FRANCE

HINDI KO na muling binisita pa si Beatrice. Ang mga araw ko'y naging normal. It's like everything is now the same as it was before she came back. May kaunting pagbabago lang dahil kung ako'y umiiwas kay Beatrice, umiiwas naman si April sa akin. Itinigil ko na ang paghatid-sundo sa kanya noong maramdaman kong gusto niyang umiwas. And I think it's better that way.

Until now, I still can't believe that this is all happening. I can't believe that my relationship with Beatrice has become complicated. I also can't believe that I slept next to April. Napakabilis ng mga pangyayari. Parang kahapon lang, napakasaya namin ni Beatrice at walang makapaghihiwalay sa amin. And these days, I've been avoiding her. Parang kahapon lang, okay pa kami ni April. And these days, she's been avoiding me. I don't like what's happening. Ayokong maging kumplikado ang lahat. I want things to be and remain simple. I believe that the true definition of beauty is simplicity.

Mahirap magpatuloy, ngunit nagpapatuloy ako dahil kailangan. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I should start. Para kasing bumalik ako sa simula. All I know is I have to keep going, no matter how hard it is. Kahit mabigat ang dibdib ko paggising ko sa umaga, bumabangon pa rin ako. Kahit magulo ang isipan ko, iniisip ko pa ring magiging maayos ang lahat. And even though I'm not fine, I act like I am. I show to no one what I really feel and what's going on in my head. Otherwise, what changes are going to happen? Wala.

"France?"

Abala ako sa pagta-type sa aking laptop nang may biglang kumatok at tumawag ng pangalan ko. It's my mother. I try not to roll my eyes. "'Ma, kung pipilitin mo na naman akong magkwento tungkol sa amin ni Beatrice, huwag mo nang gawin. I won't tell anything."

"Lumabas ka diyan, France." I am about to roll my eyes, but she opens the door and adds, "Nandito si Beatrice. Gusto ka niyang makausap."

I freeze, and stare at nothing. It's like everything stops. It's like I can't breathe. She's here. Beatrice is here. And she wants to see and talks to me. Bakit parang nangyari na ito? Yeah, it did. In the past. When we were younger. I swallow hard. Even though I already know why she's here, I still can't help but ask myself that question. Bakit siya nandito? At bakit ngayon lang siya pumunta rito? I don't know if I am just curios or disappointed. What should I feel?

"France, may problema ba? Bakit hindi ka magsabi sa akin?"

I turn my attention to my mother who is already sitting on my bed, in front of me. Isinara ko ang aking laptop habang nag-iisip ng sasabihin. "Everything is fine, 'ma. There's nothing you should be worrying about." I force a smile.

Lumiit ang kanyang mata, at tumitig ang mga ito sa akin. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't look away. "Alam kong may mali. Ayaw mo lang sabihin sa akin."

The smile on my face fades. I almost forgot that she's my mother. Of course, she knows how I think and what's on my mind. She knows everything about me. What do I expect? I don't say a word because I remember what they say, "less talk, less mistake".

She stands up so I have to look up to her. "Tumayo ka na diyan at lumabas. Harapin mo si Beatrice at mag-usap kayo." She turns and starts walking away. And just when I think she's done talking, she adds, "Huwag mong tangkaing gawin ang ginawa mo noon. Hindi pwedeng palagi ka na lang tumatakas." She shuts my door, and she's gone.

I stare at nothing as I absorb what my mother has just said. Of course I can't always escape. I can't always run from the problem. I can't be a coward forever. I close my eyes. But once I'm in front of Beatrice, what am I going to say? Sorry? Sorry because I've avoided you? Will that be enough? I don't think so. And what are we going to talk about? About Evan Ryle Diaz? I hate that man! When I suddenly picture him hugging Beatrice, I want to look for him and punch him right in the face. Bakit ba hindi ko 'yon ginawa noong mismong sandaling nakita ko silang nagyayakapan? Teacher ako, pero parang hindi tumatakbo nang tama ang utak ko.

Nailagay ko ang aking mga kamay sa aking ulo, at halos sabunutan ko na ang aking sarili. I open my eyes, and whispers to myself, "Ano'ng gagawin ko?"

Gusto ko pa sanang muling tumitig sa kawalan at mag-isip, ngunit alam kong hindi na maaari. Beatrice is waiting for me. Hindi ko maaaring paghintayin nang matagal. A queen doesn't wait. Ang reyna ang dapat na hinihintay. Yeah, she's a queen. But she's not my queen. She's someone else's queen. Parang piniga ang aking puso.

