle slung on my shoulder, it was hard to keep up with him but even then, i still managed to. i was internally freaking out as a part of me had convinced me that the general had taken me all the way out here to execute me and just gave me the gun so i could have a fighting chance. as terrifying as the thought was, i knew it couldn't be true- i was too valuable.

we stopped in a humble sized clearing that contained a humongous metal box. it was like the crates pressed against the fence on the military side of base except this one was longer and wider. rust had grown on it's red color and the several variety of locks that kept it shut.

i clenched my jaw watching as the general took out a key ring and began taking unlocking them, allowing each one he opened to fall to the ground. he began speaking.

"im not going to lie, you've surprised me a great deal with the progress you've made these past few months." he complimented as he started with the locks that had combinations. "despite your rocky start, you've grown into one of the best people i have ever had the opportunity to train."

for some reason the rifle was in my hands, wrapped around it so tightly that the tips of my fingers had grown pale white. i was very cautious at the moment and angry- so fucking pissed off that his compliment actually made me feel proud of myself. my hands shook slightly as i took a tiny step forward, just wanting to pull the trigger on him for bringing all of this into my life- for keeping a knife hovered over pearl, griffith, and parkes backs every second of every day.

but, i knew i wouldn't do it. instead i swallowed it all and responded, "thank you, general; it means a lot."

putting his hand on the last non-switched latch he turned to me with a serious look, "that's why i'm giving you this warning," i felt fear rise. "aim well, move fast and don't stop until you know it's over."

i didn't have time to react before the man loudly kicked the doors, creating as much ruckus as possible then ripped them open. swiftly he moved swung himself on top of the crate making sure he was out of sight as whatever was inside started tumbling out.

at least a dozen biters shuffled into the light; rabid starvation clear in their eyes. they all looked worse than i remembered them but i figured these were different for a reason. the general must've starved them for days so they'd be as fierce as they were now- clawing at the air as they approached me.

this would be the first time i'd ever have to kill one and it terrified me. even though it was game on or game over i couldn't help but freeze as they grew closer.

everything from that first experience with them at school came flooding back into the present as i cowered back with whimpers.

"fight back, solano! do not back out!" the general ordered over the conjoined growls.

"i-i can't!" i cried frantically glancing at the man. "general please do something! put them back!" but as they began swinging at me and he did nothing, i started to truly panic. "help me!" i screeched, stumbling back into a rock causing my back to hit the hard ground.

they were start to close in whilst i backed away feeling every hour of training leave my head. the general spoke once more, "hesitation leads to death!" he said. "what happened to the doctor was all your fault, solano and if you die today, something worse will happen to the three you care about!"

hearing the selfishness and hard truth come out of the man had sucked out some of the cowardice in me as i slowly stopped moving away.

"get up and fight!"

it was a shockwave but it felt more like a light switch; any flight programmed into my brain had been replaced by fight as i press down on the trigger, shooting a single one down.

i was still on the ground as one reached out towards me but i hastily rolled away, leaving it to fall to it's decaying knees and glance at me as if annoyed.

my legs propped me back up onto my feet as i raised the rifle while they attempted to surround me. they were trying to act faster like they were seconds ago but none of them knew that i was a little different then than i currently was. each one fell down with such ease that i began to feel cocky only to shun that egotistic bullshit away knowing it'd cause my death.

there were only three left but when i pulled the trigger, nothing happened. the magazine was empty and i knew who was the reason behind it.

i huffed as one lunged at me, moving out of it's way making it stumble into a tree. once the biter smacked against the bark i took advantage of the limited time window. using the bottom of the rifle i smashed it's skull in with a loud grunt right before hearing the only two left right behind me.

another rough grunt escaped my mouth as gripped both ends of the gun using it and every bit of adrenaline i had to simultaneously push to the forest floor. they were in a line trying to move against me and it felt like i was fighting against a current practically screaming as i used every last muscle in my body to shove them down on the rock i had tripped on earlier- throwing my now useless rifle with them.

the bottom biter harshly cracked it's skull open as it landed on the ragged rock instantly going silent. as the last one remained on top with a cracked spine still trying to grab me from an odd angle. i ripped off my helmet and hit the bastard with everything i had left until it barely had a head anymore. bits and pieces of it's rotten flesh landed on me in spritz but all i could do was growl in total concentration.

once i registered that there was nothing left, i tossed my helmet to the side. seeing spots in my vision and the air in my lungs coming out in uneven huffs- drained i fell to my knees. my entirety was crying out in utter exhaustion; the adrenaline in me leaving faster than it had arrived.

for a moment it felt so normal to finally have a rest from something as provocative as what happened. there was a sense of relief for that slight moment before what i had just done swept it away.

i looked around taking in all the damage i had done- no one else, just me. every body scattered stiffly in the area had once been an actual human who felt happiness, pain, sadness- now they're here, in the woods slaughtered. i couldn't help but let out a whimper at what had become of me.

sicario was kept in the archives for a reason. all those  inhumane treatments, every plan in that folder, they took something from you piece by piece until each one was forged into a distorted version and then placed it back. i was being turned into a machine.

there was a part of me, a whole other side that felt proud of everything i was capable of; and lately, no matter how much i argued with it, i started doing it less and less.

the general placed a hand on my shoulder but i couldn't even react as i was still digesting the situation. i gawked unnervingly at my own scraped, bloodied, and calloused hands as they trembled.

"it'll pass." he advised lowly. "it gets easier- don't give in now, solano." squeezing my shoulder he ended with a stern remark.

"you're not a soldier- you're a warrior even in uniform remember that."

with fatal fluctuating emotions spiraling into each of my heart strings, my hands turned into fists as i dug my fingernails into the cracked skin. intense animosity shredded everything in between causing my nails to draw blood. i repeated every normal marine's advice- what they used to get through life in the title.

you had to brainwash yourself- tell lies until you believed that every crude action was for something bigger; that's the only way you were able to live with it all. even though you know it's wrong, you can't back out no matter how much you want to. you keep holding on for something or someone that means more than anything else in the world; that something that keeps a light within you.

you had to find a mantra, a set of holy words that kept you from taking that last step downwards. they're the only thing helping you survive this because once you stop believing them- you stop holding the title and once that happens, everything is lost.

at the end of the world, for soldiers, pressing rewind was a tragic war you'd lose.

staring ahead at the bundled trees, the pressure from my nails was released before i spoke only three words.

"i'll get better."

if i was going to be whatever they wanted me to be, i might as well become the best damn one they'll ever see.