(CHAPTER TWELVE :
IN MEMORIAM)

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SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN MY SNIFFLING and incoherent mumbling, Stefan Salvatore led me inside. I didn't want his pity though — not when I held him as accountable for my death as the person who staked me. Maybe I was looking to point fingers, but I needed something to assure me that it wasn't my fault that two people I loved dearly dropped off the face of the Earth. If Stefan hadn't been so insistent on finding the cure for Elena, I wouldn't have died and if I didn't die, there was a chance Damon would have escaped The Other Side sooner. Alas, I knew this was an empty comfort. I could blame myself — or even Stefan — but it didn't change the fact Damon Salvatore and Bonnie Bennett were presumed dead since the supernatural afterlife imploded whilst they were there.

I was perched on the end of a couch whilst Stefan looked uncomfortable as he remained standing. Since the two of us rarely talked, the tension was palpable. He didn't seem fazed by Damon's disappearance, but I supposed he had months to adjust and mourn whereas I was wrapped up in pretending to be Adelina. It crushed me to think that I didn't know something was wrong — there was no natural way that I could have known what happened, but Damon and I were best friends, a part of me thought I'd have sensed he was in trouble. No matter how mad I was at him, I had every intention of swallowing my pride at some point  to mend what was broken between us because we were a pair and I was a firm believer in everyone needing a little Damon Salvatore in their lives.

Stefan cleared his throat, forcing me to pull my head out of my hands. "What?" I snapped at the vampire.

"It's just . . . Why are you here, Lottie?" He sighed, his forest green eyes overflowing with pity. Although I had yet to tell him how I ended up in a different body, the man didn't think too much of it and had witnessed far stranger things in Mystic Falls. "After how you left things —" He probed, but I had no reservations about jumping in.

"You mean with a stake piercing my heart? God, you make it sound like a choice!" I chastised, but there was no fight left in me. I had already defended what I did to Damon and Klaus and I was tired of my entire life feeling like a rerun. The realisation that I couldn't change the past, only my future, was daunting.

Stefan was alarmed by my outburst, gesturing for me to quiet down with his hands. "Point was, I thought you hated us because of what we did." Closing his eyes, he exhaled and debated whether he should elaborate. "We had a funeral for you. None of us thought you'd want to come back and we did our best to move on after you died. Damon wanted to find a way to bring you back, but the rest of us knew you wouldn't forgive us, so I don't know what you expect me from me now you're back." He rationalised, which I couldn't fault. Despite wanting to be furious that they didn't try to resurrect me, he was right — I would have unleashed Hell on Mystic Falls if I'd been immediately resurrected. Nowadays, I wasn't as vengeful, more disappointed.

I shook my head. "I don't hate you anymore. I did, at first, but I've grown, I guess." I admitted, being forever seventeen had given me the tendency to behave like a teenager sometimes. In hindsight, I needed space from my friends to look at everything without those youthful, rose-coloured glasses. "You're right, I can't forgive Elena, or anyone else that was involved in the plan to kill Kol, but that doesn't mean I've spent all this time throwing darts at your pictures." I assured him, knowing that the remnants of my anger were not to be directed at him. "I'm losing myself, Stefan, and I'm scared. Knowing this town, I'm sure I've missed a lot, but all I want from you is a room for the night until I can find someone to help me figure out what's wrong." Indeed, it was a rare moment of weakness for me and the cracks in my voice highlighted how lost I was. Without Damon, I truthfully didn't know how much Stefan could help outside from housing me for the night — he didn't know me, not enough to ground me. Each day, I feared I was becoming more like Adelina than Charlotte.

"I'm sorry." He knelt down to my height on the couch. "I never said it before, but I'm sorry for being so blindsided in the search for the cure that I didn't care who we hurt, for planning to kill Kol . . . " Stefan listed, his voice fading away and his thick eyebrows scrunching together in thought.

"Thank you, but you were never the one I wanted an apology from." I brushed off his sympathetic attitude, unsure of how to respond to his uncharacteristic display of emotion towards me. "You had no loyalties to me, Elena did." I added, acknowledging that the two of us had never been close, so I understood why he didn't factor me in. On the other hand, Elena was someone I had risked my life for and she repaid me for it by trying to kill the one person she knew I loved.

