When Josh finally makes it to their house, they unlock the door in a hasty manner, passing by everyone as soon as they're inside. They're just crying, and crying, and crying. It's all they feel like doing, so of course everyone is concerned when they see this, as well as Josh rushing up the stairs and into their bedroom.

They throw their bag aside, not even giving themself time to take off their shoes before they're getting onto the bed and curling into a ball, sobbing louder than they ever have.

Like they're in pain.

Which, it feels like they are. In every way.

Josh can't even catch when, but Abby and Ashley-- maybe their mom, too-- all come into the room, trying to see what's wrong.

Of course they get nothing out of them. Laura runs her hand in circles on Josh's back, shushing them, while Abby and Ashley both are attempting to get any answer from them. It's no use. They're an absolute blubbering mess, and it's to the point where their head is so clouded they can't tell who's taking off their shoes for them. Jordan? Their dad?

Who knows.

"Just leave him alone, girls." Bill pipes up.

Josh knows who it is now, but that's not the thing their mind focuses on. Instead of feeling any better, any comfort, they're sobbing louder, more merciless, thinking that maybe if they scream, they would pass out.

"Did Tyler do something?" Abby wonders.

"What did I just say!" Bill scolds. "Leave him alone. Let your mom help him."

Josh screams, then.

They scream, horrifically, and they can't even worry about what anyone else is thinking. They scream, thinking that they might have made the wrong choice by coming back. They scream, shoving their face into pillows and getting as little oxygen as possible. They scream, not able to notice the way their parents are rushing out questions, asking them to breathe.

They scream, and before they know it, they pass out.

***

When Josh wakes up, they're delirious. They blink their eyes open, hand slowly moving to wipe the sweat off of their forehead, groaning at anything and everything.

"Josh, baby?"

It's their mom.

Josh sighs.

She brushes their hair out of their face, and once Josh finally opens their eyes, they look up at her tiredly, head in her lap. Laura smiles with only her lips, a washed look in her eyes when staring down at them. There's so much to say, ask, but there's also so much hesitance along with that.

"Are you feeling any better?" She wonders, softly.

Josh gulps. "I'm fine." They whisper.

Laura shakes her head. "You're not allowed to say that after what happened."

Josh tugs at the neckline of their shirt, feeling so unbelievably hot. "What time is it?"

"Just past noon." She replies. It has been a couple of hours. . . Maybe they just needed to sleep, though. Relax. Get their mind off of what it had been stressing over. Even if they did pass out from being overwhelmed, Josh is positive it was the only way out of that situation without upsetting anyone else.

Thankfully, they're still in their room, and thankfully, everyone else has left them alone.

"Can you tell me what happened, sweetie? I haven't seen you that upset in. . . God, I can't even remember." She runs her fingers through Josh's tangled, sweaty curls, probably noticing how long they have become over time, but not mentioning it.

Josh shakes their head. "It's nothing."

Laura doesn't seem pleased. "Josh, don't say that. I know that's not true." She exhales headfully. "What happened."

They close their eyes, unable to meet their mother's stare any longer. "Tyler and I were arguing. I was just being dramatic, don't worry." Their Adam's apple bobs at the thought of why they were arguing, trying to brush it off as much as possible even though every time Laura touches their hair, their heart beats faster.

"I have to worry, honey. You're my son." A bullet wound. "Can you tell me what you were arguing about?"

Josh wants to cry again. "I'm okay." They croak out, biting their lip to refrain themself from acting on their sadness, their immaturity.

Laura sighs in response, seeming to understand she isn't going to get anything from them.

There's some silence, some thoughts, and when Josh finally opens their eyes again, Laura cocks her head. "Were you wearing makeup?" She holds onto their cheek, moving their face around to look.

Josh can throw up. Maybe they will. The rush of panic that flows through them is painful, and immediately, they're flushing, making their whole body even more hot than it already was. For a moment, they're unable to get a single thing out, it's only an agape mouth with a lack of words.

Think of something, fast.

"Tyler had a field day with me." They mutter, and as soon as it comes out, it just sounds wrong. They're blushing even more, hiding their face behind their hands. "Not-not like that, Mom. Sorry. No. No." Yes. "He just was messing around with his mom's shit and used me like a--"

That's not any better.

Laura can't help but laugh. "Okay, Josh. It's fine."

They groan into their hands.

Laura pulls her fingers out from their hair, relaxing a little more. "For the record, I already know." She suddenly states. "You didn't leave with all those hickeys."

Josh wants to sink through the bed and never be seen again. It feels like the best option, definitely. They don't move their hands away from their face either, far too embarrassed to look their mom in the eye right now. Too ashamed. Guilty.

"God," they moan in distress.

"You're being safe, right? You better be, Josh, I swear, if I'm letting you go to your boyfriend's and you two aren't--"

"We are! We are!" Josh rolls over until they're able to move off of her lap and instead shove their face into pillows. "Please, let's stop talking about it." They mumble although it's barely audible.

Laura sighs. "Tell me what's wrong, then. Actually."

Josh shakes their head. "No. It's between him and I."

It really isn't, but Josh is always in denial. Always.

Laura sighs another time-- what if she's already dissapointed in them? Josh feels themself shrink at the thought. They're losing her without having to expose the one thing that can ruin it all. Fuck. What did they do wrong?

"Fine." She whispers. Her weight is lifted off the bed as she stands up, slowly making her way towards the door. Josh turns to their side to look at her once again, throat tight, Adam's apple feeling thick, restrained. The two of them simply stare at one another for a moment, and Josh easily notices her concern while she's holding onto the doorknob. "You know you can tell anything, right? I know I'm your mom, and some stuff feels weird to say. . . But I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what. That's my job. You know that, yeah?"