I stand up, open my door, and take steps until I reach the living room where I find her and my mother laughing together. That's one of the things I like about my mother. Magaling siyang mang-entertain ng bisita. And it helps. I think it's going to lessen the awkwardness of the air and moment I am about the have with Beatrice. With the one and only Bea Hernandez.

My mother's gaze turns to me when she notices Beatrice look my way. She smiles. "Oh, France. Anak." She stands up and walks to me. "Kausapin mo nang maayos si Beatrice, ha?" she whispers, then she looks at Beatrice, then back at me, and she says, "Mag-usap lang kayo. Iiwan ko na kayo. Maghahanda ako ng meryenda ninyo."

Ang buong atensyon ko'y na kay Beatrice na, at hindi ko namalayang wala na pala si mama sa tabi ko. She looks into my eyes, and so do I. We are now staring at each other like there's no people other than the two of us. It's like everything stops again. It's like the world stops turning, time stops ticking, my heart stops beating, and I stop breathing. I starts to feel the same feeling I always feel every time she's around. Kinikilig ako. Masaya ako. She's the only person who can make me feel this way. Mahal ko nga talaga siya.

Para akong bumalik sa reyalidad noong ngumiti siya. Sinubukan kong ngumiti pabalik. Itinigil ko na ang pagpigil sa aking hininga. And I force my feet to move toward her.

"Beatrice, kumusta?" sabi ko matapos kong makaupo. Good thing my voice doesn't sound shaky. Good thing I don't sound nervous. I thank whoever saves me.

"I'm okay." Her smile is still there. "Ikaw? Are you okay, France?"

I swallow right when she mentions my name. "Um, I'm always fine. Life's good so bakit hindi ako magiging okay, 'di ba?" I take a deep breath and do it in a way she won't notice. "What do you want us to talk about? My mother said to me that you wanted to talk to me that's why you came."

Her smile slowly vanishes, and I start to feel nervous even more. "You know what it is, France," she says. "You've been avoiding me for weeks now. I know there's something wrong. Can you tell what it is?"

I force a laughter. "What? There's nothing wrong, and I'm not avoiding you, Beatrice. I've just been . . . busy. I'm sorry kung naiparamdam ko sa 'yo na iniiwasan kita. But believe me, wala talagang problema sa ating dalawa."

Lumiit ang kanyang mga mata, at tiningnan niya ako sa parehong paraan kung paano ako tiningnan kanina ni mama. That makes me look away. My gaze turns to her hand when it suddenly holds mine. "France, stop hiding the truth. You're not good at lying, you know? Have you forgotten that I'm an actress?"

I look at her face, and shake my head. "Of course, not. Hindi ko nakakalimutang ikaw ang nag-iisang Bea Hernandez. Everyone wants to be you. Everyone loves you. Isa na roon ang lalaking 'yon." I whisper the last six words.

"Sinong lalaki?" kunot-noong tanong niya sabay bitiw sa aking kamay.

"You heard it?"

She nods. "I did. Now tell me, who is this guy you were referring to? Siya ba ang reason kaya iniiwasan mo ako?"

Siya nga talaga si Bea Hernandez. Hindi lang siya maganda, matalino rin siya.

"Walang dahilan kung bakit kita iniiwasan dahil hindi naman kita iniiwasan," sabi ko. "Busy lang ako, Beatrice. That's the truth you're trying to find out."

"No, it's not." She shakes her head. "You lied, and you're lying again. Sabihin mo na sa akin ang totoo, France. Huwag na nating patagalin 'to. Maybe it doesn't kill you, but it kills me. Your absence has been killing me. Please France . . . Let's fix what has to be fixed. Huwag nating hayaang mangyari ulit ang nangyari noon." Binigyan niya ako ng nagmamakaawang tingin.

I stare at those beautiful eyes. This woman in front of me who's got all the beautiful things in life is begging me for an explanation. She's begging me to help her what is needed to be fixed between us. I can't believe it. I don't believe it. And in that moment, I suddenly ask myself the question: Do I really this woman? What do I have to offer? Nothing. And then I suddenly remember the worst thing I did. I slept with someone else. And the worst thing is it's with April, with a friend we both have. We are not in a relationship, but I feel like I cheated on her. What I did is really wrong. Wala na nga akong mai-offer sa kanya, gumawa pa ako ng gano'ng klase ng kasalanan. Ano bang klaseng lalaki ako? Anong klaseng tao ako? I'm the worst.

