Billy and Jackson returned to the house with a volume of noise that only a pair of Collins boys or a herd of elephants could create. Still, the mixture of slamming doors, laughter, and eager voices made me smile.

"Hey, you," Billy said as he kissed the top of my head and glanced down at my incomplete crossword.

"Hey, Lil!" Jackson added as he poured himself a glass of juice. "I have to shower before Nonna's," he added, as a reason for his quick departure.

"Hurry," Billy called after him. "We're supposed to be there..." he peered down at his watch, "shit, now."

"I lost track of time. I can take Viv now and let them know you'll be along soon," I offered, but my tone was distracted.

"What's wrong?" Billy's brow furrowed as he inspected me and let a hand slip to my knee.

"Nothing." I gave a false laugh before redirecting the conversation. "How did it go with Jackson?" I knew Billy wouldn't be able to resist.

"That kid is amazing. If I had half the talent that he has." Billy shook his head as his eyes went vacant while his mind wandered through his morning with Jackson. Then his focus snapped back to me, "thank you."

"What did I do?"

"He never would've come to me if he didn't go to you first. You two have a connection that's good for him; it opens him up a bit."

"He's a good kid." I smiled, but my mind slipped to Viv.

"So, what's wrong?" Billy prodded again.

"Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Well, I've known you for twenty years, so I have some history on my side. You're clearly distracted, and you've had the crossword all morning and haven't finished it yet. Even I know the capital of Peru is Lima." He tapped the crossword clue as he spoke.

"Mmhmm," I agreed as I tossed my pen down and pushed the crossword away from me.

"So," Billy prodded again, "what's wrong?"

"We're moving too fast," I blurted.

"What? Woah, where did that come from?" The panic rose from deep within Billy and clouded his face with confusion.

"It came from we're moving too fast. We've tried this before and broken everything. So, we have to go slow and give everything time to adjust."

"Okay, okay." Billy lifted his hand to my shoulder as though he feared I'd bolt from him at that moment. "So, what does slower look like?"

"I don't know. We can't force this." I shook my head as my stomach twisted like I was in an actual freefall.

"Okay, what feels forced?"

"I don't know," as I spoke, my hands lifted to my head, tugging my hair back.

"Lil," but as Billy reacted, Viv meandered into the kitchen.

The three of us paused and assessed each other. For a moment, I could've sworn I saw a slight smile on Viv's face.

"Daddy, how long until we're leaving?" Viv sweetly asked.

"Ah," Billy struggled to pull his mind to Viv's question. One of his hands lifted as he rubbed his brow with the palm of his head. "Your bother is in the shower. So, probably like a half-hour, Vivee."

"Okay, I'll be in my room doing my homework." She smiled.

It clicked then; she had pushed it too far.

"Freeze." Shot out of Billy's mouth and sliced across the room. Both Viv and I froze. "What did you two do this morning?"

"Nothing." Viv shrugged as she met Billy's gaze with wide, innocent eyes.

"Viv, you haven't done homework on the first weekend of a school vacation ever. So, what's going on here?" Billy let a hand wave between Viv and me as he spoke.

"Billy," I set a hand on him to calm him.

"Someone needs to tell me what's going on?" He demanded again.

"Viv has some concerns about us, and, to be honest, she has a right to them." I tried to keep my voice even.

Billy took a deep breath to quell the rising anger in him. He then set a softer gaze back on Viv and began, "Viv, do I get to hear your concerns?"

"Um, no?" Viv tried.

"Wrong answer," Billy shot as a knee-jerk reaction.

"Billy, you can't force her, and you can't force a relationship between Viv and me," I cautioned. "Viv, why don't you head up to your room and pretend to do your homework," I added with a nod to her.

"I'll do that," she began, "but not because you told me to. Because that feels like the best option for my vacation's social calendar." And with that, Viv scampered back upstairs.

Billy let his face fall to his hands on the counter as he collected himself. "I love that kid," he murmured into his hands, "but sometimes she's a royal pain in the ass." He then lifted his face to meet my gaze. "So, tell me what she said, and I'll fix it."

