Seasons in Love #01

Memories of September Fall

In life, nothing is certain. Even the people you spend time with. There is no assurance that they will always be at your side.

Ganyan talaga. May aalis, meron ding darating. May mawawala at merong papalit.

Iisang bagay lang naman dito sa mundo ang alam kong mananatili sa'yo at hinding-hindi magbabago. Something we all have. Something precious that even money and riches cannot buy nor replace. Something that once lost, a part of you is missing. Those precious things are our memories. Ang mga alaala kasama ang mga taong mahalaga sa buhay natin.

People change but memories would never.

I can still remember that day. Parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat dahil nanariwa pa rin ang mga iyon sa aking alaala.

It was September and the season of fall in Japan. That time, I fell. I fell for an amazing guy I met when I visited my Kuya Wynd in Kyoto. Doon kasi nakabase ang game developing company na pinagtatrabahuhan niya. He's a software and game designer. There, I met Reichen. He's half Filipino and my cousin's best buddy. Hindi ko siya tinatawag na kuya.

Ang awkward kasi, eh. Ikaw ba, tatawagin mong kuya ang crush mo?

Uh-uh. I liked him since I first saw him. Who wouldn't? He's a little aloof and timid when he's working but so sweet and funny when it comes to me and kuya. At oo, naging close kami pero sa kabila noon, malungkot ako. Naaalala ko kasi si Mama.

It was afternoon when he saw me at the park. Nag-iemote kasi ako habang malungkot na nakatingin sa mga batang masayang naglalaro kasama ang mga magulang nila.

"Please stop crying. Oh, here."

Tinanggap ko ang iniabot niyang ice cream. He ruffled my hair and sat on the swing beside me.

"Are you thinking about your Mom? I can stay here and listen if you like."

I think kuya Wynd already told him about my struggles. I shrugged.

"Huwag na. Sanay na naman akong mag-isa."

Lagi nalang kasi akong ganito. Nag-iisa at kung hindi naman, naiiwan. I was always alone and lonely as if people dont want me.

"Don't worry. From now on, you'll never walk alone."

I looked up at him.

"I'll always be there for you. Hindi ka na mag-iisa tuwing birthday mo. I promise to sing every song for you and be the first to greet you a happy birthday. With a smile."

I smiled sadly to myself. I am a cynic that's why for me, promises never really last. Sometimes, it was made to make people want and believe in something that'll never gonna happen.

Just like what my mom did. She promised that she'll never leave me but she left on my birthday and never came back. Every year, I was hoping she would remember and go home to greet me a happy birthday but I got nothing.

I stopped wishing for it when I became 13. It left me with insecurities and it was forever etched in my young mind. Hindi ba ako mahalaga sa mama ko bilang anak?

I silently ate my ice cream. Sinulyapan naman ako ni Reichen.

"Uy, ano na?"

Nanatili akong tahimik. Umiling lang ako nang silipin niya ang mukha ko.

"You don't believe me? Bakit naman?"

"Kasi kadalasan, hindi nagtatagal ang mga magagandang bagay especially promises."

He just smiled and wiped the smudge of ice cream off the side of my lips.

"Para sa akin, oo. Lalo na kapag ang mga pangakong iyon ay ginawa ko para sa'yo."

But everything we had was cut short. Masaya akong nagising nang sumunod na araw para lamang makatanggap ng balitang dumurog sa puso ko at bumura sa malapad na ngiti ko.

It's Reichen...he left. His family needs him. Who am I to stop him, right?

Napaiyak ako. Naulit na naman. May nangako na namang taong mahalaga sa'kin at umalis ng walang paalam. Alam kong wala akong karapatang masaktan pero iyon ang naramdaman ko ng mga oras na iyon.

Sino ba naman ako 'di ba? Ni hindi nga niya ako pinigilan noong tumawag ako bago umalis pabalik ng Pilipinas.

I shouldn't have been too naïve and foolish. If I had been cautious, I won't feel so devastated and depressed right now. Good things dont always last. Just like what happened to us. I mean-to his promises.

Today is my birthday but he never came. He didn't fulfill his promise. Siguro masyado lang akong naniwala at umasa sa mga sinabi niya.

Naghintay pa naman ako mula kagabi. Tiniis ko ang antok hanggang 12:00 PM pero pinapak na ako at ginawang midnight snack ng mga bitter na lamok, walang Reichen na dumating kahit sa panaginip ko man lang sana. Dalawang tasa na ng creamy coffee ang nilaklak ko at pakiramdam ko nasa gitna ako ng lamay.

Lamay naman talaga. Kamamatay lang ng puso ko kagabi at siguro ililibing ko na bukas matapos ipa-cremate.

Bakit naman kasi ako nag-assume 'di ba? Wala namang something sa amin para tuparin niya ang pangako niya. Baka ginawa niya lang iyon dahil nakakaawa ako.

Effective din ang mga sinabi niya dahil kahit paano natuto akong mag-isip ng positive insights. Isa pa, pinsan ako ng best friend niya.

Siguro nga, iyon lang 'yon. Walang labis, maraming kulang.

Napasulyap ako sa isang bahagi ng kuwarto ko. Oo, isang buwan na akong nakauwi ng Pilipinas. I went home after the day he left. Hindi ko kayang tumagal sa lugar kung saan, naaalala ko siya kahit saan ko man ibaling ang aking tingin. Kinarga ko ang stuff toy at niyakap ito.

"Reichee Bear." I sniffed and cuddled it tighter. Ibinigay niya sa akin iyon noong araw na huli kaming nagkasama. Dinala niya ako noon sa amusement park para malibang sa mga rides.

