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|He often wondered desperately if she didn't find his love worthy enough to fight for?|

by medicallymessedup

•present•

"Never be the reason for the tears in her eyes, Aryan. Treat her the way a woman deserves to be treated by her man."

The two sentences imparted by Mom gave me the final push of the courage and determination that I needed to meet Ruchi's accusatory gaze for once and all. I had to look into her broken self to condemn and curse myself for the blunder I created.

I can't breathe freely with the guilt knowing that I had failed her this time. It was all my fault.

Her eyes beseeched me to forget our togetherness along with that rainy night but I ignorantly looped my head around her dreams. She asked me to not come behind her but I obviously crashed into her.

I saw when she begged her father to hear her for once and pleaded to her loved ones to trust her but her ardent voice was mercilessly crushed down by this cruel world.

Her soul was forcefully being tainted by them and I couldn't move a limb to save her like some fuckin' coward. I stood and became the one among those sadists who wordlessly watched her getting shattered. My silence had allegedly murdered her soul.

I was the reason behind her shedding those innocent tears. I was the cause of that lump in her voice. I was the man who spoiled and disregarded her brave decisions. I was someone who exposed her dignity for the hungry vultures. I was the doom responsible for her present emotionless state.

I was her culprit.

I was my beloved's wrongdoer.

I am Aryan Mallik, who claimed to be loving his Ruchi, for all these years.

Yet the irony of the situation is that now I had become her sole betrayer.

What the hell did I even do by acting like some heartless jerk who couldn't see her tribulations beyond his selfishness?

"We are departing to the quarters for the night, Sir." Gauri Didi interrupted my train of penance and I momentarily flinched when she addressed me, "The dinner is kept in the refrigerator." She informed me.

"Did she eat, Gauri Didi?" I inquired after composing myself since Ruchi hadn't come out of the room since the morning.

"Yes, Sir." She said and a wave of relief washed over me, "Ma'am had her dinner with your mother in the room itself before leaving Gulmohar." She paused for a minute to umpire my gloomy mood, "Do you want me to arrange dinner for you, Sir?"

"No, thank you." I instructed. "You all can retire for the night."

Then deep into the night I found myself standing outside the door of the room Ruchi had chosen to stay inside as she didn't want to share the same space as me. However, I know that I deserved this aloof treatment for now because what I did wasn't worthy of her praises.

But I needed to communicate with her before it got too late. I cannot let her be upset with me anymore or leave her on her own to blame herself for what happened.

I knocked softly on the surface of the wooden material, almost fighting the urge to break inside through the door and apologize to her for messing up things but my rationality stepped up in time. I need to be patient because in our case whenever I acted impetus, it didn't turn out to be fruitful and I was the one to suffer brutally.

Though I was a fuckin' mess, she was the guerdon I wouldn't have the guts in me to loose.

I could hear the soft shuffling of feet coupled with the melodious tinkling of her anklets that immediately worked to ease down my blues. Her hearty and vibrant presence gave me the freedom to be myself since we were kids. I wonder if Ruchi knew that she changed the entire introvert personality of that socially-awkward kid who used to remain hidden under the shade of the beastly gulmohar tree.

Where did those afternoons filled with her euphonious giggles and animated chatters disappear?

I fondly reminisce when the door was answered by my innocent little wife and judging by her looks I understood that she didn't really anticipate my arrival tonight. Though, I gave her and our families the necessary hints to talk to her alone since they dropped the bomb of our unplanned marriage but all they did was turn blind to my frequent requests. Nobody was interested when I was screaming my lungs.

"You-?"

She was apparently shocked yet I couldn't help but this time gaze at her in adoration, nearly forgetting that I didn't let my eyes waver away from Ruchi's frame since the moment she walked into the registry office with her cousin by her side.