"I saw you . . ." I look away and add, "With another guy."

"What?"

I look at her, and flash a smile. Hindi ko na kayang patagalin pa ito. Ayoko nang gawin pang mas kumplikado ang sitwasyon kaya't napagdesisyunan kong huwag nang tumakas gaya ng ginawa ko sa nakaraan. I have nothing to offer. I don't deserve her. I slept with another woman. Ayoko nang idagdag pa ang pagsisinungaling o paglilihim sa kanya.

"Noong araw na lalabas dapat tayong dalawa, nakita kitang kayakap ang kilalang celebrity na rumored-boyfriend mo. And that made me jealous. His arms were around your body. But that's not really why I was jealous. It's the fact that you hugged him back." I laugh. "Parang ang babaw, 'no? Siguro nga tama si April, para akong bata." I look down when I remember what happened that night. I feel guilty again.

"No, she's wrong." I lift my head to look at her face. "Hindi ka parang bata, at hindi mababaw ang dahilan mo. Patunay lang 'yon na mahal mo talaga ako."

I stare at her. She's really amazing. She's really got the most beautiful things in life. She has a beautiful face, body, heart and mind. Malawak ang pang-unawa niya. That's one of the reasons why I love her.

I avert my gaze, and say, "Yeah, I do love you, but you don't feel the same. My heart is yours, but yours isn't mine."

"What made you think that?"

I look at her. "Because that's obviously the truth. You don't love me, Beatrice. I just assumed that you did. Noong hinalikan kita sa Cocos Beach, hinalikan mo ako pabalik. So I thought you felt the same. But you didn't. You don't."

She holds my hands, and look into my eyes. Then she shakes her head, and says, "France, I love you . . ." That makes me stares. She continues, "After you confessed to me, I was about to say that I love you too, but you kissed me, so I just kissed you back. That was my response. Didn't you feel how much I love you when I was kissing you? France, I love you. That's the truth. My heart is only yours. I am yours."

I can't believe it. I don't believe it. And so I just stare for a few seconds before I say, "You're joking, aren't you?"

She shakes her head. "I'm not." She puts her palm on my left cheek, and stares right into my eyes. She has the most beautiful eyes. "I love you, France. I'm your queen, and you're my king. I'm for you, and you're for me. What else do you want me to say for you to believe me?"

"Eh, paano si Evan Diaz? Bakit ka niya niyakap? At bakit mo siya niyakap pabalik?"

"You know him." She laughs. "We don't have a thing. Yeah, he has a thing for me, but I don't love or even like him. Ikaw lang ang gusto ko, France. She went to my house to ask me to be his girlfriend, but I rejected him. Then he asked for a hug, so niyakap ko siya pabalik."

"I still don't believe it. It's so hard to believe, you know? Mahal ko ang isang Bea Hernandez, at mahal niya rin ako? That is sooo impossible."

"Nothing is imposible, France," she says. "When I was younger, I thought there was. I thought it was impossible na maging isa akong celebrity. But look at me now. Ako na si Bea Hernandez. Everything is possible. You just have to believe. I love you, France. Believe it."

"Words aren't enough para mapaniwala mo ako." I flash a you-know-what-I-need smile. "Will you give me a kiss? Maybe that'll be enough."

She laughs before she moves her face close to mine. She stares into my eyes for a moment, and moves her lips closer to mine. Before I know it, she's kissing me. I close my eyes, and kiss her back. And I feel the same feeling I felt a while ago. It's like everything stops again. Everything seems so perfect. I love her, and she loves me too. Wala na yatang makakapantay sa ligayang nadarama ko sa mga sandaling ito.

She stops kissing me. And right when she is about to move away from me, I hold her cheeks and kiss her. At first, she doesn't respond to my kisses. But before I end the kiss, she responds. Ito na yata 'yong pagkakataong pinakahihintay ko. 'Yong pagkakataong wala nang hahadlang sa pagmamahalan namin. 'Yong pagkakataong magagawa na naming mahalin ang isa't isa. Kung hindi ito ang pagkakataong 'yon, kailan pa? Hindi ko na kayang maghintay. I want to make her my queen. I want to make her mine. And my wife.

