Although this is at, like, quarter to midnight, I might as well do it right now. Just because I can't give a fuck less.

Alright, welcome back guys and guys with no dicks, so recently I was just watching a video on how to make egg fried rice with tofu and spring onion with Jamie Oliver.

I know, SHUT UP! I already talked about it, but it wasn't as comprehendible as I thought that announcement would be. I'm gonna rant about this but I want to include my thoughts on this, especially analyze on how this dish was cooked and how I would cook it.

Not to mention I did cook Egg Fried Rice at the beginning of last month and I followed a recipe that I created by listing do's and don't's on how I should cook my fried rice, so I'll be putting in some tips and some ideas on how to cook it.

First off, the beginning of the video when Jamie's about to cook the fried rice started off surprisingly normal: a saucepan can be sufficient, although there are more capabilities in using a wok, but if anyone can't afford a wok, a saucepan is absolutely fine.

Also, the stove he was using is a burner and that's okay to use because not only does it give the wok the heat it needs to cook Asian cuisine like fried rice. And that's another thing, you need the wok hay, which gives the food a smokey flavor.

The first step that he got right was dicing up the spring onion, but how he diced them up was not great. They were not circles like how the spring onions would be. They were so disproportional they were honestly not worth being used in this dish.

Then, it was what I feared, he used olive oil.

You're not supposed to be using olive oil in Asian cuisine and to me, olive oil should only be used for western cooking and I only use it when I'm cooking Italian food or for using as a binder for my rub on smoking my thanksgiving turkey, which came out as this 12 hours later...

...and not for anything else.

For Asian cooking, Vegetable oil, peanut oil, sesame oil, or canola oil are allowed to be used, but personally, I believe olive oil has no place in Asian cookery. It just doesn't. No one can change my mind.

After putting in a tablespoon of olive oil, Jamie put the spring onion into the pan first.

"And we get these sizzling straight away."

He hears sizzling, I hear my grandpa crying.

This doesn't make one dick of sense, the spring onion is used as a garnish and it's the last thing to put onto the dish. I always saw the spring onion as a garnish for fried rice and yes, it can be used as a way to release the fragrance and use the rest as a garnish, but I just think putting the spring onion last is the way to go so it doesn't wilt and get slimy.

Then, Jamie then brought a packet of pre-cooked rice.

WHAT THE FUCK!

I never wanted to go to England and have him die in a fire so much in my life.

Using cold cooked rice is one thing, but precooked rice? That's not how it's done. Day old rice is the best choice when cooking fried rice, it retains moisture and it'll be loose and sticky.

However, if you cook rice the day off, the next best thing is to spread the cooked rice on a tray and let it cool down until there's no heat anymore. Not only does it retain the moisture and it's more loose, it can help you cook the rice more easily and you can make as many dishes of fried rice as much as you want.

Also, if you can't cook rice in a pot, I highly recommend doing this, I do it all the time when I'm cooking rice, it's a rice cooker. I barely know how to cook rice on the stove and personally, using a rice cooker is the best method because it's much easier and you only need to wait, like, 15 to 20 minutes for the rice to cook. Just make sure you add water, salt (fine and non-iodized), and a teaspoon of vegetable oil.

Now, Jamie then put the rice into the pan with the diced spring onion and started cooking it well as the rice was getting moist. He also started tossing the rice around so poorly that it didn't like pretty appetizing.

Jamie, then, went to the shelf behind him, he grabbed what I thought was not appropriate for Asian cooking, chili jam, and put two tablespoons of that into the rice.

When I saw this for the first time, I thought it was a huge mistake, because chilis are fine in fried rice and you can make it spicy, no problem, but chili jam? I'd save it for a different non-Asian dish and just use actual chilies.

After tossing it around for a bit, Jamie decided to give it a splash of water.

I hated that because you know why he added water? Because of the chili jam, it has sugar, it's gonna caramelize and burn everything and the water will make the rice so watery it can't be eaten since it was already cooked.

Now, this just made me hate Jamie for life after watching this: he brought out tofu.

Look, I'm not against tofu being in fried rice. If you cube it up in tiny chunks, it  wouldn't be a terrible dish for the vegan side of Asian cuisine. I'd be all for it because I got a friend who's vegan and I'd serve her that, but this guy opened it out of a package, tore the tofu up like paper, and dropped it all into the pan after cracking two eggs in the middle and stirring it around.

