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|Why to hold a bare heart for the one who's waiting for it to rip apart?|

by medicallymessedup

•present•

"Babyyy! Where is your mighty ride leaving for?" Samiksha yelled gaining the attention of the students in their campus cafeteria.

"To hell my dear Samiksha Khanna, would you like to accompany me?" Ruchi replied calmly.

"Is heaven in the way, babe?" Sammy aka Samiksha, asked again tapping her fingers on Ruchi's two lunch boxes which had everyone's favorite rajma chawal.

[Rajma chawal: It is a North Indian curried dish made with kidney beans, onions, tomatoes, spices and herbs served along with rice.]

"Gladly you won't be accepted there bimbo!" Sarah interrupted.

"Am I talking to you? Don't poke your nose when two elders have an adult talk." Samiksha counter-attacked, shutting up Sarah as they began arguing over another petty issue once again.

"Shut up both of you or better you both can continue this cat and dog fight because I'm leaving for the library." Ruchi said, picking up her bag and getting up.

"I want to come with you." Chhaya declared or whined, nobody could conclude.

"Why?" Ruchi asked.

"So that you don't kill anyone in anger and also so that you could enjoy my hundred-dollar company." Chhaya replied, grinning like a bear.

"Do I look like a serial killer to you all?" Ruchi breached her insane friends to answer her.

"You could be one at times." Samiksha simmered and chucked her shoulder at Ruchi who shook her head at her childishness.

"Why didn't I bang my head on the wall instead of trying to prove a point to you all." Ruchi muttered walking off as Chhaya ran to catch up with her meanwhile Samiksha and Sarah sat back laughing and devouring the lunch of their buddy.

Nobody would believe but just predict that this little group of six and kick could create and bring an end to the world war in seconds.

Chhaya followed an annoyed Ruchi to the huge campus library and they settled on the table away from the librarian's eye, "Why are you angry?" Chhaya asked, sensing the troubled girl, her friend was now.

"Are you asking me that? Didn't you see it enough?" She faltered, feeling quite low about the happenings earlier.

"Aisa konsa dangal dekh liya tune?" She questioned crunching out on a chocochip which had the audacity to ruin the peace of the heinous library.

[What kind of drama have you seen?]

"Yeh library hai, Chhaya ki bacchi..." Ruchi snatched away the wrapper and dumped it in her bag belittling her to the end, "Yaha kuch charna allowed nahi hai."

[This is a library, you mad girl..And eating is not allowed here.]

"Ise library nahi Bhootiya kamra kehte hai." Chhaya huffed irked as her food was snatched away, "Aur waise bhi jo log aate hai wo bas apni libido ka trial karane aate hai."

[It is not called a library, it is called a haunted room. And anyone who comes here, they just come to test their libido.]

"Chhaya!!" Ruchi screeched, "If you speak another thing like that then trust me I'm going to pull all the books down from the history section and then I along Ms. Madhuri is going to watch you work quite efficiently." She paused, "And that's really not good for your prestige."

"Kya matlab?" Chhaya shrieked, "Ek to mera khana chakh liya upar se dhamki de rahi hai." Chhaya visibly scowled but then sat back down her chair calmly, "Wese tu bhi aisa kaam karegi maine kabhi nahi socha tha..tsk..tsk.."

[What do you mean? First of all, you snatched away my food from me and now you dare threatening me!! Well I never thought that you too will do such a thing...tsk..tsk..tsk.."]

"Kyun..main jaadu hu kya? Jo sirf dhoop-dhoop karungi?" Ruchi couldn't help but be sarcastic.

[Why..do I look like an alien who would only speak out for sunlight?"]

[Jaadu: A movie character in a bollywood movie which is actually an alien from outer world]

"Jaduu to hai..tere pe chada hua." Ruchi narrowed her eyes at her statement in confusion, "Are woh hai na ek aila jaadu wala, Aryan Mallik." She fanned squealing with open arms, "Jo safed ghode par ayega aur humari Baby ko uda ke apne sath le jaayega..."

[Ofcourse, it's magic that's on your head. Oh! There's one wizard named Aryan Mallik who will come riding on a white horse and take our Baby away with him...]

"Tum logo ko kaise pata lag jaata hai yaar..Is baare mein to Sammy ne kabhi mujhe itna pareshan nahi kiya."

[How do you guys even get to know..Even Sammy hasn't bothered me much about this matter.]

"Hai na.. Wo choti bachi thodi hai."

[Exactly.. She isn't a little girl.]

"Why don't you pull yourself out from my thick skull that swoons all over you Mr. Mallik!" Ruchi mentally scolded her conscience thinking about the encounter she had witnessed earlier this morning.

