whenever taehyung thought he was getting better, he'd fall again.

right as he hit the cruel line between dying and alive, he would fall back again, deep into some kind of oblivion that he would need to crawl his way through for what he could only hope to be the last time.

so taehyung had learned to not get his hopes up.

he felt better; he was eating well and sleeping fine. his scar didn't throb with an emotional hurt anymore.

but he shoved away the thought, the hope that he was alright, because he was so used to falling back again.

and that was exactly what he told yoongi when asked if he was feeling any better.

"you seem to be doing quite well, taehyung."

"i won't be in a few months."

"hm?"

yoongi raised an eyebrow.

"last time i thought i was better, i tried to kill myself a week after," taehyung said. "the time before that, i subconsciously downed a bottle of my antidepressants. i wasn't even thinking straight, and i had went out with friends the night before all happy and shit, coming back home telling myself that i would be okay from then on."

"so you tell yourself that you're not better?"

"i guess," taehyung murmured. "it's kind of like a defense mechanism. i just hate being so disappointed every time i think i'm better."

"a defense mechanism, huh?"

"yeah."

"maybe that's why you aren't getting better, taehyung," yoongi said. "you've built up these walls. getting better is hard when the good needs to fight through the walls first, hm?"

taehyung shrugged, eyes dazed and faraway with emptiness that filled yoongi's heart.

"but the walls are what keep me safe."

"no, they're what push away your recovery."

taehyung sat up, heaving his body onto his side with his elbows.

"you don't understand," he said, venom creeping into his voice with an imminent edge. "you don't know anything."

"taehyung, you're getting better. and you'll-"

"no! you don't get it!"

tears filled taehyung's eyes, each drop void of happiness and covered in hurt and pain and fear.

"you don't understand! once you've been hurt so many times, it's hard to take down the walls, okay?" he was shaking, body trembling as he spoke each word, as he spat out each syllable. "i'm scared! i don't want to be disappointed again! you don't get it! i'd rather fucking die than be disappointed again, and that's why i keep trying to kill myself, okay?" his voice faltered, diminishing as it was swallowed up by his sobs. "why do you keep saving me? why do you make me live? i'm going to get bad again, and if i had died... if i had died i wouldn't have to face that."

"taehyung, it's alright to be scared," yoongi said. "of course you're afraid. but if you keep trying to tell yourself that you won't get better, how will you get better?"

taehyung swallowed audibly, eyes wide and bloodshot red, the redness seeping into his eyes like watercolor paints on a canvas.

and the painting was beautiful in the most painful way.

"can you repeat after me? i will get better."

"but i... i won't-"

"i will get better."

taehyung hesitated, and he asked himself,

why is it so hard?

"i will get better."

"can you keep telling yourself that?"

and as yoongi watched taehyung nod, he realized that all he could see was a sad, self doubting boy with tears in his eyes. he could see the cracks in his skin, the blood running through broken veins, and he could see the hurt in his eyes filled with memories of betrayal and loss. the cracks in his skin were the cuts, the evidence of his self hatred etched into his skin as a permanent reminder of his pain, and the blood through broken veins was his voice through his hoarse throat, weaving its way around the seams and pushing out the words from his lips.

can you keep telling yourself that?

"yes."

and then yoongi asked the question he had had for so long. apprehension tugged the words back into his chest but he shoved the words out, breathing softly.

"taehyung, what are you going to do once you leave the hospital?"

time seemed to stop, everything moving in slow motion as yoongi watched taehyung's lips open to form the words.

"i'm going to kill myself."

yoongi's heart lurched, dropping so far into his stomach that he felt sick.

"is there any way i could change that?"

"i'm not sure."

a/n: ayeee this can faster than expected ngL;; updates are still going to be slow, but maybe not as slow as i thought. ;)