visitors:

10/17 - mr. kim
relationship: uncle

yoongi blinked once.

twice.

why had his uncle visited him?

"joon, can you-"

"hey, min," seokjin padded over holding a clipboard in his hands. "want to hear a new joke?"

yoongi rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "you need to stop with this bullshit, seokjin," he muttered. "what if i'm in the operating room performing surgery and you come in to crack a joke and i fuck up?"

hoseok cleared his throat. "first off, min, the doors are always locked before an operation starts."

"and also," namjoon scratched the back of his neck, eyebrows raised in a nearly mocking manner. "you're a psychiatrist. not a surgeon. the closest you've ever gotten to actual surgery was that kid's game we played in high school with the tacky tweezers and metal detecting holes."

"shut up before i perform brain surgery on you. i see a scalpel right there," yoongi threatened, gesturing towards the scalpel that, as a matter of fact, sat daintily on a cart. "anyways. this visitor history: taehyung's uncle came by?"

seokjin squinted at the tabs yoongi had pulled up on his laptop. "that's what it says. why?"

yoongi shook his head. "nothing. i was just wondering."

seokjin shot him a questioning look but asked no further questions, and yoongi couldn't keep his mind from wandering back off to taehyung.

* * *

taehyung sat up in his bed when yoongi stepped into the room.

his cheeks looked fuller and a bit of color had been regained in his face, but he still looked undeniably thin and weak. yoongi saw how the hospital gown still seemed to swallow him whole, and he saw how every bone in the exposed parts of his body protruded from beneath his skin.

"hi doctor."

"hi taehyung," yoongi replied, taking a seat beside the bed.

a single light behind taehyung kept flickering, making slight buzzing noises that blended in with the sounds of the halls. taehyung's hair was disheveled and his eyes were slightly puffy and red, as if he had been crying. the hospital gown lay bunched up directly above his knees and bruises were visible across them, dark blue and purple. taehyung was dark blue today.

"taehyung," yoongi began. he started to ease into the conversation slowly, making eye contact. "your uncle came to visit you?"

taehyung visibly stiffened, fingers curling into his palms as he brought a shaky hand to his abdomen, as if trying to succumb a phantom pain. "yeah," he said. "he did."

"did anything happen, taehyung?"

the boy shook his head frantically. "no. no, nothing happened."

yoongi watched the shaking become a bit more violent. taehyung shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

"nothing happened. nothing. it's nothing."

"taehyung-"

"the bruises were from a biking accident! i fucking told you! i'm not lying!"

he breathed heavily, anxiety clouding his features as he rubbed his wrist again. that nervous habit.

"taehyung," yoongi said, softly. "where are you right now?"

and the boy shot his head back up to face yoongi once more and his clouded eyes filled with clarity. the shaking stopped abruptly.

"fuck. i'm sorry."

he rubbed the scar again, thumbing over the harsh lines with an ironically gentle touch. "i'm so sorry. i... i didn't mean to yell at you."

"it's alright. now can you be honest with me?"

"nothing happened."

it was an instantaneous response and even taehyung knew it had been to quick to actually be the truth.

yoongi looked at him questioningly.

the clock in the room clicked obnoxiously, the sound gradually filling the room as a few seconds ticked by. taehyung broke eye contact.

"he told me he would kill me, doctor. but slowly."

the clicking gradually faded out as taehyung's voice faded into the scene, as if watercolors were slowly filling up a page of paper.

"he said he'd hit me, make me pay back the hospital bill and... doctor, that's why i said i didn't want to leave."

yoongi nodded.

"i'm scared."

taehyung bit his lip, his fingers now harshly pressing into the scar on his wrist. his veins were blue, his blood undoubtedly red, and his mind was clouded with a muddy brown; corrupted and robbed of youth and innocence, the joy of life squeezed out of it in such austere ways that it no longer existed. brown. it was brown because it was polluted, and brown because it was dirtied with the insecurities that now seemed embedded into him.

"you're going to kill yourself once you leave the hospital?"

taehyung hesitated. "i don't really know anymore, doctor."

yoongi was surprised, his eyes widening a bit. "is that so?"

"i just don't know. a part of me wants to and another part of me... isn't sure."

and then smiles and goodbyes were exchanged and yoongi slipped out of the room otherwise silently.

taehyung was orange. not quite yellow. just orange.

* * *

four hours previously had been taehyung's weigh in.

the nurse had brought him to the bathroom and let him step onto the scale, visibly shaking as he rubbed his protruding ribs.

the nurse let out a soft sigh. "you lost a bit, taehyung."

and at that, taehyung looked at the number.

51.2

he had lost a kilogram but he was still too heavy. he had been lighter before. why was he so heavy?

the nurse led him back to his room and when she shut the door and left, taehyung cried.

he wrapped a hand around his wrist and connected his fingers around his thigh. he sucked in his stomach and counted his ribs and breathed again and counted the ribs again. and then the numbers were back in his mind, clouding his senses and shoving a mirror in front of him and forcing him to look and see what he was.

taehyung sobbed.

but then yoongi's words filled his head again and taehyung sobbed even more because there were reasons to live. there really were. but were they worth it? worth the pain and the hurt and the hell of a life that came with it?

i want to disappear.

taehyung took a breath.

you're useless. disgusting.

no. no no no.

you have so many reasons to stay.

taehyung, we're so glad you're alright.

breathe. breathe breathe breathe.

in and out, in and out.

unworthy of love. useless. you deserve to die.

"no!"

why were they all telling him different things?

you're ugly and fat. you don't deserve to live.

"no!"

taehyung screamed and then the room was silent.

the air vents echoed in their mellow voices and the light beside him flickered softly.

he cried out, a small sob tearing into his voice.

"i want to disappear," he whispered.

no one was listening, yet taehyung spoke again.

"i want to disappear."