"Ohh! I wondered that's the reason because Sarah and Sammy thought you're annoyed with Sammy's morning tantrums." Chhaya pondered, "But girly girl, why don't you get over him?" She prompted. "You know he's the campus's casanova with an unbuttoned shirt and barely hanging Calvin Klein. Aur uske kisse to puri delhi mein mashoor hain. Tu bhul jaa na.. bas ek crush hi to hai.. Time ke sath woh bhi chala jayega.."

[And his stories are famous all over Delhi. Why don't you forget.. it's just a crush.. that will fade over time..]

"As if I have not tried to get over that crush!" Ruchi scoffed.

"Gosh! You sound so dedicated to the loverboy." Chhaya crooned, "Anyway but you should know that guy is an unfortunate one because he won't get the one's in a million girl like my bestie."

"I hate that piece of bitter bottle gourd!" Ruchi exclaimed referring to his infamous personality, "And there's one or every other girl on his arm each day and why can't I stop myself for having a stupid, lame crush on him. And that Geetika she is always the permanent eye candy to him." She told grimly. "And he sticks to her even though she literally treats us and everybody else like her servants."

"Wo to hai hi bakc-"

[He's so much dumbfuc-]

"Don't complete that Chhaya!" Ruchi warned and Chhaya zipped up her mouth instantly.

But after thinking for a while Chhaya proposed a conclusion which she voiced out immediately, "I think, it's not just a mere crush then..."

"What then?" Ruchi propped thoughtfully, "Infatuation hai kya?"

[Is it infatuation?]

"Haa..wahi hoga.. baki love!" Chhaya laughed out slowly and afraid, aware of how sensitive her friend was, "Luv-shuv to nahi hoga."

[Yeah..it must be that only.. else love! Love..etc., isn't possible.]

"No, I don't love him."

Ruchi straightaway refused, crinkling her eyes at her friend who thought about the possibility of love with the guy who never ever acknowledged her presence let alone she would have such a pure and strong feeling for him.

All they shared was a few fellow subjects and lectures as they're in the same management programme.

"And if it's love then you're lying about it to yourself for a long time. Soch aur try kar ke dekh. Tell him about your feelings." Chhaya advised leaning back on the chair watching the latter to go haywire.

[Think and try.]

"Are you got to be kidding me, Chhaya? It's Aryan, THE ARYAN MALLIK!! He's not somebody who would acknowledge me, he's super rude because he's good-looking and unbelievably rich, he's a jock and the boy who's popular for his policy of no commitments throughout the campus and if I try.." Her eyes widened in horror, "No..No..Nooo, I cannot try and if I would try to get in his way Geetika and her gang would literally make our life hell here." She said, "I would never say anything to him because.."

"Because what Baby?"

Ruchi shut her eyes and sat back inaudibly mumbling nothing as the reality hit her harshly.

"Your confused crush slash infatuation slash might-be love story I tell is going to make me go crazy." Chhaya rolled her eyes at her friend's visible fears who nervously fidgeted with her fingers lost into another world which was common. Ruchi was always like this all of them knew, she wouldn't speak her mind out.

"Chahe Tum Kuch Na Kaho, Maine Sun Liya...wali tragedy hai teri."

[Even if you didn't say anything, I've heard it...that's your tragedy for now.]

"Whatever! But-" Ruchi stopped speaking when the librarian Ms. Madhuri's voice interrupted them when she called out for her.

"Yes Ma'am!" Ruchi asked reaching out for the librarian who was busy glaring at Chhaya as she was banging her feet against the wooden table.

"Please get me these books before leaving and ask that ill-mannered girl to stop making noises. It's called a library for a reason."

"Sure Ma'am!" She replied politely mentally scolding Chhaya who gave her a big smile as the librarian walked out through the main door.

"Yeh per patakna toh band kar!!" Ruchi hit her knee to stop her actions while Chhaya grimaced, "She gave you another work in a single day. I tell you she is doing it on purpose. She wants to bag all the money the authorities provide with herself when she should assign a proper make-shift who could do her chores."

[Stop tossing your leg.]

"Firstly she's our teacher. Secondly, you know I love reading books thus I follow her. That's why I'm allowed to get here any time and any book issued countless times." She explained.

"There's nothing that comes for free in this selfish world."

"Love does!" Ruchi claimed against the fact stated by Chhaya, "There's no price tag for and on love." Her eyes shaking away memories etched on the crooked lines of her existence.

"Tu aur teri philosophy!"

[You and your philosophy!]

"Leave it, would you like to lend me a hand?" She posed, going through the list she had to search for the books.

