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content warnings
suicidal actions/thoughts

  WHAT FEELS LIKE HOURS later, I peeled myself from Blake's arms and managed to shower. I wrap the towel around my hair, fresh clothes on my body as I sniffle and walk down to the room.

When I open the door, someone is sitting on my bed. I flick the lights on and my heart drops. I just hope it isn't obvious, especially to Adrien Calt.

"What the hell?" I don't even give him the chance to explain. I run over and grab him by the collar, slamming him into the wall. "Back from missing in action, eh?" Adrien isn't affected by my glare or grip on his shirt, he just smirks like this is a fun game we play.

"Why are you back? Daddy let you on the island again?"

"I heard yours killed someone so let's calm down," He says and shoves me off of him, "But yes, I'm back." I cross my arms over my chest, "That's great. Get the fuck out of my house," I point towards the door but he can use the window—or jump off the roof. How'd he even get in? Is no one home? This is possibly the last thing I needed. I haven't seen Adrien in almost a year since his dad sent him away because of his criminal behavior.

"I used the ol' window before you ask how I got in," He smirks. Adrien hasn't changed. He's still the smug, narcissistic asshole I've always known. "Okay, take it to leave now. I have places to be," I gesture towards the open window, my curtains flowing with the wind.

"Can't say hi to an old friend?" Adrien leans in closer to me. I harshly shove him away and he stumbles back, "Get the fuck out, Adrien."

Adrien shrugs, walking back over to the window, "Just know, I have new friends now. Some old ones too but, people welcomed me back to the island. Can't say the same for you. Bye, Sam." He leaves through the window and I wait until I hear the gate open and then rush over to the other one that faces the garage. A breath I didn't realize I was holding leaves my mouth. A tear rolling down my cheek.

No, no. We're not crying over Adrien Calt. He doesn't get that win. It's just a mixture of everything that's hitting me.

Let's just go to JJ's. Check on him. Give him the phone and bring him back here.

I walk down to the garage and expect my car and only my car but next to it is a dirt bike. A cute black one with a note on it.

'Welcome Home, —Vanessa,' The note reads and I have to chuckle. I mentioned missing my bike one time months ago and she decided to get me one while I was missing? Vanessa style. I grab my old helmet, another head injury isn't needed. The bike starts up, revving in the garage. I can't help the smirk that forms as I back up into the street.

I rev it some more when something hits me—It looks like Piper's bike. The same one I got many rides on when we both needed an escape. I shake my head, starting the bike and racing down to JJ's house.

It only takes a few minutes with the angry speed I'm going on the bike. Pulling into his driveway, I immediately notice the blue paper on his front door.

An eviction notice. Shit.

"JJ?" I shout as I rip down the paper. I round the corner to the backyard and find JJ messing with his own dirt bike.

"That was your bike?" He asks and his tone sounds off, almost uninviting. I slow my steps down. Maybe he's just mad about being evicted. "Vanessa got me a new one. It's black and cute," I smile, hoping he'll turn to look at me but his focus is still on his bike.

I crouch down next to him, really giving him the biggest smile I can. He finally looks at me and I pull the phone out of my hoodie. "Here ya go," I excitedly say. JJ just stares at it and I force him to take it. "Now you'll know how to turn the location off," I poke fun at the incident.

"I don't have the money to pay for that," JJ hands me back the phone box.

I shrug, "It's paid off or whatever. You have unlimited data now. Remember that Kook thing?" I say, placing the phone on the seat of the bike. He stays quiet. "So, what's this for?" I place the notice on top of the phone. He takes the page, "For, like, nonpayment or whatever. Doesn't matter. This place sucks anyway," JJ sighs, "Great to be back in the Outer Banks, right?"

"Can you please stop looking at your bike? What's up?" I plead with him. After seeing Adrien, I needed to see JJ. I want a hug and a kiss from him and he seems to need one too.

I take a deep breath, "Y'know, what my mom told me after you left?" I wait for a hum before continuing, "Apparently, Big John was spotted on the island. I have no idea if it's true but if it is, I imagine he's at the Chateau." I don't know how much I believe of that. Big John was presumed dead. It's been nearly a year. Actually, a year next month as well as a year of JJ and I dating next month. JJ looks up, "Seriously?"