The red silk saree with intricately handwoven work hugged my wife like it was just meant for her. The jingles of her red and white glass bangles along with the chimes of her anklets blessed my deserted ears while she stood by my side and not to forget the materialistic band on both our ring fingers that each time gave me a pleasant reminder that we were finally married.

I was hers as much as she was mine.

Now no one in this spiteful world would dare to raise a finger on our love for the beautiful knot of relationship we shared.

I knew that we were destined to belong to each other.

I was elated but even in my unmatched happiness, I can't overlook the pain I unintentionally inflicted on the woman I love. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined hurting her but the anguish and indignation shining in her glassy orbs declared it to me without any fail.

How the fuck can I rejoice the victory of our love when the person I loved was utterly crestfallen?

"Ba-"

My mouth was half-way in calling her out when she tightened her knuckles around the door's knob. Ruchi was going to successfully shut down the wooden door on my face if not for my early reflex to block her attempt by pushing my foot in the middle.

"Baby, listen to me once." I began but she still appeared to be in a hurry to close the door and throw me out of her sight. My foot badly throbbed in pain as she tried to pull on the door but I was desperate to have a conversation with her. "Ruchi-" I hissed involuntarily due to the ache and her movements hindered.

She gasped in realization and took her steps back in haste. A spontaneous simper made its way on my lips due to her little act. No matter what the situation is, my Baby can never see the pain of others even when I am the cause of her distress.

"I-I.. a-a.."

Her words were coherent but her intentions were not. They're pure and truthful like the white crystals of snow. Her simplicity could undo the heart of the satan and I am nothing less. I was a greedy bastard to grasp the opportunity and enter the room while she fretted over my sore foot. During my little joy, I missed the tears that drizzled her eyes.

Hell! Her tears are both my biggest fear and weakness.

The woman in front of me could merely wish and I'd unquestionably slit open my chest to present her the open palms along with my bleeding heart. She was the only one to have that invisible power over me. But, I still couldn't learn to witness her woes because her concerns probably dig a hole in my being.

My hands immediately reached out to cup her cheeks and coo her attention on my words rather than the niggle she incognizantly imposed on me. "Baby..! Baby..!!" I repeated when she visibly slipped in some sort of haze, "I am fine. Look at me, I am fine."

"N-No, I- hurt y-you-u.." Her lips wobbled while she fought hard with her tears and something that I couldn't exactly categorize. "I hur-t you-u to-oo.."

"You didn't, Baby." I comforted her with utmost care, "Look, I'm really alright and alive." I joked to make her feel better but unfortunately she let out an uncontrolled sob. "A-Aryan, D-Do not-t say th-at, please."

"Do not shed these tears, now!!" I admonished slowly taken aback by this vulnerable side of hers even if I knew that she turned over-sensitive in the growing years. "Nothing can happen to me as long as you're by my side, Baby!!" I couldn't help but whisper and lovingly heave her fragile body into my arms.

I rested my palm in her hair while she tightly fisted on my shirt to gain control over her displaced emotions. Her anger with me wasn't over yet but I anyway took the bold decision by keeping her close to me because I was desperate to attain my peace back. My fingers rubbed against her scalp with tenderness to calm down her tremors and instinctively she leaned more into my touch.

I did die a happy man if she promised to always love me as if it's my last day.

"Baby-" I trailed off after a while. Her hiccups subsided and continued when she gently hummed, "You were upset with me, I suppose?" I probed, unable to keep my mouth shut, "Did the storm of complaints fade away by now?" Ruchi instantly stiffened in my hold and tried to move away but I didn't allow her to do so, "Whenever you get mad over me in the future then do I just need to stub my toe to make up with you?"

She looked up at me and her glare was undoubtedly furious. Oh! I'm in deep trouble now. I'm a certified nincoomp who had willingly signed up to jump in the well.

"Leave me!" She demanded and I had to oblige because facing her rage was inevitable. I cannot withstand her repugnance against me but I also truly deserved such treatment for blindly misusing the trust she embodied in me. The sooner I explain to her my quagmire and clear the misunderstandings testing us, the better she can restore her crumbling faith in me.

