"Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams, healing can begin."

― Danielle Bernock,

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Dedicated to my Super 'S's; Sal @KitkitMkb, Sara @FireflyStar & Srishti @OldSchoolStories_ , the ones who have inspired the character of 'Salma Sarab' in different ways, giving her soul, heart, and a strong spirit. Thank you for the beautiful conversations, the motivation, and for loving and understanding Shravan as much as you do! <3

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Salma Sarab had noticed the odd behavior of the groom ever since he had first stepped in the wedding hall yesterday and it had disturbed her despite knowing that Ramnaath Malhotra - her former colleague - loved his only child too much for it to be a forced marriage...

Yesterday she had told herself it was due to her cynical mind playing games with her as now and then - it didn't matter whose marriage she went to, invited or uninvited - from the past decade and a half, she actively had to look out for the signs of forced marriage, underage or child marriage. She had thought that she was overanalyzing everything due to her carefully cultivated habit she had to for her job as an advocate and a founder of the organization that worked for securing the safety and the rights of the children all around India...

Yesterday even her husband had reassured her that it couldn't be the case when she had told him;

"Shafeeq Sahab, I think something is wrong going on here, just look at Shravan."

Her husband had reminded her that Shravan Malhotra wasn't the child she remembered as, that now he could look out for himself. And then jokingly had told her to tone down her accusations if not, they would be thrown out of the wedding by Ramnaath himself. She had nodded and followed his advice because she knew sometimes she overstepped the lines society has stretched between her and the children of the world. And even though her heart was filled with warmth and concerns for every child, she wasn't their mother. She, as a lawyer, knew more than anyone else how the law couldn't recognize love in all its forms, and would always rule the decisions in the favor of the blood-related relationship over the ones of heart and love...

But now as she, along with her husband, stood behind Ramnaath and Nirmala, directly witnessing the signs of unhappiness from the very troubled looking groom who hurriedly excused himself before walking away, she knew she had been right.

"Remind me to never doubt your motherly instincts," her husband whispered in her ear, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"I have to do something," she muttered to herself.

"Salma," her husband once again reminded her of the limitations.

"I know," she told him with a half-smile and started to walk towards the direction she had seen Shravan going.

And she spotted him soon enough, standing in the enormous garden, lost in his thoughts as blood kept dripping down from his wounded hand freely. And the view broke her heart, she couldn't believe he wasn't the same sweet child she had known and cared for...

After being handed the first-aid box she had requested the employee who had been roaming nearby the garden to bring, Salma walked closer to where he was standing, alone and shivering, struggling...

"Is putting on a mask getting difficult?" She asked, seeing him turning around sharply.

"Excuse me?" Shravan asked, disbelief coloring his thoughts, was his struggle so visible that a stranger could guess what was going in his mind?

"Come on, let's get your hand treated first," Salma said with a warm smile.

Shravan didn't know what it was that made him follow her without hesitation, his feet started to walk where she took them, sitting on a bench just on the edge of the garden, she opened the first-aid box as he came to sit next to her. He didn't know what it was about her that he couldn't deny her when she carefully pulled his wounded hand towards her, he couldn't do anything other than look at her in confusion as she inspected the wound and then started to treat it before wrapping it in a new white rag, once done, she sighed in relief and looked up at him with a soft smile.

The warmth of her smile and the fondness shining in her eyes was familiar yet Shravan didn't know her. She was almost the same age as his mother, he guessed, they had the same wrinkles pattern around the eyes and mouth's corners, yet ever since he had met her again, his own mother hadn't smiled at him like that, the way the woman in front of him was.

They were different in many ways, he observed. His mother wore sarees in yellows, browns, earth tone colors, while the woman in front of him was wearing a black and red saree. Her hair was open, wavy, free while his mother's hair was always confined in a tight bun, straight, never out of place. While both seemed grateful, his mother looked strict, stiff, rigid, while the woman in front of him had been smiling warmly at him ever since he first saw her, unguarded and warm...

She seemed everything his mother wasn't...

No, everything she wasn't for him...

"Have I changed so much that you no longer recognize me, Shravan?" She asked with a light laugh.