Turning his head, he glanced off into the distance at the mention of Elena. "Yeah, it was hard on her. Caroline didn't speak to her for a long time and Jeremy tore himself apart over it, Katherine killing him only put him out of his misery." The Salvatore recalled, to which I nodded along with. For a short while, I watched from the afterlife and it was around the time Jeremy was brought back to life that I decided to shut myself out from the living totally.

"Is she around?" I asked, leaning forward slightly. Elena definitely knew me better than Stefan did.

"No, she, uh, stays at the college dorms. She stayed here for a while after she burned her house down, but Damon's death means she's never around." Stefan explained, although I detected he was hiding something. Surely Damon and Bonnie being gone hurt more people than her, I would have thought she'd be the first to comfort Stefan instead of partying all night or doing keg stands at college. She should have experienced enough grief to know that burying the pain under other things never worked.

I raised an eyebrow. "Not even to see you?" I pressed, looking to my left to see a framed photograph of Damon and Elena. "Huh, I guess he really did get the girl." I mused, picking it up and tracing the dark-haired man's face with my fingertips.

Shrugging, the vampire evaded eye contact. "I don't plan to stick around Mystic Falls much longer myself." He mentioned. "Look, she's focusing on being happy without Damon and that's what we all need to be doing. She doesn't come to me, but I've visited her and she's doing good, Lottie. I don't want to ruin that, I don't want you to ruin that." There was a clear cautionary note in his voice, informing me of the lingering feelings he had for his ex. However, there was something else to it too — aversion? Faint as it was, it caught me off guard and furthered my curiosity about the state Elena Gilbert was in.

"I wouldn't. At least one of us deserves to be happy." I murmured, thinking of how close I was to being happy before that wench Rosalie swooped in and destroyed what I was building with Kol. Provided his love for the angel was fake, I had no qualms about hating her. "But, she's not happy, is she? Not really." I sussed out, leaning back into the couch.

"She had her love for him compelled away." Stefan whispered, anguish overpowering his tone. "Alaric made her forget every good memory she had of him, so she doesn't care that he's most likely dead and it's killing me not telling her." The fair-haired vampire admitted, lowering his head.

Immediately, I leaped up. "Why would you let her do that?" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air wildly. "It isn't fair on Damon. It isn't even fair on you — all the three of you endured for her to throw everything away because she doesn't know how to grieve? It's ridiculous!" I cried out, bordering on hysterical due to Elena's insolence. Then, the fear creeped in, who had been helping her grieve? Bonnie was gone too, Caroline had a lot of weight on her shoulders that surely kept her occupied and I was the one who supported her through Alaric's death . . . And Jenna's and John's and even Jeremy's the first time.

Concerned I'd storm her college campus at that very moment, Stefan latched onto my wrist. "I don't agree with it, but she was delusional, Lottie. She had these herbs that made her hallucinate him, it was unhealthy and she was out of control." He clarified, not retracting his hand when I tried to tug out of his vampire strength grip.

"What about if he comes back? She's toyed with years of her memories and that isn't something that can be undone without consequence. Believe me, I know." I countered, remembering how forgetting Kol had emotionally and mentally changed me. If Damon returned, it wouldn't be a case of things going back to normal when she got her memories back. "Or, did you have a funeral for him too?" I scoffed. The logical part of me knew I shouldn't be bitter that they had a funeral for me and moved on, but I was proof that not everyone died with The Other Side. Then again, not everyone had an Esther Mikaelson waiting to pounce on them.

"No, we didn't." Stefan replied through gritted teeth. "They're still holding out hope, but it's been months. Bonnie and Damon aren't coming back, I've accepted it." He didn't hide his displeasure over the fact that the others didn't want to move on with life. In fact, he was infuriated that he'd been dragged back to Mystic Falls when he had a new life with a new job and new girlfriend in Georgia.

"Then let's have one. Right now." I declared, strutting over to the cabinet that I knew held Damon's alcohol.

Baffled, Stefan followed me. "A funeral?" The man checked.