"Why are you here, Mr. Mallik?" She interrogated blatantly, "Your ego won and I lost. You got what you wanted then why are you still here?" She asserted with a sarcastic smile while her eyes spoke another story altogether, "You should've been revelling your achievement tonight or by any chance are you here to rub it on my face?"

I had so much to speak before but I was surprisingly at a loss of the right words. Her tone was cold as ice and straightaway pierced my chest. I hadn't experienced this familiar twinge for years but today it seemed to consume me as if it was just meant for me to endure.

"Bab-by-" My voice was expelled out of doubt but her stance had long back turned reserved and abstruse. "I'm not here to make you feel m-iserable." I channeled, "I want to make things right between us-"

"I'm sorry to admit this but my state has always been this miserable, Mr. Mallik." Ruchi pointed out bitterly and didn't spare me a chance to correct her demeaning arguments about herself, "You like the rest are allowed to pity me but there has been nothing between us to begin with.." Her voice dragged vaguely, "There's absolutely nothing that you can make right because we are as good as strangers." She averred.

"Do not say that, Ruchi." I protested weakly by using her name which I rarely do as it's her cute nickname that helps me to picture her bubbly image that I've been deprived of all this time, "You know that none of it is true." I articulated. "Your innocence does not need anyone else's or even mine assessment to vindicate your worth." I reported hopefully, "Also, you should know that we are anything but strangers."

She shook her head stoutly and then scoffed at my sincere addendum that couldn't boost my endeavors with a pat of confidence but only stamp on it wilfully. Her reaction made me feel like I didn't know my girl at all.

As if she wasn't the chronic ball of a resplendent sunshine that had one day suddenly stormed in my life but someone who had been a prodigy of a never-ending wistful twilight. It was like trying to unravel a mystery but all that I encountered were dead ends.

"There's barely anyone who I endowed with my trust but sadly you were the one Aryan-" Her eyelids momentarily blinked the resigning moisture away. The sombre sight squeezed the life out of me and rendered me ashamed, "If you think some mere days or some greedy minutes of lust changed our equations then I might conclude that you're very wrong because I cannot bring myself to trust a man who deceived me and exploited my emotions."

"I won't ever deny that I am your criminal." I denoted truthfully, "But won't I ever be forgiven?" I asked. "You're not trapped with an unwanted man now nor are you held back by the burden of hurting your dear ones, Ruchi." I reflected, "My ways might've been unjust but all I ever wanted was your happiness along with mine. I would plead for your forgiveness each day in our lives because for me you're a lot more than a mere object of attraction. You're my salvation." I claimed. "You're the cause behind every effortless smile pulling up on my face and the hardest person to whom I've ever waved a goodbye. Your presence is the base of my courage and a panacea to my greatest fears. You're a hymn to my mind and an infinite prayer recited by my hopeless heart. You're my peace, Baby.."

"Arya-"

She tried to interrupt but I wasn't going to stay mute anymore. I was simply focussed upon not letting our years-long separation go in vain. I've spent my nights wondering about another time when she'd accept me wholeheartedly. There had been uncountable cold and uncanny dreams when I couldn't prevent my breakdowns and long unbearable days where my existence mourned over the loss of my love. Our bottled up feelings gave us nothing but pain and I wanted to end it for once. Even if she knew, I still wanted her to hear my love confession for the second time.

"We are finally married, Baby." My lips couldn't help but press a chaste kiss of affection on the crown of her head while my heart burst with pure love and thankfulness to the almighty who made our union possible when our paths were misleading us. "And you know what the best part is?" I was counting the days to earn this one moment of pure bliss, "Both of us lo-"

"Do not dare to complete the word, Aryan Mallik!!" She clamored with virulence and snootily pushed me away whilst the shudders that once again took over her body. "Do not fuckin' dare to hide behind the veil of such a pure emotion that someone as stone-hearted as you is incapable of feeling." She frenzied, "I'm not a fool to fall into this trap of yours again."

