chapter two - he's head over heels

TRIGGER WARNING: anxiety and panic attacks

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That night, Faith couldn't stop talking about how Ryden and I had hit it off.

"You guys are soooo cute!" she'd say while we sent Snapchats to each other back and forth. I'd just roll my eyes.

Even her little sister came in and informed us that Faith's whole family shipped Ryden and I together. Which made me bang my head against the wall - literally.

"Look, just because we hit it off does not mean we will date in the near future. Or ever, for that matter," I told Faith as we binge-watched HGTV.

Faith just smiled a bit. "Sure, whatever you say. But you should know something...."

I turned and looked at her. "What?"

I was preparing myself for another "y'all are so cute" comment, or something of the sort. But what popped out of her mouth was something I certainly would never had expected.

"Ryden's dating someone else."

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My head spun with the new information. He was so obviously flirting with me - right? Oh, God, had I imagined the whole thing?

Faith went on, telling me about a girl named Kylee, and how they had been together for quite a while - almost a year, in fact. But I wasn't listening. I couldn't listen.

I silently fretted for a bit more, and then the realization came to me.

It was one night.

You've known him for a few HOURS.

He. Is. Not. Yours.

And you sure as heck aren't his.

So I decided to let it go. All of it.

It was just a night. And he's head over heels for Kylee.

My expression became cool, my mind became clear.

But my heart still held the feelings, and refused to let go. So I forced them deeper, to a place that I promised myself I would never visit again.

When Faith asked me if I was okay, I told her that I had decided to keep Ryden as a friend and to forget about us being any more than that.

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The Friday after, I was walking around in Target scrolling through social media. It was my turn to do the grocery shopping, so I was obviously bored.

I came across a picture of Ryden and a gorgeous girl. She had dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin - everything I didn't. Her hair was wavy and went down to the middle of her back.

The caption read: "happy anniversary my beautiful kylee! i can't wait for another amazing year with you. xx ryden"

She's stunning, I thought, and I felt the pains in my heart again. She's stunning... and she's everything I'm not.

I did some more searching and found her Instagram. She went to Pilington and she was in the same grade as Ryden. She was petite and tiny and on at least 5 different athletic teams....

This is his type. Of course he doesn't like you. Why are you so stupid?

I turned off my phone. I then sighed, ignored my feelings, and kept grocery shopping. I had grabbed a carton of milk when it hit me.

The stress, the panic, the anxiety....

He's surrounded by hundreds of different girls all day...why would you stand out?

You're not small and petite and athletic and exotic. You're tall and whiter than the driven snow.

He obviously likes girls who have their life together. Why would you tell him that you didn't have yours together when you'd only known him for an hour?

You aren't good enough. Face it, Jocelyn, you'll never be good enough.

I sat there in the middle of the hallway and tried to force my thoughts away. I rested my head on my knees and reminded myself to take deep breaths, just like Dr. Reynolds had taught me to do. One....two....three.... exhale....

He probably just thinks of you as some sort of little sister.

I dug my nails into the palms of my hands. "Jocelyn, stop it," I whispered to myself. "You are better than this. It's okay that you don't make everyone happy. It's okay that you aren't perfect. It's okay that you aren't Kylee..."

I was cut off by the voice of a small child. "What are you doing?"

I looked up and faced a young boy, maybe six years old.

Calm down, Jocelyn.

"Just.... taking a break from grocery shopping," I answered.

"Why?"

If there's anything I hate in this world, it's people asking me "why". Especially when it's small children. I don't handle small children well.

"Because my feet were tired."

"Why?"

Agitation started to rise up my throat. C'mon, keep it together, Jocelyn...

"Because I walk on them all day."

"Why?"

That's when an invisible force took the reins, and I got up and yelled something, I don't even know what, but all I can remember is the child's face with the most terrified look on it. And his words...

"Please, stop! You're scaring me!" he cried out, and then he ran off to who knows where.

I stood there for a while, stunned.

I can't control it....

Tears started trickling down my face. Something was rising up in my chest and strangling me and I needed to leave, I needed to get out of there.

I abandoned my cart and locked myself in the bathroom.

See? No one will ever love you. Who wants to love a girl who has panic attacks and screams at innocent children in the middle of Target?

I sank to the floor and started to sob.

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My mom picked me up from Target later. I was still anxiety-ridden. I couldn't talk.

"Honey, you know it's just your own thoughts that are causing this, right? No one else wants this for you," she had said in the bathroom, brushing a piece of stray hair off of my face.

But my thoughts are stuck in my head. They're always there, and I can't control them....that's the problem.

Later, in the car. "I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Reynolds. Is that okay?"

I nodded as something else broke inside of me. I hadn't seen my therapist in five months, and my goal was six. I couldn't even keep it together enough to reach a silly goal like that and make myself happy.

What will I ever be good for? Why am I even here?

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"Welcome, Jocelyn. Please, have a seat," Dr. Reynolds motioned me in.

