He Said...

He killed me by his words, tortured me with his smiles, and healed me with his love.

With his embrace, he made me feel alive. He held me with his eyes as he let go of my hand.

He said 'I love you', with me not knowing, it would be the last time.

He said 'I miss you' when what he meant was 'goodbye'.

Saying the words, 'I will be right here waiting' when he knew he would be leaving. He said, 'I won't give up' when what he wanted to say was, 'Don't let go of us'.

He said...

'Go away' when all he wanted me to do was to stay.

He said, 'Forget me' when his eyes were begging the other way. He told me to leave twice but his eyes are telling me otherwise.

What he says was the opposite of what his heart meant. I pretended not to hear because I don't want to believe   in the lies that he said.

When he finally said, "I'm dying"... I said nothing.

I would often ask myself, 'Did I do something wrong?'

I wanted to yell at him that leaving him is not the best choice. Now that he's suffering, I should be by his side. I have no reason to leave.

I may be stubborn but I guess I got it from him. He wanted me to just move on and find someone who can be with me until I grow old.

"How can you say those words to me? You promised me you'll be that someone!"

"We both know I can't. Not anymore. As much as I've wanted to stay and grow old with you, I just can't. So, please..."

"What about our promises? Our plans? Our future?"

"I guess, you'll have to get used to a future without me from now on."

My heart broke over and over again. I love him so much that it kills me how he's letting go just like that. Without resistance and not even bothering to fight.

Nothing hurts more than seeing the person you loved and cared the most slowly fading in your arms. It's painful but holding on while he's letting go is unbearable.

The moment when he finally decided to let go, my heart died with him.

It's excruciating but somehow, I managed to live on with that pain until now.

I looked at his living memory in front of me and kissed his head. An angel after our own tragedy. Someone I'm willing to give all of my life and spend the rest of my days with. I will do everything for his happiness.

'How can I forget and let go of you when he looks just like you?'

"Momma, are you crying? Are you sad?"

I looked down and patted his head.

"No, baby. I just remembered something. Let's go visit your Dada?"

"I miss him, Momma. Do we really look alike?"

I nodded and hugged his small frame close to my chest.

"Yes, dear. You have no idea how much I miss him too, baby."

I lighted a candle and placed the flowers in his tombstone. I gazed at his carved name and smiled as my tears fell.

"Happy 5th anniversary, my love."

*END*