It's like she looked into their soul and said what Josh has been hoping for in return for months on end.

They clear their throat, feeling uneasy. "Yeah." They murmur.

Laura nods. "You may not feel comfortable telling me now, but if you do, I'm here for you, Josh. And so is your father. And your siblings." Is there an underlying message or is Josh only paranoid? They sink further into their bed, eyes widening subtly. "We love you, and we always will."

Josh hopes their frantic state of mind isn't obvious. They're freaking the fuck out.

"I love you guys, too." They whisper.

Laura examines their frame, seeing it shake slightly. "Rest, now. You really scared all of us earlier. Please don't ever scream like that again."

Josh is going to cry. They know now. "Sorry." They croak out.

Laura nods, opening the door. "Tyler has been blowing up your phone, by the way." She mentions, about the walk out, but Josh snaps their attention back to her.

"You-you didn't read anything he texted, right?"

Laura pauses, eyebrows furrowing a little. "No, sweetie."

Josh feels like they can breathe just a little bit better. They close their eyes, leaning their head back, nodding. "Okay." They exhale. "I love you." Maybe it's dumb, but all they can think afterwards is please say it back, and please mean it. They're so vulnerable, so needy, so terrified.

Laura smiles. "I love you too."

She walks out after that, closing the door behind her.

Immediately, tears fall down Josh's cheeks. They inhale, taking into account what might of just happen, exhaling with a sob. They shake their head out of pure panic, reaching for their phone beside them on the bed. Josh can't help but feel a twinge in their chest when seeing over five missed calls from Tyler, and numerous texts.

i'm sorry.

please come back.

i didn't mean to upset you angel, you know that.

do whatever makes you the most comfortable. that's the only thing that will ever matter to me, and i'm sorry if it seemed like that's not true.

i know it's a hard subject for you to talk about. i don't blame you for being upset, i know it's all my fault. i guess i really don't understand what it's like to come out, especially as gender-fluid, so i have no room to speak about it. i thought that overtime something would finally give you the courage to tell your mom and dad, and i really thought buying you your dress was exactly that. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i can't say it enough.

if you're not comfortable telling them until we live on our own together, and have jim, that's okay.

if you're not comfortable telling them at all, that's okay too. as long as you're happy.

Josh isn't happy though. God, they're so fucking miserable it's traumatizing. When they're home, they spend most of their time in their bedroom on any day that isn't blue because they can't stand being played as someone else. They can yell if they wanted to, point at their wrist and shout what it means, but they won't. Being ashamed of themself is more terrifying than hiding themself.

Yet, hiding themself, they're ashamed, too.

It seems as though any solution is none.

Josh is stuck.

They cry more, reading through the rest of Tyler's messages. It's not until they get to the last one where the panic settles in seconds, real, pure panic.

i see you reading these, please answer me.

It was sent an hour ago.

Josh wasn't up an hour ago.

Josh didn't read those messages.

Like the Titanic, their heart is impaled, sinking. Fear floods their system imitating ice cold water, and before they know it, they're hyperventilating faster than anyone on that ship was able to do CPR.

Josh's first response is to find the answer. No matter how frail their body feels, how unclear their conscience is, they're jumping out of bed, throwing the door open. They look left and right, pulse deafening them the longer they stand still.

Just when they're about to move, Ashley comes up the stairs, on her phone, but looks up with a smile when seeing Josh.

"Hey, are you feeling any better--"

"Where's Mom, Ashley. Where's Mom?" They rush out, gasping for breath at this point.

Ashley furrows her eyebrows. "She's in the livingroom. . . Are you okay--"

Josh doesn't stay long enough to listen. In the blink of an eye, they're rushing down the stairs, into the the livingroom where both Laura and Bill are watching TV. Josh doesn't care anymore. They see her, and a fire burns in their chest. Not because of anxiety, but because they're furious. And this fury comes from a place of absolute insecurity.

"You lied to me!" They scream.

Laura is frozen. "What?"

"You--" Josh whimpers, wiping their tears away pathetically. "You lied to me! You read the texts! You saw! You know!"

It can't be real. The words are coming from their mouth, but Josh wishes it was all fake. Laura can't know. She can't. Josh needs to keep this secret until it's impossible to-- there's no way that time has come so soon. No. No. This isn't real.

Laura pauses the show, standing up. She walks towards them, carefully reaching out to place a hand on their shoulder, but Josh pulls away.

"Stop! Please!" They're getting dizzy, sick. They might need to throw up.

Laura frowns. "Josh, I. . . I have no idea what you're talking about. I swear I didn't look at anything on your phone." Her hand shakes away, not wanting to upset them even more than they already are.

"I know you did! Stop lying to me!" Josh is trembling. "You were in my room the whole time, weren't you? You're the only one that could have seen them! You know! You know!" Josh comes to the realization painfully. As soon as it hits them, their breath stutters, eyes widening. "You know I'm-I'm. . ."

They cry so hard nothing else comes out besides their sobs, and they cry harder when their dad gets up from the couch and joins them. He doesn't try to touch them like Laura does, the two of them simply talk with their eyes while Josh crumbles.

Laura clears her throat. "Josh, I. . . I didn't read them." This is bullshit. Why does she insist on lying? "I was with you the majority of the time you were asleep to make sure you'd take care of yourself when you woke up, but, um, I did leave for a little while to make everyone lunch."

No.

"Someone else must've read them." Bill murmurs, his voice cracking slightly. "And it wasn't me, either."

No.

Laura sighs. "Jordan, Abby, Ashley! Get in here right now!"

No.