"I am sorry, but I don't think we have met before," he told her, confused.

"I am Salma Sarab, Parisa's mother... It has been two decades since we have last seen each other, so it's understandable if you don't remember me," she said with a muted pain in her eyes.

Parisa?

Parisa...

He would have forgotten the name, and the little girl, if he hadn't associated her with the evenings of his childhood spent reading books, with his love for logos and puzzles. But especially with the snacks and dinners, her mother - the woman now sitting in front of him - used to cook for them when he had to stay over late in nights when both his parents used to work late. Those nights when his parents used to come to pick him up from there...

He remembered that time, the time just before everything started, the fights and yelling. Yet he also remembered that time because he vividly remembered the pain, the screams, and the loss, his introduction to death...

Parisa...

"Come on, we need to go back," she told him, her eyes wrinkling in a painful smile, and when he hesitated, unable to find words, she smiled at him, understanding his struggle she patted him on his shoulder.

"We can always talk tomorrow," she said.

"Tomorrow?" Shravan asked with a confused frown.

"Yes, we would have the honor to host the first dinner for the newly married couple, so you are coming over to our sweet home tomorrow with your lovely wife," she informed him with a light laugh before leading him back to where he was supposed to be...

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As he roused from a heavy slumber, the first things Shravan became aware of was a warmth caressing his hair and his forehead, melting his frown with soft persistence, and then tracing eyebrows and the bridge of his nose, moving to under eyes before disappearing altogether. He wanted to chase that warmth, burrow himself into it and never wake up, and when the warmth didn't come back, he opened his eyes, blinked, closed his eyes, and blinked again. Streaks of sunlight blinded him, hurting his eyes, but the sight in front of his eyes was worth all the pain and hurt...

There she was, looking at him with the softest expression he had ever seen on her...

"Sumo..." he whispered, his voice raspy from sleep yet it made her smile softly at him, leaving him breathless, dizzy, and awestruck...

Her hand moved towards him, her fingers gently moving his hair away from his forehead, and his eyes closed on their own accord. And there was it, that warmth once again, gently stroking his temple, making him sigh softly and pressing into her touch.

Was he dreaming?

Of course, he was...

There was no way his reality could be as beautiful, as peaceful as this dream...

He had been having nightmares for so long, maybe his brain finally was giving him a break, or a reward. Or maybe this dream, so sweet and soft, would transform into a nightmare soon enough. Any second now and her warmth would be snatched away from him, only to be replaced by some nightmare, or worse, the reality...

"Shravan..." she called him out so gently.

"Hmm..." he sighed, opening his eyes only when the warmth once again was taken away from him.

"What was your nightmare about?" She asked in a whisper, the warmth of her fingers once again coming back to persuade him to answer her as she kept running them in his hair softly.

"What?" He asked with a frown.

"Last night..." she whispered and left the sentence incompleted when he suddenly realized everything felt too real for it to be a dream, and retreated from her touch.

"What?" He gasped, now aware that it was no dream, she actually was there...

With him...

He had slept on the bed beside her...

How?

Suman saw his eyes widening, and suddenly as if he was electrocuted by her, he jumped away from her, almost falling in his hurry to move away from her and getting out of the bed. With a frown, she looked at him panicking. Should she be offended or angry? She wondered, but, no, what she felt more intensely was pain, only pain. The way he insisted on running away from her, again and again, was causing her pain, a consuming pain that made her want to fall on her knees and cry for hours, days even...

Not now, she reminded herself, he was her utmost priority now. She needed answers, after witnessing what she had last night, she needed to find the reason why Shravan was tortured by nightmares that somehow were related to her.

So before he could retreat in his shell and walk away from her, she took hold of one of his arms, tightening her grip and hardening her resolve.

"Answer me," she demanded.

"I am not answerable to you in any way," he muttered, not meeting her eyes as he gently tried to loosen her grip from his arm.

"Yes, you are if they are related to me, if it's my name you are screaming in horror," she responded with a glare.

