Ten years earlier

I arrived at school the Monday following Josh's party with my stomach tied in a knot. I didn't know how I was supposed to act with Josh and the stress was eating me alive. My hopeless romantic heart wanted to go straight to him and kiss him. My smarter mind told me to wait for him to do something first and react accordingly. I followed what my mind dictated.

I spotted him in the hallway next to his locker, surrounded by a group of cheerleaders. He was back to wearing all sorts of shades of black, even his nails were black again. As I passed his group, his eyes met mine and he nodded at me with a shy smile. And that's it.

I guess I had my answer: we'd had a fun night but whatever we had started then had also finished then. At school, we were just friends. Acquaintances, even. At school, he hung out and slept with cheerleaders.

Offended to my core, I looked away and darted through the hall towards the English classroom. I got in well before the bell rang, hoping to be alone, and sat at my desk. I let the tears flow freely from my eyes, knowing that I had at least ten minutes before the start of the class.

"What the hell was that?"

I looked up and there was Josh, in our English classroom, yelling at me. This made me cry even harder; he was not so nice and considerate, after all

"Why are you crying?" He demanded in the same tone. "You ignored me. I'm the one who gets to be upset! Why the change of mind since Saturday?"

I kept crying, unable to make sense out of his words. The reason why I was upset was crystal clear. The reason why he was, however...

"Come with me," he finally said when he realized he was not going to get any legible reply from me in this state. He held out his hand for me to take. I did not take it at first.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Outside. On the bleachers, probably."

"Class is about to start."

He raised an eyebrow at me and scoffed.

"Do you really care about missing English? Your thing is science."

True. But my thing was also not ditching class.

"You're upset and won't be paying attention anyway," he insisted. "We might as well use this time to talk our issues through."

I could not argue with this logic. And most importantly, I could not argue when this boy was almost begging me to follow him so we could have a grown-up discussion instead of partaking in teenage drama. I took his hand and followed his lead to the football pitch outside the school. Thankfully, we didn't run into any teachers on our way.

We climbed until we reached the middle of the bleachers. Josh straddled the bench, one leg nonchalantly propped up on the seat. I sat stiffly next to him, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. He pulled me into the tightest of hugs and kissed the top of my head. He waited patiently for me to calm down as I ruined his top with my salty tears.

When I stopped crying, he loosened his hug and held my hands instead.

"Can you please tell me what's making you cry?" He asked cautiously.

"You," I answered honestly.

I felt him tense up but that's the only sign that betrayed his annoyance. Other than that, his calm composure was perfect.

"Okay, I kind of figured that out already. What did I do?"

"It's not what you did but what you didn't do. I thought that, after your birthday, we'd be, like, together or something. Or at least that we'd be friends enough that you'd acknowledge my presence in public and say hi."

"Abby, there's nothing I hate more than seeing you cry, so please forgive me if that does make you cry again. But what the fuck are you talking about? I've waited impatiently for you to arrive this morning. When you did, you ignored me when I tried to catch your eyes, then you ran straight to the English classroom! What did I do wrong? As for my birthday, I had a great time too, but you do realize you snuck out of my bed before I woke up, right? No note, no text, not even a goodbye kiss. So excuse me if I don't just fall into your arms when I first see you after that. I wasn't sure you would want me to since you've been so prompt to leave me without saying goodbye. I have feelings too, you know?"

"I—" I started to speak and trailed off. I wanted to make excuses for myself, tell him that it was all his fault, that he shouldn't have hung out with the cheerleaders, that he should have known that I expected him to kiss me that morning. But I was the jerk in this situation. Leaving his room without a word was the quintessential douchebag move. I also had been quick to judge him when I saw him in the hall with the other girls. He had sort of said hi to me, I just expected more and had acted like a child and sulked instead of talking about it. He was clearly the bigger person by forcing this conversation out of me.

"I'm sorry," I said with a long sigh.

"Thank you, love. I appreciate that."

I smiled internally. He was still calling me 'love' so not all hopes were lost.

"Now would you like to explain to me why you did that? What's wrong?"

"It's... too complicated," I eluded.

"Try me."

"It's the cheerleaders."

His face was confused.

"What?"

"It's the damn cheerleaders. You're friends with them, you've had sex with them. How am I supposed to feel in comparison? They're all freakishly gorgeous, and each time I let myself imagine what the two of us could be, I remember that you have an entire squad worth of better options. How could you possibly want me and my ugly fat ass when you could have Cheryl? When you have, in fact, already had Cheryl."

