The second it's over I get the most unexplainably awful feeling in my gut.

How could I ever do this to Bucky? Cheating goes against all of my morals. I never thought I'd do it.

I love Bucky, I really do. But things have just been so frustrating lately. And that guy has been coming into work and hitting on me every night and it was just so easy, the perfect way to let out my anger.

Bucky has done nothing wrong technically, or it's not his fault at least. But it's not really mine either. But things just started building up and now every little mistake is ticking me off.

Oh who am I kidding? There's no excuses for what I've just done.

We have been together for five years now and despite all of my hints and even blatant comments he still hasn't popped the question.

Him and I hit it off right from that first night we met and the two of us moved in together little over a year later. We got a little studio apartment, helped by Bucky selling his car and just kept his motorbike. If he ever needs a car he just uses mine, otherwise we just do everything together anyway.

Things were moving fast and there was just something I felt that made me know that this was meant to be, that he was the one. By now he's twenty-eight and I'm twenty-six and we both feel as though we have pretty much the same plans for what we want in life.

Despite all this, the closest we have actually come to settling down and perhaps even starting a family together is adopting a husky puppy three years ago and naming her Saskia. Since then not much else has happened.

Steve and Bucky are still best friends, basically brothers. A few months after meeting the two of them a new girl started at work called Peggy and not only did we become great friends ourselves but her and Steve... well, put it this way, they're now engaged.

Bucky couldn't even take that as enough of a hint.

He keeps saying he is going to do it, he's just waiting for the right time. But obviously that still hasn't come because it's been two years now since he started saying that. I'm starting to think he's having doubts about the two of us. If he wanted it as much as me he would've proposed by now.

I don't see how the times not right. I'm not waiting around for anything. Ever since Bucky's injury he hasn't been able to go back and fight. His left arm never fully recovered; he still hasn't got full motion back in it and no one can see it happening soon with all the rehab he goes through. Still to this day it gives him trouble; some days worse than others.

"You never know Buck, remember how tiny I used to be? Miracles do happen." Steve always says lightly.

"Steve puberty is what happened to you, that's not a miracle." Is always Bucky's disheartened reply.

He quite easily gets really down about it. He loved the army. Not only that but it's affected his sporting ability too. Even if he couldn't go back to serving he would've loved to do something more physical still like the police force or fire brigade but they won't accept him with such an impactful injury. Everything else recovered fine, I can hardly see the scars on his ribs now. It's just that arm. By the sounds of it the bones were shattered and the shrapnel tore through his deltoid so he's actually lucky to still have the arm at all.

Now days, I still work at the restaurant. For whatever reason I just love that kind of work and it's what suits me at this point in my life. The only thing is that it can make Bucky and I's schedules clash so that we only really get to see each other when we are getting ready in the morning for a few days at a time. But it's a good place and they've given me plenty of opportunities to learn new tricks of the trade and get pretty decent qualifications. I've been there so long by now that I'm on a fairly decent pay and ranked as a manager whenever I'm working.

At some point in the future I think my dream would be to start my own cafe/restaurant for myself that I own and manage. Bucky knows all about this idea and fully supports it.

Steve is still heavily involved in the army but does more of the behind the scenes stuff and remains locally stationed so that he can stay home and spend time with Peggy. Peggy is in the police force; she got her qualification in England where she is initially from but when she first moved over to New York she couldn't get a job in one so started working with me.

As for Bucky, well he managed to get a job at the local high school as a PE teacher thanks to the degree he got fresh out of high school.

Things are pretty good. Well, were pretty good until I've just gone and possibly ruined everything. I just didn't realise things were actually all fine until it was too late.

To make things worse this is a long term relationship that we have both put work into in order for it to last forever. But now I could've unravelled all of that in the last five minutes.

Five minutes! That's all it took.

I don't know how I could be so naive and selfish. I thought that because we loved each other that everything would unfold perfectly. But nothing comes that easily, everything has conditions. Including love apparently. And it can make you do stupid things clearly too.

The man in front of me doesn't even look like he cares even though he knows what he's done. I told him I had a boyfriend to try fend him off a few weeks ago but clearly it didn't work.

I wish you could just close your eyes and open them again to find that it is Bucky before me, the two of us laying in bed, tangled under the sheets as the sun rises behind the curtains after another amazing night. Instead, it's with this random stranger, squeezed in an uncomfortable broom closet so close that our noses are almost touching, trying not to knock over cleaning supplies and get the job done quickly so that I can go home without raising any suspicions.

