"I had been so afraid to open my heart to her because I had been abandoned, neglected, and very hurt, but she showed me that even though love can hurt, it can also heal."

- Jacqueline Simon Gunn, The Cat Who Ate His Tail

***

Fourth month

***

Things were getting better...

Shravan couldn't tell what the reason was. Was it because now his sleep quality had improved, his headaches were less frequent and his body no longer hurt? Was it because he got used to their routine? Was it because of her presence in his life? Was it because things settled down? Was it because he got used to her being civil? Or was he just too busy to even care about anything else?

He didn't know, but no doubt, those reasons were why he felt much more coherent, his mind more clear and present. Breathing got easier, the ice around his heart melted just a little, and he wasn't as numb as he was before. But whatever may be the reason, the effects were beneficial for him and the people around him.

There was one more reason why: he couldn't deny that working on the pro bono cases coming his way thanks to Salma auntie's NGO made him more aware of others and their lives, miseries, and problems. The more time went by, the more he understood how true it was that everyone was struggling in their own ways, had their own side of the story, and had their own reasons.

And it had been even more clear when one day he had walked into local police after a late night call from Salma auntie to settle matters between a man who tried to rob another man, both poor and both in the fight for the money that was needed to fill the empty stomachs of their children, and they were arrested by the policemen who were demanding bribes to free them. The irony had made him laugh out loud till tears were running through his eyes. By the end of the night, both men had money in their pockets to buy food for their children, and the policemen were put in their place thanks to his father's connection with the DIG. That night he had walked out of that police station with the realization of what the poet had meant when he said: there are other pains in life than the pain of love...

While the truth remains the truth and right, there are many people affiliated with pains worse than his. And while the moral compass of humans should be unshakable, it was important to acknowledge that nothing was only white. There were shades of gray and black and silver linings existed. And he had found out that strangely enough, helping others helped him too.

"Thank you for last night, Shravan. I am sorry I called in so late, if I had been in town I wouldn't disturbed you," Salma auntie said with a grateful smile.

"It's okay, I am glad I was of some help. I know giving money isn't a solution, but at least for one day..." he said, ending with an awkward shrug.

"Unfortunately we don't have any other long-term solution, we can offer only temporary relief, they have to help themselves," she sighed before offering him a small smile.

Seeing that, Shravan had to admit to himself that still couldn't get used to her. He had seen her talking softly to others in such a gentle manner, sometimes scolding someone, and he had seen her angry, spitting facts and attacking in soft spots, and the seasoned lawyer within her shined in those moments. But whatever it may be, he had seen the effect of it on people. It was something that left him awestruck. He was accused of being a misogynist by many, but the more he worked along with Salma Sarab and her team mainly consisting of women, the more he saw women in every avatar and version, donning colors of lies, love compassion, and betrayal and with that, his prejudice kept breaking each day in a new way.

Each day he learned something new, and saw a new reality, a new world: if there was a woman who left behind her children to seek love, there was also a woman who was selling her body and more, risking her life for the sake of her children. It was as if someone had taken all of his inner deep dark thoughts and insecurities and had decided that he needed to know the world beyond the bubble he was protected in. And he had slowly realized just how much he had been ignorant of due to his position of privilege. The majority of cases that came to Malhotra's firm were connected to the rich and their problems. Fights over wealth, inheritance, and business, cases of divorce, cheating, or sexual assault. There wasn't much diversity or challenge beyond a point...

But the cases that the NGO wanted him to fight were opening up new horizons and helping him understand the nature of human beings much better than the elite class could. When he saw men spouting nonsense about how they were justified in their abuse of power and how their victims deserved it, it made the picture much clearer to him on how victim blaming worked and how deep-rooted it was in the functioning of society. That made him correct his stance, and finally realize that his bitterness towards the opposite gender was limited to words spoken in anger or whenever reminded of his mother or teenage crush. And with that realization, knots and twists surrounding his heart loosened. Their rejection of him shouldn't make him think he had any right to hold anything against their gender. Evilness existed in people irrespective of their gender, class, or any other category. He never had been stupid enough to deny it, but after meeting Salma Sarab and her team, his every bias and negative opinion about women was changed...

And that's why he was grateful to Salma Sarab who was affectionate, sweet, and motherly. She talked very softly and could convince anyone with her calm manners. He had accused her of manipulating others after observing her handling the first few cases they worked on together.

"But you can't deny that I am using my power for the good," she had accepted with a soft laugh.

And he couldn't. After seeing how much she fought to make sure justice wasn't denied by powerful entities, and how much she tried to protect the children and families that reached out to the NGO she founded after the death of her daughter, Parisa, and in her name. And that's how she had won him over. And the more he saw her helping others, the more he found himself trusting her, opening up to her.