"Billy." I let out a breathy laugh. "That's not how this works."

"Yeah, she's my daughter. I'll get her on the right track."

"Get her on the right track? Billy, there's no wrong track with how she feels."

"There is if she thinks she can bust us up for sport."

"She's worried about you because she loves you. That's not busting us up for sport, and that's not something that needs to be corrected or reprimanded."

"Lil, you aren't her mom. Don't act like you know how to parent her." The minute the words left his mouth, Billy regretted them. It was the first time I had seen the spiral of regretful panic cross his face. For a moment, I thought he might grab at the air as though he could stop the sound waves before they hit my ears. "That came out wrong."

"No, it didn't. And that's why we all need to slow down. We need to figure out everyone's roles here. I'm not their parent; I'm not their friend. I'm their dad's girlfriend. It's a weird dynamic, especially since this relationship is new to them, but it's not new to everyone else around them."

"Jackson is handling it fine," Billy argued.

"For now, he is, but there'll be times when he struggles with who I am and how I relate to him. Honestly, Billy, there will be times we struggle with whom we are concerning each other."

"So, what? We just give up again?"

"That's an option if you think it's best. We need to slow down, have fewer plans, and have more life. We need to let things unfold for a beat or two."

"But together?" Billy's eyes grew wide in confirmation.

"Yes, my way is together, but you get to decide."

"Together, and next time, lead with together. I've got some wounds that are barely scabbed."

"Okay, Billy, I think we should slow down... together," I agreed.

"But what does that mean?" Billy's frustration was boiling over again.

"Let's go to the barn," I soothed, knowing it was soundproof if his frustration grew further. He looked at me in panic before I added, "to figure this out together."

I took his hand and led him to his studio like a child. The second the door clicked behind him, I pressed into his frame. I wanted to engulf him in me; I wanted him to know that I was a part of him and was never leaving.

"Lil, I'm scared," he whispered into my shoulder. "I can't lose you again."

"Hey," I said as I pulled away and looked directly into his eyes, "you're not losing me. Slower doesn't mean goodbye. I think we both agree to that."

He sighed and let his forehead fall to mine. "Okay, so, what do we think slower means?"

"Well, I probably won't be changing my residency from Mary's right off."

"But you always stay here. The kids know that you're staying here. Slowing down doesn't mean going backward." He dropped his grasp from me as he spoke, paced across the floor, and sunk to the tattered loveseat.

I nodded my head after him. "You're right. You've already had that conversation with Viv. There's no need to go backward."

"So, we agree you move in when we get back from Maine." Billy looked up at me with a mix of frustration and hope.

"We have to play it by ear. We know Mary won't slam the door in my face if I show up there."

"I hate this, Lil. I hate not being in control of my own life."

"Billy, no one can control everything unless they live a very lonely life. Trust me, I know from experience." I moved to stand in front of Billy. It was different to look down on him. "Viv just needs time, and honestly, you do, too."

"Me? I don't need time. I know what I want, and I want you. I've always wanted you."

"Billy, you have me. I'm not going anywhere, but that's what you need to understand. Moments ago, you thought we were breaking up again. I get it; that's what happened in the past; we hit a bump and completely derailed. We need to learn to work through problems together." I let my hands fall to his hair.

He looked up at me as his hands lifted to my hips, pulling me onto his lap. "I guess maybe the waiting for marriage thing wasn't so off."

"Um, no. I hope Viv never knows what we do or don't do in the bedroom, so those two things are unrelated.

"Do you now?" He leaned back as some of the tension escaped with his words.

"I do. I think that as soon as we both feel confident enough in our relationship, we should pursue the more physical aspect of it," I mused as I sunk into his neck, peppering it with kisses.

"Tell me more, professor," Billy murmured as his arms circled me.

"A lifelong relationship can't be formed unless you're emotionally and physically connected. Part of our disconnect comes from the physical disconnect, but, like anything, you can't rush it. Both partners have to be ready for such a step." I pulled away from his neck to return his gaze. "For the record, I'm ready."

"Mmhmm, you've made that clear."

"And you are?" I prodded.

"Taking it slow."