Nanalo rin siya sa shooting arena kaya 'yung malaking stuff toy na puti ang prize. Nagulat pa ako dahil para daw talaga sa'kin iyon.

Tiningnan ko nang masama ang teddy bear at sinakal habang dinuro-duro.

"Hoy, ikaw! Reichen Lex Ravensbourne, walanghiya ka! Paasa! Pafall! May pa-'I will always be there for you' ka pang nalalaman!"

Sinuntok ko ang mukha ng laruan habang iniimagine na siya ang binubugbog ko. Nakakasama siya ng loob.

"What happened to your promise? You said you never believed in the saying that promises dont last. Because for you, they do especially if those promises were the ones you made for me. But where are you now? Why did you forget your promise? You said you'll never let go of my hand but you did, anyway." Pingot sa tenga. "Sabihin mo nga?! Sumagot ka!" Pinagsusuntok ko sa tiyan at pinagkakagat ang kawawang stuff toy.

"You said you'll come to my birthday. Sinabi mo pa nga noon na sabay nating isecelebrate iyon. Nangako ka ring sasamahan ako habang nagkacountdown ako ng mga minuto until midnight at ikaw ang unang babati sa'kin. Nasaan ka na ngayon?"

Umiiyak akong napasubsob sa unan hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayang nakatulog na pala ako habang yakap ang niregalo niya.

Naalimpungatan ako nang may marinig akong tila tumutugtog na gitara.

♪♪♪ Lift your head

Baby don't be scared

Hmmmm hmmm...♪♪♪

Sinipa ko ang tila malaking unan sa gilid ng kama ko. Ang tigas yata ng natamaan ko?

♪♪ Lift your head--aw, shit!

Nangunot ang noo ko. Sira ba ang mp3 player ko? Bakit paulit-ulit ang lyrics at may kasama pang mura? Pirated?

Napabangon ako bigla nang maramdaman ang isang kamay na banayad na humahaplos sa buhok ko. Sa gulat ko ay naiusal ko ang pangalan ng taong iniisip ko na kasalukuyang nakaupo sa tabi ko.

"Reichen..."

"Hello, sweetheart. Did you miss me?" I did not answer. Nananaginip ba ako? He laughed.

"I missed you, Vee."

Hinila niya ako paharap sa kanya at hinarap ang mukha ko. Nagulat siya nang makita akong mangiyak-ngiyak.

"I'm sorry."

"Ang sama mo! Late ka na sa birthday ko. Akala ko ba before 12:00 midnight ka darating para batiin ako?!"

"I did. It's 30 seconds before 12:00 o'clock."

"Hindi naman midnight ngayon."

"Yeah. At least not in the Philippines."

"Eh, alangan namang mangibang-bansa pa tayo para magcelebrate."

"Why not?" I gaped at him in shock.

"Just kidding... You're cute." He pinched my cheek and smiled. Biglang nalusaw lahat ng tampo at inis ko sa isang ngiti niya palang.

"It's still your birthday today, right? Then I will be the last to greet you a happy birthday this midnight."

I smiled and nodded. Well, I guess it's true that one should save the best for last. He beamed at me and held my hand.

"Let's go!"

Hangang ngayon, hindi parin ako makapaniwalang kasama ko ang lalaking ito.

Nilingon ko ang masayang mukha niya habang magkatabi kaming nanonood ng midnight fireworks display.

"Reichen..."

"Hmmm...?"

"Bakit mo 'to ginagawa?"

"Huh?"

"Ang sabi ko, bakit? Why are you doing these?"

"Doing what?"

"These. All of these. Mula sa Okinawa hanggang sa pangako mo at pagsurprise sa birthday ko."

"Simple lang. Espesyal ka sa'kin."

Natutop ko ang dibdib ko sa pagkabigla. Mahabaging dyosa ng pag-ibig!

"B-bakit nga?"

Inubos niya ang kinakain niyang ice cream at diretso akong tiningnan sa mata.

"I love you. Masama!?"

Napatda ako. Iniwas naman niya bigla ang mukha niya at tinakpan ang namumulang tenga. Bigla rin siyang tumayo at tinalikuran ako.

"T-teka lang... N-nagkoconfess ka ba o... nagagalit? At... a-anong ibig mong sabihing m-mahal mo ako kung ikaw mismo ang unang lumayo?"

He looked back at me and smiled.

"When you left, I was confused, mad and frightened at the same time. Confused because I never felt this way before, doubting my own feelings and regretting my decision on letting you walk away. Mad at myself because I knew I was the reason for the sadness in your eyes when you bid me goodbye. I was scared. I was so scared that I might lose you. I also realized how stupid I am for not admitting to myself that I love you. I was afraid to love thinking I might just end up getting hurt but I realized that my greatest fear is the thought of another guy making you happy and seeing you smile."

"Thank you for loving me that much, Rei. You don't have to ask me. You already have my heart a long time ago. Just promise that you'll take care of my heart."

His face lit up after hearing those. Well, ako rin naman. I was so happy that my heart would burst and explode anytime.

"I don't have any plans of letting you go again. I love you and I can't bear to lose you. Never again."

Siguro nga, duwag lang talaga ako noon dahil natatakot akong magmahal. Nakakatakot lalo na ang masaktan.

Now, as I look at the guy in front of me, I'm willing to take a risk because I know that I can trust him with my heart. I am willing to give him my heart even though I knew that in loving him, there is no assurance that I'll never get hurt in the end.

Loving him means preparing for the pain.

Now, as he also looked into my eyes, I know everything would be worth it.

Loving him was something I'll never regret even if I'll be in pain. For I was made to love him and be with him over and over again. He was my beautiful memory of September. It was fall when I fell and I knew from now on, I'll never walk alone.

~♥~