a/n: this is a whole mess but i tried my best. i'll make sure the next chapter turns out better lmao:,-)

* * *

"taehyung, what have you done to yourself?"

"i didn't want to hurt anymore."

he remembered jimin's eyes; how dejected and hopeless he looked as he held taehyung's head in his lap. he remembered how jungkook cried the first time he saw his cuts. he remembered how they hugged him tight when the ambulance came and how they whispered reassuring words even as they headed to the hospital. and now here they sat, side by side facing taehyung.

"how have you been?"

there was something to jimin's voice. something like a mixture of sadness and pity.

"alright," taehyung said. "you?"

"pretty good. jungkook missed you a lot," jimin smiled. "so did i."

silence was loud, taehyung realized, as absolutely nothing crashed around him. it was quiet, but so deafening that it felt the opposite.

"we're glad you're alive," jungkook said, forcing a smile.

the smile showed happiness, but at the same time pain, and a pang of guilt hit taehyung hard when he could so clearly see how much he had hurt him.

taehyung smiled back, eyes cast downward with insecurity.

"i am too."

* * *

"hey joon," yoongi said, leaning against the counter. "i need a favor."

namjoon hummed in response, barely looking away from his computer as he typed away.

"you need to tell your boyfriend over there to chill the fuck out with his dad jokes."

namjoon merely chuckled at that, earning an annoyed scowl from yoongi.

"namjoon, i'm serious," yoongi said, rubbing his forehead with his eyes shut. "i'll be talking to him about something and he'll just act like he's listening and then crack one of his ridiculous jokes!"

as if on cue, seokjin took a seat beside namjoon laughing hysterically.

"what's forrest gump's password?"

"seokjin, shut the fuck-"

"one-forrest-one."

namjoon and seokjin both burst out laughing and yoongi covered his face with his hands, groaning audibly as he took namjoon's coffee out of his hands and took a sip.

"hey, mind you, you piece of shit psychiatrist, that's my coffee!"

"your boyfriend's jokes drain me of energy."

he set down the mug and as seokjin walked away, namjoon smiled wide enough for his dimples to engrave deep circles into his cheeks.

"i'll tell him to keep going with this."

"what the fuck, why?"

"i don't know."

"i hope you go to hell."

* * *

"how are you feeling today?"

"like shit."

yoongi sighed, leaning forwards onto his elbows and looking straight at taehyung's face.

"your nurse told me you started crying when they weighed you today."

"i gained weight and they won't let me throw up."

"why does your weight matter so much to you?"

taehyung hesitated, biting his lip and touching his scar as he breathed slowly. his hospital gown hung off of him the way clothing hung off of hangers, loosely upon a thin figure. his fringe nearly completely covered his eyes but yoongi could see how his gaze darted back and forth anxiously.

"i'm honestly not sure," he said. "i started counting and weighing and measuring and then one day i just couldn't stop."

yoongi reached out to hold taehyung's hand and the boy didn't refuse, easily slipping his thin fingers onto yoongi's palm.

"how do you see yourself, taehyung?"

"physically? or more emotionally?"

"as a whole. who is taehyung to you?"

taehyung's hand stiffened. in fact, his entire body did. not tremendously, but enough. truth be told, yoongi only noticed because he was holding the boy's hand.

"he's ugly."

taehyung breathed. his lips opened and closed a few times, wanting to speak but not knowing how to.

"he's... doctor, i don't want to talk about this. i can't," taehyung murmured. his eyes fluttered straight to yoongi's face, desperate and almost frantic. "can we talk about something else?"

yoongi held taehyung's hand tighter, smiling understandingly.

"your friends came to visit."

taehyung didn't respond, and had yoongi not known better he would have thought taehyung hadn't heard him.

"taehyung?"

the boy scoffed, eyes instantly filling with hatred and venom. he licked his lips, dark eyes finally meeting yoongi's gaze.

"you should have seen them, doctor," taehyung spat. "they felt bad for me. they were pitying me. and as if that wasn't fucking shit enough, they were hurt. jungkook was so quiet today, and jimin was just walking on eggshells the whole time. he talked to me as if i was fragile." he breathed heavily, unloading his words harshly. "they were hurt, doctor. and you know who hurt them?"

he stopped, choked, raspy breaths leaving his lips as he blinked a few times. the venom drained away from his eyes, slowly revealing his vulnerable state.

"i did," he said. his voice was croaky and soft, insecure and worried. "i hurt them, doctor."

"they really seemed to care about you," yoongi said. "they seem like good friends."

taehyung smiled. "they really are. jimin is actually a lot like me; he's living with a foster family right now," he explained. "but i went and tried to kill myself again. they already have their own problems, and they've had to deal with me and stuff, and i'm just worried that this might... you know, be all they can take."

"they might have been hurt by what happened, but i can see that they want to be there for you," yoongi said. his words brushed away taehyung's insecurities, just a bit.

"what if they leave me?"

yoongi smiled. "i don't think you need to worry about that, taehyung," he said. "they'll be there for you, whether it's now or in the future."

"will you leave me?"

the boy faced his own feet, twiddling his slim fingers and bouncing his feet slightly. he glanced up at yoongi for a moment, and then turned back down, innocent eyes downcast.

"no, i would never," yoongi said. "i promise."

taehyung scoffed, eyes still sad and dark. "doctor, promises are meant to be broken."

"are they?"

"my mom said she'd love me forever. and that promise was broken years ago."

"this promise can be different."

taehyung finally looked up, seemingly filled with a bit of hope and a bit of trust. he pulled down his sleeve and rested his left hand upon his right wrist, gently rubbing it with his thumb.

"do you promise that?" taehyung asked. "that this one will be different?"

"i promise."

"and do you promise that that promise will be different too?"

yoongi laughed as he replied. "jesus taehyung, this is going to be endless." he smiled reassuringly. "i promise that."

"promise?"

"i promise."