My submission for the contest held by adultfiction
Prompt : through the battles that seemed impossible...

I was born in a society where if a girl is single at the age of twenty-one, it is considered that something is wrong with her. When she gets married finally, her relatives and in-laws start wondering when will she give birth? When she gives birth to a daughter, everyone wonders when will the son come? Like come on! She just went through labor pains and you are asking about another child!

On July23rd, 2016, I got married at the age of eighteen and I don't regret it at all. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. He's my lifeline, really! And we are nothing without each other. On December15, 2016, I found out that I was pregnant. Those who remember their first pregnancy can tell how exciting the feeling is. Me and my husband were on cloud nine. We even started to think of the names for the child that was not supposed to be born. Yes, A week later, I noticed tiny blood spots. Like every first-time pregnant woman, I googled it and found out that it was natural to have very small blood spots. But then, it increased. And kept increasing. So I visited my doctor who then took me for an ultrasound.

"Are you sure your reports were positive? " she asked me while moving that small machine right-round over my belly.

"Why would I lie about it? " I asked in a shaky voice.

"No, I'm not saying that you're lying. I'm asking because I can't see a fetus here. "

Her words shocked me and my heart skipped a beat. " I sent a urine sample for examination, it said, "Positive". I told her.

"I think you've miscarried it. " the words were spoken kindly but still they broke my heart into pieces. This can't happen!! My happiness can't vanish away just like this.. " Here, you can make a βHCG test so we can find out what exactly is the matter. " she tells me and I nod.

After two days, I was sitting in front of my doctor with the reports, praying for a positive answer. But her expressions clearly told me there was nothing positive at all. "You've lost it, Aisha. " she says and all the tears that I had been holding back, came out in a stream. "I'm sorry, dear. Since it's an early miscarriage, I can give you medicine to get all the dirt out in the form of periods and after ten days you can come back to me for an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. "

I nodded and walked outside the clinic, holding my belly with unknown feelings. Fifteen days ago, I held my belly with much love. Yet that day, I held it with sorrow. I went home and locked myself in my room, crying and sobbing with a broken heart.

Later that night when my husband came home, his mother had already told him the whole thing. He came into the room and hugged me right away. We sobbed in each others arms, trying to seek comfort we both needed desperately.

Call it family pressure or call it losing-my-mind, two weeks later I was sitting in front of another doctor to give me medicines to get pregnant again. I can't say if it was my fate or that lady was too stupid that she didn't even asked me how long had it been since I lost the child. To make it short, I was given different medicines for conceiving after every ten days for three months. And then what? Every month's period became an examination result (either I miss it or not). Because of having sudden abnormal hormonal imbalance, I would miss my periods for two months and still not get pregnant.

The days were passing and I was becoming more obsessed with it as well as more depressed with it. Sex became less enjoyable and more dutiful. I gained 15kgs because of those medicines. People would never stop criticizing me for my weight. They would keep telling me how ugly I looked and how can I reduce it, like I didn't know it at all! Whenever I went to visit my relatives, the list of great gynaecologists was there. I even visited some, but nothing worked out. I lost my faith in every relationship. Even the one with God.

After wandering here and there, I was lost. And tired. And depressed. And unhappy. Until one day, I stopped asking for it. I stopped caring about the fact that I had lost one baby and I had gained enough weight. That I had lost calcium in my bones and when will I get pregnant again? Me and my husband decided to perform Hajj (an Islamic essential that is important to perform once in a lifetime for every Muslim. It is performed in the country of Saudi Arabia).

I cried there for days and nights, seeking only one thing in my prayers, a perfectly healthy child. We came back home after forty-five days and I was surprised to find myself satisfied. Periods didn't feel like exams then as I had left the matter in the hands of my creator. After two months of performing Hajj, I missed my period once again and found out that I was expecting. Again.

My feet wouldn't relax on one spot because of happiness. The first thing I did was repenting infront of my Lord. My prayers were answered, a bit late, but it happened. Without medicines, without workouts. Only with strong belief.

And now I have a beautiful one year old daughter, Zunaira.And me and my husband can never stop loving her!
Sometimes I look at her and can't believe it for a moment, how stupid I was to think I was worth nothing yet I got blessed with a beautiful girl. My husband once told me, " It will happen when it's meant to be. "

He was right!

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Authors note:
This story doesn't emphasizes on Islamic beliefs and traditions at all. It emphasize on the fact of believing ourself and not giving up.
Sometimes there are things that we want to tell the world. But we can't, feeling to shy of what others would think. I thank adultfiction for holding this contest that makes people speak for themselves to encourage others. The AISHA suffering in this story is me. Yes, this is my story. Even if I don't win this contest, I hope people will read it and learn not to lose hope when life has pushed them down. Thank you.