"No, no, no!" Josh's fingers slip into their hair, pulling at it while dropping to the floor. This isn't real. Laura doesn't know, Bill doesn't know. Jordan? Abby? Ashley? They don't know, either. No way. Of course not. "No, no, no!" Their mind spins, acid coming up in their stomach.

"Josh, stand up, please." Bill voices. "It's okay. It's okay."

"Nothing is okay!" They yell.

They rock back and forth, barely blinking, entire body in shock.

"We're right here with you. Just breathe. You need to breathe." He crouches down to their height, grabbing their hands to move them away so they can't pull at their hair anymore. He leans forward and kisses Josh's forehead. "It's okay."

Josh can't stop crying.

They realize quickly that this might be the last time they will ever get affection like this. The real kind. The authentic kind.

At the thought, they're shoving their face into their father's chest, wrapping their arms around him and holding tightly until their fingers are digging into his skin. They sob. Terrified. "I--" inhale. "I--" inhale. "I love you so m-uch." They can't let go now, not when Bill holds them back and acts as though they're an infant again. He'd probably even cradle them if he could. "Please, please," they whimper. "Please don't stop loving me back."

Bill shakes his head. "I'd never." He whispers. "What makes you think--"

Before he's able to finish, Josh's siblings come into the room. All nervous, all scared.

Bill still doesn't let Josh go.

"Who was it." Laura demands.

The confusion written across their faces is absurd.

Abby blinks, fiddling with the end of her shorts. "Who was what?" She wonders after a moment.

Laura has her arms crossed over her chest, lips pursed, head tilted. "One of you read through Josh's messages while I was making lunch." She states. The reality of it is what makes the tears so much more intense. "That's not okay. Whoever it was needs to say so, right now. Please."

When the silence takes over another time, Bill finally helps Josh off the floor. They stand with weak knees and a heavy heart, feeling exposed, vulnerable. Someone knows.

Someone who is looking right back at them knows their biggest secret.

Someone who is looking right back at them ripped the bandaid off.

"Are you kidding me?" Laura is flabbergasted.

Jordan's subtly-showing Adam's apple bobs, pulling his beanie down a little further. "Uh. . . What are you gonna do to the person who did it?"

Bill has an arm around Josh's shoulders. "Well, whoever it is needs to apologize right now, because Josh has worked himself into a fucking frenzy over this. It's the least you can do."

Jordan's eyebrows pull together naturally. Josh notices the way his chest is moving up and down frantically unlike anyone else's. "Josh, I'm sorry," He finally blurts out.

Josh feels like death has pulled them down by their ankles.

They don't know what else to do besides turn in their father's hold and cry into his side, thinking that this is one sick nightmare to be having when things were going so well. Well enough, at least.

Laura shakes her head. "Why!" She exclaims.

Jordan frowns. "Because. . ." He sighs. "Because I wanted to know what happened, and, well, I knew Tyler would have known. I don't have his number so I just thought I would call from Josh's phone but then I saw all the messages he sent and--" he glances to Josh, the guilt obviously tearing him apart. "And I saw what happened. What. . . What they were fighting about. . ."

Josh is waiting to wake up.

Any second now.

Please.

"Jordan, you shouldn't have done that." Laura whispers.

"I know that now! I didn't think-- I don't know!"

"If you knew, well, why didn't you tell us then? Why'd you keep it to yourself?" She wonders. Why? Why is she wondering that? Has this happened before? No. No. It couldn't have. Josh is just paranoid, their mind is looking for anything to grasp besides the actual situation.

"Because. . . That would be crappy of me. I already feel bad that I know now. It's something he should've told us when he's ready-- wait, sorry, I don't know. Josh. God. I'm sorry." Jordan's nerves eat away at him, along with Josh themself.

They only shake their head, still not looking at anyone.

There's a pause.

"Josh, sweetie." Laura starts.

Stop.

"Can you tell us what it is?" She wonders gently, fingers soothing down their back.

Stop.

"It seems a little pointless to keep it from us now." She tries, she really does, but Josh wants none of it. They never would have thought this time would come so soon. Not when Tyler isn't by their side to calm them down, or while they're still living in the same house.

Josh shakes their head. "No." They croak out.

Jordan sighs. "Just tell them. It's okay, Josh. They're aren't going to not accept you-- I'm not, either."

Josh feels like a broken record. Skipping over a line, repeating another. They shake their head again.

Laura pulls their head out from Bill's side. "Honey, whatever it is, it's okay. I promise. Just take a few deep breaths and say it." She assures.

Josh sniffles, wiping their nose while their eyes scan Laura's, then Jordan's, then Ashley's, and Abby's, and finally, their father's. They're stuck once again, but in another way. Whether there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not, it's unclear, and all Josh wishes for is Tyler's hand. He'd tell them how well they were doing already, just being able to stand here and look them in the eye, or how he's positive no one under this roof will treat them any differently once the truth is out. Then he would follow it up by saying besides accepting and supporting the real you, of course, and Josh would smile. Wait, no, they're smiling now. It fades away quickly though, yet that moment of reassurance is what Josh breathes in and out, takes it for desert.

"I'm gender-fluid." They whisper.

Death still has a tight grip on them while they stand there, because the response is unclear.

Bill blinks. Laura does too. And maybe Ashley and Abby-- it seems simultaneous.

Laura continues rubbing up and down Josh's back after a moment, nodding. "Okay." She gets out.

Josh's eyebrows furrow. "Okay?"

Laura brushes a strand of their hair back. "Josh, sweetie, it's a parent's job go be on top of these things. We've thought you were a girl, maybe, but we were definitely right about something. Your dad and I have known for a long time it wasn't just you liking boys." She gives a careful smile, Josh is flushed. "I. . . I can't say I really know what that is, but no matter what it is, that's okay. As long as you explain it to us, and that you're happy."