"Hey! Don't you dare speak badly of that fat ass!" He laughed.

"Sure, make a joke out of it, that's exactly what I need."

"I'm not joking, though. I love your fat ass, you can't imagine all the unholy things I want to do to it. You're insanely hot, love. You're much more than just hot, obviously, but if you've ever doubted it, let me assure you that I find you extremely attractive."

I rolled my eyes but blushed anyway.

"It's not just that," I kept explaining. "You've become my first for pretty much everything worthwhile in my life, but what first do I get to be for you? The other night was special for me but I can't shake the feeling that it was just any other night for you. In fact, I have been fighting the feeling that this whole night was just a stupid challenge that your footballer and cheerleader friends gave you. You can bed anyone so easily, why not try the Argentinian virgin to spice up the game?"

"Wow. I'm really sad that you think so little of me."

"Deep down, I know you're better than that. I am constantly fighting this feeling, because I know you're a great person who wouldn't do that to another human being. But I cannot just ignore those insecurities, they're rooted deep inside me. So yeah, when I saw you surrounded with a bunch of hot girls and barely acknowledging me, I was quick to imagine the worst."

There was a long silence after my confession.

"The cheerleaders mean nothing to me. They're just friends."

"How many of them did you sleep with?"

He hesitated. "A couple of them," he admitted. "But that meant nothing. They happened to be there when I was single and horny. I would never want a relationship with them."

"Gee, that's so much better."

"Abby, you have to realize that I've only had eyes for you since I met you."

I snorted.

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm serious. I've been flirting with you heavily since my first day here. Everybody is seeing through me. I'm sure Sigrid knows, too. Just the way I address you is a dead giveaway. How many people do you think I call 'love' on a daily basis?"

"I thought British people called everyone 'love'."

"In movies, yeah. Some older folks might do it too. But it's not something the average person does. I call you 'love' because I'm flirting with you, and I know you enjoy it. Honestly Abby, if I wasn't so sure you were as infatuated with me as I am with you, I would have given up. I've been very obvious but I've struggled to get any response from you. Until last Saturday."

My heart skipped a beat. Nobody had ever shown so much interest in me before, especially not someone whose interest I reciprocated. There was however an unmissable flaw in his heartfelt declaration.

"Sleeping with the whole squad of cheerleaders is a really stupid way of flirting with me."

He sighed, exasperated. Which, in turn, annoyed me.

"Abby, there's been two cheerleaders, okay? Only two. Cheryl and Riley. It happened once with each of them, and I won't apologize for it. It was when all I could get out of you was the time or where the library is. And while we're at it, I only slept with one other girl before that. Her name is Harriet and we had a short summer fling before I moved to the US. Happy? I'm not the manwhore you seem to believe I am."

I felt awful. No, I wasn't happy. I hadn't meant for him to tell me things he didn't want to. And I sure hadn't meant to offend him either.

"Josh, I—"

"I get it. I really do. You're jealous, and I'm flattered, but you've got to talk to me rather than storm off and ignore me. I can't make it better for you if I don't know what's wrong."

I appreciated his maturity, especially when I was lacking in that department, but I was still upset. I knew it was irrational. We were not together, not then, not now. I had no right to be jealous. And yet, I very much was.

"If that can make you feel any better," he said, "you're the first girl I have ever slept with – in the literal sense of sleeping. So that's a first you can claim."

Surprisingly, it did make me feel a bit better.

"Do you remember when I asked you to be my Valentine?" I nodded. "I hate that you're making me say it out loud, by the way. What I meant to ask, and I'd hoped you'd get it, was for you to become my girlfriend. Not just a Valentine's Day thing but an actual, steady girlfriend. I cannot make your insecurities disappear, but I'll do everything I can to make you feel safe in this relationship. I will never cheat on you, love, nor treat you badly. Be sure of that."

I felt like my heart could explode with joy. I was still sad and vulnerable and insecure, but somehow it didn't matter anymore.

I did not bother replying and launched myself at him instead, capturing his lips in mine. He kissed me back with just as much fervor as me.

"Is that a yes?" he momentarily broke the kiss to ask me.

I nodded.

"Now you can also pride yourself in being my first ever girlfriend."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A/N: It's finally Friday! I hope you guys have a good weekend.

If you're interested, I've made a Tiktok and an Instagram account. It has some fun content about this story to give you some visuals. Come and give me a follow! My username is charliegrangewrites on both platforms. I hope to see you there and I'll see you on Monday for next chapter.

Love,
Charlie.