Billy was up early the following day. I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead and a murmur of 'the barn' before hearing the bedroom door click behind him. Rolling over, I found the gray sky of early morning pressing on the windows. My mind drifted to the vivid memories of Billy's fingers gliding over the keys of a piano. It was soothing and lulled me back to sleep. When I awoke again, it was to the brilliant crack of the morning sun slicing across my face. I stretched heavily and dragged myself to the shower.

"Morning," Jackson murmured from above his bowl of cereal.

"Morning," I echoed back.

"Dad in the studio?" He asked.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

Jackson let out a silent shrug and returned to his cereal. I inspected him as I sipped my juice. His neck bowed in the same way as Billy, and his hair hid his eyes.

"Something on your mind?" Fell out of my mouth before I could weigh the cost of prying.

Jackson's eyes flickered up to me before returning to his cereal with another silent shrug.

"Well, if you want to talk, I'm around," I offered.

"Mmhmm," rolled from Jackson as he chewed. "You can go see Dad. If the light is on at the top of the stairs it means he's recording, but you can just flip the right switch, and it will turn a light on for him to know you're out there."

"Oh, that's a smart idea," I smiled.

Jackson just let out a final shrug that irked me, but I opted not to press.

The light was on when I got to the top of the stairs, just as Jackson had predicted. I reluctantly flipped the right switch, hoping I had recalled the directions right. My anxiety only lasted a minute before Billy opened the door.

"Morning." His smile came as a wince.

"Morning, I brought coffee," I offered.

"Thanks." He smiled as he took the mug, but as I entered, I immediately noticed the half-empty pot of coffee sitting on a maker in the corner.

"I guess you didn't need it."

"Tastes better from you," he noted as he took a sip.

"You were up early." My words came breezily, but not because they were light. They came out on a breath that was desperately trying to dispel a tension from origins unknown.

"Yeah, I got a hook in my head. Sometimes it just..." Billy's words dropped out and were replaced by his hand raising to his temple and rubbing as though he were in pain.

"Did you get it out?" I asked as my eyes filtered to the couch and pondered if I was welcome to sit.

"Not cleanly." The admission pricked frustration through his body.

"I can go. I don't want to distract you," I halfheartedly offered.

"Proximity doesn't wane your distraction," he murmured.

"I'm sorry. Have I done something?"

Billy slumped to the piano bench facing me and allowed his body to fold into itself. His elbows met his knees as his head bowed to let his fingers comb through his hair.

"You can't gather missed years by changing who you are." His eyes stayed trained on the floor as he spoke.

"I'm not changing who I am, and I'm not trying to gather missed years." I felt the furrow between my brows.

"You want to leave your job for me." His voice was so quiet; it would've been lost if not for the blanketing silence that otherwise filled the room.

"No, I don't." My voice cut like a bullet.

"That's what you said last night." Billy lifted his hazel eyes to me.

"I'm thinking of leaving my job for me, not for you."

"Because of me?" He extended.

I mulled over the idea. "You and your family are a contributing factor."

"You can't change yourself to fit my lifestyle. Those are your words, Lil. You aren't a follow in my wake kind of girl."

"And I hate to stand," I added as I dropped to the couch, facing him. "Billy, why do you still create music? You don't need the money. You have nothing left to prove. So, why do it? Why are you here, torturing yourself this morning?"

Billy thought for a long moment. His fingers tugged on his hair as bits of things clicked together to form a complete thought. "It's part of me. I can't stop. It's like breathing. And..." Reluctance stalled his words. "It's how I process the world."

"And when you finish a song, get it to a place that you want. How do you feel?"

"Mmhmm," he mumbled.

I kept my eyes on Billy as his eyes flowed over the floor. He didn't expand on his answer, but I could tell he was processing my point.

"I don't feel that at work anymore. I don't get to work for today. Living five years in the future is deflating, but that's what working in strategy is. I miss engaging people. I miss moving them forward. This time I want to do that with the people I love."

"I'm afraid you'll get bored and then resent me, the kids, this life."

He was right. Annoyance flared that he wouldn't just give me what I wanted, but he was right. "I'm not happy at my job."

"But you need to find something else before you give up on it. It could just be a moment. So much has changed for you in the past couple of months."

"I'm frustrated," I announced.

"With me?"

"Yes. And with my job. And with life in general."

Billy's head dropped in defeat.

I slipped from the couch, drawn to his downcast demeanor. I lifted his face with my hands.

