Fade

When the rain falls and you're in so much pain to even feel or notice the cold droplets of water touching your skin, do you think it would turn into an array of rainbows? Or do you wish life would turn into a wonderful bed of roses? Well if you do, then you're a fool. Remember, life is already a bed of roses. But don't forget that for every rose that blooms, there are thorns.

I was once like you. Young, naive and foolish. Thinking life is a fairytale when in fact, it's a great battlefield. A vast sea full of storms and waves. I always thought I'm so lucky to meet my knight in shining armor. In the end, he's the one who got away.

I opened my eyes hoping they could change the reality.

The rain suddenly falls. I can't help but to wonder if does it know there's someone wanting to cry right here? Can it feel my grief that it chooses to fall right at the moment when my eyes would start shedding tears?

Maybe that's the reason why some people love the rain. Because it can hide your tears and wash the proof of your misery away. I know it because it happened to me on the same day he left. I've always walked behind him, watching his back. I was always wondering if I could also walk and stay close by his side. But then, when he started to walk away from me, it was another story. I just watched his back like what I always did. The only difference, he was leaving me that time. I wanted to speak and stop him but I know it would be totally useless and pathetic. He was already so far away when I managed to utter his name.

"Stein... Why can't I seem to close the gap right in between the 'You and I'?"

Maybe because there was no 'us' in the very beginning. I just hoped for the impossible to happen and fooled my already foolish self. I wanted to just disappear and forget but I'm too weak to even protect myself from the pain.

"I watch your back as you walk away. I wanted to chase you and stop you. I'll keep on running even if it would take all day. But I just can't. I guess, I'll just watch your back as you'll never know. I'll be just right here behind, watching your back as you go. Goodbye, go and seize your happiness. I'm sorry if you can't find it at my side."

Those words flew with the gust of the wind as I stood in the middle of the rain, hiding in the darkness. I used to admire the peacefulness of the night. But when he was gone, the once beautiful night became scary. Suddenly, it became sad and lonely like me. Suddenly, the night became darker as I once again, became alone.

Walking on the streets alone, like I had been used to for years, I met him again. We looked at one another with both of our smiles, one whole and one broken.

"Hi, Clair. How have you been? I... Im sorry for leaving but---" I smiled.

"I am okay. You don't have to worry about me anymore. When you left and chose to give up, I began thinking of you like the stars in the sky. You are so far away for me to even reach or touch. It's sad but I can only see you and admire you from a distance."

He smiled sadly.

"I never wanted to leave. I just need to. You could have told me to stay. I could have stayed by your side a little longer."

"And leave me sooner? What will I do? What do you expect me to say? How can I stop you when you chose to give up and start to walk down on your way? Do I stop you? Will I take your hand and hold on? Will I walk with you and choose the path I wanted us to go?"

"Clair..."

"You're happy now, I can see it in your eyes. Just promise me you won't leave her like what you did to me. I'll be right here, always. I'll watch your back, like I always did and you can just go and leave me. How I wished from time to time, I can be able to walk by your side and let you know that as long as you're happy, I'll always stay behind. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I'll try to be but I can't promise."

I gave him one last smile as he looked at me like a lost child. I wept bitterly. It's my turn to turn my back away from him. I need to in order to let go of him and his memories.

I am happy now. Well, I'll try to be. I just don't know if I still can because I've been trying for so long.

I watched as the stars began to vanish. I was like a star, starting to fade and disappear in the darkness without leaving a trace. I wanted to give up but I know I needed to start over.

It's time for me to seek my own happiness. That is, if there's still a chance waiting for me.

~♥~