Four years earlier

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

SHIT!

Everything was going so well. Josh and I were in our fourth and final year at Caltech, we loved each other deeply, even more so than when we'd started dating, we had a healthy number of friends, we were invited to the 'cool people' parties, and I was very close to becoming valedictorian. Except for the huge stress I was under because of my studies, my life was perfect and I was happy. But obviously, in life, there's always a curveball waiting to screw you over. That was the curveball.

Out of rage, I threw the little plastic stick across the room and let myself slide down the door, hugging my knees and starting to sob desperately. I could not be pregnant. I could not. And yet, the other two pregnancy tests I had peed on earlier were also provoking me with their insolent 'plus' sign glowing at me. I was too young to have a kid, I had plans for my life! And none of them included a child. I wanted to finish college, then go to grad school. I'd probably enroll for a PhD in the UK after that. I was sure Josh's parents would be happy for us to spend a few years in their country. Josh had always said that, had he not stayed in the US for me, he would have attended the University of Cambridge. So I wanted to go there after Caltech. He had stayed back for me when we were just teenagers. Moving to the UK later, as adults, would never be repayment enough for his sacrifice but it was a start. I had given this idea a lot of thought and I loved it.

Oh my God, what would Josh think about this? I was so angry and upset at this pregnancy nonsense that I hadn't thought about what he would say. He had plans too, and I knew very well they didn't include a child either. He would be so mad at me, how had I let that happen? I was on the pill, for crying out loud!

How much did an abortion cost? Could I even get an abortion? Was that legal? And if it was, would there be any way I could sneak out of our apartment to get it done without Josh noticing something was going on?

Dios me ayude, I am in trouble.

When Josh eventually came back home, I had already gotten rid of the pregnancy tests and had made the decision not to tell him about it until I'd had a chance to evaluate the situation with a clearer head. I would call Sigrid, she would know what to do. I had briefly considered calling my mother but quickly discarded the idea. She would have given me hell for getting pregnant out of wedlock and she would have pressured me into keeping the baby at all costs. Abortions were not a thing in Christianism.

"What's wrong?" Josh asked when he kissed me hello.

God did I hate his ability to read my mind at that moment.

"Nothing," I lied.

And because I was bad at lying, I chose to distract him with sex. We were always very hungry for each other's body anyway, so it didn't look weird when I started undressing him merely one minute after he'd set foot inside. We didn't make it to the bedroom and had sex on the couch.

Feeling his body inside mine was atrocious. Having a life growing inside me that would ruin everything we had planned, and knowing that this life had been created that exact way, made it very hard to take any sort of pleasure. If anything, it made me sick. I did not come. For the first time in six years, for the first time since we started dating, I resorted to faking an orgasm. I just wanted to spare his feelings and not raise any suspicion. He didn't seem to notice.

He cleaned out the evidence of his orgasm, then he put on his underwear and got started on making dinner.

* * *

"Okay, I give up. What did I do?" He eventually asked when we went to bed, a few hours later.

"Nothing," I replied too fast for it to sound true.

"Bollocks. You have been weird all evening, being quiet and all. What's wrong?"

"I don't know, I'm just tired, I guess."

Very convincing...

"Love, please, don't lie to me. You faked an orgasm, for heaven's sake! Do you know when's the last time you ever did that?" He asked, but it was a rhetorical question. Of course I knew, the answer was never. I had never had the need to fake an orgasm with him. He was a skilled and thorough lover. He would never accept to leave me unsatisfied, and the few times I just wasn't able to come, I had been the one insisting that we stopped trying and went to bed. "Never, that's when. In six years. Something has to be seriously wrong for you to feel like you have to pretend to enjoy yourself with me. With me, Abs!"

He looked hurt, and confused, and sad. He tried to look me in the eye but I avoided his gaze.

"So, you noticed?"

I knew my question was beside the point and particularly irrelevant to the serious discussion we were having – more like the serious discussion he was trying to get out of me. But that's the only thing I could focus on. I thought I had done a good job pretending.

"For fuck's sake, Abby! Of course, I noticed! You've been my partner for almost a third of my life, I know you so well, in and out. Probably more than I know myself. You're pretty much an extension of my own body at this point. That's how I can tell you're not all right. But it's killing me that I'm not able to figure out what's wrong."

I looked down, mad at myself for putting him through this misery, yet unable to just say the words. He captured my chin between his fingers and tilted my face up. Finally, he managed to lock my eyes in his.

"What is it, love? You know you can tell me anything, right? Even if you tell me you've killed someone, I'll come with you and help you bury the body. I'm serious. There's nothing you can say that will make me walk away from you."

Aw, why did he have to be so sweet? Why did I have to be so insecure?