I grabbed two glasses, a bottle of bourbon (with a decent year, naturally) and grinned mischievously at the vampire. "Eh, that's not Damon." I rejected his idea, knowing that a funeral was both impossible at this time and not what the vampire would have wanted. "He once told me that if he were to die, I should open the good bourbon and remember him for what he was — dashingly handsome." In the most dramatic manner, I placed one hand against my forehead and used the other to pour the alcohol. "So that's what we're doing. If he really is dead, I'm not going to cry about it. Instead, I'm going to celebrate him because your brother was one hell of a guy." I informed him, offering him one of the drinks.

"I'm glad he had you. You were a good friend." Stefan praised, swirling the liquid around in the glass as he brooded. "I wasn't the best brother for a long time, I'm still not, but at least I had Lexi. Katherine really did a number on us, I—I shouldn't have left him alone for all those years." Regrets collected when someone was dead and it was no different now, I could tell Stefan was thinking of all the things he did wrong when he should have been drawing attention to all that he did right.

"You know, I wasn't his Lexi. He was mine." I admonished. "I was the one who was off the rails and he helped me. And that's why you should trust me when I say that he didn't blame you for anything. For a long time he did, but then he found out that being a vampire wasn't all bad and the eternity of misery he promised you didn't matter anymore." I revealed, knowing that the entire reason he offered to mentor me was because he saw a little bit of his brother in me. "You made him proud in the end too. He didn't believe that you'd be redeemed after your ripper days, but you pulled yourself back from the deep end and he respected that — no matter how many Bambi jokes he made." I continued, watching how the man's otherwise dull eyes twinkled as I reiterated the sentiments that Damon never expressed to anyone except me because everyone else expected him to be big and bad.

Stefan nodded in appreciation. "I know you don't think I can help you figure out what's wrong," the brunette scanned my changed appearance thoughtfully, "but I do know you. I know that Damon talked about you like he wished you were his sibling instead of me, I know that you spent all night in the woods looking for Caroline despite having an argument, I know that you always stood up for Elena — even when you didn't agree with her — because you never wanted any of us to take her choices away." He listed off on his fingers, his attention to detail startling me. "If your old age is getting to you, then let me remind you of this — Charlotte Hatton is brave, selfless and my honorary little sister."

"Did Stefan Salvatore just make a joke?" I gasped in an exaggerated manner.

He shrugged. "Maybe." Like that, the pair of us were light and teasing as if it was second nature for us to be relaxed around each other. After months of having my guard up around people, the shift was welcome.

"I can see why Damon loved you so much." With a giggle, I wiped my eyes. They'd started to water during the man's speech, the speech that I never knew I needed, but filled with me a newfound sense of purpose all the same. "And he did, love you, that is. Even if he didn't say it in as many words, I could never get him to stop talking about his baby brother back in New York." I reminisced on the simpler days with the raven-haired Salvatore.

This revelation left Stefan in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I didn't have my humanity on, so I was like, 'can you shut up before my human gets cold?'" I paused, mirroring the ex-ripper's expression as he cracked the faintest of smiles. "But, I had never heard anyone talk with such genuine affection before. I lived a sheltered life up until this point, my only example of love being Kol, meaning I didn't understand why Damon talked about you with such vigour. I didn't come from a family where we showed any emotion other than pride, we were always cold to each other and I didn't realise that there was more than one type of love for a long time." I gushed, slowly spinning around as I took in my surroundings — the Salvatore Boarding House. It was so Damon, yet still a little kitschy for his taste. "Even if I didn't openly admit it, I liked hearing him talk about you and I liked that he taught me that love isn't always straight and narrow." Kol might have been my first love, but Damon was the first person I loved without the condition of romance. During my time in New York, he taught me a lot about love. I watched how Damon's obsessive love with Katherine consumed him, how his brotherly love for Stefan continued to both haunt and drive him and how love got him in a sneak attack when he found a best friend in me.

"Thank you." Clutching his glass a little tighter, Stefan raised it in the air. "Damon was always so confident —" Let's not lie about a dead man, Stefan, I thought before cutting in.

I rolled my eyes. "Obnoxious." I corrected.

"And I never felt like he needed me as much as I needed him." He concluded, his voice fragile enough that it would break if too much pressure was applied.