"Nahh! I will come later." She said, yawning.

Ruchi sighed, walking away to look for the books. There weren't many students who visited the library because this was considered as the most boring place in the whole campus to hangout, only nerds or moreover three to five students who were regular usually accommodated the Bhootiya kamra referred by Chhaya and Samiksha.

[Bhootiya kamra - Haunted room]

She walked towards the shelves shuffling around for the books and looking around for the one's the librarian listed. After a search for the next fifteen minutes, a last book was left that probably was at the dead end of the shelves at the corner.

She was busy picking up the book when her eyes fell on a theatrical copy of Kabuliwallah by Rabindranath Tagore. A smile crept on her lips as she turned the pages, reading the paragraphs from the first chapter that bookmarked a special place in her naive heart.

The window of my room overlooks the road. The child had seated herself at my feet near my table, and was playing softly, drumming on her knees. I was hard at work on my seventeenth chapter, where Pratap Singh, the hero, had just caught Kanchanlata, the heroine, in his arms, and was about to escape with her by the third-story window of the castle, when all of a sudden Mini left her play, and ran to the window, crying: "A Kabuliwallah! a Kabuliwallah!" Sure enough in the street below was a Kabuliwallah, passing slowly along.

He wore the loose, soiled clothing of his people, with a tall turban; there was a bag on his back, and he carried boxes of grapes in his hand.

I cannot tell what were my daughter's feelings at the sight of this man, but she began to call him loudly. "Ah!" I thought, "he will come in, and my seventeenth chapter will never be finished!" At which exact moment the Kabuliwallah turned, and looked up at the child. When she saw this, overcome by terror, she fled to her mother's protection and disappeared. She had a blind belief that inside the bag, which the big man carried, there were perhaps two or three other children like herself.

The pedlar meanwhile entered my doorway and greeted me with a smiling face.

So precarious was the position of my hero and my heroine, that my first impulse was to stop and buy something, since the man had been called. I made some small purchases, and a conversation began about Abdurrahman, the Russians, the English, and the Frontier Policy.

As he was about to leave, he asked: "And where is the little girl, sir?"

And I, thinking that Mini must get rid of her false fear, had her brought out.

She stood by my chair, and looked at the Kabuliwallah and his bag. He offered her nuts and raisins, but she would not be tempted, and only clung the closer to me, with all her doubts increased.

This was their first meeting.

It was one of her favorite stories in the literature checklist which couldn't bore her even if she read it over and over a hundred times. This time too she would take it home and return back in two days because this is something which would never bore her out. The pure love between a father figure like Kabuliwallah and his little daughter like image, Mini were too real to get old in the books.

Ruchi was too occupied in the book when some weird voices fell in her ears from the attached old-book storeroom. She got startled for a moment, doubting whether to check who it was or not?

She never saw anyone walking inside the dusty place. Contemplating for a second she decided to have a look.

She peeked from the small space between two books and soon her breath hitched as she stood still witnessing it. Her feet went numb as tears began formulating behind her eyelids And her hold on the books went loose if it was not for Chhaya who loudly called out for her.

"What is taking you so long, Baby?" Chhaya groaned at Ruchi, who didn't hear her and looked at the two with her teary gaze who were caught up building their own world in the decent campus library.

"Hey!" Chhaya pulled on her arm as all the books scattered down on the floor from Ruchi's hands and a sudden thud echoed in the silent library grabbing the few eyes around.

Chhaya looked at her and the direction where she was lost while she herself was disgusted at the sight. How much she wanted to really kill the two individuals whose disgusting act had inauspiciously caught her innocent friend's eye.

The two pairs glanced at her taking a breath from sparing attention from each other, among which his was blank yet astounded while her own one had silent rage and unsaid pain.

Ruchi bending down gathered the books hurriedly and walked out towards the librarian's desk wiping off a tear trailing down her cheek. Chhaya followed her buddy stomping her foot in anger on the floor.

"It's better that we leave from here else the teacher's pet is going to fill in about it."

Ruchi could make out her bully's voice from behind and then sloppy screeching voices resumed carelessly, her tears continued falling down her cheeks and so did something that cracked inside her.

"Ma'am, the books." Ruchi said slowly while placing the books, "I will take my leave now. Good Evening!" She said not looking up at the teacher and ran out of the room without waiting for Chhaya or the librarian's reply.

"Ma'am, Ruchi?" Chhaya inquired, unable to spot her.

"She left." The librarian replied solemnly, "Do you guys had a fight? She was sounding low."

"I'll tell you that later Ma'am." Chhaya grumbled rummaging out of the library and climbing down the stairs in hurry while calling Samiksha urgently.