After that kiss, we talk about our relationship status. Sabi niya, sinasagot na niya ako kaya girlfriend ko na siya. Sa mismong sandaling 'yon, sumagi sa isip ko na yayain siyang magpakasal. Pero alam kong kailangan ko munang magdahan-dahan kaya pinalipas ko muna ang mga araw. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ang perfect moment para mag-propose sa kanya, pero dahil doon din naman kami papunta, wala akong balak na magmadali. Ginamit ko ang mga sumunod na araw upang mas mapalapit sa kanya at mas makilala siya. I am soon to ask her to marry me and live the rest of her life with me, so we should be more comfortable in each other's presence. We should get more attached. We should know each other better.

I think everything is perfect until the most unexpected thing comes my way. I am surprised when April sends me a message, saying she has something to tell me. I am so happy, and I think she wants to fix whatever is wrong between us, and so I don't think twice before I go to her house. Bago kami magpakasal ni Beatrice, gusto kong ayusin mo na ang lahat ng kailangan kong ayusin. And after that, everything will be really perfect. Balak ko ring sabihin sa kanya ang plano kong pagpo-propose kay Beatrice.

"May kailangan din akong sabihin sa 'yo, April," nakangiting sabi ko. I don't know how exactly I look, but I'm sure I look like a kid when I say that. I'm just happy, and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Kahit hindi pa ngumingiti si April simula nang dumating ako rito sa bahay niya, masaya pa rin. Kung may problema siya, hindi ko na 'yon problema. But I still hope she'll be okay soon.

"You look so happy, huh." She flashes a smile. I know it's fake. "What is it?"

"Ikaw na ang mauna."

Umiling siya. "Hindi, ikaw na. What you're going to say is obviously a good news so ikaw ang mauna."

Kumunot nang kaunti ang aking noo. Bad news ba ang sasabihin niya? I don't let that ruin the happiness I feel. "Okay na kami ni Beatrice," I start, and her fake smile vanishes. Kahit na gano'n, nagpatuloy pa rin ako, "Malapit na akong mag-propose kay Beatrice. Yeah, this friend of yours is getting married soon. Pumunta ka, ha? Hindi pwedeng wala ka roon. At pwedeng tulungan mo ako sa pagpo-propose sa kanya? Paano ba ako dapat mag-propose? Where is the perfect place? What is the perfect plan?"

"France, malapit ka nang maging isang ama."

My forehead furrows in confusion. "What?"

"France, I am pregnant," she says, and that makes my world stop. "Ikaw ang ama. Nagbunga ang nangyari sa atin."

Because I don't know how to react, I laugh, and say, "You're joking, right?"

She shakes her head, and tears start to stream down her face. She's now crying in front of me. I also want to cry, but I don't. "I'm telling the truth. Nabuntis mo ako, France. Ikaw ang ama ng batang dinadala ko."

I stare at her for a moment. "Ako ba talaga ang ama niyan?" My eyes land on her stomach. "Ako lang ba ang nakasiping mo? Don't get me wrong, pero hindi ko maiwasang magduda. Bakit ngayon mo lang 'to sinasabi sa akin?"

Mas lalo siyang naiyak. "Matagal ko nang alam na buntis ako, France, pero ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na sabihin ito sa 'yo. At hindi kita niloloko. Ikaw lang ang nakasiping ko. Wala akong ibang lalaki. Ikaw ang ama ng anak ko."

After that, I stare at nothing for only-God-knows-how-long. Ang dami kong dapat isipin sa mga sandaling 'yon. I should be thinking why it is happening. I should be thinking about the child, my child. But all I'm thinking of that time is Beatrice. Ano'ng gagawin ko? Paano ko pa siya haharapin? Paano ko ito sasabihin sa kanya? Alam kong kailangan kong sabihin 'yon agad sa kanya. She deserves to know it.

***

WE ARE in front of the beautiful sunset. Beatrice and I are sitting on a green grass as we watch the sun go down. This same scene happened in the past. And even though there is a lot of worries inside my chest, that makes me smile.

It's been three days since April told me that she was pregnant. I still haven't told Beatrice about it. And I know this is the perfect moment.

"Kahit noong mga bata pa tayo, gustong-gusto na kita." Nasa araw pa rin ang kanyang paningin. Mayroong ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. "You were nice, pero iba 'yong pagiging nice mo sa akin. You always treated me the best you could. You always made me feel safe and special. You were simple and kind to me. And that's what made me like you."

Her words break my heart. The way my heart breaks right now is the same way it broke when she said goodbye. Her words are beautiful. They aren't as painful as her goodbye. But they break my heart. They kill me inside. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to feel. I don't know who I should blame. I don't know how to solve this. I don't know the answers.

