"Hey Emma? I've got a customer who's saying that their portion size is ridiculously small compared to the last time they ate here but it's seriously the same as we always make it. What should I do?" One of the newer, younger staff members comes up to me and asks with panic on their face.

I take a second to process what she is saying and even longer to come up with an answer.

The poor girl, fresh out of school and wanting to make sure she doesn't step a toe out of line, looks at me expectantly for an answer. As on duty manager it is up to me to deal with this sort of stuff. And normally I do. But tonight I just can't function properly. My mind is elsewhere. I'm reeling, so on edge.

The fact that the exact reason I'm in this headspace and situation has showed back up here again this evening when for some reason I had thought that he would just magically disappear with a poof out of my life once he got what he wanted isn't exactly helping either. Sure what had happened would still be on my mind, but I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. Except now I do.

What if he says something? He keeps looking over at me and smirking. I know he knows that I hate myself for what happened between us.

"What's the problem here?" Hannah, the second in charge comes up to us probably after seeing my blank expression and the girl Julia's urgent questioning, putting a hand on my shoulder causing me to jump in fright.

"Woah, sorry there Em. You alright? What's up Julia?" She asks, frowning at me wearily.

"This lady is claiming that we are skimping on her portion size but it's no smaller then normal!" She exclaims growing more and more worried even though I know by now that with people like what this lady sounds like you just really can't get yourself stressed out about their stupid complaints.

Hannah quirks her eyebrow at me, waiting for an answer.

"U-um." I stutter out unsurely.

"Here, don't worry about it. I'll deal with it in a second. Just get to serving your next table." Hannah huffs and waves Julia away. "Are you alright Emma? You don't look so great. Can't say you're at the top of your game tonight either."

Good old Hannah hitting me with the straight up truth. She's not wrong though at all.

"No, I'm not actually feeling the best now that you mention it." I swallow hoarsely.

Eh, kind of a lie but certainly not the worst one I've told as of late. Of course I don't feel well... it's just not in the sickness sort of way like she's probably thinking.

"Why don't you head home then? I'll cover the fort here." She offers.

I don't really know how I feel about that. Of course I want to get out of here, away from that guy and away from all these people and just have some time to myself to think. But home is quite possibly the last place I want to be right now too... with Bucky. I know that seeing him is just going to make me feel so awful, even more so than I already do.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

She nods. "It's never busy on a Thursday night and we're not exactly run off our feet right now anyway are we? You're not exactly being the biggest help this evening either, no offence."

I look at the ground sheepishly. "Thanks." I mumble.

"Just go, get out of here before I push you out the door to your car myself." She insists.

"Okay." I sigh and turn to go grab my coat and leave sparing a quick glance in the direction of the guy who sits at the bar still and is unsurprisingly watching me yet again. "Thanks, I'll see you Saturday."

It just looks like he enjoys my torment.

                                      ~~~~

"Oh, what are you doing home so early doll? I thought you said it was tomorrow that you have off?" Bucky asks as I slip in through the door.

My hopes that he would perhaps be over at Steve's since he didn't think I'd be home are shattered in an instant when I find him to be standing right there in the kitchen. He walks places a lot of the time so his car being in the drive has never really been a good tell of whether or not he's home. As for his motorbike, he never takes that to school either because he doesn't think it's a good look rolling up to work on that.

Great, I can't even get a moment to collect myself and I didn't even check to make sure that it didn't look like I've been crying in the car the whole way home. I just have to hope to god that it doesn't and that I can go tidy myself up a bit before talking to him properly.

"Oh yeah it is, but I came home saying that I felt sick." I mumble as I fiddle with the keys in the door, my back turned so that he can't see my face.

Okay at least so far my voice doesn't sound scratchy or anything.

"Oh no," he says hesitantly and I can hear the concern in his voice. "Do you? You were fine this morning weren't you? Looking all gorgeous in your make up and stuff... not that you need it of course."

Fuck. What do I say? There's no way I can tell another lie.

Normally I would smile and blush, maybe even giggle at that last comment. But tonight it just makes my heart break, riddled with even more guilt.

"Ah, no." I start, trying to think of a decent enough excuse.

"Oh I see," he says in a sultry voice, thankfully before I have the chance to continue with a stupid excuse. "You just wanted to take the night off so that you could spend it with me, didn't you?"