It happened gradually, without him even realizing it. But he found himself slowly confessing his thoughts and his struggle to her.

"I am not a doormat, or at least I don't want to be and maybe my pride is actually what is coming in between me and peace. The reality is that I can't afford to lose them, to let go of them would be worse than death. I have lived a decade without them but I don't want to do that anymore. I keep thinking that I should be grateful that at least my father and Suman still want me in their lives, at least they do. They stayed," he said, expressing his conflict.

"But somehow that doesn't lessen the pain. In the past pain always had transformed into anger, and in anger, I had said and done things that I ended up regretting. But I don't want more regret and that's why I kept numbing the pain so I won't get angry. I keep avoiding them but that's not helping either, not anymore," he confessed.

"You know what I have learned?" Salam auntie asked him, softly.

She always did that: ask him if she could share, if he wanted her advice or just wanted her to listen to him. And when he nodded at her, she continued.

"Pain can blind us from the truth. It consumes us so much that we become self-centered and self-absorbed. We no longer see reality as it is, we can't see others' pain, their suffering, and their reasons. Pain isolates us, doesn't let anyone come close to us, and makes us run away from everyone, even the ones who are hurting along with us. And the more we are in pain, the longer we are consumed by it, the farther we are from the people we love and the ones who love us."

"Pain makes us feel lonely and alone, destroys every bond cultivated in years, breaks all the bridges that connect us to others, to the world outside of us," she said with a sigh.

"But you know what else I have realized? That pain can't be something that should stop us from loving and caring. The fear of feeling pain and loss shouldn't stop us from experiencing other feelings. Some pains are meant to stay, meant to be lived with, to make friends with, but shouldn't be consuming us to the point of rendering us unable to feel anything else, to want anything else. That's what I have learned after years of being paralyzed by pain," she shared.

"So what should I do? How do you deal with your pain?" He asked her.

"My pain doesn't go away, and the older it gets, the more normal it feels, to the point of becoming normal. My reality is that I still grieve for her, some days the pain of her loss is in the back of my mind, never forgotten, but just resting, and some days it makes me realize how empty my hands are, that no matter how much time has passed by, they will remain empty. She won't come back."

"But I am more than a grieving mother, I should be more than a grieving mother. That doesn't mean I shouldn't or can't find happiness or peace or that anger should infest my wounded heart. Every day I try to find something that would bring me happiness and peace to heal my heart just a little so another day will pass by," she told him with a soft smile.

"No pain is alike, Shravan. Your wound is different from mine. Both your father and your wife are here with you, and no matter how much you feel like you have lost them, you haven't. You aren't alone. There is hope and chance to heal your relationship with them, so take it, and talk with them," she advised him.

"Don't test them, listen to them and talk to them. I know it must be very difficult, but it's the lack of communication that has brought you to have so many misunderstandings between you, and it's communication that will bring you to solve them and heal," she assured him.

"I have a feeling that they are waiting for you and will do anything you ask so that you can heal and be at peace," she smiled softly at him.

And that's how he found himself wanting to believe her. After all, she was right most of the time when it came to human behavior and her intuitions worked in things like that...

But maybe he, as always, took too much time to react, to reach out because as soon as he found the courage to hope, things started to spiral...

****

Until when are you going to punish me?

Suman had asked him a few months ago and confessed to being tired of the mocking gazes that followed her constantly ever since the events of their wedding had started. She had told him to pretend, and in the same way, one day she told him to stop.

"I take my words back, don't pretend, please don't."

This time around she wasn't crying or saying anything to convince him. The blank face and empty eyes gave away nothing, leaving him confused.

"Then what do you want me to do?"

"Just give me my Shravan back. I want my Shravan back. You aren't him," she told him with a glare.

"You never knew me enough to make such claims, Suman," he snapped at her.

His frustration only increased when she kept insisting on knowing him better than anyone else.

"You know a part of me, but you don't know what I had kept hidden all these years, no one has," he confessed, his feelings at war.

"You have changed, Shravan, you aren't the same anymore," she yelled, throwing her hands.

"You think being betrayed and lied to by the only person I have been able to fully trust shouldn't have changed me? Do you think knowing the truth shouldn't have changed me? Do you think realizing just how unloved and unwanted I am by my mother while she has been showing her motherly love for others shouldn't have changed me?" He demanded, rage burning him more than her words.

"Do you really think that losing the only girl I ever loved shouldn't have changed me?" He yelled out, unable to hold back.

"But I am here," she cried out. "I am married to you. When you will stop bringing up the past."

"It's not in the past if it's still affecting us," he refuted her.

"You are letting it affect us," she accused.

And maybe yes, it was his fault. He was letting his past, their past affect their present.

But there was so much broken within him, and he didn't know how to glue him back together.

"What do you want from me?" He asked again, tired, unable to deny her claim.