"It's what Mama Rachel told me," I throw my hands up, "You think if he is—if he was hunting the same treasure as Singh?" JJ smiles but it drops and he's back to being distant. "Okay, babe, what's up? Do you wanna come back to my place? I'm worried about you," I sigh, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Well, it's not me you have to worry about," JJ says.

"I'm always gonna worry about you, JJ. You're my boyfriend." JJ freezes up at that word. My heart drops, my hands immediately grabbing at my necklace. "You worry about me because I'm evicted. My dad is gone. My house. Nothing. I have you but I'm sure I'll fuck that up too," JJ stomps away from me.

"J, don't start this. We've fought too hard for us," I say, a lump forming my throat for the second time today. "Look at you! You've got new clothes on and a new bike. Look at me? What do I got?" JJ nervously laughs, "This?" He points at his house, "This piece of shit?!" JJ yells, throwing a beer can through the ripped screen. My heart is breaking. I want nothing more than to get JJ out of this situation but he won't let me.

"Getting kicked out of this place in three weeks anyway," JJ pants. "So, you stay by me! Just like before!" I shout. "Why are you with me? I should've never confessed to you. I should've never let you get involved with me like—this. I'm just some loser that—"

"JJ—"

"You don't care!"

"I do care!" I cry, grabbing him by the back of the shirt and spinning him around, "Don't do this again. I deserve you, remember? You deserve me! You deserve to be loved, JJ!" I shout, hands on his chest as it heaves up and down. JJ gulps and I can see the tears forming, "No, you got family that live on Figure Eight, you know? You know....."

"It wasn't supposed to be like that, JJ! Don't use that against me!" I shout as he begins to walk away from me again. I knew coming home would implode everything. I haven't even told him the biggest secret and it's all exploding right in front of me. "That's your future. It's your future now, okay? You got that," JJ says, throwing his hands behind his head.

   What caused this sudden change? We were fine. Perfectly fine on that damn boat.

"How many times do I have to tell you to just stay by me? I'll help you," My words are choked out, mixed with hiding the dam that dares to break.

"You see? It's that right there! It's so easy for you to say that! You know why? Because you're a Kook! You're a Kook, Sam!"

My whole world spins. JJ has never considered me a Kook. None of them have. I got on Figure 8 because my mom's best friends took us in from an abusive household. My mom isn't rich, okay? She works with Brandon but she will never make as much money as he does.

"I've never been a Kook—"

"Is that why you just got two new phones with no worry, huh? I—I'm a thief! I'm a lowlife!" JJ shouts, hands running through his hair. "You are not a lowlife, JJ. A thief maybe but so am I," I try to calm him down. His breath hitches, indicating he's hiding a sob from me, "The difference is now, you choose to be a thief. I have no choice."

"Why is the boys taking me in suddenly an issue? I'm not a Kook. I'm a Pogue. I grew up on The Cut scrounging for loose change and wondering where my next meal was gonna come from. I'm aware I have the privilege to not worry about that now but I've never been a Kook. And if you wanna play this game, you never seemed to mind being in their Kook house when they offered their pool and clothes and other things to you. Why would I be the person to judge you for how you're living, babe?" I take a deep breath, tears brimming my waterline.

He pants, pacing the grass before swinging a leg over his bike. "JJ, stay here!" I jump in front of his bike, "I'm gonna grab some clothes and I'm gonna stay here with you if you don't come back to my house, okay? I'm not leaving you alone!" JJ sniffles, refusing to look at me.

"JJ, look at me!" My chest hurts as I scream. "Sam, move—"

"I'm gonna be back here—" I'm cut off by the revving of his bike and him backing up. He drives around me, dirt following him. "JJ, what the fuck?" I yell, tears clouding my vision again, chest hurting as the panic sets in. He drives off and I'm frozen in place, battling between staying here or hopping on my own bike and going after him. It's what he would do, right? He'd come after me.

Suddenly, that black hole feeling comes over me. The one I haven't felt in nearly a year yet I'm so accustomed to.

It has to be evil of me somehow to want to die, I'll say it bluntly, to want to suffer a painful death when I have a boyfriend and friends—I have to be evil, right? It wouldn't cause me any pain mentally considering I'd be dead.