"I'm fine," I replied. Why did I even bother lying, at this point?

"Abby..." He pressed, tears forming in the corner of his eyes.

His begging broke my already fragile little heart, yet somehow it wasn't enough to make me cave. I was so afraid. Of me, of the baby, of Josh's reaction.

"Okay, I'm not fine, but I don't want to talk about it," I admitted.

His face dropped, resigned. He sat up in the bed, his back leaning against the headboard. He pulled me on his lap and nestled my face in the crook of his neck. He said nothing but started rocking back and forth, his hand stroking my hair.

"I love you," he said softly, "and it pains me to see you suffer and not be able to help. But I respect your decision, love. Just know I'm here for you, whatever you need. I'll be ready to listen when you want to talk about it."

Hadn't I said multiple times already that Josh was the most amazing person in this whole damn world?

I curled up in a ball on his thighs and he squeezed me closer when the tears started to pour. He said nothing. He gave me the time and the space I needed to process my pain alone, while still showing me his support and making me feel loved.

When I became too tired to stay alert, Josh carefully laid me on my side, kissed my lips gently, and took his rightful place beside me, his body spooning mine so closely that we essentially merged. His arm was wrapped around my waist, unknowingly resting on top of the fruit of our love...

* * *

I went to class the following day and pretended I wasn't pregnant. It went well, until I craved a cigarette and remembered in extremis that I shouldn't be smoking anymore, and that until the baby thing was over, one way or another. That's when I started freaking out more than I was already freaking out. I decided to call Sigrid right away and hoped that her wisdom would calm me down.

When I broke the news to her, her initial reaction was to congratulate me.

"Oh. You guys have been together forever, I assumed the pregnancy was planned," she answered after I scolded her for congratulating me on what was the biggest fuck-up in my life so far.

"It was not, Sig. I'm freaking out! I can't have a baby, I'm only twenty-two! I haven't finished college, I don't have a job, I don't have money!"

She urged me to calm down and go home. She would meet me there. I hesitated at first, I still had a few lectures that day, then I decided that I was too distraught to pay attention. I would use Josh's notes.

When Sigrid came to my place, I burst into tears in her arms for a solid half hour before she managed to assess the situation logically. She said that the first thing I had to do was book an appointment with my doctor to confirm whether I was pregnant. My doctor was not an option, though. I was still seeing the same one as my parents did when they lived in LA, and I was terrified he would just rat me out to them. Patient confidentiality was not a real obstacle for my mother. Sigrid suggested that we go to a Planned Parenthood center instead. I agreed to that and she booked an appointment in my name for the following day.

If I was not pregnant, Sig explained to me, then the problem was not a problem. If I was, there were options. She listed them to me, trying her best to be objective and not sway me with her own opinion. Many times, I asked her what she thought about this situation, what I should do, but she consistently refused to answer the question because she didn't want to influence a decision that was not hers to make. It was up to me and Josh to choose. She was not-so-secretly proud, yet shocked, that I had told her about the pregnancy before I had told Josh. She said I should do it soon, though. I told her I was scared of his reaction.

"Girl, you've got the best boyfriend on planet Earth and he is madly in love with you, there's no way he's going to let you down."

"What if he gets mad at me for letting this happen? What if he wants me to get rid of the baby?"

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"One, this guy would never get mad at you, and he'd better not anyway! Surely he's got some responsibility in the whole baby-making process, right? And two, do you not want to get rid of the baby?"

"I—I don't know!" I started crying again. "I obviously didn't plan for it, and it's ruining all my plans. But now that it's here, I'm not sure I'll have the courage to get rid of it. But also I'm too young to have a baby! Josh and I are living off our scholarships, we can't afford it. And who's going to take care of it when we have classes? Does that mean I have to drop out? Oh my God, Sig, I don't want to be a college dropout! I want to get a PhD, I want to work for NASA, I want to... own a swimming pool! I can't do that if I drop out. What am I gonna do?"

"Aw, come here, Abs," she pulled me into her arms and rubbed my back. "It's going to be all right, you just need to talk to Josh about it. That will make things clearer for both of you, I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out after that. Also, the poor guy deserves to know."

I sobbed a bit more, then sighed. I knew she was right. We agreed that I would tell Josh once the doctor at Planned Parenthood confirmed my pregnancy. Sigrid would drive me to the appointment and hold my hand all the time, she promised.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A/N: I didn't even plan it this way, but somehow I managed to have a cliffhanger on both the timelines before my break... Sorry!

Like I mentioned on Wednesday, the holiday season is very busy for me so I'll take a break from posting until early January. This was the last chapter of 2022, I hope you enjoyed it!

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year everyone!

Love,
Charlie.