Josh can cry for a whole other reason.

Fuck Tyler for being right.

"You. . . You knew. . .?" They ask quietly.

Laura shrugs. "To an extent."

"Why didn't you ask me about it, then?" They wonder, too many thoughts rushing to their head at once.

"Because, coming out should be something you do on your own." Laura states. "Even though this was provoked by someone," she glances to Jordan; he smiles nervously. "I'm so proud of you. Okay? Don't cry anymore. You're alright."

Josh nods, brushing their fallen tears away.

Bill's grip at their shoulder tightens. "Don't be scared. You're safe with us." He looks to Josh's siblings. "Right?"

Abby, Jordan, Ashley, they all nod.

Josh has never felt safer. Free. Alive. They can't help the tears as the continue falling, a smile eating away at their face. They bring their parents into a tight hug, rubbing their nose on their father's shirt, getting snot on it, but he doesn't mind. "Thank you." They whisper. "Thank you, thank you."

Bill and Laura both kiss the top of their head. "Thank you for telling us."

They pull away, breathing in, breathing out. The difference this time is that it feels like they can actually breathe. Josh is only just now recognizing that they were restraining themself from this the entire time.

"You said you and Tyler were arguing." Laura suddenly mentions. "Does he. . . Does he not accept you? Because, if that's the case, I don't think--"

"No. No." Josh can laugh. The irony. "We, um. . . We were arguing because he was telling me how he thinks I should've told you guys soon. I got really upset with him." They murmur.

God, Josh needs to talk to him now.

"He accepts me, believe me." Josh swallows thickly. "He was the only person who knew, for a long time. We ended up telling his mom too."

"Kelly knows?" Bill asks.

Josh nods. "Kelly knows."

He looks shocked.

Laura steps forward at that, holding onto their arm. "Can you tell us everything? I'd like to understand, too."

Josh's anxiety is still at a high. Nonetheless, they nod. "Yeah. But, um, can we do it, just you and dad? I just--" they glance to their siblings. "Having everyone around is scary and I'm feeling really anxious right now--"

"Of course, baby." Laura smiles, squeezing their arm.

Josh exhales out of relief. "Okay." Josh looks to their parents. "Can we go to my room?"

They both nod, so with that, they're slowly making their way upstairs. Of course not until Josh hugs each one of their siblings and thanks them repeatedly, which they all just hug them tighter because of, but afterwards, they move to their bedroom.

It's a little awkward at first, no one really knowing where to sit, but Laura and Bill stay at the end of the bed together, so Josh sits against the headboard.

After being there in complete silence for a moment, their eyes suddenly widen when it hits them that this is real. It isn't so much a nightmare like they assumed it would be, it's more like a dream. Their parents just accepted them without any hesitance, their parents are asking them for clarity, their parents still love them.

"Josh, are you okay?" Bill asks.

Josh blinks a few times. "I. . . I can't believe that I. . . I told you." The tears have stopped falling, thankfully, but it already feels like they might come back at this realization. "I didn't think I would tell you until I moved out. . . Or maybe ever. . . Oh, my god. You know now. Oh, my god."

Laura tangles her fingers with theirs. "Hey, breathe."

Josh nods. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay."

"You don't have anything to worry about. The hard part is over now." Bill mentions, and he's so right.

The hard part is over.

Josh did it. They really, really did it.

All those years they spent keeping it a secret only to say it and be accepted so simply is humiliating, but past that, they're proud of themself. They actually came out. Something they weren't sure they would ever do. Not only did they come out, but the response was more than they could ever wish for.

Josh is fucking overwhelmed.

"Um," they croak out. "I-I don't know where to start."

Laura nods, then looks down at their wrist. "Do the bandanas have anything to do with it?"

Josh stares at her. "What the hell," they say. "Why do you-- how do you know so much already?"

She purses her lips into a small smile. "You bought them with birthday money. I don't know any other kid who would buy bandanas with birthday money." She pauses, but continues when realizing that's not an explanation. "When I asked you why you bought them, you got all flushed and said you just liked the way they looked. Josh, you're such a bad liar."

They sigh. "So you know that I put the makeup on myself," they murmur, going back to that because they haven't stopped thinking about it.

Laura nods. "Yes."

Josh glances at their father after that, feeling strange. They can't help but wonder if he feels like he failed raising him, because what father wants to see their son sneaking around femininity?

Though, he doesn't seem to mind.

"Kelly let's me wear her makeup when I'm feeling. . ." They swallow thickly. "When I'm feeling purple."

"When you feel purple?" Laura gets out.

Josh sighs, getting up from the bed. They let go of their mother's hand and move over to the duffel bag they brought to Tyler's, pulling out all of the bandanas. Purple, blue, pink, white-- Josh is wearing the green one. They walk back over to the bed and lay each of them out in front of their parents.

They point to the purple one. "Purple is when I feel. . ." They're blushing, embarrassed? This is difficult. "Really feminine. Like, um. . . a girl." Tears start welling in their eyes; Laura grabs their hand and kisses the back of it.

"It's okay. You're doing so well."

Josh exhales, nodding. They look back down at the bandanas. "I prefer using the pronouns to fit that when I'm, uh, purple." They mutter, having to confess this to their parents making everything surreal.

"She and her?" Bill wonders.

Josh looks at him, trembling. "Yeah." They whisper. "Is-is that okay?"

Bill nearly frowns. "Josh, you don't have to ask if your feelings are valid."

"I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable. . ." They say softly, almost inaudibly.

Bill shakes his head. "You don't have to worry about that. All that matters is that we make sure you're not uncomfortable." He gives them a careful smile; it's so sincere. "Your feelings and thoughts don't affect us negatively, ever. Okay? So don't worry."