I turn around for a brief second, trying to hide my alarm when I see the teasing, playful smirk on his face as he walks over to me.

"Ah yeah, that's exactly it." I blurt out before I know it; starting yet another lie despite what I was just thinking. "You sounded so gutted this morning that I just felt real bad and thought what the hell? I've got enough leave so why not treat us to two nights in a row of actually getting to sit down and have dinner together? It's not a very common occurrence that we get to do that. But first, I just need to go to the bathroom. I'll come see you in a moment."

And with that I turn on my heel and head straight to the bathroom of our little single bedroom studio apartment, plonking myself on the toilet with my head cupped in my hands in dismay as I try to comprehend what the fuck that bullshit verbal diarrhoea was that just came out of my mouth.

Do I want to make this even more of a mess than it already is?

After sitting there for a minute just trying to get my mind in order and surprisingly not breaking down crying again, I stand up and look in the mirror and find that by some miracle no one would have any idea that I've been crying. There's no mascara staining my cheeks, not even red or puffy eyes. I just look sort of tired.

As I head back out I make the decision to just go along with whatever happens tonight. He seems to be in such a good mood, I don't want to spoil that. Surely I'll be able to keep this a secret right? Only I know, as long as I keep my mouth shut everything might just be able to move on fine.

I'll start to feel better about it. I know it was a mistake, it's not like I enjoyed it. Bucky will never know so it won't cause him any harm.

"Sorry, I was just planning on heating up some leftover chicken and rice for myself tonight. I didn't have anything decent prepared." Bucky calls out when he must hear me start to come back down the hall.

"Oh no that's okay. I'll just make a salad so that we can make it stretch a little further." I reply as I walk back into the lounge.

"Sounds perfect." He turns around and grins before coming over to me. "Thanks doll."

He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. Instantly my heart pangs. Everything he does makes me feel so bad. But it's my own stupid fault so I deserve the pain. Just think about how much more pain he'd be in if he found out.

"That's okay." I mumble into his shirt before pulling away and heading to the fridge, rummaging around to find anything that I can use for a salad to make it slightly interesting.

We don't really do much at all for the rest of the night. Thankfully Bucky is such a chatterbox at the best of times that he doesn't realise that he's the one making all of the conversation while I'm just staring into space, my mind elsewhere as I try to focus on containing my guilt.

After dinner we watch a movie, Saskia curled up at my feet on the floor keeping them warm and his arm resting around my back where I must fall asleep in the crook of his shoulder because before I know it he is nudging me awake gently.

"Babe?" He whispers softly.

I blink and look up at him groggily.

"Should we head up to bed now?"

"Mhm." I mumble and let him sleepily lead me up the stairs where we crawl into bed next to each other and I must drift back off almost instantly.

                                      ~~~~

It's the next night where I start to feel like I'm a really, really bad person. Since I'm not working, Bucky and I decide to take Saskia for a walk together when he gets home from work just after four. When I had woken up this morning I definitely didn't feel any better about what I had done whatsoever but I managed to distract myself throughout the day by cleaning the house from top to bottom.

We walk through central park for at least an hour, just chatting about life and for a brief moment I actually do forget why I'm feeling so down. On our way home we decide to just pick up some Chinese takeout for dinner and once we are home we put it in the fridge and make a chocolate self-saucing pudding as dessert. Besides the fact that it's a Friday, we don't normally do this anyway but for some reason today we do. If I can do anything romantic to counter how cruel I've been that's got to count for something right?

After dinner and the delicious treat for dessert along with a couple of glasses of wine, I find myself completely distracted and not even thinking about it as Bucky swoops me up the stairs and we come crashing down against each other on the bed, our lips connected in a matter of seconds. It feels so damn good. He always makes me feel on top of the world when we do this... so much better than that other horrible man.

But it's not until we are breathless and sweaty and tangled amongst the sheets that I start to realise how sick and twisted this whole charade I seem to be playing is. It's not like I can just sleep with Bucky again and that cancels out what I did or wipes the slate clean and all would be forgiven even if I were to tell him. If only. Life doesn't work like that.

"I love you so much doll." He murmurs, his chest pressed against my back and his strong arms encircling my waist making me feel so safe as per usual.

"I love you too Buck." I practically whimper in reply as I stare blankly at the chest of draws next to the bed and squeeze his hand entwined with mine. "Please don't ever forget that."

