Hiroki's P.O.V

I stood on the bridge and looked down at the river underneath, imaging crashing into the water and letting it take over my body, my mind, my life. My life. Something I didn't want anymore, and something I wanted to exchange against Leonora's life. I sighed and leaned on the railing, which was supposed to stop people from falling into the river, whether it was accidental or not. I wondered if I would be able to climb over it. I should be, I wouldn't be the only one to have done that; many people had jumped from this bridge after all. I thought of the bridge in Seoul, with telephones and encouraging sentences all over it. Did it really stop people from jumping? Or was it just there to make the government and society feel like they were trying to lower the suicide rate in the country and that they weren't at fault at all? Personally, I thought it was just there as society's placebo but I my opinion didn't matter. I turned around and looked at the cars and people passing by. Everyone seemed to be busy, to have a goal. And here I was, having run away from my responsibilities and from my choices.

I had run away from my therapist after admitting to her that my suicidal thoughts had come back. I couldn't bear the idea of having her judging me, although I knew that she wouldn't judge me and that she'd just try to help me. She was a good therapist, and I trusted and liked her, but sometimes my fears took over, like now. And that was why I was now here, standing on a bridge and looking at the water below and imagining how it would be if I jumped. I was actually really tempted to do so, but I didn't want to hurt anyone and there were too many people walking around. I didn't want to confirm people in their opinion that suicidal people were attention seekers. It was so wrong to say that. If anything, they were help seekers that didn't get the help they needed. Like Leonora.

She had needed help and protection and I had been unable to keep my promise to protect and help her, and now she was dead and I needed to pay for it, for my betrayal. And I would pay for it, I didn't really know how, but I would pay for it. I rubbed my arms. Maybe that was a good way to punish myself. But was it good enough? Did it entail enough pain? I should pay so much for having betrayed and let down my best friend, and for having hurt my girlfriend, and for having behaved wrongly towards my parents. Was there actually anything that I had done right? Was there anything in my life that I could be happy about? Or was I just a bad person? I didn't know, but I leaned more towards the bad person side. I couldn't see anything at all that I had done right, and I was ashamed of myself, and I was sure I wasn't the only one who was ashamed of me, at least my parents probably were as well.

I looked around once more and leaned a bit more over the bridge. Maybe I could just let myself fall and make it seem like an accident. Like I had seen someone down by the river and I had leaned over to see who it was but leaned a bit too much? Would people fall for that? I sighed again and rubbed my arms once more. They probably wouldn't. Japanese people weren't stupid, my family wasn't stupid, my friends weren't stupid, my girlfriend wasn't stupid. And the people that knew me would expect me to do this. They knew I was unstable in a certain way. And so I didn't lean over too much and just stayed there looking over and imagining falling, image that I actually liked a lot.

I only turned around when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was a young girl, a teenager. She had a mask covering half her face, something which wouldn't be unusual, hadn't her mask had "goodbye" written over it in what seemed a messy handwriting, and not something that would have been produced in a factory. The girl leaned next to me over the railing and looked down.

"Were you going to jump?"

The question surprised me: no one in Japan would talk so openly about suicide. Why was she being so direct? Why was she being so abnormal for a Japanese teenage girl?

"No." It was true, I wasn't going to jump. I was just contemplating how it would be if I jumped.

"You were imagining it, right? How it would be if you jumped, the rush of knowing you are free from your life and from your pain, the feel of the water when you reach it, the pain, the water taking over your senses and your body, your death." She didn't look at me, but I could almost see the look in her eyes when she told me that, the pain there that also showed in her voice.

I didn't bother answering, knowing that she didn't really want an answer. She would know what my silence meant anyway. If she had that much pain in her, she would know.

We stayed there in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts, when she suddenly spoke.

"My sister jumped. That's why when I saw you, I came over and didn't ignore you like all the people that are passing by. It hurts for the living, you know. It hurts way too much for it to be worth it. So don't jump and live, at least for the people that love you."

I looked at her, surprised at what she was saying. It seemed awkward and cold, but when she looked at me, her eyes told another story, a story of pain and betrayal and wanting to do the very same thing her sister had done. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. At this, she seemed to smile a bit, but I couldn't be sure because of the mask, and she took out something from her pocket, which she put in my hand. She then closed my hand over it.

"For protection and good luck."

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Hi there!💖

How are you all? I hope you didn't get too bored while waiting for this chapter..

I had actually finished it a couple of days ago, but I forgot to post it😅 I'm sorry..

Anyway, what did you think of it? I don't know where I went with it, or what I wrote and I don't want to reread myself and see what disaster I wrote at 3am so yeah😅😂

Aaaaanyway, I don't know what to say, so please give me some feedback, and tell me what you'd like to see in this book and what I could do better and what you think and everything you want to say😊

Have a good day/night/evening!💖