I sat down on the familiar gray couch in the bedroom-sized office. It was Monday afternoon - two days since the episode - and I still couldn't get myself to talk. I hadn't been this bad since the beginning of the "GT Fake" thing.

"So, it looks like you've had another episode," Dr. Reynolds stated. I studied her, those familiar gray eyes and her soft, friendly face. She was the only person who knew everything and couldn't tell anyone. Which is why she was the only person on the earth I completely trusted.

"You were doing so well," she sighed, ruffling through her notes. Then she looked back up at me. "What happened, Jocelyn? What triggered this?"

I relaxed into the couch. I stared at the ceiling, and I finally let my mouth open. "Well, about a week ago, I met this.... guy. Of course, referring to him as 'this guy' doesn't sound right to me, because he's way more than just a guy...."

I told Dr. Reynolds about everything, not caring if I babbled or not. Some people hate their therapists, but it seemed like a pretty good deal to me. I could tell her anything and everything, and as long as I wasn't planning on harming myself, she couldn't tell anyone. Literally couldn't, thanks to the law. And she offered good advice - advice that actually made sense to me and my insane brain.

"When I saw that picture of him and Kylee, the thoughts just started up again. And I tried the self-coaching, but a child approached me, and... you know how I am with children."

Dr. Reynolds smiled. "Yes, you don't know how to handle them, et cetera. Which I still think you'll grow out of. I did."

I rolled my eyes. "Anyways, I lost control - I kinda blacked out. And then the child ran away, and then I locked myself in the bathroom."

I looked back at her, feeling desperate. "My question is... who is in control? Certainly not me, and I really want to be...."

"Perhaps that's the problem, Jocelyn," she stated. "Excuse me for interrupting, but... sometimes it's best just to let go. If you let go of your need to control, maybe everything will fall into place."

I considered her words. "But... I can't, Dr. Reynolds. I just can't!"

She smiled again, a knowing one. "Maybe you can, and you just won't let yourself realize it."

I sighed and bit my lip.

"Now, as for those attacks, let's try some different phrases and breathing exercises."

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On Thursday, while sitting in my room watching Netflix, I got a Snapchat from Ryden.

Other than nightly and morning Snapchats to keep up our streak, I'd kept my distance from him. The new exercises had been working, but I didn't want to take my chances. Getting too infatuated with a guy who has a beautiful girlfriend and is happy wasn't in my schedule, especially if the guy's actions gave me panic attacks.

I opened the Snapchat and saw a picture of a laptop with a Youtube music video playing on it.

The caption was: "You should listen to this song. It's by the same artist that was playing at Faith's party when I dragged you to the dance floor... ;)"

A fury rose up in me as I stared at the caption until the ten seconds were up. If he has a girlfriend, and he's happy, why would he keep flirting with me like this?

I sent him a single message back:

"Call me. We need to talk."

My phone rang no more than a minute later.

"Hey, what's up? Did you want me to hear your reaction to the song? It's a good one!" he answered, all happy, always on the edge of laughter.

"No. What I want to know is why you flirted with me at the party - and keep doing so - when you have a girlfriend," I snapped.

"Oh.... that." There was a sigh, and then silence.

I waited until he spoke.

"Look, Jocelyn, there must've been something in the air that night -"

"Something in the air?!!!" I shrieked as everything in my heart sank.

"Listen to me! I'm sorry, I really am. And I love my girlfriend. I don't know why I flirted with you so much or why I held your hand."

God, that was even worse. "You... don't... know... why..." I slowly repeated, sinking onto my bed and putting my head in the hand that wasn't preoccupied with the phone.

"But you know what I do know? I do know why I listened to you talk about your hobbies and why you don't like your school, and I do know why I abandoned the cake for you. I do like you, Jocelyn. I really do want to be friends."

I lay down on my bed, suddenly having an extreme headache come on. "Okay. Then we'll be friends."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"I don't know, you made it sound like you... wanted to be more than friends..." I chalked up the hope in his voice to my imagination.

"We sound like middle schoolers," I snapped. "And no, I was just concerned for your girlfriend. You two seem so happy together. I don't want one night, especially if there was just something in the air, to ruin you two."

"But, Jocelyn-"

"Ryden, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm busy. Bye, I hope to see you soon!" I finished with a bit of fake happiness.

Then I ended the call and went back to watching Friends. I lost myself in Ross and Rachel's drama and tried not to think about my own.

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Snapchat from Ryden✨
please talk to me Jocelyn

Snapchat from Ryden✨
i didn't want our conversation to end like that

Reply:
I think it's best if I don't talk to you for a few hours... I'm sorry, Ryden, but I just need some time to process everything that you said.

*Snapchat Delivered*

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New Message
from Faith💖
Sorry to hear about your recent episode... I hope you feel better soon! I know something that'll take your mind off of it all: wanna go to the movies tomorrow night with Ryden, Andrea, Raylel, and I? It's gonna be funnnn!

Reply:
Sure! What time?

*Message Delivered*