A Heart's Melancholia

I smiled while looking at the man I loved, flashing a wide smile to every person under the stage.
He looked and smiled at them while I stood at the farthest end of the crowd, not taking my eyes off him.

His face may smile but nobody saw his heart crying. He may sing to them and dance with the music enthusiastically. He can fool them with his fake smiles but not me.

Well, who would have thought that beneath that handsome and smiling face is a dying heart? Who would ever know that behind those beautiful songs is a silent cry? Who would've guessed that beyond that soothing and heartwarming voice is a broken man?

No one knows the real story behind his every laughter. Nobody knows his real tale. No one besides me.

I can still remember how we used to be in love, spending time  together happily until our tale ended in a blink of an eye.

He was just starting in his career. Being with me will just make him lose everything he's worked hard for. So I was the first to let go of his hand.

People blamed me. They judged me, despised me.

Why?

Everyone saw his pain but nobody witnessed my agony. They watched him wallow in grief but they never noticed my misery.

Who would bother? They never cared about me anyway.

If they think it's me to blame, well they're wrong. Dead wrong. Let me tell you the true tale behind his smiles and my tears. How his once pure heart was filled with hatred; hate and anger towards me.

We all started as mere acquaintances. He likes to make fun of me whilst I hated his guts.

He was so busy doing things to please others and I was so busy trying to make him feel that he doesn't have to please them in order to be loved and accepted.

People loved him for his smiles.
I loved him for his scars.

Like any stereotypical scenes in a drama, our story ended . A popstar having a relationship with a non-celebrity is something that fans never really liked and supported.

Everything began to crumble when it's become so hard for him to choose. I can't see him ruin himself for me. He was willing to give up everything he have worked hard for years just for me and I don't want that.

"Stay away from my son, you witch! He used to be so full of energy in doing the thing he loves. When he met you, he became a fool and would even throw his dreams away for a nobody like you. I didn't know what you did to make him act stupidly. If you really love him, then you should know how important this dream is for him. Stop ruining my son's life and future! You are a nuisance."

I bowed my head in shame. I never thought I would live up to this day to meet and be degraded by the mother of the only man I ever loved.

It hurts but I can't blame her nor deny her words.

I was born a curse.

Everything that was touched by my fingertips wilts and falls to the ground... colors fading. I was like a jinx. Like I was born to destroy people I love.

Maybe my existence is wrong. From the very start, loving him was wrong knowing we were worlds apart.

Everything seems perfect but it was ruined in just a snap. Suddenly, it turned upside down.

He was meant to be someone great and I am hindering his fate. It sounds cliché but I had to pretend that I fell out of love just so he could let me go and pursue his destiny. I used to hate dramas featuring the female leads who lied just for the male lead to choose his dreams and she thinks she's the reason that makes him reluctant to do so.

Now, I understand why it have to be that way. I'm also doing the same scene that I used to describe as "cowardice and pathetic".

I was prepared for everything. His anger, frustration and disappointment. I prepared the words I need to say to make him believe me. I was prepared for all of it but I wasn't prepared for his tears. Seeing him in pain kills me but I need to do it. Being at his side is ruining his career. After all, an idol is a person that cannot be owned by a single person. Definitely not someone like me.

"Let's stop this. It's just impossible for the both of us."

"Why? Is it about what people say? You know that I can just always announce our relationship officially so no one will bother you anymore."

"That's not it! I... I don't love you anymore."

"What?"

"Do you really wanna know the reason? I used to be confident about myself. Even though I look average, I still am happy with the way I am. When I met you, you made me feel like I was lost in a dream. Yes, it's so unreal and I started doubting whether I'm still inside a world of reality. I began to feel insecure. It feels as if I'm just fooling myself into a story where you and I are meant to be together. I used to wish for a man who will come and sweep me off my feet. Someone who was just like me. Someone who can do ordinary things with me and do it normally. I want something that doesn't need to be concealed. Someone who can bring me to places I want without hiding away from other people. Someone I can be with openly. That someone is clearly not you. I never wanted all of this when I thought I fell in love with you. Being with you made my fantasies fall apart."

I held back and tried to look like I wasn't bothered but it's hard especially when his words are like daggers being plunged into my heart.

"I'm sorry for bothering you.
I'm sorry if you see me as someone who was made to ruin your fairytale. I can't promise that I'll be your happy ending. All I know is I would do everything to make you happy."

"S-stop... Please. Just stop..." My voice started to tremble. I covered my face but I kept my mouth shut.

"Maybe I was the only one who thought we have something special going on between us. Turns out, I just made myself a great fool to believe a lie. It was so stupid of me to think that someone like you could give me the love I've always longed to have."

I sobbed softly. So this is how it ends. This is the result of my cowardice and foolishness.

"I'll leave if that's what would make you happy. I hope you will. I just wish this is for the best. If you think it'll better for the both of us to not see each other again, I'll gladly do so. I loved you so much that I'm willing to give up everything just for you. It's a shame I ruined myself for someone who doesn't give a damn."

And in that place and time, under the pale moonlight, I was left all alone, broken, grieving, almost dying. In that same time and place, I died. Because my life left me.

I smiled ruefully and shed my most bitter tears. It's true that the most painful tears one would ever shed were meant for the things left undone and words left unsaid.

I broke him. I ruined his life and tore his heart apart. I made him a dead man, alive but with no heart. I took it away and left it shattered into pieces. He became like a song without a melody. I ruined him and I have to pay the price.

Right now, I shed tears for our unrequited tale. I cried for the times I let those precious memories fade away. I cried for not telling him how much he meant to me. I cried out of sorrow, pain and regret.

I looked at his face that seems to ask me a million questions. I smiled painfully one last time and turned my back on him. Tears fell as I walk away along with my silent pleas and broken heart.

It's okay for people to hate me. I don't have to explain myself.

If only they knew...
Maybe then, they would understand.

~🥀~