Less Series 6

Breathless

I stood in front of the mirror

There, I saw a perfect stranger

With pale face and cheeks wet with tears

I took the brush and concealed every mark

Applied some colors and put on a mask

On her face, I painted a smile

My existence was all but a lie

Azalea Iris Lockett. That's my real name. Friends call me "Lei". If you want to know everything about me, just quit trying. That'd be useless. Why? Take a look at my nickname and you'll understand why. Exchange 'e' and 'i'. What do you see?

One word. Three letters.

LIE.

It's funny on how someone's mere words can tear your heart apart and make it whole again by just a smile. It's funny how a dozen lies can be covered by a single truth. It's funny. Ironic. But it tore my world apart.

All I've been was a lie. I am good in doing that. I think I already mastered the art of pretension. I never told my real identity to anyone. Because it would cost them a lot by just knowing my name.

"Do you know who the people I hate the most are? Those who lie. Liars. I am so blinded that I did not see your lies beneath your sweet smile and innocent face. I shouldn't have let myself be fooled by you."

I cried in silence. He doesn't deserve to see me like this. He's not worthy to witness my tears. I concealed my emotions. After all, this is where I'm good at. Pretending is what I'm best and for him, lying is my greatest asset.

Now, he's in front of me looking at me, his eyes begging. But I am stubborn. I've been hurt. I did not listen to him.

"Ren Jaze Byzantine. When you left, it felt like hell. But you know what, I have gotten over it. Because the moment you pushed me away was also the moment you shoved me out of your life."

"I did not push you away. I did not want you out of my life, either. It was the secrets and the lies you possess. It tore us apart."

"I never lied. I never meant to pretend. It's just that the moment you saw me again, what you saw was the 'real' me."

With that I turned around and leave. But I stopped on my tracks when I heard him spoke again.

"I love you, Lei."

My tears fell. I can't hold back my feelings anymore.

"What?! How can you say that? How can you love a person you hate?"

My mind traveled back to the years when he knew me as an innocent girl. Someone who is pure and honest. I tried to stop myself from falling for his eyes and his smiles. But my heart betrayed me. Now I do believe that sometimes, you don't want to fall in love but your heart doesn't ask for your permission.

I came from a very complicated family. My mom died because of protecting me from being hit by a car, my brother went mentally unstable and my own father became a psychotic bastard. He even tried to kill me and he blamed me for their family's misfortune.

Yes, theirs. Without me in the picture. I was never meant to be a part of it in the first place. All along, I was not their real daughter. I am an adopted child. And I can't accept the fact that the best man in my life would look at me with spite and with disdain. He treated me with so much hate. Until I, too, blamed myself. I don't deserve to be happy if I just wrecked someone's family. A family I used to adore and love as my own for 20 years. All of a sudden, everything I believed in was gone.

People I thought were my friends started to hate me and judge me without hearing me first. Even my own best friend treated me like a criminal. I wondered if someone would still love me after all I've done. Some would say it's not my fault. But I knew everything happened because of me. I could have been the one who died not my mom. I love her even though she's not my real mother. I could have been the one who protected her and not the other way around. But what's done is done. I can never be the same anymore. I shut myself away from others. I hid my own name. It's not mine to begin with. I have no identity to keep. I deserve no one. I don't deserve love. And if I will, I don't have the right to love.

A year after that painful incident, I became so obsessed about pleasing everybody. I don't know. I just felt like it's my punishment for ruining a perfect family and my brother's future. I can't be what I dreamed of. I don't have the right. I'm not worthy. But everything changed when I met him. He made me feel special and secured. He knew me as 'Lei', my other personality. The one who is a fake.

I was about to tell him but he knew it first. It was after I tried to come back to my old life. He thought I just fooled him. That I only played with his feelings.

I only became scared that's why I never admitted my feelings for him. Well, not vocally but I showed it with my eyes. I just don't know if he got it. And of all the lies I've had in my life, my love for him is the only thing that is pure and true. Without lies, without pretensions. But I was afraid that he would also look at me with hate if he learned about my scarred past that I chose to hide everything from him. But he knew and I was never wrong. He hated me. Not because of my past. He hates liars. Sadly, I am one.

I came back to my senses when I heard him speak.

"I don't hate you. I never did and I never will."

I smiled bitterly.

"You hated me for lying and I hated you for believing. For I lied about how I really felt for you and about my real identity. And you believed in something that is too far from what is true. You believed in the deception that you saw and judged me without hearing my explanation."

"Well, I can't make myself to hate you. Maybe, I was a fool. Or I was just crazy in love, I guess."

He looked at me using the same gaze he used to look at me. His eyes were full of love and hurt penetrating to my soul.

"I could've hated you for what you did, you know. You made a fool of me. You made me doubt myself but I was too scared to ask if what you felt for me was real. I am afraid to know that it was just also an act. A great scene in your pretension."

He leaned closer and held my hand.

"But I just can't make myself to hate you. How can I hate someone I love?"

"Y-you do?"

"Yes, Azalea," he breathed and whispered huskily into my ear. "Your real name sounds better, baby."

"Why? You were supposed to hate me after what I did."

"I don't hate you. I hate your past. But it was a part of you that's why I would accept it because I love you. Everything about you. Your past and even your imperfections."

"Can you accept my past?" I stared at him while trying yo hold back my tears.

"I can. I just...I hated myself. I could've been there for you. I could have shielded you away from the pain it caused you. I'm supposed to be there. I hated myself for not being with you at your lowest. And I was a fool to doubt your love. I'm worse."

He bowed his head and cried.

"Ren...don't say that. You made me whole again."

"I love you, my Iris. I would risk everything if that's all it takes to have you."

"I-I don't deserve to be loved..."

"Do you love me?"

"What?! Of course!"

"Then don't hold back."

"I'm not holding back---" I held my breath when he leaned closer, the tips of our nose almost touching.

"You can hold your breath not your love for me, darling."

"But I don't think I deserve happiness. I don't think I deserve your love, Ren."

He kissed my hand and cupped my face.

"You don't have to take the blame for yourself. It's not your fault."

"Ren..." My tears fell and my heart swelled upon his words.

"Be happy. You can be who you wanted to be. If others won't like it, just let them be. Life is not about pleasing everybody. It's about doing things that could make you happy. Your life matters on your own decisions and happiness is a choice. Always remember that."

♥♥♥

Love is a simple four-letter word without a precise meaning. It was never explicit, just full of uncertainty. Only those who experienced that kind of feeling can perfectly define it.

Love is about learning how to sacrifice. It is all about risking everything and giving up what you have for the person who is the main reason why you're breathing. It is learning to treasure someone with all your heart. It was never selfish. It is all about giving. Because I believe that if you loved a person, it doesn't mean that she has to love you back. And if you truly love someone, you will accept all her weaknesses and flaws. I was once caught in a lie. But her love must be the sweetest lie I never wanted to forget and losing her is the painful truth I'll never intend to discover.

Love is not through pretending. It's about being who you are. And with Lei at my side, I'll make sure that in my arms will be the place for her to be absolutely happy.

A place for her to be who she really is.

A place where she can be herself. A world without pretension.

A world of truth where she doesn't need to hide. I would do it for her happiness. Because seeing her smile makes me feel alive but breathless. I WILL make her the happiest girl in this world. I won't let her go. She may not be perfect but I'll make sure that our tale would be her perfect epitome of the phrase 'happy ever after'.

~♥~