And her words were enough to spark a memory of what last night had happened, and that made him only feel more ashamed, weak, and defeated. And as soon as the fight left his body, Suman pulled him towards her, making him sit on the bed beside her. But he kept his gaze fixed down on the floor as if he had sinned in some way or maybe it was her who he didn't want to see, that's why he was so disgusted by her touch and her, wasn't he?

"I don't know what I could have possibly done or said for you to have nightmares about me, Shravan," she muttered, wounded - no longer conflicted, not offended nor angry - only devastated as she thought about what had happened last night;

It had been very visible that he had been sleeping on his feet during the event, and especially after reaching home, and he must hadn't been fully aware of what he had been doing because after entering the bedroom, he had thrown his coat aside and fallen on the bed - on his side of the bed which he had left unused on the first night - and within a second, he had fallen asleep. Without changing his clothes or removing his shoes, and that's why at first, she had tried to coax him into waking up enough to get into comfortable clothes but when he had remained unresponsive, she had removed his shoes herself and had left him sleeping there, warped in blankets, unaware, while she herself had stood there by the bedside for several minutes before getting in yet still wondering if she could cross the line he had placed between them at the first night itself. Wide awake while lying beside him, she had wondered the same for hours, lost in the darkness until she had heard him gasping for air and moving around too much in his sleep. She had been shell shocked at first, and when he had started muttering her name with a repeated 'no', whimpering as if in pain, she had tried to wake him up, gently at first and then almost violently when he had kept getting louder.

Disoriented at first, Shaven had blinked a few times, but with his nightmare still lingering and overpowering his senses, he had retreated violently, pushing her away from him as he kept asking for forgiveness, telling her he hadn't meant to hurt her. He had kept on crying, inconsolably, begging for forgiveness, his face hidden away in his hands. And when she had hugged his shaking form in her embrace, he had resisted at first, only giving in when she had tightened her arms around him, caging him enough to leave him no escape. Yet he hadn't stopped crying, his silent tears had kept falling on her shoulder as she had consoled him with her touch, on his hair and his back, whispering his name gently, telling him it had been only a nightmare, and only when he had fallen asleep she had let herself cry over her helplessness and confusion.

And now, in the morning, sitting right in front of her was him, so different than last night, so close yet so far away, refusing to talk to her, denying her of himself and his words. And her chest throbbed with a pulsing pain that was draining her of life.

"Would you tell me what your nightmare was about so I can fix whatever I have done wrong, Shravan?" She asked, pleadingly.

He didn't know what it was, her pleading, her care, her blaming herself or his own helplessness that made him lose his control over himself and his words.

"I have been having nightmares since that night," Shravan confessed and when she remained silent, he continued.

"About Aditya. At first, they were about Aditya. No matter how hard I tried, the door wouldn't open and you kept screaming for help, yelling out loud my name," he muttered, clearing his throat to keep his voice even.

"And I knew it was irrational, Aditya was gone. But then Nana Ji told me that there was a possibility of that happening again if you get married to any other man, and everything got worse," he sighed, his mouth trembling and voice breaking as he kept blinking to keep his tears from slipping from his eyes.

"I almost lost my mind, I couldn't take it, and I gave in. I married you. And I thought the nightmares would stop. And they did, but only for one night. And last night..." he left the sentence incomplete.

"What about last night, Shravan?" She asked gently, ignoring how much it hurt to know how his nightmare had been the reason why he had agreed to marry her. Was that the only reason? She wanted to ask but knew now wasn't the time.

What had happened that night, and everything that happened after that kept haunting him, in different ways, she knew that now. Her heart broke as she thought about how much he had and still was enduring. And as if he already hadn't enough burden of regret and guilt to carry - as if he wasn't already tortured by the past - as if he already hadn't had other nightmares, he was constantly haunted by nightmares about her getting hurt...

And she now realized that everyone who during the wedding had thought he was being forced had been right. He had married her to end it all, he hadn't put many fights and had accepted and given what had been asked of him because he couldn't endure it anymore. She knew she couldn't blame him if he got married to her only for that reason, she tried not to...

So why was he still tortured by past and nightmares?

He had married her then why was he still tormented by nightmares about her being married to other men?