I force myself to speak. "Since when we were kids, you've been amazing." I smile as I picture her old smile. "Mula pa noon, maganda ka na. Mula pa noon, nasa 'yo na ang lahat. You're beautiful, smart, talented and nice. Alam ko na mula pa noon na malayo ang mararating mo. I knew that you weren't born to stay here. To stay by my side. Alam kong darating ang panahon na aalis ka at iiwan ako."

She looks at me. "But I came back. I'm here right now. I'm right here, sitting next to you."

Nagsimulang mabuo ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Nanunuyo ang aking lalamunan. Pigil ko ang aking hininga. I want to cry. This is the most heart-breaking and worst moment of my life. But I smile, and say, "Yeah, you did. You came back to my side. But you weren't meant to stay. Kapag nanatili ka rito, hanggang dito ka na lang. You were born to fly high. And to shine so bright." I shake my head as I add, "You weren't born to live a simple life like I do. Mas higit ang naghihintay sa 'yo. You deserve more than this."

"But I deserve you, don't I?" I look away. "France, itigil mo na ang ginagawa mo. Stop thinking than I'm more or better than you. Stop looking down on yourself. No one's better. I'm not better than anyone else."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Humble ka talaga."

"Yes, I am. And I have made up my mind." I raise an eyebrow. "I want to stay here. With you. I'm now willing to turn my back to everything to be with you. I'm turning my back to the life of a celebrity. I'm turning back from Bea Hernandez to Beatrice Hernandez. I'm choosing you over everything that I have, France."

That's the moment she's proven that her love for me is genuine. She loves me. So much. That she's willing to turn his back to her life for her. She wants to stay here with me. She wants to live the rest of her life by my side. If I hadn't had April pregnant, it would've been perfect. But everything's gotten complicated now, and it can't be perfect. She can't stay here. And our love story has to end.

I don't know what to say, so I lean in and kiss her. Hindi ko namalayang unti-unti nang bumabagsak ang aking mga luha. I move away from her, turn my back to her, and wipe my face. I look at the sunset in front of us, and say, "I love you, Beatrice. I have loved you since we were kids. Ikaw lang ang laman at nagmamay-ari ng puso ko. But . . . we're not meant to be together. You deserve more than this. You deserve someone better."

"Ano'ng sinasabi mo, France?"

I look at her, and flash a sad smile. "You have my heart. I love you, and I want to live the rest of my life with you. I want us to be together forever. Pero hindi lahat ng gusto natin ay makukuha natin. May mga bagay na kahit alam nating may tsansang mapa-sa atin, hinding-hindi mapapa-sa atin. Bakit? Dahil hindi pwede. Gano'n din ang pagmamahalan natin, at ang kagustuhan kong makasama ka. Gustong-gustong-gusto kong mag-stay ka sa tabi ko at magkasama tayo, pero hindi pwede. Hindi na pwede."

"Of course, we can, France," she says, trying to sound optimistic. "I don't believe in destiny. Let's say we're not meant to be together, but we can be together. We can make it possible no matter how impossible you think it is. We are the ones who create our future. We have the power to make things work the way we want. It's in the palm of our hands. We can have what we want."

"No. We could have it, but now we can't." Umiling-iling ako. "Hindi na pwede. Bawal na. Mali na."

"Paano naging mali ang pagmamahalan natin? Am I a mistake?"

I look into her eyes. "No, you're not. But I don't deserve you. You deserve to have more. I am a failure. I am nothing but a simple man who wants but the simplest things in life."

"And that's the reason why we can't be together? We are different, but I can change for you, France." Her voice becomes shaky. She wants to cry too. "Didn't you hear what I said? I'm turning my back to everything that I have to be with you. I'm willing to do that, France. I don't care kahit mawala pa sa akin ang career, pera at kasikatan ko. Your love is all I want. And that's all I need. Kaya kong mabuhay ng pagmamahal mo lang ang mayroon ako."

"I love you. I want you to stay. I want you to be with me. I want us to be together. But we can't." My tears start to stream down my cheeks. This is the perfect moment. I have to tell her the main reason why we can't be together now. "I slept with someone else, Beatrice. Nakabuntis ako. Nabuntis ko si April."

And that makes her tears stream down her face too. She's crying in front of me. We're both crying. My heart's breaking again. I know this is the end of what we've had.

COME BACK TO MY SIDE
TiffGRa (Tiffany)