"I want you to move on from the past," she demanded.

"You think I am not trying?" He looked at her with disbelief.

"No, you aren't," she cried out in frustration.

"You are still stuck in the past and I don't know what else to do. I have confessed many times. I do everything so that you will believe me. Why can't you see that every gesture expresses my love for you? What else can I do? What else could make you believe me?" She asked, her voice creaking and suddenly it wasn't anger that was her driving force, but her misery.

"I know you love me, Shravan, but you don't trust me. I don't think you ever had," she whispered.

"I had. There have been three moments when I had thought I could trust you with myself. Once when we were young, I was proven wrong and even a decade couldn't heal that wound, but when I came back again, with time it had, almost. And even though it lasted only for a night, I once again had dared to trust you, just for you to bring Mrs Ahuja back in front of me and ruin everything. Do you know what I was there for, Suman?" He growled.

"I know, and I regret it, every day, every second. You don't how much I regret it, Shravan," she confessed with a tired sigh, tears slipping from her eyes.

"No, you don't understand how difficult it was for me to do that. How difficult it was for me to trust you again, how difficult it was to admit that I had fallen for you once again, how difficult it was to hope. If you truly would have regretted it, you wouldn't have made the same mistake again. Because the third time I trusted you, you pushed me away again, harder. I had clung to you desperately, so stupidly sure of my trust in you. Yet it was in vain, like every other time," he reminded her.

"Then what do you want from me?" She yelled in frustration.

"I will do anything you want me to, Shravan, just tell me how to gain your trust again. We can't go on like this, we can't. We have to move on from all this hurt and heal, I don't want us to continue living like this," she whispered, her voice trembling.

And how was he supposed to answer that?

What did he want her to do?

Why did she expect him to tell her what to do?

Why should he be the one to answer that?

Why was he supposed to know how to fix what was broken?

"The only thing I get from you is silence," she muttered bitterly after waiting for his response.

"Fine, whatever," she said, surrendering.

"Let's just stop. You don't need to act anymore, do whatever you want," she repeated.

And he could only sigh as he saw her walking away without looking back.

She never waited long enough to let him find the answer...

* * *

Fifth month

* * *

And he had been right about her not waiting for him...

She never had been patient with him, not really, always prone to outbursts of frustration, anger, and helplessness. Giving up soon enough: a habit that never really went away. So even this time around, in her predictable ways, she started to show signs of her impatience. First, by demanding they pretend to be a happy couple for others, even if they never quite worked to make them a happy couple. And then after a few months, she demanded they stop, and that meant she no longer acted like a dutiful wife on the breakfast table, nor did she care to check on him if he ate his lunch nor did wait for him for dinner. She didn't select clothes for him in the morning, she left his ties crooked and didn't reach out to set his hair on his forehead, she didn't pick up stupid fights over things in the room, she didn't wait for him to finish his work and went to bed without insisting him to stop working so late in the night and come to bed...

Ironically enough, he found himself once again alone and abandoned in a routine she had started in the first place. As soon as he started getting used to having her, she was pulling away...

Was she testing him?

Was she doing all of that because she wanted to know if he cared?

Or was there another reason?

He didn't have to wonder for long. The reason was found soon enough...

Neil Shetty, PCT's new investor. A charming chef, educated, self-made, and a firm supporter of women's empowerment.

"I didn't know you were married, Miss Tiwari," he had said the first Shravan had met him.

It was a party of one of the business associates of Malhotra Firm and they were there because his father forced him and Suman to go. A party in which she didn't wrap her hand around his arm nor did she lean in, or smile at him when people told them they made a beautiful couple...

"Marital status is private information. I don't want to be known as Malhotra's daughter-in-law by others," Suman told the man.

"Is that so?" Neil muttered, disappointed?

Was the man heartbroken? Shravan couldn't help but wonder.

"You are a very lucky man," the man had told him after Suman introduced him as her husband.

"I know," he had responded with a nod, unable to not narrow his eyes at the other man.

And after meeting him once, suddenly Shravan could spot him at every party or gathering they went to. It was as if he was everywhere. And with each meeting, he noticed how the interactions between the man and Suman started to become less formal and more friendly. It was a disturbing sight: them laughing together.

And Shravan kept reminding himself that he had known it, and it wasn't as if he wasn't waiting for it. But now that it was happening in front of him, his heart pained and shivered at the possibility of some other man wooing her and taking her away.

And just because he saw it coming didn't mean he wasn't struck by it. Of course, he had been stupid to think that it wouldn't hurt just because it had already happened once. But it was different this time, wasn't it? It should be different. They weren't married back then and Aditya had come in between them when the distance between them was building thanks to his father and Suman's ego war. But this time he was her husband, and the relationship between them was acknowledged by her and everyone else. In the eyes of society, it was an unbreakable and unquestionable bond...