As usual, I was on close and this guy hung around till the end. But unlike normal when I would shoo him out, something just came over me and I stupidly grabbed him by the scruff of his collar and dragged him into the broom closet.

"Wow sweetie that was amazing." He murmurs breathlessly in my ear.

It wasn't even good, I think to myself in disgust.

"Get off me." I spit, filled with instant regret, and shove him out of the closet causing the door to open with a bang.

"What? But?" He exclaims flabbergasted.

"Get out! Leave!" I scream pointing to the front door.

"You made this choice sweetheart." He shrugs. "But thanks for giving me what I wanted anyway."

And he leaves just like that suddenly loosing all interest in me. He put all that time and effort in just for one quick fuck.

Shaking and in shock, I clean yourself up and reorder the broom closet so that it looks like we weren't even there. Just as I go to leave I realise I'm crying. Quickly, I go to the bathroom and clean up my mascara before heading home... to Bucky.

What have I done? Is all I keep thinking.

I'm in such a daze that I don't even think about what the consequences could be or how I'm going to deal with this, just that it's all going to end very badly one way or another. Things like this always do.

I pull into the driveway twenty minutes later than normal which in itself I know is going to start questions. Bucky is always awake to say goodnight to me and I'm always home by 12:45am.

Praying that by some miracle he's asleep I creep inside as quietly as possible and head for the stairs that lead our bedroom. But when I look up there is a large, shadowy figure standing at the top, causing me to jump in fright since I'm so on edge.

"Em? Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Bucky's husky voice whispers.

"James." I sigh.

Shit. I never call him that.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I was worried about you." He confesses as he jogs down the stairs to greet me. "You're normally well home by now. I thought something might have happened to you."

"Oh," I say guiltily. "Well, I'm fine. Just got held up with some of register issues. Sorry."

"It's okay." He mumbles and embraces me in a hug.

It only makes me feel worse but I savour it, feeling like this could very well potentially be the last hug I get from him if he finds out tomorrow.

"Let's go up to bed."

I nod and let him lead me, laying down beside him and letting him spoon me, his body heat sending tingles through my body. Or maybe it's just the guilt that is starting to settle in.

It's not long before Bucky's breathing slows and the rise and fall of his chest against my back steadies into a soothing rhythm. But I don't sleep. It was all such a blur that I haven't had time to process it until now that I have stopped.

The awful feeling only gets worse and worse to the point that I am crying silent tears.

Why did I do that? It could've so easily not happened but you made it happen. Bucky didn't deserve it. I do love him and I know he loves me from the little gestures like staying up every night to say goodnight and getting worried about me for being twenty minutes late.

I'm terrified. What if I blurt it out in your sleep? What if I get so guilty that it just slips out in a conversation because I know it's going to constantly play on my mind? What if he finds out through someone else?

No. No one was around to see and that guy doesn't even know my name let alone my boyfriend.

This is my secret and I'm going to have to choose what to do with it. The question is, do I tell or do I keep?

