Impacts
The love in a friendship... the love in a friendship... the love in a friendship... I repeated to myself as I made my way to the console room.
87 years. That's way too long. Too long of a wait for friendship, too long a wait to start a new one.
By having the Ponds go, I realized something I never realized before. The impact I have on people. Better yet, the positive impact I have on people. In my last regeneration, I was wrong. Completely wrong. Daft even.
That regeneration was my grudge phase. Before that, I wasn't trying to forget about Gallifrey. It had to be done, and I knew I could only keep going. Keep doing what's right. Then I regenerated. And all I could do was regret. My family, my people, completely gone. But it happened. And time keeps moving on.
Now I'm here, and all I do is forget. All the companions I lost, all the people that were killed because of me. Because in my previous regeneration, I thought I lived too long. But I don't. Yet I do. People need me, so living long with that in mind, there's nothing wrong. But when people die on my account... And even if they don't die, they have been impacted by me, and are suddenly without me. Not knowing what to do. But time keeps moving on, and so do they.
And the question is, why can't I? Why can't I move on?
Because impacts go two ways. Amelia and Rory. I will never know if they forgot about me, but I know that they moved on. All they needed was each other, and they were completely fine. And here I am, grieving their death. I impacted them in the right way, and so did they, but then they left. I was impacted by them, and I was suddenly without them. Not knowing what to do. And time moves on. But not in the TARDIS. The TARDIS ran on it's own time, own schedule.
So that's where I hid.
You know, I never wanted to be a soldier. I never wanted to kill anyone. That's why I hate guns. And saluting. I could never be a good soldier, even if I wanted to. So I ran from my problems. But they're never truly gone. I ended the war. I made the decision. The worst soldier of all, ending the biggest war in all of time and space. And that's just the way it was.
The Ponds are gone, and I ran. And ran, and ran, and ran. But time caught with me, they caught up with me. And there was nothing I could do then. Not without ripping the Universe apart. And that's why I ended the Time War, to keep the Universe in existence.
That's all I've been doing my whole life. Running. When am I going to stop?
Just like my past regeneration, these are the times that I feel I've lived too long.
I look up from the floor, realizing I haven't even moved an inch. Too deep in my thoughts to realize anything, I guess. I force myself to move forward, trying to forget what I just thought about. Because all I do is forget.
I tread into the control room. I can barely hear the TARDIS humming. Her hum used to be so loud, so full of life. I wonder what she thinks of me right now. I sat down on a chair beside the controls. I guess I never really thought of the impact I had on her. I never worried about her hum. Not until today. And I will never have to worry about it again. Because I shouldn't be forgetting my thoughts. I should be remembering. One thought in particular; 87 years is way too long to long of a wait for a friendship.
I pulled a control, flipped a switch, and pressed a few buttons. I could hear the humming. The TARDIS was getting confused. Anyone would be.
I walked danced to the other side of the controls, pressing more buttons, flipping more switches. I had no time to explain to the TARDIS what's going on. But I don't think I needed to.
By the time I set the date of where I wanted to go, the TARDIS realized what was happening. I listened as her humming turned from a soft purr to a load roar. The TARDIS was back, and so was I. At least, for now, anyways.
I need another impact. I don't know if I'll be this happy when I land, or if I'll immediately regret it, but I know who I need to see. And it only took me 87 years.
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