"Sammy reach the parking lot now!"

"What happened?"

"And where's the other one? She was with you!!" Bhavesh asked.

"Will you both get there first?" Chhaya yelled in frustration.

All of them rushed towards the parking but it was too late as Ruchi drove her scooty out of the campus gates before they could reach and call out for her.

"Dammit!" Chhaya kicked in the air looking at her retreating form.

"Why did she leave suddenly?"

"She wanted to sit in the library as always, so what went wrong?"

"That heck of a bastard, Mallik!!" She began, "It's all because of him. Ruchi was crying and now I'll not leave him."

"What did he do?"

"What was he doing in the library in the first place?"

"Did he say anything to her?"

"He was bloody sticking to that bitch God has sent behind Ruchi!!"

"That shitload of walking STD must be sticking his tongue down her throat!!" Sammy fisted angrily, "God bloody damn!! That piece of-"

"Nothing's gonna change with your words Sammy. You know how Ruchi has always been, she will kill herself but won't reveal open her wounds to get them aided." Vivek, Sammy's twin discerned.

All of the colors on their faces faded knowing what it would have been for her. Her life was a chaos and her emotions would be an utter mess by now.

The tears that streamed down the way, terribly blurred my version as I drove mindlessly on the road. I didn't even know why I ran away like a coward from there. Why did it affect me?

I do not even love him.

Then why seeing him with someone else hurts making everything harder for me.

There's nothing between us, had never been, never will and here I already feel as if heartbroken.

I can never get to understand how my own heart worked.

'It was true, very true, when I was called a crybaby.' The fading voice in my mind echoed.

I parked the vehicle and waited after ringing the doorbell of the house and soon Kartik Bhai answered the door wide for me.

"Hey kiddo, you're early!" He said ruffling my hair but I didn't reply and ran to my room instead as I don't want to talk to anyone or more probably I wanted to conceal my little breakdown from them. Because I don't want to be seen like this, at least not when I'm a whole crying mess.

"Baby!" He called out but I didn't listen.

I rushed to the bathroom and splashed the cold running water on my warm face and somehow tried to look better. I straightened my dress and my mess because I do not want to worry anyone. Getting out of my room's door where Bhai stood for me worried now looked at me suspiciously.

"Are you fine Baby?"

"Yeah Bhai! All good."

"Were you crying?"

"Why will I? I just had a small fight with Sammy so I was a little off. But I'm fine now, you know the water really helps."

"Philosophical you!" He laughed as the doubt on his face slightly dismissed. "And that friend of yours is seriously a brawl product. Do not mind her stupidity just like I do." He commented about my Sammy as both my brother and her had been at loggerheads since the first time.

I too joined him slowly as he went on about his day and we both walked down to the dining.

"Good Evening BadiMa, BadePapa, Papa!" I greeted slowly.

"Good Evening Baby!" BadiMa and BadePapa replied while Papa's response was always just restricted to a nod.

I sat with everyone and very soon they're engrossed in the daily debates about news and politics which really helped me to divert my mind from a certain someone.

"Sushma sent me a few pictures yesterday, Baby!" BadiMa said. My hold on the spoon turned stiff and I looked up to meet the displeased gazes of BadePapa and Bhai who clearly showed an early resentment.

"Mamta we're not talking about this now." BadePapa declared.

"She's twenty-one and Kartik you're twenty-six and I'm not asking Baby to marry today itself." BadiMa prompted, "Do you remember what the priest said, we need to marry both of them soon or else they won't get good spouses."

BadiMa had always been the religious one but since aunt had proclaimed about our horoscopes from some priest she had been too worried and resolute about her wish to watch Bhai and me get married soon.

"Mummy! Not again! We both want to concentrate on our careers." Bhai argued.

"Yeah so that your oath of celibacy continues? I will not let that happen. I'm not stopping you from pursuing your careers but marriage is an unavoidable deal in society. Once you both get good spouses, we both as your parents can take relief." She explained, "And listen I will not eat anything until you both agree to my condition."

"BadiMa! Please! Don't take out your anger on food, please." I requested. "Khana khaa lo."

[Please have your food.]

"It's not your fault Baby it's just all of them think that it is me who's the enemy of my kids, then let it be." She said, "And you finish the food on your plate and drink a glass of milk before going to bed." She entreated before walking out to her room.

"Leave her Baby! You have your food." BadePapa said.

I hesitantly nodded looking in the direction where she went as I almost lost my appetite. I observed Papa who didn't say anything but I could feel his silence which had always been like a lurking storm.

