My thoughts were all over the place today, the more I dug deeper into this passion I have for Rayne, the more I became attached to him. I should say that I felt more confused, but I was gradually adjusting to the fact that I was attracted to a guy.

               Like I said before, there is a war going on in my head.

               But not only was I loosing the confusing thoughts, I was becoming severely depressed for some reason. I think that reality was finally hitting me, I was finally realizing the truth behind the disarrayed thoughts.

               Rayne is so special to me. But what is this going to mean? Am I going to be with him for a long time? For ever? 

               How will this affect my life? How will it effect me emotionally? Will I be able to handle the real world with a guy by my side? What about a family? I always imagined myself raising a family, I can't do it if I'm with a guy.

               And what about marriage? I've wanted to marry someone since I was young. I always wanted to know what it felt like to marry someone you loved. Isn't that a little hard when it's with a guy?

               See? All these new thoughts that I didn't think before are starting to pour in. The negativity is coming. The storm.

               Can I really do all of that with Rayne? I'm a man of my word. I never break a promise. If I say something then it's the truth. So am I brave enough to face Rayne and tell him I love him? Am I strong enough to do it all?

               I believe that all the positive things that came from Rayne were clouding me, shielding me from the hate that wanted to break through. The hate that wanted to burst my bubble. And it's about to burst. I'm about to explode.

               Rayne...what am I going to do with you?

              Knock! Knock! Knock!

               Speaking of the devil. That must be him right now. We're going to the studio right now. It's a bit early but he isn't supposed to complain. A job is painful but it's worth it.

               I tiredly dragged myself to the door and opened it. Rayne looked fantastic as aways, if not more. And this is him during mornings? Jesus, he's a true angel from heaven. It's like he has a new look everyday. He's so different. That's why I'm crazy over him. He isn't like everyone else.

               "Good morning," He gave me a playful smile.

               "Morning," I sweet talked him.

               "Are you ready for a long day?" He asked.

               I glazed behind him, the halls were all empty. It was still a bit dark, the sun is just about to come out - of the closet. Hehehehe.

               Funny, I make myself feel better. I am nuts.

               "Only if you are."

               "Then let's go."

               I looked back at sleeping Phil and gently closed the door behind me. We walked together towards the exit doors, I remained quiet. Not because I'm feeling a little down but because it's morning.

               No depression can overcome Jesse the amazing. I'm always tough, I will make it through. It will take a lot of work but I will break through and I'm gonna be freaking happy no matter what happens.

               "Cassy was so awkward last night. We were talking on the phone for like hours. We're just too excited. We kind of want to rub it in my parents face. Karma, bitch."

               I bulged my eyes. Now I'm worried for him. The more he spend times with me, the more aggressive he becomes. I'm not sure if I should be scared or turned on.

               "That would be quite a show to watch."

               "My parents think I'm going to have bad luck. Like God is going to punish me for being gay."

               "Seems to me like he's rewarding you," I grinned.

               He looked up at me and smiled. "Yeah, he is."

               I felt my face scorch. God dammit. Did we just switch personalities? Now I'm the one blushing and he's the one being aggressive. I want my Jesseness back!

               "Did you wake up alright?" I asked him as we got in my car. I looked up at the dark sky that was being swallowed by the morning sun.

               "I'm fantastic. Nervous and excited. But I think the rehearsal we did yesterday helped a lot."

               "So why is it a long day? Won't the commercial take only a few minutes to film?"

               "Yes, but my cousin really wants to talk to you."

               I groaned. "So the long part is the conversation? You're gonna make me sit down and listen to a woman speak for hours and hours?"

               "Yeah."

               I like how he didn't even seemed to be joking. Damn. Just my luck.

               "Why does she want to talk to me?"

               "She knows I like you and I told her you asked me out."

               I frowned. "Did you tell her everything?"

               "I didn't mention what we did yesterday," He blushed, "but I told her that you were confused. I guess she just wants to protect me."