"Damon was just . . . Damon. Sarcastic, a little jaded, but when he loved, he loved with all of him. I feel honoured to have been one of the lucky few that saw beyond his bravado." Gulping, I took that as a cue to say my own piece. In an effort to find the strength to proceed, I searched for the daylight ring he gifted me, only to remember that I was still Adelina and it wasn't there. Diverting my eyes, I repressed my sorrow and lifted my glass to join Stefan's. "To Damon! It's been one hell of ride." I toasted, mustering all the courage I could to finish the sentence without falling apart. Earlier, I lied about not crying — I truly wanted to, but my need to be strong in front of Stefan prevailed.

"To Damon!" Stefan echoed lowly, clinking his bourbon against mine.

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Following our celebration, Stefan offered me one of the guest rooms. Together, we walked down the corridor — spare toothbrush in hand — and I observed how much lighter Stefan seemed now. He didn't drag his feet like he had when we first reunited, so I was content that he had finally let himself grieve and wasn't kidding himself anymore. Our impromptu bonding session showed me that the two of us knew each other better than we thought. In spite of the grave circumstances, I was grateful that he managed to make me feel more like myself.

Stefan stopped in front of a door. "This is it." He announced, gesturing to the room. "If you need anything else, I'm down the hall." Scratching the back of his neck, he waited a beat before leaving, some of our previous awkwardness leaking back in.

I peaked into the room — it was spacious, but on the old fashioned side. Since I used to rent an apartment in town, I rarely needed a room for the night here. However, I explored the house on many occasions and knew it like the back of my hand, so it was only reasonable that the closed door opposite mine piqued my interest more than the one I had been allocated. Damon's room tempted me from less than a three feet away.

"Can I use your phone? Mine's dead." I called after him, licking my lips in an attempt to reduce how dry they were. In truth, I had no idea what I was doing in borrowing Stefan's phone.

Once he handed me his phone, Stefan headed to his own room and it was only when I heard the click of the lock did I slink across to Damon's room. Although I'd been in my friend's room many times, there was something sad about how it was left in such disarray. Nobody had been in it since — or it hadn't been touched, if they had. Women's undergarments were strewn around the floor, the bedsheets were bundled up, papers were scattered across his desk and the waste bin was stacked tall with empty blood bags. Wrinkling up my nose, I was about to leave when a glimmer by the bedside caught my attention and I gravitated towards it.

"My ring." I uttered with wide eyes, hovering over the cabinet. Not thinking twice, I slipped the enchanted lapis lazuli stone onto my finger, craving that sense of familiarity. When I moved it, I noticed that the accessory had been masking two engraved letters — 'C.H.' Taking a step back, I covered my mouth in realising what it was leaning against. "My ashes . . . " I welled up, my gaze fixed on the urn that he kept next to his bed, every night.

Turning around, I quickly closed the door and plucked a shirt off its hanger from my friend's wardrobe. Knowing I was alone, I inhaled his fading scent, curled up on the vampire's bed and dialled Damon's cell number. He wouldn't answer, but I needed to hear his voice one last time.

"Hey! This is Damon, I probably can come to the phone right now, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."

And the moment the dial tone sounded, I didn't hold back and my body was wracked by sobs — the type of sobs that sucked the life out of person, the deep, heaving kind that made a person puffy-faced, bleary-eyed. I didn't even care that my salty tears had drenched Damon's shirt because he was dead and would never wear it again.

Three rooms down, all Stefan Salvatore could do was listen.

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A.N: I think this is one of my favourite chapters because it feels very Memories-esque. All three books have grown with me and take on their own tone, but this was a little more like the first book to me. I really loved that moment Stefan and Lottie shared stories too because they've never had many scenes together and I was glad we had some resolution for them. I feel an overarching theme of this book is healing — we're seeing Lottie mend a lot of bad relationships in her life because she's gained the new sense of wisdom after dying. Side note, this isn't important to my story, but I took some creative liberties with the anti-magic barrier. It should be up at this point in TVD, but I really wanted the end scene in the Boarding House, so we're going to pretend that isn't a thing.

Do you prefer longer or shorter chapters when reading? Most of my chapters are between 3,000 - 4,000 words, I like this, but I know it's a turn for some people and I want to be mindful from now on of what my readers like. Speaking of readers, you may or may not have noticed that — as of last chapter — I have no 'old' chapters that were published. That means votes and comments mean more to me than ever because I need to gage who actually reads this still.