Less Series 5

Hopeless

Love. One word, four letters. Short and simple but has a deep meaning. It's a mere word but with great responsibility.

'Pag nagmahal ka, hindi kailangan ng rason dahil masaya ka at gusto mong makasama ang isang tao.'

Love must be unconditional, undying and unbreakable. But love is not only all about happiness. It can destroy someone's mind, someone else's heart and somebody's life. And if I have to love, I don't want it that way. I don't want my love to be in vain.

But all I have was a cruel love. Hopeless.

I was a bubbly teenager then, with lots of plans and big dreams. But everything turned into ashes when I was diagnosed with cancer right after I graduated from college. Since then, I never smiled. Why me? Of all people, why does it have to be me? I hated the world. I even asked God and blamed Him.

I was a hopeless case. For two years, medications and chemotherapies became too painful and unbearable for me. I started to feel hopeless. I forgot how to smile. I can't even remember how laughter sounds like. My world was nothing but dull and lifeless. A reflection of my whole being. Gray, mournful and pitiful.

Hope turned to ashes.

My smiles fade.

Death is a step away.

I lost everything.

Even my faith.

I became hopeless.

Until I met him.

Lux Jior Del Valle. Or simply Jio without an R.

He was literally the sun. He always has that bright smile that can brighten up anybody's world. He lit up MY world and made me believe again in the word 'hope'. He came to the hospital one day to visit his sick sister that has the same condition as mine. We met at the hospital's playground. At first, I shied away from him. I am a very bitter person but one smile from him and I can't help but wonder how a person like him still manage to smile despite all odds. We talked and laughed and both felt the spark. Until our hearts united in a rhythm that only we knew. Maybe this is what it feels like to be in love.

"Will you remember me always when I'm gone?"

He just smiled; his smile that is a facade of what he really felt inside. A deceitful mask he always wears. He is a selfless person. He never smiled and laughed for himself. And whenever he did, he's doing it for the people around him. He was always that ray of sunshine that brightens up everyone's lonely world. He always wanted to see other people smiling and happy. He wants to give them the entire smile, which he could never give to himself. He always wished for others' happiness and for them to have a happy life because he had no room for it in his own life.

Why? Because he is blaming himself for what happened to his sister. He thinks that his happiness doesn't matter and he doesn't deserve to be happy when his sister is suffering. He always treasured everyone and kept them happy that he forgot to realize his own value and never thought about his own happiness. He became the sunshine in many people's lives. He is everyone's light of hope. He is always being happy and smiling for those who he thinks deserved it.

Nobody saw his real feelings behind his every laughter. Nobody knows his own pain behind those smiles. Perhaps, no one can tell that beneath his cheerful aura, he's hurting inside. No one noticed how he seek to give only others' happiness that he never looked upon his own. No one did...except me.

But what difference could I make if I am one of those reasons behind his pain?

How can I make him happy? Dahil sa kalagayan ko ngayon, I would be his great sorrow. If not now, in the near future. I'm sure of that. And the thought that I'll be one of the greatest reasons why his smiles will soon fade and his hope will vanish, it breaks my heart.

♪♪♪"'Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies if I lose you baby...

Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same...

If you walk away, everyday it'll rain...." ♪♪♪

Jio held my hands and placed my favorite bouquet of green roses on my lap. We just had my morning routine of having a tour at the hospital's garden. I sat on my wheelchair and watch as the sun starts to rise. I looked at Jio and smiled.

"Do you know why green rose is one of the rarest flowers? It is a symbol of everlasting and undying love found in heaven."

He just smiled and kissed the back of my palm. I lovingly stroked the flower's petals and looked at the ring on my finger.

"My love for you would be like these green roses. Everlasting, undying. Don't forget that and continue smiling even if I'm already gone."

"Stop saying that Yclair, my princess. You won't leave me."

"Maybe not now but we can't tell. I know I will, in the near future."

"It doesn't matter. I'll gonna love you until I give my last breath. I'll never forget you. No one and nothing can stop me from loving you. Not even death."

He kissed my forehead and gripped my hands tighter as if he would lose me any minute. "But baby, I don't know how to live without you. If I can stop death, I will. I don't wanna lose you. How can I keep living if it's you why I'm breathing?"

I caressed his face and kissed the tip of his nose. "I know it's hard and painful but you must. Keep going, live your life for me and..." I looked into his eyes. "Always remember me with a smile on your face. Treasure our memories. If you miss me, just close your eyes and you will always find me in your heart..."

With that, I gave him my best smile which he returned and whispered, "I love you..."

♥♥♥

Love is a simple four-letter word without a precise meaning. It was never explicit, just full of uncertainty. Only those who experienced that kind of feeling can perfectly define it. In my case, love is learning to hold on to something no matter how hard it is and continue facing each new day with a bright smile and laughter full of hope for someone who is always there to brighten up your world.

Yclaire is my light of hope. My happiness, my one true love. Despite all odds, I won't give up. We may not be able to be with each other for a long time or forever but I will make each day in her life memorable.

I will always be her sunshine. I will never let her go. Not yet. I still have many plans on how to make her happy. I wanted to see her laughing and smiling every day. Especially if I'm the reason behind those because her happiness is my happiness. I will continue to hold on because for her, everything is worth fighting for.

Our love is worth every fight. She is worth fighting for. She's my light. And my love for her is my real meaning of 'hope'.

~♥~