Josh has to close their eyes and bask in it for a moment. This blooming feeling in their chest is remarkable, unbelievable. They're still struggling to comprehend all of this is real.

Laura touches their side for a moment. "Keep going,"

They snap out of if, nodding.

They look back down at the bandanas and point to the blue one, breathing out. "This is he/him. Masculine." They move on to the pink, deciding blue is easier for them to grasp. "This one is just kind of when I feel all of them at once. I don't know. It sounds weird, and I don't really know how to explain it, but it makes sense to me."

Kelly stares, blinks, processes it.

Josh curls their toes when she looks up to them again. "What pronouns do we use then?"

Their heart swells and beats all at once, lips turning upwards. "Any is okay."

She nods. "And the white one?"

"That ones just kind of. . . Neutral. Does that make sense?" The look on their parent's face says it all. "I just mean that, um, usually pronouns matter a lot to me, but on days like that I feel alright with whatever. I know it sounds the same as pink, but it's not, believe me. I-I don't know how to explain the difference to you; it's how I feel."

Laura nods, and it's okay. Yeah.

"What about the one you're wearing right now?" Bill wonders.

Josh flushes a little. "Oh,"

Noticing the apprehension, Laura pulls Josh back down onto the bed and places a hand on their shoulder, rubbing it. "It's okay. You can tell us."

Josh bites the inside of their lip. "Green is when I feel like neither." They state, and before the confusion can set, they continue. "I use they/them pronouns. I don't feel like a girl, or a boy, or both at the same time."

"They/them?" Bill murmurs.

Josh nods.

He crosses his arms, humming. "I've never heard of that."

Laura chuckles. "Times are changing, honey."

Josh can't help but smile. They hold onto their mom's hand, leaning into her touch, sighing. They are so relieved to know they're still going to be able to do this, and that they're still going to feel like part of the family despite their differences.

"We're going to try our best, Josh. Promise." Bill assures.

Josh's grin speaks volumes.

"Is there anything else we should know?" Laura asks.

Josh nods in return, sitting up a little straighter. "You don't have to worry if you mess up. I. . . I understand. It's asking for a lot, I know. I just," they suck their bottom lip momentarily. "Thank you for listening to me. And. . . And treating me like your kid, still."

Laura leans forward to kiss their shoulder. "Of course." She whispers. "So, should we stop referring to you as our son? At least on days that aren't," she looks down at the bandanas. "Blue."

Josh swallows thickly. "If it's not too much to ask for."

She holds their cheek, cherishing them, relishing in their existence. It's so, so good. "It's never too much. We'll do whatever makes you most comfortable."

They keep smiling. "Thank you." They whisper. "And just in case you were wondering, it doesn't always change every day. It sometimes stays one color for a while. Like, right now I'm green, and I don't know how long it's gonna be like that, but if you can try to use the right pronouns. . . I'd really, really appreciate it." That reminds them. "Also, uh, if by any chance you don't know how I'm feeling one day, like, I'm not home, or I'm not wearing a bandana. . . If you can use they/them pronouns, too, just because it's neutral and safe."

Bill and Laura both nod. "Okay."

Josh nods as well, leg bouncing, eyes glancing back to their phone.

They just feel guilty, now. . .

"Mom, Dad," they start, heart in their throat. They look back up at them then, fiddling with their fingers, trying to focus on something other than all of the overflowing emotions. "I know this isn't a good time. . . I should really stay home and talk more with you. . . But--"

"Go see him." Bill answers before they can even finish.

Josh blinks. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely," he replies. "You two need to talk. We'll be here when you get back."

Josh smiles. They lean forward and stuff their face into his chest, arms wrapping around him. "Thank you." They whisper. "I'm. . . I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was scared." They pause, taking it into consideration. "I'm still scared."

Bill rubs their back, Laura touches their shoulder. "Don't be." She kisses their temple. "Don't be."

Josh nods. "Okay." They inhale, exhale, pulling away. "I'll talk to you more once I get back, then."

"Definitely." Laura agrees. "Stay there as long as you need." She says while they stand from the bed, Josh putting the bandanas back in the bag after slipping their phone into their pocket. "We love you, babe."

Josh smiles to themself while holding the duffel bag strap on their shoulder. "I love you guys most."

Laura and Bill get up from the bed and bring them into, once again, another hug. Josh can't possibly be irritated by this, if anything, it's the one thing they need right now besides their boyfriend. They hold Josh tight to reassure them, to help them understand that things are surely to change, but simply for the better like they had always wished. They're overwhelmed with the truth being out, yet, nothing is better than this.

"I love you," they repeat. They need their parents to know.

"I love you, too." They say in unison. A whisper, but it somehow is louder than anything else.

Josh is in the sky. Soaring. A bird, a plane-- no. It changes, yet their identity is no longer a crisis, and it won't be ever again.

For that, they're grateful.

When the three of them pull apart and walk out, Josh's siblings rush away from the door, wide-eyed, faces flushed when realizing they were caught listening in.

Somehow, Josh can't even feel upset.

They smile.

Jordan does too, and that's all Josh needs to keep going. Heading down the stairs, pulling their keys out from a side pocket in the bag, and getting into their car. They don't play music on the ride over there, only because everything needs to settle. They need no distractions. The most bittersweet part of it all is that leaving their house actually, finally, feels like they're leaving home.

But, they're headed home, too. Home comes in many shapes and forms. Josh is learning that quickly.

***

When Josh knocks on the front door, their anxiety picks up quickly. They acted immature, out of insecurity-- they have a bad habit of doing that. And Tyler always has to deal with it, which leaves Josh feeling guilty right afterwards, just like now. There's no excuse for it. They don't know how else to act at such a sensitive topic, even if their boyfriend is right.