               "I want to protect you too. No, not want, will," I informed him.

               "Are you okay?" 

                I breathed in and almost felt like my heart crawled up my throat.

               A leaf suddenly landed on my window and I stared at it for a while. I became distracted as I examined the patterns. Then I slowly looked at Rayne and sighed.

               "I'm just ... going through a lot."

               He quickly twisted his position so he was looking at me. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

               "I'm trying my best, Rayne."

                The way he fixed his position made me sad, he looked broken. I didn't even say anything and he already looks hurt.

               "You know you don't have to do it. You still have time to take it all back. We can be friends if—"

               "No," I cut him off, "I can't just be friends with you. I like you so much. I mean come on, I did not go through all of this just to fucking change my mind. I just don't know if I can take it farther than what we did yesterday. When I think of us doing it, all I see is nothing. I can't imagine us doing anything. It doesn't feel right to me. I mean, I can obviously get off to you but when I think of us getting closer than that, I have this strange feeling in my stomach, like pain and I can't figure it out. That's the only thing stopping me. And when I think of what's in your pants, I become so uncomfortable that it hurts, because there is a part of me that wants you that way. So here I am, feeling torn in half. Two different feelings that I can't combine to just freaking be happy and move on."

                "Don't be sad," He pleaded, "please don't. It's okay to feel this way, it's new to you. But don't feel like you have to do anything. You take your time. You're rushing it, and it's only going to hurt worse in the end."

               "I'm not rushing it. I'm letting it be how it is. I'm letting nature take it's course. But there is something blocking my feelings and I can't quite figure out what it is or what's stopping me from going after what I want - you."

                "I want you too, but you can't force yourself to like me. It's not fair for me, remember that."

               "I'm not! I already like you! I like you so much. So bad that I want to shove myself inside of you, I want to make love to you, I want to make you scream and beg—"

               "Jesse!" He yelled, "You're going off topic now."

              "Sorry. I'm just so frustrated at myself right now," I tightly gripped the driving wheel. I wanted to snap it in half.

               "And you want to sexually take it out on me?" He raised a brow.

               "Maybe..." I said quickly, giving him an innocent look.

               "You're so adorable..."

               "Me?! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You're the definition of adorable."

               He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, just don't work yourself up. There is no pressure. I'm not going to hate you for what ever you decide to do."

                "Can I ask you for a favor?"

               "Depends what the favor is," He said concerned.

               "Don't give me that look, it's not bad."

               "Fine, what is it?"

               "I want to—"

               "No," He cut me off, then he saw the look on my face, "sorry, go on."

               "I want to take you to meet my mom for a weekend."

               "Your mom? We aren't even together and you already want me to meet your mom?"

               "Is there a problem?"

               He smiled nervously. "Not at all, besides the fact that I have issues with moms."

               "Please," I begged, "you will love my mom and she will love you too. Well, that's if she accepts my decision. But I'm pretty sure she will."

               "I guess there's no harm in it. Can we go now? We've been sitting here for too long."

               I blinked. "Oh crap. I forgot. I'm sorry."

               He wrapped his arm around mine and rested his head on me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he does that. It's just so cute. I liked cuddling with him. It's like a stress reliever, and not because of what he did with his hand.

               "I'm going to be honest with you," I spoke after a few minutes of complete silence.

               "Uh oh."

               "When we become boyfriends, you should know that I will never leave you. So I will end up asking you to marry me."

               "Are you serious?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

              "I'm serious."

               "Marriage? Are you sure you listened to what came out of your mouth? Marriage!"

               "Yes, marriage. We'll talk about it later."

               He punched my arm. "Thanks a lot, it's not like I was nervous or anything. Punk."

               "I love it when you get verbal. Can you save it for tonight?" I joked.

               "Wow, you seriously get over things easily. Just a few minutes ago you were getting upset because you can't do me and—"

               "Oh shut up," I cut him off again.