But, I'm aware enough to know that if I offed myself or let myself just die, people would be upset.

I'm also aware enough that in the long run, it'll be easier for them to do everything without me. No more insane Sam to watch out for, no more impulsive decisions that leave dad's dead.

   They'll mourn for sure, but no one's sleeping at my grave when they can just not worry about me anymore. Everyone outside of the Pogues gives us problems. Adrien will surely start some shit and Weston is—was—Weston. Attacking my friends and boyfriend, nearly killing me in front of them. They don't deserve to worry about that anymore.

GOING TO A BAR with my old fake ID when I feel like I'm losing my mind isn't the best idea. I'm aware. But, if I go down, let it be with a cherry vodka in hand. So, I put in my best I'm 21 walk and strut into the bar filled with people from The Cut.

"Hi, can I have a cherry vodka shot?" I smile. The bartender eyes me up and down and laughs, he laughs at me. "You're Sam Vernon. You're 17. Not 21," He looks me in the face and breaks my ID. "Hey! I paid for that!" I scoff as he throws it out and walks away from me. Now I'm just sitting on the barstool looking dumb as hell. I'm tired. Can't I have one day with something going right in the past three months? Holy shit.

I slump over the bar and hear the stool next to me squeak. I open one eye. My worst mistake so far. It's Rafe Cameron smirking at me. "Is that Sam?" He says like we're still old friends, announcing it to the bar. I don't wanna deal with him right now or like, ever actually but I have to be careful. Rafe could just announce to everyone that I killed Weston.

"No. It's not, Rafe," I hide my face into the sticky wooden bar.

He puts a hand on my back, "I missed you, y'know?" Gross. Really gross. I lift my head up, "Aw. I didn't miss you!" I give a dramatic pout. He deadpans at me and then grips my bicep, dragging me to a corner of the bar as I curse and fight his grip. "Definitely didn't miss you, my God!" I yell. "Kie told you?" Rafe smugly smiles. My tongue pokes at the inside of my cheek, "The hell are you talking about?"

"Don't bullshit. I'm the one who found him, Sam. He said you attacked him—"

"That's a lie! He attacked me!" I whisper through gritted teeth, giving up the innocent act. "I didn't say I believed him. He killed Piper. Why would I give a shit what that man says?" Rafe laughs. The buzz cut could be better. I'm only just now taking it in.

Guilt strikes me for Piper's death. "Did they have a funeral?" I ask. Rafe's face softens, "Yeah," He sniffles but I think it's from the coke, not his emotions, "They did. They did have a funeral. You thought I did it, didn't you?"

"Well, who else would be my first thought, Rafe? I know I guessed right with Cameron though. You know your dad paid Weston to kill her?" I plant my hands in my hips. Rafe chuckles, "I'm aware, alright? I'm not happy with Ward right now," Rafe rants before taking a breath, "Adrien's back."

"I saw. Yeah, he was in my room. You his new bestie?" I ask with fake excitement. "Nah, I'm done with that loser. He has new friends though," Rafe sucks on his teeth and then leans in and grabs my wrist, "Watch what you say. I don't wanna use what I know against you." That's a lie. That's exactly what Rafe Cameron wants. Power.

"Get your hand off me or I'll cut your fingers off and send them to your grandma," I seethe at Rafe. He chuckles lowly but moves his hand. I don't say anything else, I just start to leave the bar and where Rafe is.

"You don't even know where my grandma lives!" Rafe shouts.

"I'd find out!" I say as I shout over my shoulder, middle finger in air.

It's like everyone wants to annoy me to death, I swear to God.

   MY HOUSE IS QUIET. No one is home. Not even the house gremlin Marcus. They've all built a life while I was gone. I can't blame them. It's what they're supposed to do. They're all.....happy. Vanessa has a boyfriend on the Mainland and Blake told me he tried to move on from Pope, that he's just gonna take a break for now. It's been easier without me. They'll never admit it but it has been. I used to get those blackouts and it would suck. I just saw red. Pure anger. But now I'm so self aware it's mind boggling. It sucks.

I find myself in the cold kitchen, taking a seat in front of the island. There's a picture of Marcus and I on the window sill. It was before my hair was blue and before I knew how bad my life truly was, how abnormal it was. I was maybe 6 in the photo, missing one front tooth from pulling it out myself.