Doesn't Bucky deserve to know what an awful person I am? But then again, would hiding it and trying to move on actually be better because I know that finding out would absolutely destroy him?

~~~~

When I start to feel Bucky stirring I pretend to be asleep. I can't let him know I was awake all night, staring at the chest of drawers across the room. I wish you could just wish this whole thing away. Finally his alarm goes off at 5am and he groans before rolling over to hit the off button.

He's always been an early riser. He likes to get up early and go for a run with Saskia before work. The crazy thing is he pretty much wakes up at 5am without the assistance of an alarm anyway. But that doesn't make me feel any better about keeping him up even later then usual with my antics last night.

Sometimes he has nightmares and normally I'm the one staying up for him and he's the one not sleeping. I think he's got at least mild PTSD from the accident and everything that ensues with fighting in a war. But he can't help that so I'm fine with it whereas I just fucked up big time.

Normally I would role over and give him a light kiss before he gets up as a good morning greeting, the alarm waking me up too. But I just can't face him right now in fear of breaking down.

He leans over and kisses my cheek as I pretend to sleep before rolling out of bed and almost silently getting changed into what must be his jogging gear and then heads out. The minute I hear the front door close my eyes snap open.

I have to get up. I have to do something to take my mind off of this. I have to sort myself out and act as if nothing happened for the moment. I can't go telling him just yet, I have to think about it.

I know full well I would be telling anyone else that the sooner you get it off your chest the better but now that I'm the one in the hot seat I'm too chicken to do it.

Normally I would lay in bed for another half hour or so before getting up and making breakfast for the two of us but this morning I'm out of bed straight away and in the shower.

The shower is my go to crying spot (as pathetic as that sounds, sometimes you just gotta have a good cry, you know?), but this morning I don't cry, as much as I want to. I almost feel empty from the guilt. I scrub myself clean as if I can scrub away my sins and wash my hair before getting out, getting dressed into some respectable clothes and doing my hair and a lot more make up then usual to cover the bags under my eyes and then go make breakfast.

By the time I have Bucky's scrambled eggs steaming on his toast it's 6:30am and he walks through the door, puffing and sweaty.

Crazy, he goes running for over an hour and still claims he's not that fit. But running is the only thing that he's got now that he can't box or play football or basketball, so he nearly obsesses over it.

Saskia comes bounding over to me, tongue hanging out and excited to greet me good morning as she leaps up to nuzzle me.

"Hey girl." I force a grin and cuddle into her soft fur, scratching her behind the shoulder and pretending I'm over the moon to see her even though she's the last thing on my mind right now despite how much I truly do care about her.

"Oh I love that smell." Bucky groans as he comes over to me, skin tight long sleeve compression shirt causing each and every one of his defined muscles to bulge after his workout. "Oh wow, I would give you a kiss but your looking all nice this morning and I wouldn't ruin that. What's the occasion? Shit! Did I forget something?"

Normally I would be out here in your pyjamas or at the very most still have my hair wrapped up in a towel.

"I'm meeting Peggy for a coffee before she starts work," I explain.

Not a lie.

She texted me to meet up last night while I was at work, before things went downhill. If she had messaged even just an hour later then I don't think I would've said yes; knowing that I wouldn't be able to handle going out after what I did, but I've got no choice now. Backing out would be suspicious. Or am I just being overly paranoid? No one suspects anything right? Not yet at least.

"Where's your breakfast? Aren't you going to eat?" He frowns as he slides onto a seat at the island bench top.

"I'll eat with Peggy."

A lie.

I feel like I'll vomit if I try to stomach anything.

Suddenly an awful thought crosses my mind.

What if he already knows? 

He probably does. He's asking so many questions. Or wait, is that just general small talk? Oh god, I'm loosing it already.

My stomach drops and as I lean on the kitchen counter top I notice my arms are shaking. I'm so on edge.

But when I look over at him and he returns me a huge, toothy grin, a piece of toast falling back onto his plate from his mouth I know that he's none the wiser. This doesn't help to relax me at all though.

He's scoffed his breakfast down within a matter of seconds and heads off to have a shower, returning dressed in his smart-casual, stylish clothes for work a while later, smelling and looking great. He has this sort of nineteen forties style about him. I learnt that straight off the bat on our first date and the way he looks in those sort of clothes with that sort of hair has driven me wild ever since.

"Alright, I better head off. We've got a meeting this morning. Is it tonight or tomorrow night you've got off?" He asks as he ties his scarf around his neck.

"Ah- tomorrow," I say lost in thought, facing away from him and looking like I'm fiddling with the stove.

"Dammit. I wanted to spend some time with you this afternoon. I'll see you later on tonight then." He huffs disappointedly and comes over to me, snaking his arms around my waist.

Will we even make it to tomorrow afternoon though?

Our jobs really do clash quite a bit. That's one rather annoying thing. But it's also something that I am well aware is neither of our guy's fault. So that isn't what had me frustrated.

"Bye." I manage to mumble weakly as he leans around and kisses the side of my head.