As everyone else departed to their rooms, I sat on my bed looking at the photo frames on the wall. It was my mother with a two-year old me and some with Papa and all of us together and some just me. There weren't many as I grew out of keeping pictures of awful memories with time.

Mumma left us when I didn't even understand what the word 'divorce' meant for another man. She did not love my father anymore and was unhappy due to me or what I heard people around me say. I remember her face but our relation was just in mere flashbacks. Papa never showed me his problems or his worries and complaints for his wife. Neither did his love for his wife got affected even after she walked out on his life leaving her daughter and husband alone.

Doesn't she know how will a child's life will be without her mother or what hardships I will have to walk through alone. I needed her in my life the most but she was never there. I still never dared to hate her even if she married another man as she claimed to love him. Maybe she has found her happiness with her new family.

I was in her contact for some two years after her separation with Papa, until she left the city but then she had her own family to take care of which she didn't want to lose unlike ours. Her daughter and my half-sister Vanya, who was two years younger to me needed my mother's love more than the one who never got an opportunity to cherish the warmth of my mother's lap.

I had restrictions to be with her, around her and obligations to follow every time if I wanted to be in her vicinity which I gladly obeyed in the greed to be rewarded with a touch of motherhood that always failed to reach me.

She never permitted me to call her after seven in the night for unknown reasons.

At nights, I used to curl down under my bed and cry alone as I did not want to disturb Papa who immersed himself in the odreals of his work and was drowning in alcohol to get over her. He had his own grief to deal with leaving me alone to face the real world which held no kindness for loners and losers. While my mother remained out of the picture.

I might have actually lost count for how many nights I couldn't sleep yearning for their love.

"Ruchi, your sister has got admission in one of the best schools and it's better than the one you attend."

"I won't be able to meet you this month during the weekend as we are going out of town for a vacation in Chennai."

"Stop whining over my head everytime, Ruchi. You should handle your problems on your own and don't disturb me late at night as Vanya gets disturbed. I have a daughter to look after rather than hearing your rants."

"Ask your father who wanted you and bother him. I'm so fed up with you that sometimes I wish Vanya would have been my only daughter. She knows and learns better than you. She's so smart and obedient unlike your ungrateful nature."

And what not were the excuses and taunts my mother made to avoid her first born and abandon after her separation with Papa.

BadiMa and BadePapa looked after me and Papa when he met with a drastic accident as he was too drunk and depressed during the post-divorce period. She didn't even think once about him even when Papa had always loved her more than anything. He prioritised her over anyone else and didn't ever remarry after so much convincing from the family relatives who wanted him to restart his life with someone else.

Kartik Bhai was the only child of BadiMa and BadePapa but I was their daughter the moment they saw the little me bundled up in blankets. I wished I could relive that memory when I was wanted and maybe my mother did too embrace me then.

As per their promise and words, BadiMa and BadePapa took care of me when I used to fall ill. It was my BadiMa who slept by my side patting me away from the monsters that clouded my mind. They both supported, loved and cared for me alongside all these years just like their own child. They did everything my own parents was supposed to do.

Grandpa and Grandma considered my mother a bad omen that happened to our lives and still thinks my parents abandoned my childhood in between Papa and Mumma's destructive decisions.

I was immensely loved by my grandparents, BadePapa and BadiMa, Kartik Bhai and my friends, yet I craved for the attention of my parents.

I knew, I was selfish.

It was this little Ruchi in me who was acquisitive for what I needed as a child but never received.

I rebelled, cried and even begged yet I was denied each time.

•flashback•

"Mumma! I won the first prize in an inter debate competition."

"Ruchi, look my Vanya has done pretty well this time in exams. You should congratulate her without any profound jealousy you might feel with her success."

"You should be like Vanya, Ruchi or else who will marry you? Men these days are very peculiar with their interest in women."

"I would've picked you up from that house if that man's blood did not run in your body!! You will surely become a spoiled manipulative brat like them."

"That family will spoil your life too like they did with mine."

•flashback ends•

I closed my ears as another nightmare filled up my eyes and drained my mind waking me up at midnight. I drank a glass of water as I relived my mother's rebuffed acts for me.

Why did she even give birth to me?

To die slowly with the pain of being a burden. The ugly realisation that will consume me bit by bit.

I got up from the bed and made a hot steaming coffee for myself after taking a bath at four in the morning when it was still dark outside.

I sat back on my study table as the envelope that had the photos of guys caught my eye. I averted my gaze from them not knowing what they meant to BadiMa's superstition or my family welfare.

But, it wasn't my choice either.

Sadly but truly, it was my life.

Ruchi Batra's unwanted life.

Lots of Love,

ANKITA