"I love you," I reminded him. "I'm frustrated, but I love you."

"I love you too," but he didn't pause. "I'm failing you. I've made things difficult for you. This always happens."

"This is different." I slid to the piano bench next to him and let my head fall to his shoulder.

"It's not different. You're struggling to fit with me, and your frustration is rearing. How many times have you left because you don't feel the fit?" Once his words dropped out, his lips tenderly kissed my forehead.

"Billy, it's different this time because of this conversation right now. I told you what I wanted; you told me why you're concerned. We'll figure this out. I might be frustrated right now, but I know we'll figure this out. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't like saying no to you, especially when what you want is something I desperately want. I want to be selfish. I want you to quit your job and spend every moment with me, but I know that's selfish. And.." Fear choked his words.

"It makes me happy that you want me around all the time. I don't think it's completely true, but it's sweet."

"What do you mean? Of course, it's true. I've been saying that since the moment we met."

"No one wants to be around a single person all the time. It's unhealthy and would lead to some very awkward situations."

"I don't mean literally," Billy scolded.

"I know," I awkwardly giggled through the tense air. "Tell me your fear," I prodded.

"And what if you quit your job and join me? I can take you everywhere; all over the world. And when we're home there will be more than enough sports games, plays, and PTO meetings to keep you busy."

"But..." I continued.

"That is never who you have been. Even when you toured with me, you spent the whole summer prepping for classes," Billy continued.

"What if you don't like this new version of me," I surmised.

"No," Billy spat.

"Except for yes," I challenged.

Billy collapsed into himself. His shoulders rounded as he bowed his head into his hands.

"Billy, life isn't going to stop because we are finally together. When you asked me to marry you and when I said yes, I agreed to this life with you. That means I'm committed to moving forward in life with you. Yes, it could pull us apart from each other, but wearing this ring means I'm going to fight like hell to grow with you. I hope that is what you're committing to as well."

"Of course." Billy's back straightened at the challenge.

"You told me once that playing live can be annoying because people want the Billy Collins from twenty years ago. Well, I agreed to marry you now. I agreed to marry this Billy. I loved you twenty years ago, but I didn't think we could grow together. It felt like the table was set to grow apart."

"But now you see us differently?"

"Billy, I am a very stubborn person, and when push comes to shove, I always get my way."

"I am well aware, Lil."

"I said yes Billy. Hell will have to freeze over before I let this fail. The only thing I can't control is your love for me. That's the leap of faith I am taking, and I am confident that it won't wane," I confidently declared.

"Because you tested it for twenty years and it still never diminished?" Billy challenged.

"No." An incredulous laugh slipped from my lips.

"Really? Then why?"

"Because you told me it wouldn't and I trust you."

"I suck," Billy collapsed into himself again.

"Seriously? That is your takeaway? I get to be the confident romantic one for the first time, well, ever and it results in you thinking you suck?"

Billy mulled my complaint for a moment before lifting his face to me. "I told you I suck." He shrugged.

"I have to figure out what I want to do." I sighed. "Aside from marrying you as soon as possible."

"As soon as possible?" Billy pulled away to inspect me.

"Oh, have I not mentioned that?"

"No, last I heard, you wanted to put a pin in planning. I figured it'd be a long engagement."

"No," shot out of my mouth so fast it startled us both. "Billy, I'd marry you today if I could."

"Why can't you?" As he spoke, Billy swung his hand out to scoop up my legs and drape them over his lap.

"Well, we don't have a marriage certificate or someone to marry us. You know, all the things that matter."

"Those are the things that matter?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"No, but you know what I mean," I swatted at him playfully.

Billy's hand stroked my leg as he got lost in thought. I gave him a moment to dive into his mind knowing he would tell me what was rolling around in there. 

"Hey, Lil," he began as his eyes watched his hand glide over my knee. "You know that thing you are looking for to give you a spark?" 

"Mmhmm," I murmured as I nestled deeper into his chest and watch his hand's movement. 

"Maybe you should think about writing," he offered. 

"Writing?" I asked as I pulled myself away to meet his eyes. 

"Yeah, You love to read and..." Something caused a pause in him. 

"What?" I prodded. 

"The letters; the ones you wrote, but never sent; they were good, Lil. I think of them all the time when I'm writing lyrics. You're connected to emotions, and you speak to them," he offered. 

"Writing," I whispered to myself.