They bite their lip when the door handle gets touched, heart dropping to their toes seeing Tyler.

They blink, he blinks.

It's only been a few hours, but they're so pathetically in love, it feels like years.

Tyler cracks a smile when seeing them, and without a second to pass, lunges forward to bring them into a hug. He holds Josh tight, tight, and tighter, which flips the switch and brings reality to the table faster than Josh can swallow it whole.

They cry against him, fists tangles in his shirt.

"What's wrong?" Tyler whispers. He runs his fingers through the back of their hair as he kisses their head. Josh listens to the way his heartbeat is frantic.

"Nothing is wrong, Ty." Josh murmurs. They sniffle, grinning like a fool up at him. "Everthing is so, so right."

Tyler furrows his eyebrows. "Come in, okay?" He brushes the curls in their face back, basking in their natural beauty. Their presence. He missed it. He misses Josh no matter what instance, yes, but when they're apart and not on good terms, it makes it so much worse. "I've been freaking out. I'm glad you're okay. You were scaring me."

Josh only drags him inside, closing the door behind them. They don't talk until they're in Tyler's room, Josh's bag tossed aside, a blooming in their chest. Tyler doesn't take their hands off of them, and Josh has no problem with it. They lean their head against his chest, breathing him in, exhaling gratefulness.

"You're in a better mood." Tyler states.

Josh is still crying. They can't stop at this point, but they suppose they have the right to.

"I did it." They whisper.

Tyler freezes.

He pulls Josh away from him, holding their arms while looking into their eyes. He says nothing, simply cocking his head, and Josh nods with a chuckle while wiping tears away.

Tyler's eyes widen. "Holy shit," he chokes out.

Immediately, he pulls Josh against his chest again, rubbing up and down their back while Josh lets it all out. It's not from sadness, that's for sure, it's pure relief. Josh has never felt so alive from the truth. They can't completely wrap their head around the whole situation because it has yet to really, really hit them, but they're riding on the high of knowing how well things turned out.

Josh is terrified of the unexpected; they're starting to become friendly with it, though.

"How did it go? Are you okay? What happened? Is it a happy cry?"

Josh laughs, sobs, grips his shirt tighter. "A-a happy cry, Ty. Such a happy cry."

Tyler breathes out of pure relief, smiling. "I fucking told you."

Josh nods, laughing another time. They sniffle then. "I know."

"What did they say?" Tyler wonders after a moment, suddenly becoming much more serious, and that's because he knows this is something that shouldn't be glossed over in any way. This is probably the biggest, toughest moment of Josh's life thus far.

Josh pulls away, bringing the both of them down onto the bed. "They said they've known." They admit.

Tyler furrows his eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Not-not that I'm gender-fluid, but that I'm not. . . A guy." Josh's Adam's apple bobs, fingers creeping up to hold Tyler's hand. They missed him. They always do. And it's stupid, immature, fucking pitiful, but they can't help it. "I didn't plan on telling them." They then add.

"What do you mean? Did they force you to say it? That shouldn't--"

"Listen to me for a second, tough guy." Josh smiles.

Tyler blinks a few times, probably still a little anxious to speak his mind after what just happened the last time. "Okay." He agrees, bringing their hand up to his mouth and kissing a couple knuckles.

Josh nods, in a haze. "When I got home. . . I, um, cried." They're still crying, slightly. Only one or two tears now falling every so often. It comes and goes, anyways. "Everyone came into my room and kept misgendering me and I just. . . I don't know. It usually doesn't bother me that much but for some reason everything was fucking horrible, and all I felt like doing was scream. So I did. I kept going until I passed out."

Tyler frowns. "Baby,"

Josh shakes their head, brushing it off. "When I woke up my mom and I talked, and before she left the room, she told me you've been trying to get to me so I checked my phone after a little while." Josh sighs at the thought, the anxiety they felt then-- not even very long ago-- rushing back. "When I saw your message saying you saw me reading the texts, I started freaking out. It wasn't me, I knew that, and I even asked my mom if she read them before she left my room, but she said no."

There's a guilt that washes Tyler's face but neither of them mention it.

"I ran downstairs and started screaming at her. I was so overwhelmed and I thought she lied to me. . . But then we figured out someone else read them." Josh tugs at Tyler's fingers mindlessly. "We figured out it was Jordan and it just kind of. . . Spiralled from there."

Jordan even pushed them to say it, and not in a crude way, either. It was supportive, encouraging now that they look back on it, and Josh definitely should have talked to him more before leaving.

They will when they get back home though, definitely.

"I told them, and I talked to my mom and dad alone afterwards. Explained everything to them. And they didn't even hesitate to accept me, Tyler." Josh whispers. "I kind of feel like shit for not telling them sooner, now."

Tyler shakes his head, squeezing their hand. "Don't." He mutters. "I'm so fucking proud of you for telling them, angel. I know how scared you were, and it makes me so happy to know you finally did it." He grabs onto one of their thighs, carefully pulling them into his lap. "Don't feel bad you didn't do it sooner. These things take time. It isn't a bad thing, it's meant for your comfortability."

Josh listens, exhales, nods. They use their free hand to hold onto his cheek, slowly leaning forward and pressing their lips against his.

Two riptides creating a sea.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier." They utter.

Tyler kisses them another time. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to."

Josh traces their finger along the bridge of his nose, counting a few eyelashes, giving up easily. "I know, baby." They assure. "I'm going to work on managing myself better. I'm such a jackass."

Tyler smiles. "I like your jackass."

Josh hums. "I bet."

They sit there after that, staring back at one another, thriving from touch and certainty.

"You're the best person I know." Josh whispers.