               Rayne shuddered uncontrollably when we arrived at the studio. I'm going to eat him alive if he keeps getting more adorable by the second. He kept twitching even after I planted a kiss on his lips - I guess my plan didn't work. 

               "What if they fire me? What if I walk in there and they tell me to go away because they found someone better? What if my skin isn't actually clear?! What if I look terrible on camera? How do I know? I've never seen myself on T.V! I could look terrible for all I know."

               I frowned. He kept this going until we entered the studio and his cousin - I assumed - came running like a psycho.

               "Rayne! You're here!" She jumped and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. Then her eyes slowly moved towards me.

               "Cassy, this is Jesse."

               "Hi, nice to meet you," I lifted my hand but instead she attacked me with a hug and a big kiss.

               "I did not know you were going to be so cute! Wow. I am drooling over here, excuse moi," She wiped her mouth and walked away quickly.

               "Wow, she's exactly how you described her - a weirdo."

              "I heard that!" She shouted.

               "He's mine!" Rayne ran after her.

               I heard a couple of screams, slaps and punches behind the wall. These two are definitely cousins. That's exactly how I act with my cousins. Cassy is way older than us though. So it becomes a little bit strange.

               "Jesse, come on!" I heard her call out.

               I quickly moved and followed them through a hall. The walls were filled with creepy portraits of trees and the ocean. One tree seemed to be growing from a cloud, while the ocean just floated over the sky. Yeah, that's normal alright.

               I followed them inside a pretty big room, it had cameras the size of a truck. That was an exaggeration. But they were really big. They all faced a small stage, one had a green screen and the other was completely white. I felt like I was seeing heaven.

              "Good morning," A lady with a clipboard came rushing towards Rayne and then pulled him away to a back room.

              "He isn't supposed to be wearing shirts with brand marks on it. So they'll change his clothes," Cassy whispered to me, "You can sit right here next to me, big boy."

               She shoved me back on a chair, the ones that look like director chairs. I felt like a king.

               "How long is this going to take?" I asked her.

               "Just a few minutes," She replied. She looked like someone was talking to her through the headset.

               Why is it so damn cold in here? Why can't I enter one room without having to feel like a penguin in Alaska?

               "Guys, we're ready to film. The actor has arrived, get your ass back in here," She shouted into her microphone stick.

               Rayne came back a few minutes later with a different shirt on. He had that wide grin on his face again.

               "They threw my shirt in the trash can," He told me as he approached me.

               "That's rude."

               He looked down on his new shirt. "It's fine. I like this one better."

               I poked his belly. "I like it too."

               Cassy clapped loudly. "Okay love birds. Time for Rayne to stand on the stage," She pulled him away by the wrist and pushed him into the stage.

               The director came in, I knew he was because he had a shirt that said I'm the director.

              Some girls were pouring Rayne in make up, he looked irritated. I don't like make up either, makes my skin feel weird. And his skin is already perfect, why do they need to ruin it with the make up?

               The whole process took a while, and Rayne had only like three lines? The director kept telling him to do it over and over and over. I guess the first time wasn't enough? It wasn't perfect enough? I think he did wonderful. Rayne is a great actor and a model. This boy is full of wonders, it's making me a little jealous.

               He needs to share the talent with me, I could use it.

               At least he was having fun, his smile will win over the stupid people who will watch the commercial. Cassy even poured some of the cream into my face while the director filmed. She's so weird.

               "Benjamin, take off your shirt and hold the damn product correctly!" Cassy commanded him. Now it's time for the pictures.

               This product is evil...

               It's making my Rayne a liar!

               I guess it's called acting for a reason...

               I blinked fast when he took off his shirt, his chest looked so different when it wasn't wet or when he wasn't laying down. It looked fucking good. I wanted to rub my tongue all over it again. I'm still unsure about his lower area, but I'll get to it one day.

               Little by little...don't rush it...