"It was me. Last night..." Shravan confessed, broken and ashamed.

"It was me in their place. There was no door, yet I couldn't save you because it was me..."

Last night, it had been him. The ultimate shape his nightmare had taken, a shape to haunt him, to make him lose whatever of sane was left in him. Him at Aditya's place - seething in anger with wounded ego, blinded and uncaring. Him, playing the role of the faceless man Nana Ji could have married her married off to - the one who had created worse nightmares that had haunted him for months until the night of their wedding. Him, at the place of the man who had her screaming in pain and fear. Him, strong and violent, leaving marks on her body, bloody and broken, and her calls for his name for help suddenly changing into one of disbelief, horror, then she had begged him for mercy, she had been tormented by him...

Last night, his nightmare had been too close to reality...

He had done it all, everything, to avoid her falling prey to anyone else, but not from himself...

He had already given up on his past haunting him a long time ago, but would he ever be able to sleep without nightmares haunting him...

Nightmares like last night's...

He shivered, his body trembling as the nightmare flashed in front of his eyes once again. Her face distorted in pain and disbelief, her screams ringing in his ears...

"Oh, Shravan," Suman whispered when she saw him shivering once again, taking his shaking form once again in her arms, she gently ran her fingers in his hair.

Why was he tortured with nightmares like that when she herself wasn't?

Why was he was consumed by worries about her safety when she wasn't?

Why had he taken such a drastic step and married her yet still couldn't get rid of the nightmares?

"I don't know what to do other than assure you that nothing would happen to me, you don't have to be afraid or worry about me," she promised him.

And even if it pained her so much, she still, to assure him, continued to ignore how every cell rebelled against the idea of his only reason for marrying her being his nightmares.

"You don't have to be afraid of Aditya or any other man now, I am not. And don't be afraid of yourself either, Shravan, you can't hurt me," she told him confidently.

"How can you be sure about it? How can you? After everything...Have you already forgotten what I have already done?" He asked her with a glare, pulling himself away from.

"How can you trust me, Sumo? I can't trust myself anymore, not with you, not after I know what I am capable of," he whispered brokenly.

'That's it,' Suman thought as she looked at him, so vulnerable and defeated. She had to take charge of the situation...

"I think whatever happened in the past few months has clouded your memory into forgetting who I am, Shravan Malhotra," she firmly told him as she reached out and grasped his chin, forcing him to look up at her.

"I am not some weak damsel. Maybe you hadn't noticed before beating Aditya black and blue, but he had already wounds, one on his head, I had put on a fight. I am grateful to you for reaching in time but please don't think I would ever let that happen again."

"You too made sure of it by marrying me, remember?" She said as with her fingers she brushed away tears that kept slipping from his eyes.

"And I have never felt unsafe with you. I know no matter how blinded by rage or hurt you are, you would stop when I tell you to stop. You always have. And I know you wouldn't hurt me in the way you are fearing. You can never see me hurting, you always give in, isn't us being married the ultimate proof that you can't deny me?"

"Shravan Malhotra, why do you keep forgetting that I have power over you that no other human being has, or would ever have," she said, confidently, eyes bored into his with a glint of arrogance.

"So now that I am telling you that you should stop thinking these kinds of negative things, to stop thinking so low of you, then you should," she firmly told him.

"No more nightmares, okay? There is no need to have one, about anyone, especially not about you," she told him.

It wasn't like he had any control over them, Shravan wanted to tell her, yet suddenly he was overwhelmed by her and everything she has told him. And everything was too much. Her demanding him to stop having nightmares was too much, the way she was looking at him was too much, the way she kept insisting and the way she kept touching him was too much...

Her confidence, her arrogance, and her firmness, her touch, everything, too much...

'RETREAT,' his brain yelled at him, alarmed.

The regret was immediate, the realization sudden. He had told her too much, gave away too much. He had told her things he should never have. Things he had to endure and lived with, things he should have kept hidden because nothing good had happened whenever he had blurted out his thoughts, his feelings, his truths...

'No, I shouldn't have...' the same words kept repeatedly running in his mind, intensifying the regret, the tension that he felt in his chest, the one that felt like it was crushing his ribs, the one that made breathing difficult...