Tyler kisses their thumb, rubbing his nose in circles against it. "You're so tiny." Tyler closes his eyes then, leaning against Josh, relishing in every beauty that is his partner. "The best person I know, and so tiny."

"Hold your tiny person, then. They're exhausted." Josh decides.

Tyler makes a sound from the back of his throat. "As long as my tiny person will tell me stories about our future to help me sleep. I need a nap, too. I've been sad without my tiny person."

"As long as the big person does the same."

Tyler smiles lazily. "You've got a deal, love."

Sure enough, the two of them end up cuddling in bed, sharing stories that don't exist, but they plan on changing that. An apartment would be fine, "but what about Jim?" Josh asks. Tyler runs his fingers in and out of those precious curls of theirs, other hand running down their side. "Then a small house." He says. "And an art room just for you. Plus a beanbag in the corner so I can watch you all day long."

"I'll paint you." Josh states.

"What color?"

"Yellow."

"Why?"

"Because it's the happiest color."

At the moment, Josh is the brightest shade of yellow, and they don't see that changing any time soon.

***

It takes time, much like everything does. Josh gets used to having to explain things when one of their siblings or parents say something that accidentally makes them uncomfortable, but it's healthy. They have to remind them most times of what the colors of their bandanas mean, but it's valid. They reassure them all that mistakes are okay, as long as they're then fixed, which is harder for them to grasp than their actual identity.

It's good, though.

So much better than they could ever dream.

A few weeks later, after spending the weekend at Tyler's house, Josh gains enough courage to bring their dress home. They come back wearing it, dirtied boots on their feet paired with obnoxiously colored knee high socks as well as Tyler's sweater, and no one says a word. It's not from disgust, no, it's because everyone is now comfortable knowing this is Josh.

At the end of that night, when Josh is about to go upstairs, Laura holds onto their hand and says, "You look pretty tonight."

Josh smiled.

Now though, it's been a while since then. Josh, Kelly, their dad, Jordan, and the rest of their siblings are at Tyler's basketball game. It's the last one of the season. Usually Josh is the only one to come, but because of how much everyone else misses out-- and especially because it will be the last time he plays at this highschool before graduation-- they're all here, except Laura.

She has work, but Josh is sure Tyler can forgive her for that.

It's going well, so well, in multiple ways, and after the first quarter, Bill leans over to Josh and elbows their arm.

Josh looks up at him with their eyebrows furrowed.

"This is his last game, shouldn't you be watching?" He wonders. It's not rude, only curious. It usually only ever is.

Josh smiles. "I've been to every single one of his games since freshman year, I think I'm alright." They assure, lifting their head to look at the score. The home team is winning, to no surprise. "Besides, I can multitask." They then add, focusing back on their sketchpad.

Bill simply chuckles, nodding.

He leaves Josh alone after that, cheering Tyler on throughout the game, catching up with Kelly when there's a break.

Josh just draws. It's normal. They've been working on their realism lately. Opposed to only drawing Tyler's hands, or his lips, or his nose, they're drawing a portrait. Surprisingly, they've never done one of him. They do little sketches of his body, but never in great detail.

They're drawing a picture of him they took.

Lips swollen, eyes hooded, lipstick marks all over his face and neck.

Josh is so concentrated they barely realize the game ending, but as soon as they take everything into account, they're handing all of their stuff to their dad and are sitting up in a flash. They scoot past everyone as quickly as possible, going down to the end of the bleachers and smiling wide when Tyler jogs over to them with the same expression.

In seconds, Josh is jumping into his arms. Limbs wrapped tightly around him, Tyler spins in circles a few times, sweating, panting.

Josh glances to score, then smiles even more. "Good job, baby."

Tyler helps Josh stand back on their own, cheeks so high. "It's because we had our goodluck charm."

Josh is pink. Pink in the cheeks, pink on the ears, pink on the wrist. "Shut up. Accept that you're the driving force and run with it."

Tyler hums. "Not possible."

They're staring at one another for a moment before leaning forward and kissing. It feels like no one's around them really, but once they pull back and see all the parents on the bleachers staring up at them, harsh eyes, they clear their throats and pull away.

Everyone else comes to congratulate Tyler then. Kelly hugs him, Bill pats his back, Jordan, Ashley, and Abby all gush about how well he did.

They look up to him, definitely.

Once the gym starts starts clearing out, Dallon, once again, comes over to Tyler just like every other time. "Denny's?"

Tyler's hand is in Josh's. He shakes his head. "Can't. I'm going somewhere with my family tonight."

Dallon nods easily, it's called for. He may not completely understand the dynamic Tyler has with Josh's family, but he doesn't question it. He comes a little closer to give him a hug, patting Tyler's back a few times before pulling away. "You did good tonight. I'll miss playing with you, man."

Tyler smiles. "Just text me, we'll figure something out."

Dallon smiles as well. "You got it," he agrees. "See you Monday."

He walks away after that, with the rest of the team. Tyler turns back to face everyone then, still sweating, still riding on that final high. "Where are we eating? I'm starving."

"Olive Garden?" Kelly asks.

Tyler frowns. "Mom, that's expensive, you don't have to--"

"It's a big night, Tyler. It's alright. Believe me." She assures.

She gets a sigh in return, and a nod. "Alright." He agrees. "I'll get changed and then we'll head out." He says nothing to Josh, only kissing the back of their hand and waking into the locker room afterwards in a hurry.

Josh won't follow him this time.

That would be weird considering their family is around.

In the meantime, Josh packs their things into their messenger bag, slinging the strap over their shoulder. And Bill, without a word, wraps an arm around their side, pulling them close. It's comforting. He runs a hand up and down their arm soothingly, talking to Kelly for the time being.

Finally though, Jordan moves to stand beside Josh. "Your boyfriend's cool." Is what he says.

