I'm at the hospital again, twice in the same week.

I don't remember how I got here.

But now I'm outside room 320 and they won't let me inside yet.

What's going through my mind right now?

Absolutely
n o t h i n g.

There hasn't been a muscle moved in my body in over an hour. I've been looking at the plain wall for so long that it's turning colors in my vision. My hands have long since gone numb. My eyes are drooping with the weight of everything that has happened. I took everything for granted.

My life took a shift that was unexpected. And I wasn't ready.

Nobody would be.

Nothing will be the same.

Hope? These people tell me to have hope? That they understand, that it'll be okay, that he'll be okay?

Yeah, because they know everything. Everyone's freaking geniuses.

I need time. I need them to give me time and leave me alone. I need them to stop trying to get it, to get what's going on. I hate the pity, I hate the hugs and the plates of cookies and the 'oh I'm so sorry's.

The only one who has actually given me the comfort I need is Jacob.

He is just as distressed as I am. As soon as he found out about Ray, he came straight to the hospital where I was waiting. He just held me and rocked me and didn't say a word. That was all I needed.

Jacob cancelled his flight back to California for the end of break. He's staying at my side.

The only reason he isn't with me now is because I sent him back home. I told him I needed to be alone. Unlike the numerous others, he actually gave me my space and respected my needs.

Ray's parents have come and gone. They have apologized multiple times for not giving me a forewarning. I put on a fake hopeful face and tell them it's alright, that we all have nothing to worry about. He is a strong one, he can overcome this small trial. The same cliché speech you give to any parent with a hospitalized child.

We all know none of it's true.

*****************************

"Jordan Green?"

My head flicks to the side so fast it cracks my neck. "Yes?" My voice comes out as a croak.

"You're free to see him now," a nurse stands before me, clasping her hands in front of her merrily. How can a woman be so pleasant when she's in a building full of death?

I can't find any energy to do anything but nod. My feet plant themselves into the ground and I slowly make my way to the door.

As I turn the knob, my stomach lurches. I'm not ready for this.

He's there on the bed, breathing slowly. His eyes are closed softly and his arms lay at his sides. His chest and stomach are covered in wraps. Proof of the broken ribs I didn't want to believe.

My feet carry me towards the bed. My breathing falters as I sit on the edge. I take his cold hand in mine. The usual squeeze back isn't there. Only dead weight.

"We have some news, Miss Green," the doctor comes into the room.

My eyes are closed and I'm bracing myself for the worst. "News?"

"Yes," he says, taking a seat in the chair across from me. "Ray isn't going to be coming home for a while."

I gasp. "What... Why?"

"He's in a coma. We don't know how long he'll be here."

I shake my head slowly, my head hurting at the thought. "You're kidding. You're lying to me."

"I'm afraid not, I'm sorry. It'll take some time, we can't say how long," the doctor says solemnly.

"And what if he just doesn't wake up?" I demand.

"It is a possibility. Not likely, but possible. There's no way of controlling the outcome."

"I can't believe this. I can't believe this," I put my head in my hands.

"Like I said before, I'm very sorry. I'll give you some time," he says, and walks out the door.

I pull my knees up an wrap my arms around them, burying my face and crying.

**************************

I continue to visit Ray every day. He is still there, in the same position, laying in bed. His eyes don't light up and he doesn't smile at me when he sees me. He doesn't give me some corny compliment to which I give one back. He doesn't laugh when I do something stupid.

No, he's laying there. Unconscious.

And I was being so selfish.

I assumed the worst of him.

I drew the conclusion right away that he was ignoring me because he was angry. And little did I know that instead of being rude and jerky, he was just being crushed alive by a car and rushed into the emergency room at the hospital.

I'm so ignorant. I had this coming.

It just is so unfair that it had to happen to Ray.

**************************

Today doesn't feel how it should. The pressure of two main portions of my life not here is weighing on me. I haven't even been able to sleep these past nights. I don't eat as much as I should since that would be selfish of me.

"Hey, Jordan," Jacob takes the seat across from me, his plate of scrambled eggs in front of him. "I realize that this has been hard on you, okay? It's unfair, it's terrible, it's tragic. But he wouldn't give up on you. He wouldn't stop eating, being unhealthy. So why are you acting like this?"

"Liz? Have you forgotten about her? She's gone. Gone, Jacob. She can't come back. How can I have any hope for her?" My eyes start to well up with tears and I put my head in my hands so Jacob can't see me cry.

"Hey," I hear a chair slide out of place and arms wrap around me and pick me up. I'm rocked on Jacob's arms and he whispers, "I know. I know it's hard. But even though she isn't here right now, she still wants you to live a happy life. Okay? She doesn't want you moping around like this. Can you at least try, Jordan?"

I wipe my eyes off with the backs of my hands. "I don't think you even know, Jacob. Every single thing I do reminds me of them. How can I live like this?"

"I'm here for you, alright? I'm here. Talk to me. We can do other things, we can find a new place for happiness," Jacob whispers.

That just adds to the falling tears. "But I can't just stop you from going to college. I'm not ruining your life just so you can help me pick mine back up."

Jacob hushes me and strokes my hair gently. "I can wait as long as I need to. Family comes first. No matter what."

"Thank you. Thank you, Jacob."

*******************************

The sheets of Ray's bed are soft and unwrinkled. The steady sound of his breathing is calming. The feeling only lasts until I remember what happened and why he's here.

My hands find one of his and I let me head fall as silent tears fall down my face. I let one hand release and tuck a strand of Ray's brown hair back. Me hand finds his cheek. I can't even see anymore with the tears clouding my vision.

"I know, I know you can't hear me right now, Ray. But I miss you. I miss you so much. There has been so much going on, and I can't bare it without you. You know, I need you more than you or I ever knew. But now I can see it," I say quietly, between sniffles.

I attempt to wipe the tears from my red eyes, but more fall when I try. I don't know where all of these tears even come from. My head lays back onto the sheets, my tears soaking them. My head is pounding from the lack of sleep, water, and pressure. I feel like I'm going to burst at any moment. I'm unstable, I've gone basically crazy.

"Ray," I whisper. "I love you. Please, please don't leave me."

I kiss him on the cheek gently. Before I leave, I place an envelope on his bedside table.

I take one last look at Ray before smiling for the first time in a week. "Merry Christmas, Ray."