Cecelia hadn't left her hotel room since the accident. Before the race, she and James had shared a motorhome while they stayed at the track, but afterward, Cecelia couldn't stay. The bus felt too empty without James there. Even at the hotel, her bed felt too big without him lying beside her. She didn't know what to do. All she knew was James was gone and she was entirely lost without him.

Felix had visited her a few times daily to ensure Cecelia was taking care of herself. He brought her food twice a day, but she rarely ate anything. She tried, she really did, but most of the time, she ended up vomiting it back up. Some days, the guilt ate away at her, for surviving, while James did not. Cecelia knew she shouldn't blame herself, but she found herself doing it anyway.

Cecelia's parents had offered to book plane tickets to visit, and so had James's, but she declined both offers. Truthfully, she did want to see them, but on her own time.

Cecelia thought back to when she had first met James. She was in her first year of single-seater racing, a season of ADAC F4 in Germany. She had met a kind, sweet English-American boy from Oregon and immediately felt connected to him. They had become friends before Cecelia was offered a seat in US F2000. James had stayed in Europe for another year, before joining her in Pro Mazda in 2018. The two finally made it official, and they had been happy for over three years.

Cecelia was lost in her thoughts when she heard a knock at the door. It must have been Felix, making sure she'd showered. He would be proud to know that she already had. Cecelia got out of bed and walked to the door.

On the other side was David Malukas, holding a brown paper to-go bag.

"Hey," said Cecelia, mustering up an attempt at a smile. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to see David, she just wasn't anticipating a visit from him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see if you were alright. I mean, you don't have to be, but I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is, I just wanted to see you," rambled David. "Can I come in? I brought breakfast."

Cecelia opened the door the rest of the way, letting him enter the room. He sat down by the tiny table in the corner and set the bag on it. Cecelia stood by the door, unsure if she should join him.

David looked at her, his eyes softening as he saw the expression on her face. "It's okay, Cecelia. If you want me to leave, I'll go," he said gently.

"It's okay," said Cecelia softly.

She cautiously took a seat next to him. She didn't know why she was acting so timid, she'd known David for just as long as she'd known James. The two had been best friends. Perhaps that was the problem. Cecelia was worried that David would blame her for the crash, just as she'd blamed herself.

"I brought smoothie bowls, your favorite," said David, pushing the paper bag towards her, like some sort of peace offering.

Cecelia opened the bag, removing two containers. David looked at them and selected his order, sliding the other one to Cecelia.

"What's in it?" asked Cecelia, struggling a little to remove the lid.

"Mixed fruit, with bananas, blueberries, and extra granola on top," said David.

Cecelia turned to look at him. "How did you know about the extra granola?"

"I've known you long enough to know your breakfast order," he explained with a shrug. "And Felix told me."

"Thank you," said Cecelia.

She removed a wooden spoon from the bag, picking at the food. She mustered up the energy to take a few bites.

"You don't have to be polite," said David. "It's okay if you don't want it. I've also had trouble eating."

"It's just so difficult," she said, unable to meet his eyes. She felt tears begin to prick her own. "I feel like it's my fault."

"Cecelia, don't say that," said David. "It was a racing incident that turned into a freak accident. It was no one's fault."

"Yes, but I tried to overtake both of you. It was so stupid," said Cecelia, tears starting to pour down her face.

"Maybe, but we're racing drivers. We do stupid shit for a living," he said. "It wasn't your fault."

David put down his spoon and pulled Cecelia into a hug. His chin rested on top of her head, her tears soaking into his t-shirt.

"You know," said David quietly. "Not a day has gone by since the accident that I haven't wished it were me instead. You shouldn't have to go through living without him. He shouldn't have died."

"David, you can't say that. You- you can't say that," said Cecelia, stumbling over her words.

She started to cry even harder. She hated crying. She didn't want to feel fragile. She wished she could just push through the agony this loss was causing her. But she couldn't, stuck in David's arms instead.

"It's okay," whispered David, pulling Cecelia closer to him. He rubbed her back gently, his hand moving in gentle, soothing circles. "Just cry it out. It's just me," he said. "I'm really proud of you, Cecelia."

Cecelia pulled away, sniffing quietly as she dried her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. "Why?"

"You're going through a lot right now," said David. "I can't even begin to think about how hard this must be for you. But you're getting through it. I think that's really admirable."

"Thank you, David," said Cecelia.

She forced down a few bites of her smoothie bowl. It tasted great, but her appetite was lacking significantly.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, David broke the silence between them. "Are you going to finish the season? You could catch up to him if you really tried. I think you're the only one who can."

Cecelia shook her head. "I can't."

"I understand," said David. "I think it'll be difficult for me to get back in the car in Portland next month."

Cecelia debated on whether or not to tell him the truth. That the real reason Cecelia was leaving racing wasn't the anxiety, the loss. That it was the thankfully healthy baby growing inside of her body.

Cecelia had been overwhelmed by the news. Sure, she was thrilled. She and James had always known they'd wanted to start a family, but certainly not this early, and certainly not with Cecelia alone.

No one knew about the pregnancy yet, and Cecelia wasn't sure how she should break the news. So she decided to wait, at least until she felt she was in a better mental state. But she felt she could trust David. He had been James's best friend, he deserved to know. And it felt easier to break the news to him over her family. There was less stakes involved in telling him.

"I'm pregnant," blurted Cecelia.

David looked shocked. Cecelia figured her face was a mirror of his expression. She had hoped she'd be a little more eloquent about the confession, but expressiveness had left her life days ago.

Tears shone in David's blue eyes. Cecelia felt some welling in her own eyes as a response.

"Why are you crying?" asked Cecelia, laughing through her tears.

"I don't know," said David, laughing with her. "I'm so sorry, Cecelia."

He wrapped one of his arms around her shoulders. Cecelia leaned against his side.

"Does anyone else know yet?" he asked.

Cecelia shook her head. "Not yet," she said. "You'd better stay quiet."

"Your secret's safe with me," said David. "Is the baby alright? With the crash and everything?"

Cecelia nodded. "I saw a doctor on Monday, and everything looks good. Once I get back to Indianapolis, I'll book another appointment."

"If you need someone to come with you, for moral support, just let me know. I don't want to overstep, but-"

Cecelia smiled graciously at him. "I would really appreciate that. I'll let you know."

"I should head out, I need some rest. I haven't slept much since Sunday," said David. "But congratulations, Cecelia. You'll be a great mom."

"Thank you, David," she said. "And let me know if you need anything. I know I'm a little out of sorts right now, but we can be there for each other."

"I'd like that," said David. "Get some rest, Cecelia. I'll see you later."

David hugged Cecelia before grabbing his breakfast container and exiting the hotel room, leaving Cecelia alone once more.

...

an: hopefully this chapter was at least a little bit happier than the last one, but it only goes uphill(ish) from here! i also apologize for how long this chapter was, but there was no good way to split it into two. have a lovely day! -willow <3