"And i heard someone screaming and crying and it was you, it sounded exactly like you."

the world- it was dark and i didn't understand what was going on. a thousand voices spoke to me all at once; they all told me that something bad was about to happen.

i was blindfolded and restrained to a chair, there wasn't anything i could do to get out. they told me it was a test, one that i needed to go through again and again until i passed.

they told me that id have to go through evaluations like this but i didn't know how close to the edge of my sanity it would send me.

i began hearing whispers at night when everything was silent; i didn't know what they told me but whatever it was, i knew it wasn't anything that brought me good fortune.

a buzzing sound went off, causing me to jump and shake in the metal chair i was in. then a familiar voice spoke over a speaker.

"this evaluation will test a lot of your reflexes especially the ones you have about risking your life for others." the voice began.

it was the colonel and the fact that the man was speaking made my breathing almost nonexistent. there was something about him that brought me to a  mental state that no one else could. maybe it was the fact that in a split second he could turn my world upside down; more than it already was of course.

the restraints on my wrists were taken off by someone who cared for me. i could tell by the way their fingers lightly brushed my skin and how the took them away in a careful manner.

i didn't ask who it was because at the moment it didn't seem to matter. i didn't know where i was or what was going on and that was the biggest weakness any living being could have.

"there are two large levers in front of you at arms length. reach for them but don't pull them yet." i did what i was told feeling a rustic metal that sent chills down my spine.

if i needed to pull a lever, why was i blindfolded?

"good. now im going to describe a scenario and i want you to imagine it in detail because you will have to make a choice." my head for some reason lifted from its lowered position and looked straight ahead. although i was blindfolded i could see the man underneath a spotlight, and the illusion looked all too real. "each lever poses as a decision and you'll make your decision by pulling one of them. keep in mind that there is a right and wrong answer in each of these cases and whenever you make the wrong move, there are consequences so choose wisely."

those words- those fucking set of words led me into a frenzy. they made my heart cave deeper into my chest and my mind go insane.

i didn't want to be here. i didn't want to fucking be here.

"let's get started." there was a breeze even though i was certain i wasn't outside. i didn't know what to think of it because i knew it was my mind teasing me.

it knew i wanted to be free of this- away from everything ive gotten myself into.

i licked my lips as he began describing a gut wrenching scene that made my stomach drop.

"you're with two people, one of them is your sister pearl and the other is a man whom you've just met but were assigned to deliver; his name is kai. he's a short, middle aged black man with balding black hair and green eyes. he is wearing a blue, dirt stained suit. in his hold there is a folder and in that folder is proof that he knows the cure to the epidemic."

pearl and kai stood underneath the spotlight the colonel once stood under. darkness circled them but they were clear underneath the blinding light. both were standing with no expression on their faces as they both glanced at the folder in the man's protective hold before looking back at me.

"do you see them?"

"yes." i answered. my anxiety was camouflaged as a nonchalant manner as i took deep breaths, trying my best to focus on the now flickering figured of the two people in front of me.

dr. pierce taught me how to do this- it was like mindfulness but in a hypnotic manner. you breathe and let go of every emotion you feel as you only focus on the voice of whoever was speaking and whatever image you created. if you let your impulsive feelings or thoughts wander, you'd lose it.

"you three are in the woods, trying to find your way to a lab so kai can get started on saving the world. it's daytime and you've been walking since dawn." i wasn't in the room anymore. "pearl keeps complaining about her aching feet and suggests you three should rest for a few minutes. you decline and say you need to keep going to get as far as you can before sunset- it turns into an argument."

it was happening. pearl and i were face to face and snarling at each other like animals.

"im fucking tired, luli. it won't take long just five minutes."

"we need to keep going. kai needs to get to the lab- this is more important."

"i just want to fucking sit down!"

"i do too but we cant, pearl! this is a cure- a fucking cure!"

my nose twitched and i wanted to scratch it but i knew i couldnt causing my feet to overlap each other in an antsy manner.

stay still or else you'll lose it. stay still or else you'll lose it.

"a couple of branches crack close by and you begin to hear growls. when you turn around there are biters- only two of them."

i see them. matter of fact they're here with me- with us.

"then there are more and more. you three begin running but soon kai and pearl start falling behind. you call for them to speed up."

"come on! keep going!"

"but... they can't and soon enough they are surrounded. you stop in your tracks, turn around and you're out of breath at how such a small amount of biters multiplied into a dozen. pearl calls out for you while kai begs to get saved."

their voices- they penetrated my eardrums making me let out a gasp.

"luli!"

"help me! you need to save me!"

"you're in shock but you know if you don't do something they'll both be dead in a matter of seconds but you can only save one." my blood ran cold. "the right lever is pearl and the left is kai. who do you save from being eaten alive?"

i didn't want to choose. i couldn't choose. I wanted to save them both.

but there were so many. they were both going to die right in front of me if i didn't do anything. they were both going to be eaten alive if i didn't move fast.

who do i save? who do i save?

"they're both dead! you weren't fast enough!"

before i could witness their deaths i was ripped out of the woods and into the darkness as a numbing voltage sent me flying back into my chair. my toes curled and my body flexed at the pain as i let out a cry of pain.

my eyes clenched and opened underneath the blindfold as the sudden, torturing feeling was over. my eyes brimmed with tears as i was out of breath.

they fucking electrocuted me.