   My little girl self is a stranger to me now. It's like another universe holds her innocence.

I stare at the pill bottle across from me. Justin probably takes them for his back pain. The bottle of painkillers almost teases me. When I was younger, I'd randomly take pain killers—I wasn't addicted—it was just something I saw my mom do and picked up on it, I guess. But as the possibilities of everyone I love thinking I am fucking psycho flood my brain more and more—I reach for the bottle.

I quickly retract my hand when I realize I'm opening the cap. Do I want this? Maybe it's just for the better of everyone. I'm crazy and too impulsive—I'd only slow everything down—like I always do. I grip at my hair and smack myself in the head. What the hell is wrong with me?

   I'm fucking useless. Actually—the one thing I'm good for is being an asshole. I piss everyone off and I always have because I don't realize when enough is enough but who's to blame? Myself or Weston? All I know is to fight growing up but I can't even fight my own brain. To be fair—I gave myself a good run.

I don't even realize the bottle is in my hand now.

You're a fuck up. You let Piper die. Weston is dead which will make everything harder for everyone once the news is out. What if Weston isn't dead and it's another one of Rafe's games, a power move? And if you didn't kill him you're more of a failure than I thought. Attempted murder. That looks good on the record.

The walls start to close in on me and my brain almost subconsciously reminds me of the feelings of hurting myself. That's how I know my brain is going to hell—when I remember that feeling but it's worse than normal this time.

"Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck this! I hate my life!" I take the towel paper holder next to me and throw it against a wall. Then, I just start trashing the kitchen. An unbearable amount of rage fuels everything. I haven't processed what I went through before the gold or after. Flashes of trauma only fuel me even more—like a lighter to a fuse.

When everything around me seems to slow down, I grab the bottle and take a random amount. The front door opening causes me to panic as I stand there with the horrible taste of pills in my mouth and sliding down my throat.

"Sam?" My brain speeds up again at the sound of Sarah. They think you're crazy. You're only slowing down the goal—they're only your friends so you don't kill yourself. Just like I've been told by people. The bottle rolls towards me on the counter.

"Sam? Sam! Oh my God! JJ!" I can't speak as Sarah runs towards me but I can feel more pills going down my throat. What nearly makes me puke them all up is Sarah's wide eyed concerned expression and then JJ's eyes shifting from the bottle to me. See, you're a fuck up. You can't even kill yourself right. They are better off.

"Fuck! What the hell?!" JJ runs towards me and I can't even back up before getting too dizzy to move. The panic sets in as more pills slide down my throat. "Sam, no, no, shit!" Sarah's cries make me feel guilty but the logical part of me is battling the part that wants me dead and I can't tell who is fucking winning. I'm frozen, standing in place as I begin to hyperventilate.

  JJ puts a firm arm around my waist and forces my mouth open. It's not like I can do much in my hazy state. "You gotta puke for me, please, baby," JJ presses his fingers down on my tongue and the remaining pills fall out of my mouth and into the sink.

My body can't do much. My head is blanking as I try to stabilize myself against the counter. He presses down again, "Sarah, hold the other side of her!"

My whole body jolts as I gag. I can feel pills come up. The disgusting taste feels like it's almost all over my body. I feel cold and hot at the same time. "Okay, good job, come on," Sarah's voice is faded.

  I can barely recognize Sarah's hand on my back. He presses down again and more comes up—a louder gag this time. He keeps doing that till I physically can't anymore. My body is weak—I can't hold myself up. I fall back into JJ's arms. "Is there anymore?" He squeezes my cheeks. I weakly try to swat his hand away.

    My eyes almost sink into my head as I look up at Sarah and JJ who are hovering over me. "We gotta get her to her bed—"

"Go, I'll clean up the mess!" Sarah shouts. "Hey, don't close your eyes, baby. Come on," JJ pleads.

   There's no way the pills kicked in that quickly—right? I can't tell but the last thing I see before my eyes fall completely shut are JJ's heavy blue eyes staring at me, panicking.

———

before i get all like sappy?? idk i just wanna say that thsi was bound to happen w sam. my bpd coded bb

that being said, if u ever feel how she did pls don't hesitate to reach out to someone. the world is a better place w u in it