Was there a limit to it? Would he ever not feel it; regret... Regret, this and that, always regret. And with a flash, it triggered the other ever-present feelings he had never been able to suppress for long; guilt, anger. So much anger, at himself. Would he ever learn? Learn to keep things to himself, if he would have had, things wouldn't have been as messed up as they were now. If he would have had, at least now, at least this time, she wouldn't have been looking down at him the way she was now...

As if he was weak, broken, wrong in feeling whatever he was...

Always wrong...

And maybe he was, he always had been, but he didn't need another person, especially not her, to tell him that or look at him like that, as if she knew what was going on within him...

Because she would never, she would never would understand, and he knew, he knew this confession would haunt him. His giving in and letting her in, he would have to pay for it, now or sometime soon...

A fool, he was, one who kept repeating the same mistake, again and again...

Pulling his chin away from her grip, Shravan moved away, everything in him urging him to run away, just run away from her, from everything he was feeling, the regret and the anger, so he did. Leaving her behind, he moved forward, standing up suddenly, with a fast pace, he moved towards the cupboard, picking the first piece of clothes he could get his hands on, he made his way to get ready to find escape in his only solace; his work.

As Suman saw him moving around the room to get ready, so eager to be away from her, she sighed in frustration.

"Shravan," she called him out and moved to stop him when he was making his way towards the bathroom, but before she could say something, someone knocked on the door. And of course, seeing her distracted enough, he took the given chance to escape.

And before Suman could ignore whomever it was and chase him as she intended to, suddenly Kamini Malhotra walked into their room, without minding how she was invading the privacy of a newly married couple, but maybe she exactly knew what she was doing. Hadn't the elder woman already taunted her enough times, always faking pity and telling her she would never succeed in making Shravan stay with her, telling her how her marriage was doomed and couldn't be saved no matter what...

Yet Suman could just stand there, suppress her anger as Kamini kept putting her down.

"Remember, Salma Ji and Shafeeq Sahab are not only Ramnaath Bhai Sahab's friends but they also very important in our social circle, so it's very important for you to not behave so middle class," Kamini continued her rant without letting her talk.

And when after half an hour, Suman saw Shravan walking out of the bathroom, she hoped Kamini would take the cue and go away, or that he would interfere, yet Shravan did no such thing. He moved without looking at their way, and within two minutes, along with his countless flies that promised her that he would come back late, Shravan once again successfully escaped from her.

Her fists clenched tightly, Suman sighed loudly to control her anger, yet couldn't do much but glare at the elder woman in front of her as Kamini kept yapping about the responsibilities and the must-have mannerisms of 'Malhotra Bahu'.

"Remember to dress well for tonight's dinner, I wouldn't be there to remind you but you should behave like a 'Malhotra Bahu'," Kamini told her with her face distorted in disgust as she kept looking down on her.

And once again before Suman could give the elder woman a piece of her mind, Kamini, with a careless and dismissive wave of her hand, left her alone seething in unreleased anger...

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A/N:- An update after so long, I know... I missed you all and writing C&R, so much, but life has been too busy for me to get into the right mood to write. And I write in bits and pieces, far too less than I would like to, that too because I came across good slow, sad, and soulful songs that help a lot in getting into the mood to write. So if you guys want faster updates, please send good slow, sad & soulful songs my way... ;D

A new character has been introduced in this chapter, one who will play a very important role, any guesses on how? ;)

Shravan's nightmares - now Suman knows about them and knows the reason; his ultimate fear of hurting her and the guilt and regret he feels for hurting her in the past. Let's see what would change... :)

The next chapter = their first dinner/outing together as a married couple...And... *no spoilers* ;D

As always, I really hope you all liked this update and are liking the story so far, please, let me know your thoughts, feelings and leave comments and give me feedback so I can improve and feel motivated... :)

To the new and silent readers, I welcome you guys and would be very happy to know your thoughts, so please like and comment to make your presence known... :)

Thank you for waiting, for the sweet and kind comments, for the motivation and encouragement, for the love and support. For everything... :)

Thank you! <3

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