After tossing it until it was all cooked, Jamie took a bowl, oiled it up with olive oil, put the rice inside it, flattened it with a spatula, flipped it over on a plate, and it was round as my fiancée's tits.

If you put fried rice in a bowl and use it to set it on a plate for a western style presentation, that literally defeats the purpose of eating fried rice out of a bowl.

Here's a bowl of traditional egg fried rice...

...and here's Jamie's fried rice.

The first picture is how fried rice should look. Rice is brown, it has cooked chopped vegetables, and it has the texture that traditional fried rice should have. The rice has been cooked in a rice cooker and left in the fridge to chill for one day because that's how people in the Asian realm do it. Every grain of rice has to be an individual grain because that's the purpose of this dish.

The eggs are cooked and fluffy, it just all looks so good and I'd eat that.

Now look at Jamie Oliver's fried rice, it looks like shit: the rice is so wet, it's all burnt, there are huge chunks of tofu, the spring onion is wilted, slimy, and not edible. I mean, look at that! It doesn't look appetizing at all!

Whenever I see Jamie Olive Oil cooking Asian dishes and fucking them up, I feel personally obligated to call poison control because it seems like he takes any Asian ingredient, puts it in, and calls it authentic Asian food.

It's not authentic, it's just a damn mixture of everything Asian.

If you want to learn how to cook Asian dishes and know how to cook them properly, don't watch this fuck because he doesn't do any research on Asian recipes and he thinks, "Oh, let's put some olive oil in to start things off".

I hate this guy and seriously, if I have to rate his fried rice on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a 0. There's no reason for that dish to be cooked as the way we saw it in that picture.

If you guys agree with me, let me know and tell me your thoughts on this! I'd love to hear from you!

Now that I've shared my criticism and how I would cook it, here's my egg fried rice recipe, "Region Inspired", NOT AUTHENTIC, "Region Inspired"...

Hand Held Colander

Wooden Cutting Board

Long Grain Jasmine Rice (cooked and chilled)

3 Smashed and Diced Garlic Cloves

3 Eggs

Scallions

1 Tablespoon of Salt

1 Tablespoon of Ground White Pepper

Avocado Oil

Cooked Chicken Thigh (diced; NEVER USE CHICKEN BREAST!)

Diced Carrot

Green Peas (half cooked)

2 1/2 Tablespoons Regular Soy Sauce

Wooden Ladle

1. Finely chop the spring onion and set aside in a bowl for later use.
2. Take the carrot, chop off the tip and back, dice it, and set aside in a bowl for later use.
3. Dice the chicken into rice size bits set aside in a bowl for later use.
4. Crack three eggs on the cutting board (a flat surface), put them in a bowl, stir them together until they're a thick yellow liquid.
5. When the eggs are stirred, take a colander, hold it over a bowl, pour the egg through it to remove the abdomen from the white (NEVER USE THE COLANDER TO DRAIN YOUR RICE!)
6. Place wok on a propane stove (make sure you have one outdoors, if you don't, I simply recommend you use a grill. Any type will work, as long as your wok has a flat bottom!)
7. Add 1 tbsp of oil and swirl around the wok.
8. Once the oil starts to smoke, wait a few seconds then dump out the oil into another bowl before adding the oil again.
9. Add smashed and diced up garlic, along with the diced chicken thigh.
10. Add the eggs and stir the ingredients around until they're golden and fluffy.
11. Throw in your rice and the peas, stir fry, and then use the back of the wooden ladle to separate the rice grains to prevent clumping and stir fry the ingredients for 1 minute.
12. Sprinkle the tablespoons of salt and ground white pepper all around the rice before adding 2 1/2 tablespoons of soy sauce and then stir fry again for another minute.
13. Add the diced spring onion and stir fry for five seconds.
14. Scoop out the rice with the ladle and serve onto a bowl or plate.

Tip: Eating fried rice out of a bowl is mainly used with chopsticks, but when eating fried rice from a plate, you use a spoon. Yes, it's weird, but it's how eastern people eat their fried rice.

Bon Appetite!