I let my head fall to his shoulder in defeat. "Fair; you just let me know when you're ready."

"Well, first, I need to know what the hell state we're in." His words were abrasive, but the anger had drained from his tone, leaving only confusion.

"We freeze, just like this. This is our day-to-day. I'll be around; hopefully, Viv will get used to it. What do you think, Papa Bear?"

"I think you calling me Papa Bear is just as bad as fixating on my pasta pouch. And I think you're right; both kids need to adjust. I need to remember that they don't have twenty years with you." Billy then pulled me off his shoulder to look straight into my eyes. "I'm sorry about the parent thing."

"Don't be. I'm not their parent, and I don't want to be. They have two great parents. I have to figure out my role." My head fell to the side as I thought. "How did your ex fit in?"

"My ex?" Billy stiffened at the abrupt change in topic.

"Yeah, you two were together for a while, and the kids seemed to know her."

"Um, yeah; they knew her."

"What's going on here, Mr. Squirrel?"

"Mr. Squirrel? Is name-calling needed?" Billy shifted beneath me, but couldn't get far without spilling me off his lap.

I grabbed onto his neck to cement my place. "You really don't want to tell me about her, do you? Should I be worried?"

"No, you shouldn't be worried."

"What was her name?"

"Jenny, her name was Jenny." Billy's eyes flickered away before he added. "Would you look at the time? We have to get to Sunday lunch."

"We have a few minutes." As I spoke, I shifted deeper into his lap.

"Why do you want to know about my ex? It's always been you, Lil. She was just another distraction."

"Mmhmm, my sweet boyfriend." I smiled as I brushed his hair from his face. "If you don't tell me, I'll ask Timmy."

"Okay, so she was a bit younger than me," he admitted.

"How much younger?"

"She's thirty," Billy offered, but there was a catch in his voice.

"Oh, that's not terrible. I mean, fifteen years is a gap... how long were you together?"

Billy hesitated before quickly murmuring, "seven years."

"I'm sorry. Did you say seven years?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't like we were together together. It was casual for a long time. I wasn't great with boxes, you know? Like we were friends, and then we were more, but we were also still friends. It just flowed."

"Right, because she was waiting to get her braces off before committing?" I asked.

"Lil, don't be mean," Billy cautioned.

"You were with her for seven years. So basically, what happened is a thirty-eight-year-old you met a twenty-three-year-old and thought, 'that's the girl for me.'"

"No, I met her through work. She's a solid studio musician, and we clicked. It was easy. She didn't want the whole thing, and I was all broken, so I couldn't offer much aside from some fun."

"Seven years is not frivolous," I pointed out.

"Right, yeah. In the last couple of years, she started wanting more, and for a while, I thought I could be more. She started spending more time at the house, getting to know the kids. You know, we were seeing if it would fit."

"And..." I prodded.

"It didn't fit," he declared.

"Why not?"

"Well." he bowed his head to accent the obvious point. "She wasn't you. And, as we got to know each other on a more emotional side, we realized we had little in common. Plus, it was freaky when she shared clothes with Viv." Billy shook off the thought, but not before his reaction pulled a laugh from me. "I mean, it was fine when Viv was stealing her stuff, but when she showed up rocking one of my pre-teen daughter's skirts, it was over." He let the sharp memory fall from his mind before returning to me. "Are we good here?" He prodded, clearly not appreciating my laughter.

"Yeah, we're good here." I slid off his lap, but he caught my hips and pulled me back deeper into his lap.

"Hey, this, the talking; this is what I need. This makes me know you're going to stick around."

I brushed his hair out of his face and looked over his expression as the throb of pain I had inflicted on him for years surged through me again. "I'm here for as long as you'll have me. You take all the time you need." I kissed the tip of his nose before pulling myself from his grasp.

"Unfortunately, I don't know if my mom would agree; we're very late."

"If she allows it, I'll head over with Viv, and you can come with Jackson when he's out of the shower."

"Rule number one of Viv, if you give her the power, she'll take it... every time. I'll let her know you're taking her. She'll be down in ten minutes."

"Oh, I can't wait." I sighed.