I follow him to the door, our hands entwined loosely, and give him a small smile before letting his hand slide out of mine as he walks down the steps to leave and shut the door. The minute I do so I rest my head against it and cringe.

Why do I feel like everything's about to change? Like I'll never feel his touch again?

I don't know how long I can keep this hidden from him, or if I even should. It's not even been twelve hours and it's tearing me apart.

Poor Bucky. I'm going to break his heart. I just know it.

                                    ~~~~

If I even had the slightest hope that coffee with Peggy would help me, I was completely wrong. On the way there I feel like everyone is just staring at me, giving you filthy, horrified looks, whispering awful names about me. All I can do is put my head down, pull my hood over my face and make a beeline for the cafe. I'm half expecting someone to yell out the word 'cheater!' along the way. But thankfully I get there undiscovered.

"Morning!" Peggy sings when she sees me come in, already waiting for me at a table near the door.

"Hey." I sigh timidly and take a seat across from her, pulling my hood down and shivering as the warm air of the cafe hits the icy skin of my nose.

"You okay?" She frowns at me, picking up almost straight away that something is off.

Oh shit.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, of course. Sorry, just a lot going on at the moment." I shake your head and lie once again.

"Tell me about it." She shrugs and leans over the table curiously.

"O-oh." I stumble, now having to come up with another excuse that isn't the truth. "You know, the usual. Works been busy, Bucky and I's schedules keep clashing..." I start to list things off in hopes that she will interrupt me.

"Yeah well at least you didn't have the night shift last night and start at 9am today again despite it." She points out, not exactly interrupting in the way I'd hoped.

"Working every single week night isn't exactly fun either. I wouldn't mind the odd time where I get to finish a little earlier... even if it means starting earlier." I can't help but snap a little defensively.

"Geez whats got you all worked up?" She shoots back.

"Shitty customers and lack of sleep... not that I should be complaining about that when you just pointed out that you've got the same issue." I sigh feeling bad straight away. "... Sorry."

"Oh no, don't tell me it's that guy." She groans, forgetting it straight away but causing my stomach to drop.

Does she know? Is she tricking me? How did she find out?

"H-Huh? What guy?" I try to play it cool.

She frowns at me. "You know, the one who you told me about the other week that had been bugging you and hanging around? He's not still doing that is he? You know I could stop him if you want?" She finishes sounding a little more aggressive as she goes.

"What? No, he came a few more times but hasn't been back recently." I lie once again. "Why don't we order?" I then suggest to change the subject.

"Sounds good." She sighs, thankfully dropping it without question and hops up, heading over to the counter.

I follow her and wait until it's my turn to order a long black. I don't think you could handle dairy right now, my gut is churning as it is.

"Aren't you going to get anything to eat?" Peggy frowns at me as she holds her cheese scone.

"I had a piece of toast at home." I lie... again.

I didn't realise how quickly one lie can start to snowball.

Is my whole life just going to be lies now?

"Oh, okay." She shrugs.

"I'll bring that over to you when it's ready." The waiter smiles at me.

"Thanks," I smile weakly back before going back to our table and sitting down.

I wrack my brain for something to talk about. Anything. Anything that isn't about last night.

"So how's the wedding planning going?" I blurt out.

What the fuck? Way to be obvious. I hate talking about their wedding, as happy as I am for them deep down. Peggy knows it too. It just makes me wish even more that I was planning my own wedding.

Of course Peggy is too excited to even think about that fact though and starts gushing on and on about all the decisions she has to make and the flower choices and making sure that outfits don't clash allowing me to just sit there and act like I care when really my mind is elsewhere right now thinking about the fact that Bucky and I are less likely then ever to get married now.

"... Emma?" She asks and looks at me, catching my attention.

"Huh?"

She huffs seeming fed up. "I was asking when you'd be able to come bridesmaid dress shopping. Seriously, what's up? It's like you're somewhere else this morning."

"I'm sorry." I sigh and look down. "I didn't sleep very well last night and I'm just real out of it this morning. And I can go whenever suits your busy schedule, so long as it's in the morning so that it doesn't clash with work I'll be all good." I add without really thinking about it that much.

She looks at me questioningly. "It's okay. We all have those days. Drink your coffee, it'll make you feel better."

"Yeah, for sure." I manage to smile at her before taking a sip.

The hot caffeine does help a little bit by the time I've finished it. In terms of waking me up that is. But in terms of nerves it's just made me even more wired up.

I say bye to Peggy and apologise for being so absent today. She seems a little annoyed but doesn't hold a grudge. That's just what she's like; doesn't take crap from anybody. And for me in particular she knows when to call me on my bullshit because we are such close friends.

The minute I am back home I run straight up to the bedroom and flop down on the bed, bursting out crying into my pillow.

What the hell have I done?

How the hell am I going to recover from this? There's no way Bucky will - nor should he - ever forgive me if he finds out. But it hasn't even been twelve hours yet and it's already eating me alive keeping it to myself.