"And why would I ever do that?" He mumbles and leans over to kiss my temple before flopping back down on his back.

I roll over and snuggle into his chest where he soon falls asleep, but I don't.

~~~~

"How was school?" I ask Bucky as he plonks his laptop bag on the table.

"It was okay." He shrugs.

I turn around and lean back against the kitchen counter.

"The best part was when the elementary school kids came over and the girls had to coach them." He smiles.

"Aw that would have been so cute." I pout.

"Yeah, I can't wait to have kids." He sighs, his gaze dropping to the floor before looking hesitantly back up at me.

I raise my eyebrows at him and pop a carrot stick from the pile that I've been cutting up in my mouth. "One day."

When you actually get down on one knee, I can't help but think to myself.

No. I don't get to be sour about that after what I've done. I could've ruined any chance of that ever happening now.

Of course you don't have to be married to have kids, but it's just the way I've always imagined things rolling out for me. Although Bucky probably never imagined me cheating on him as the way things would roll out for him either.

"I know doll." He grins. "I'm just teasing... perhaps planting the seed."

As for that massive mistake of mine last week, I am gradually starting to feel better about it. Well, less guilty I guess you would call it. I'll never feel better about it. Nothing's come out about it yet so I'm feeling less and less on edge each day which probably helps too.

Besides my mind being complete scrambled eggs trying to process why the fuck I did it, this past week has been pretty good for Bucky and I. We've had a few nights where we are both at home for dinner which is always nice.

"So it was a girls class huh?" I ask, changing the subject. "You better be careful, handsome young male teacher like yourself with a bunch of teenage girls? You're going to have to watch yourself, who knows what they're saying about you or what they'll get up to." I tease.

"Well whatever it is you don't have to worry your pretty little head about it at all." He smirks and comes sauntering over to me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head. "I can hold them off."

I just hug him back and bury my head in his chest, grateful to still have him.

"So I'm working tomorrow but what are your plans for Sunday? Should we go do something?" I look up and ask after a while.

"I've got the physio at eight remember but maybe we could go grab some breakfast and do something afterwards?" He huffs, always getting frustrated that he's still in physio and probably will be for the rest of his life. "Oh! We could go to that new ice skating rink that's just opened up? Could be a bit of a laugh."

"Sounds amazing." I smile and lean up on my tiptoes to peck him on the lips while his hands lay gently on my waist.

I'm at the point where I think I need to just try and move on from what happened. He's better off not knowing and I know that I'm never, ever going to do it again. I don't want to ruin what we have.

                                      ~~~~

I watch Bucky wearily as he aggressively stabs at his omelette with a sulky look on his face. He hasn't really said much and pretty much looked that way ever since he stepped foot out of the physio room.

"I take it the physio didn't go as well as you'd hoped then?" I ask hesitantly.

He drops his fork and looks up at me dully. "No." He mumbles. "It's no better whatsoever. Don't have anymore movement than I did two months ago."

My heart pangs for him. I know how frustrating this is for him. "Buck. You must understand by now that your shoulder is probably never going to get one hundred percent better again right? I know it's unfortunate and not what you want but if there hasn't been any progress this far do you really think that there's going to be?"

"I know." He huffs. "I just want to get back to doing something physical and not being held back at anything so badly. I'm sick of it."

I reach across the table to rest my hand on his supportively and smile at him sadly. "There's still plenty of stuff you can do, and you are loving the teaching job right? Can't you see yourself sticking at that?"

"Yeah, I know. I suppose you're right." He rolls his eyes.

"See it's not all that bad. You're still a lot better off than a lot of other people."

He smiles wryly at me. "You always know how to look on the bright side of things don't you?"

Yeah, I think to myself. That's just because I'm really having to look on the bright side of things myself right now in order not to break down.

But outwardly I just smile back at him.

After breakfast we head to the ice skating rink. Thankfully since we are there pretty early it's not very busy and we have the place mostly to ourselves. Bucky calls Steve and convinces him and Peggy to come meet us there and within half an hour all four of us are skating clumsily on the ice, laughing our heads off, falling on our butts whilst trying to save each other.

We stay there for a few hours before all going to get some lunch together afterwards before finally heading home. It's not until Bucky and I are cuddling on the couch that afternoon that I realise that that is probably the longest amount of time I've gone without thinking about what happened. But now that it's back to being just Bucky and I around again, that's when the guilt starts to creep back in.