"what the fuck!?" i shrieked, leaning forward before i leaned back once again feeling as though my brain had been fried.

not a second later he was there again. "solano, they are being cornered and are about to get eaten alive. one of them is your sister and the other has what is necessary to potentially save us from this hellhole. who do you save? answer now!"

my hand instantly flew towards the right but as soon as i pulled the lever, i instantly found out it was the wrong choice. an intense shock sent my body into a flexed and shaking state that wouldn't allow me to let go of the thing that was hurting me.

uncontrollable tears began streaming down my cheeks as it took all the muscle power i had left to let go of the lever. i fell back with a sob as all of the energy i had left my body and wouldn't allow me to sit straight.

my chest was heaving up and down as i simply began crying.

the colonel began speaking again, his voice suddenly agitated, "you have a mission, solano! you need to save the world from destruction and the man in the blue suit is the key. if he dies it's over for everyone. saving your sister is not for the greater good."

i was still breathing heavily and even though i couldn't see anything my vision began to spin. there wasn't any controlling it as i leaned my head to the side and vomited.

they knew this would happen because when i puked, i heard the contents of my stomach hit the bottom of a bucket instead of the floor.

"again, you and pearl had just argued- she really got on your nerves, solano. im talking about the type of argument that almost gets physical."

without wanting to go there i was back in the woods.

"no, no." i whispered, knowing what was going to happen next.

her face was close to mine and our brown eyes were staring each other down. she looked like she wanted to punch me in the face but the damage i could do to her was much worse in my mind.

"you're not the fucking boss, luli. im tired so im going to sit down."

"you're fucking stupid! we need to keep going."

"you're a fucking bitch!"

"the argument doesn't need to affect your choice but it can." my head was pounding as it leaned against the chair. "there are biters again and there are more than before. you need to save one of them but only one! solano if you do not make the right choice, i will make it for you!"

"no, no, please, no." i cried. i reached down to take away the shackle from my ankles but a voice suddenly stopped me.

"i wouldn't do that if i were you!" the colonel shouted. furious that i wasn't making the decision he wanted me to. "again!"

"no!" i gasped pleadingly.

there was a buzzing sound and the same agonizing shock surged through me for a couple of seconds making the illusion from the woods flash before me.

i let out another cry, this time it was loud and i tried to vomit again but all that came out was saliva. i didn't know where the machine the electrocuted me was connected on my body but i felt it everywhere.

a burnt smell lingered in the air and it smelt awful like over cooked meat but worse. a frightened feeling came over me as i realized it had to be coming from my own body.

"we are not going to stop until you get this right!" He shouted, his voice buzzing in my ears as i was automatically but in the woods with pearl and kai once again. "do you not understand that your sister will have to die for the greater good!? you will have to watch her get eaten by the undead and you'll have to listen to her cries of help and screams of agony! it is for the greater good!"

just like that it was happening.

they bit into pearl as i got kai into safety. we were holding onto each other as we watched the horror unfold from a distance.

she called my name over and over again. her face was being bitten into as she shrieked in agony.

"LULI!"

"it is not only her that can die and this is not the only reason you will have to watch someone lose their life!" he growled into the mic. "parke can get shot for some of your supplies."

there were a lot of men, too many of them and they were holding me at gunpoint. i told him to give them our previsions but he wouldn't listen. he said we needed them.

they shoot him- they shoot him right in front of me.

"NO!" i bellowed.

i breathed shallowly feeling my body shake, "no." my voice shook.

"major stone can die from a mission gone wrong!"

it happened so fast- there wasn't anything i could do about it. all that i could do was cry and cry over the man that saved me and the fact that i couldn't do the same for him.

my back straightened as i breathed heavily, stubbornness fueling a nonexistent bit of energy in my body. i shook my head still feeling sick to my stomach, "no!" my voice came out stronger than it had before as my hands clenched into fists.

"you cannot save everyone, solano! that's what you need to learn from this and we will stay here until you do!"

this wasn't right, this wasn't right. doing this to someone- this wasn't right.

"listen to me when i say this and listen to me well so it'll get through your thick skull!" my nose scrunched. "no matter what scenario you imagine your sister will leave your side one day. whether it's from walkers-."

chunks of skin practically flew off of her bone as they fed on my sister. there wasn't anything i could do about it but i needed to.

"from other survivors-."

a gun was aimed to her head and the bullet instantly went through sending a wave of brain matter and blood towards me.

i could've done something about it. i have to do something about it.

"everything could be normal and she could've died from natural causes!"

they folded the top of the sheet to reveal the face of my dead sister. she was paler than her normal skin color and her hair was slicked back. the color from her lips was gone- she was gone.

i moved my head side to side as all the scenarios began interlining with each other in flashes, only showing the deaths of those who were mentioned.

the colonel kept talking putting more and more scenarios and threats into the already thick air which made me let out a scream as i felt blood trickle down one of my nostrils.

it was overwhelming. all of it was too much because it wasn't like me. none of this was right. i couldnt let any of this happen.

i couldn't let any of this to happen.

i couldn't let this happen.

something ignited in me as i threw myself towards the right lever, pulling it and feeling the high voltage go threw me. it made a shriek erupt from the back of my throat before i slumped back and passed out.

but when i still heard the colonels voice threatening to do exactly what i had felt just happen, i knew that i was still in fact awake and that me pulling the right lever again wasn't real.

"pick one now!"

there was guilt in my bones, in my veins, in my heart as i knew what lever i was going to choose. tears trickled down my cheeks as my hand leaned towards the left and as i yanked it down, my toes curled and my body stiffed but when i felt nothing all of my walls came crumbling down.

i threw my head back, crying to myself as i realized what it all meant.

"great. we'll give you some liquids, check your vitals, and then continue."

i was on my way to becoming the end result of project sicario and in order for it to really work, it was going to have to break me then rearrange the pieces back together.

im not just luli solano anymore.