How do you find something, if you don't know what you're looking for?

Something you hear all the time, and something that has probably happened to you, is what I'm calling The Lost Effect.

You're searching for something you lost, and you find anything but it. You'll find other things you lost before, things you don't need, and never find that one thing you were looking for. And then later on, one of those things you found before, is one of the things you're looking for. Yet you can't find it, even though you remember where you put it.

The Lost Effect.

But with thoughts, it's even harder. I mean, I can remember everything, but that doesn't mean it comes to me in a snap. Like I said, I'm smart, I'm just slow. Never use my head.

So of course, I know why I chose my name, never cruel or cowardly, to protect and give, but why do I travel? In what context does she mean?

Do I travel because I like adventure?
Because I wanted to see the stars?
Because I got bored?
Did I do something wrong and have to flee, or was I just running from my self?

Why do I travel?

Companions. Amelia, Rory, Martha, Donna, Rose, and many more.

But what about companions?

Is it why I chose them? Or how they impact me?

Probably not the second one, because after they are gone, I don't think about the impacts, I only think how life will be so much harder. How I'll go on adventures and miss their wit or their energy, or how the slightest thought or lowest saying of their name will tear me to pieces. Everyday will get harder, and with every second that passes, the pain will only get worse and worse. And I'll start blaming myself. It's all your fault, Doctor. You can't do anything right. And then I'll get mad at myself for thinking like that. They wouldn't want you to be like this, Doctor. They don't want you to suffer. And then I'll remember the word 'they' and how much they suffered because they died or forgot how important they are. The vicious cycle will only start up again and again, till I can no longer take it. Till I give up. And the thoughts keep coming, keep racing through my brain. I know the Doctor, and I know he'll never give up.

Either that, or, you don't give up. You get a new passion, a new inspiration, and start your life over. But for some people, the thought will never leave, and they'll always know that since they started over, they are leaving behind that past companion. The girl who waited, the woman who forgot. I know moving on means forgetting them, and I don't know what's worse, holding on, or letting go. Thats the problem with letting go, you never know where you'll land. That gives the possibility that where you land could be worse than where you were holding on, and I don't know if I'm ready to take that chance. I've already held on long enough, so long that the slightest things that would make the ordinary person cringe are now just a routine to me.

That's pretty sad. It really is. But it's a routine now, normal life. So, to me, it doesn't seem that bad. For me, it's just everyday life.

Now, back to why do I travel? I never can keep a thought on one thing at a time. Since I can't figure it out, I better source it back to Amelia. Why do I travel, Amelia? How did you influence me to travel? Better yet, how did I influence you?

I must've said something that kept her waiting. For God's sake, she waited twelve years! It must've been something good! Something important to her. What did Amelia want? Think Doctor, think! Think like Amelia?

Okay, I'm a little girl who's lost both her parents due to a crack in the wall. I'm stuck with my aunt who is fine, just fine, and I only have two friends who I can trust. Rory and Melody. I have trust issues, which I why I only have two friends, yet I even only keep them at arms length.

Wow, it is actually not that fun to be in someone else's shoes. It makes you sad, or, in my case, sadder than before. But if I'm going to figure out what she means, I need to keep thinking like her. Amelia, what do you need?

I need something. Not love, not compassion, no. Something more, something to keep me going. Love only brings heartache and sometimes compassion only makes you feel like you could do better, or it just gets annoying after too much of it. I need something to lift my spirits, remind me everything will be okay. Something to show me that what tomorrow brings is something better than yesterday. I know what I need; I need hope.

That's what it is, that's why I told her. When she travels with me, she'll give hope to the greatest painter alive. She'll spread hope. Thats all she ever wanted. Now, how does that apply to all companions? Why I want to travel?

I look around the Ponds room, taking in every little detail in each an every book and cranny. I study the photographs, I take in the smell; I'm searching for answers. I already know I won't find any in here, I knew that since before I started looking. But I know where I can find it.