I had buttoned up my rest of the monologue by now and went rooted on the spot witnessing her loathing my existence in her life. I don't have any idea about where her hatred for me had begun because I've never done anything close to hurting her. Her anger and complaints rising for yesterday are justified but this wasn't just it but something more.

"What I felt for you was a mistake." She hurled daggers at me without a break, "A mistake that makes me want to get myself killed." She instilled a cold hurricane in my heart by her barbaric words. "I experience my father's hatred for me each time I look at you. The darkness of the night makes me want to turn an insomniac to not feel it anymore. The disappointment in the eyes of my family glowers me to claw at my skin. The same greedy part of me that I let you touch growing on my desperation and manifesting myself as a gold-digging bitc-"

That was the silver bullet for my forbearance before I grabbed on her shoulders and blasted on her face in a fire of blazing vehemence because the last thing I can hear is calling herself by such derogatory names. I wouldn't shrink away if she insulted me but I can't stay impassive if anybody else violated her be it herself.

I didn't even know the reason behind her pushing me away?

What had I ever done to deserve it?

"God damnit!! Have you somehow lost it, Ruchi?" I was by now dwelling in unhampered umbrage, "You abhorring my presence is the greatest punishment itself then why are you vandalizing yourself, huh?" She tousled in my hold but I didn't let her escape this time. "I didn't force you into intimacy and you are very much aware of it then why are you making me feel like a monster? That night was the day itself when both of us named our feelings then why are you doing this? You're hurt, I know. I caused this to you but making you feel small in front of your family was never my intention." I clarified honestly. "How do you think that I would've sacrificed you to someone who isn't me after knowing the truth." I deemed, "How long do you want us to run away from our destiny?"

"You're not some God, Aryan!!" She screamed, "You know nothing about me. Do you know my scary past or have you lived my numbing present? Do you know my strength and weakness or even my likes and dislikes-?" A loud wail of helplessness fell out of her mouth and once again she crumbled like a dried leaf, "You'll hate me too if you get to know me.." She choked on her tears.

"You never gave me a chance to know about your world even when I begged you in the past.." I bristled, "But for you I'll even do it within a heartbeat -" My voice was restricted with familiar ache and hot tears burned my eyes but I controlled. I didn't want to break down when she thought that I played her for some sick reason. "Give me one chance, Baby." I begged her, "Please, accept us for once."

"I wish, I could, Aryan.." She mumbled softly as her eyes unconsciously raked over my dampened ones. They saw me as a burden and not with the usual love that makes me forget the world. "This marriage is and will always remain a compromise. Do not keep any unwanted expectations from this wedlock because it's just a temporary living arrangement for me. I am here for my father and nothing else."

A single tear dropped down my eye which she really didn't care about anymore. I guess, I should really get used to it by now after all getting my soul crushed by her was a decade old tradition. She had mastered the art of tossing away my love while I was still the thwarted rookie who never learnt his lesson.

"Leave me alone, Aryan." She showed me the exit of her personal space and broke my heart once again.

I wish I could've unloved her, but then I was just a sore loser.

My insides clenched but I withdrew my hands from her and fisted them till my nails drew out some blood that trickled down yet was unmatchable to the overbearing angst in my chest, so I did what she wanted me to do.

I left her alone, forgetful about the memory that I intentionally left from there without my heart. At least, I'll be able to come back to her with that as an excuse. Hopefully, she would let me in as well.

'Love' it was, they call it suffering but for a lover it is a pilgrimage with a bumpy road that is filled with destitution because peace could never be attained without knowing and experiencing the actual worth of separation.

Our separation is temporary, Baby.

Mrs. Ruchi Aryan Mallik, I avow, that, you're my odyssey, one that I could never mind falling for again and again.

Lots of Love,

ANKITA