But he could see why it mattered not. The other man was probably everything she wanted as her husband. Neil Shetty was an older and better version of Rohit from high school: charming, social, friendly, and romantic as they came. A trained chef who was investing not only money but also his talent in PCT.

But more than anything else, he made her laugh and smile, he made her happy...

And happiness has always looked beautiful on Suman Tiwari...

So he, Shravan Malhotra, maintained his distance, his gaze fixed on her as his pain mixed with jealousy burned him to his bones...

A tale repeated many times was repeating itself once again...

* * *

Sixth month

* * *

"They match so well..."

Shravan heard someone say, and he couldn't help but agree as he looked at them standing side by side. Them being Suman Tiwari and Neil Shetty who were throwing a success party after bagging a huge deal for PTC. Even though she had told him to no longer act like her husband and to not feel obligated to come, Shravan felt like couldn't and shouldn't miss celebrations of her achievements. But now the sight in front of him was making him regret his decision.

"It's always best to invest in a running business than start one from scratch, and that's why I approached Suman after finding out about PCT. Luckily she needed investment to grow PCT and I was able to find such an amazing partner. Thank you for accepting my offer," Neil said while giving the speech as Suman smiled at him.

"And thank you for accepting me," he said looking at the PCT staff who cheered him on.

Seeing them interact with each other and together with others, Shravan felt sick to his stomach the whole night. And alone. When she wanted to appear as a 'loving wife', and them as a 'happy couple', she used to come to check on him from time to time and introduce him to people as her husband, but now it was as if she didn't care anymore, and he was left on his own.

As he observed her flying from one guest to the other with a smile, he wondered if he had ever made her feel what she was making him feel? Did he ever leave her alone at the parties? Did he make her feel invisible? Did he make her feel ignored? Unwanted?

Or was he just overreacting? She was a host, after all, she was meant to be as busy as she was...

"Shravan Ji, Suman said you should go home, she has to do some last-minute paperwork," Preeto told him.

"I will just wait for her," he said, forcing himself to smile at her.

"Then why don't you go up to her office? Give her some company," she sweetly suggested.

Bidding her goodbye, he made his way to her office. Just to stop midstep at the sight in front of him: Neil Shetty was on his knee and in his hand was a ring that he was holding up for an already-married woman.

Suman Tiwari who didn't like the idea of adding his surname to hers was seemingly being proposed to by a man who already knew she was married to him, Shravan Malhotra...

Standing there he couldn't process what was happening and why?

"I will love you and do my best to make you happy. Always" Neil Shetty promised.

Shravan had wondered about it countless times: why didn't his father confront his mother when he found her with Mr Ahuja as he had claimed to have? Or why people didn't confront their partners in such situations?

But now that it was happening to him, he felt as if he was struck by lightning, his brain too slow and dizzy to understand what was happening in front of him and what should be his response. He knew he had to make a choice: he could storm in and make a scene, demand what was happening, and fight or he could retreat and run away...

And then suddenly the choice was made for him when she looked away from the other man and saw him standing frozen at the door. But her lips remained curved into a smile and the light in her eyes didn't dim nor did her rosy cheeks lose their blush. She looked at him for a second and then once again looked down at the other man.

And Shravan lost his breath...

He couldn't breathe anymore. It was as if he was underwater, his mouth opened but he wasn't inhaling oxygen, and his lungs weren't functioning as they should be...

Even though he spent more than a decade thinking otherwise, never would have guessed before that moment that his choice would be to run away from a situation like what was happening right in front of his eyes. Suddenly his legs started to move on their own and he turned back, and then walked and then ran yet not fast enough.

He has been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has...

And now that it has, he didn't know what to do...

He had seen it coming but he wasn't prepared for it...

***

A/N:- A cliffhanger, again? But I promise it wasn't intentional, it was just the perfect point to end the chapter as the next chapter would be from Suman's POV...

So what just happened? A self-fulfilling prophecy? Shravan in his own mind was so sure she would leave, someone would come between them, and she would choose some other man over him. And he even told her when he agreed to get married that it was just a matter of time. But despite all that, he wasn't ready, was he?

So new characters: Do you like the bond between Salma Sarab and Shravan? The mysterious Neil Shetty was introduced from Shravan's POV here, more of him in the next chapter...Can't give away spoilers... ;)

What is your guess on what Shravan saw? Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts on the chapter and everything else...

Thank you for waiting and I really am sorry that I keep you all waiting for updates. I am trying to update more frequently from now on, but I am never satisfied with the first draft, write and rewrite it and that's why I keep postponing it, forgive me. But hopefully, I will be able to update soon this time around...*fingers crossed*

Thank you for reading, liking, and commenting. It's always so amazing to hear from you and know your thoughts on if you like the story so far... :)

Thank you! <3

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