i miss you so much, i think i might die

"you let a stranger into your home and gave him a place to sleep," yukhei says, disappointment evident on his face.

"correction," mark says, grinning, "i let a very cute stranger into my home and gave him a place to sleep."

"mark, that's even worse!" yukhei sighs exasperatedly, swatting mark's arm with his hand. "what if he was a murderer? what if he was going to murder you?"

"yukhei, he was drunk."

"advil exists," yukhei shrugs, sitting up from his position on the couch. "anyways, you gave him your number? why?"

"he was cute... and i haven't dated for a long time," mark answers. "not since senior year." 

"i know, mark. i'm your best friend. it's my job to know these things."

quietly, from the comfort of the blanket that he's burrowed into, mark speaks. "...i miss him."

"you're not talking about the cute boy anymore, are you?"

mark shakes his head.

"i miss him, too."

"do you think he's happy?"

"mark," yukhei whispers, moving so that he's closer to the boy. "he's dead. he died when we were seniors."

"he didn't deserve it."

"i know," yukhei puts a hand on mark's arm. "trust me, i know."

"it was my fault."

"no, mark, it wasn't."

mark nods his head intently, tears welling up in his eyes. "don't lie to me, xuxi. you weren't there that day."

"i was. you don't remember."

"you weren't there while he was dying," mark says hoarsely. "not while i held him in my arms and watched the life leave his eyes, heard him say--" his voice cracks, and he exhales shakily before continuing, "--heard him say he loved me before he closed his eyes."

yukhei rubs circles on mark's arm, and mark sniffs into the blanket that he cradles close to his face.

"i want to see his grave."

"again?"

"...yeah."

"now?"

mark doesn't answer, and yukhei takes his silence as a yes. standing, he grabs mark's arm and wraps his own arm around the boy's waist, guiding the younger towards the door.

once they're in the car, mark rolls the window down and breathes in the cold october air. it's enough to ground him, keep him from going nonverbal.

"we need flowers."

yukhei nods and starts the car, turning on the air conditioner and cranking the radio's volume up just a bit. a soft, sweet instrumental begins to play. mark has heard this song before, and although he can't place where he heard it, it soothes him.

the flower shop is empty when they get there, save for the worker who sits at the counter. mark approaches her warily. "do you have any orchids?"

"orchids?" xuxi parrots, looking at mark curiously.

"they were his favorite."

"we do, yeah," the employee says. "do you want a bouquet?"

"please."

she disappears into the back room for the flowers, and mark leans into yukhei's side. when she returns, she rings up the bouquet of orchids and hands them to mark.

the walk back to the car--and the car ride to the cemetery that follows--is dead silent. at one point, xuxi's hand lifts to turn up the radio, but mark coughs, and his hand falters before returning to its place on the steering wheel. 

"mark," yukhei says suddenly, gently placing a hand on mark's shoulder. "we're here."

mark gets out of the car, knuckles white as he clutches the bouquet in his fist. xuxi doesn't follow him inside. mark figures that he's wary.

he remembers the path to the grave well, having visited it many times before on grief-filled walks alone at night. he combs through the rows and rows of graves until he stumbles upon a single marble headstone, dropping to his knees in front of it and letting the flowers tumble from his grip. his hands gently reach forward, trace the carving of the name in the headstone as he speaks the name softly aloud, barely above a whisper.

"i haven't visited in a while. i'm really sorry about that." 

he reaches into the bouquet and picks out a few stray orchids, fitting them between the dirt and the headstone like some sort of barrier. "i miss you."

"i met a boy, like you told me to. he seems nice. he's not you, though."

then, quietly, softly:

"no one can ever replace you. i know that's what you wanted, baobei, but i just... can't."

a breeze sweeps through the cemetery and sends a shiver down mark's spine. he knows it's just a coincidence, but he still smiles softly and rests a hand on top of the grave.

"is that you chastising me or you forgiving me?"

nothing follows. mark huffs out a laugh.

"i think i'll give him a try. for you."

he scatters the rest of the orchids around the grave and stands, his hand trailing up the headstone until there's no more marble left to touch. 

"i love you."

there's no answer. no bird in the trees, chirping, no gust of wind, no nothing. 

mark smiles at that. it means he wants him to move on.

he turns to leave, and as he walks, he realizes that this time, for once, it feels more like seeing an old friend than mourning his love's death.

  ― 

xodaniel