Josh smiles. "You say that every time."

Jordan shrugs. "It doesn't make it any less true."

"I know." Josh mutters. They close their eyes, leaning further into their father's side. "And I know he's cool; why do you think I'm dating him?"

"Personality, maybe?"

"Nah," Josh chuckles.

Jordan chuckles with them, and that's that. Well, at least Josh thought that was that, but when Tyler comes back out, Jordan points at them, stating, "Josh says they're only dating you because you're cool."

Josh wants to say something back, but god, all they can do is smile. So big, so wide. It finally hit them after a while that things really are changing, but for the better. Even just thinking about it now makes their father's touch safer and their brother's words tremendously comforting. They end up saying nothing, simply letting their dad's arm slip away so they can walk over to Tyler.

They intertwine their fingers with his.

"Is it true?" He fake frowns.

"Totally." They mumble.

"Well that's a relief," Tyler exhales. "Because I'm dating you for the same reason."

Jordan laughs. "You two are so stupid." He comments. Really, he adores them. Even with Josh being out of the closet now, he still looks up to them, still respects them.

It's the only thing Josh can ever wish for.

"Let's get going already," Bill pipes up.

With that being said, they all leave. Josh rides with Kelly and Tyler, and everyone else goes with Bill. The wait at the restaurant is absolutely horrendous, but once they finally get their table-- more like tables considering they have to push two together to make room for all seven of them-- they look through the menu.

"What do you want?" Tyler wonders, head leaning on Josh's shoulder.

They open their mouth to answer, but Bill cuts in. "Let me guess," he starts.

Josh rolls their eyes, smirking.

"They want fettuccine alfredo, extra sauce, no chicken."

Josh is in heaven. They didn't even have to die to get here, either. It was a rough journey, full of insecurity and tears, but it's so worth it. Although it has been months to finally get to this point, where their family understands completely, knows what each bandana means opposed to having to ask, and using the right pronouns-- it's fine. Josh didn't expect this, anyways. Just them trying is enough, but each day, they continue to exceed their expectations.

"Am I right?" He wonders.

Josh smiles. "You know me so well."

Bill chuckles, nodding along. The happiness that fills his heart is obvious, and that's good. Josh tries their hardest to remind him as much as possible how good of a father he is, because it's the least he deserves after all that he has done for them.

They order after a while, and eat. Afterwards, once they're about to head home, Josh tilts their head at their father playfully. "Is it alright if I--"

"Go with them, Josh. I'll see you Sunday."

Their expression is bigger than a grin. "I love you."

"I love you most." He decides.

Josh can argue, go on and on about how there's no way that's possible, but they won't. They only cuddle up to Tyler's side and walk with him and Kelly to the car, and after just a few minutes of being snuggled with their boyfriend in the backseat, they fall asleep.

Though, they wake up once Tyler's holding them in his arms, walking into his bedroom. While he's laying them down against the sheets, Josh reaches up to touch his cheek, eyes barely open, teeth showing. "Did you hear them tonight?" They whisper.

Tyler smiles. "Yeah, baby. I did."

"That's the first time they've really used the right pronouns without having to ask. . ." They croak out, voice hoarse but full of content.

"I know." He brushes their hair out of their face like he usually does. It's romantic, perhaps. Or just sweet. "They love you so much." Tyler murmurs.

Josh could cry. "I know."

"I love you so much." He then adds, leaning forward until their lips meet. "The love of my life." He breathes against them. "I'm so happy for you, and so proud of how far you've come. I can't wait to watch you grow even more, and watch your family treat you like you deserve. It's so good, you're so good."

"Life's so good." Josh decides.

"Mhm," Tyler agrees. "Only because I have you, though."

"Only because I have you." Josh repeats, closing their eyes. "I'd be so lost without my knight in shining armor."

"I'm glad I'm here, then." Tyler replies. "I'll save you from the tower any time."

Josh nods. "And I'll paint you yellow,"

"And we'll have a dog."

"His name's Jim."

"Mhm,"

"We'll have a small house, too."

"With an art room, just for you."

"Yes, and a beanbag in the corner so you can watch me."

"As long as you don't mind." Tyler whispers, kissing their chin, then jaw.

"I'll never mind." Josh mutters.

"Good, because I'll never stop."

"And I'll never want you to stop."

There's some silence. "I'm gonna marry you one day." Tyler utters. He finally lays down onto the bed with Josh, holding their hand, kissing their skin, loving their body. Cherishing it no matter how it feels.

"I'll say yes." Josh assures.

"As long as you wear whatever makes you the happiest down the aisle."

"I will," Josh says. "Because my dad will be there too, and he'll love me just the same. And my mom. And my siblings. But most importantly, you."

"I'll always love you." Tyler replies. "Whether you're pink, or green, or white, or blue, or purple. You're all mine, and whether you understand or not, I'm the luckiest man on earth." He lays his head onto Josh's chest, closing his eyes, absolutely exhausted.

"I'm the luckiest." Josh whispers. "But I breathe for you, and kept going for the same reason."

"And I did the same."

"So I guess it really is meant to be." Josh jokes, on the verge of sleep.

"I guess it is." Tyler murmurs. "Thank god."

Thank god indeed. Josh would be so lost without direction, and for them, that's Tyler. He held their hand when they had nowhere else to go, kissed their head when they felt lost, brushed their hair back so they could get a clear view of the good to come.

Without Tyler, Josh would still be pretending the bandanas around their wrist mean nothing, or that their feelings never change.

Tyler is light, a gift, unholy yet the opposite. Josh has never been closer to heaven unless they're with him.

But most importantly, Tyler is yellow, and now Josh is too.

It's just another color to add to the list.