               Cassy took the camera right out of the photographer's hand and began taking the pictures herself. 

               "Hey! Give it back!"

               "I'll give it back when you start doing your job right," She kicked him out of the way and took the pictures of Rayne, "and can someone bring me my coffee!"

               "I think that's enough pictures, don't you think?" Rayne told her after a few minutes.

               "You're not my boss!" She screamed.

               Dude, if every woman was like her then the world would be a better place.

               "Am I done now?" He asked.

               "Alright everyone, that's a wrap!" Cassy announced and everyone walked away.

               I don't have the patience to be a model or an actor. When people tell me what to do, I usually react in a very impudent way. The only person that can tell me what to do and expect action is my mom and maybe Rayne.

               Okay, yes to Rayne. The least I want is for him to slap me.

                Rayne threw his shirt back on and scurried towards me.

                "Honestly, I hated it," He whispered to me, "Cassy can be so impulsive sometimes."

                "I heard that!" She screamed from God knows where.

                "You were meant to!" He retorted.

               She then appeared without her headset on. "Jerks. Come on," She waved.

               Rayne took my hand and pulled me out of the chair. We followed Cassy through the door and down the hall. Again with the creepy paintings. Cassy led us through an opened door, the inside room was very bright and it was a kitchen. Was it a real kitchen or was it a stage? I'm not really sure what's real anymore.

               "Do you guys want coffee?" She asked as she headed towards the stove. Yep, real.

               "No thanks," I answered.

               "Me neither."

               "Alright, make yourselves comfortable," She pointed at the end of the room where a few couches stood.

               "Are you ready to become irritated?" Rayne grinned at me.

               "I heard that!"

               He rolled his eyes as he led me to a couch. I'm a little afraid of his cousin, so I don't know what to expect. Is she going to threaten me?

               Rayne needs to stop being so ... thoughtful. And I need to stop being so paranoid. He sat a little too far from me and I didn't like it one bit. I wanted him close to me, very close. So I grabbed his hand and pulled him right on top of me.

               "Whoa, hey guys don't get freaky in here," His cousin said as she sat across from us.

               Rayne gave me a look as he slid down next to me. What did I do? I just want him close to me, that's all.

               "Sorry," Rayne apologized to her.

               "So Jesse, how old are you?" She asked, giving me the stare as she sipped her coffee. 

              "Twenty one."

               "Interesting, perfect age, isn't it?"

               "Um...yeah..." I felt like I was meeting his parents, the hateful version of them.

               "Where are you from?" 

               "I've lived here all my life. Never moved."

               "Interesting," She squinted her eyes at me, her crossed legs gently tapped against the table in front of us, "Are you gay?"

               I felt Rayne grip on my arm tightly. I didn't know what that meant. Does he not want me to answer it? I can't read hand touching! 

               "I'm bi," I answered. I almost said Raynexual.

               But yes, that's the case. I'm Raynexual.

               "Usually guys who say they're bi are liars. Are you a liar? Jesse?"

               "No."

               "I see...I see..." Her eyes were giving me the dirtiest glare right now. I'm not a criminal!

               "Cassy, leave him alone," Rayne hissed.

               She rose her hand to quiet him down. "I'm not done. So Jesse, how did you meet Rayne?"

               The memory of us meeting made me chuckle. Such a wonderful first impression.

               "We met the first night I came to the dorm building," He answered, "it was dark and we crashed against each other. My boxes smacked his face and the rest is history."

               "Violence already, huh?"

               "Shut up, Cassy. You're the queen of violence," He retorted.

               "I was a little bit of a jerk to him but I came around and learned to like him," I added.

                "A little?" Rayne looked up at me.

               I groaned. "Okay a lot!"

               "It's okay, you know you're forgiven."

               Cassy kept glaring at me. "So you both like the abuse. Kinky..."

               "I'm going to kick you between your legs," Rayne threatened.

               She looked so calm, that's one of the things that terrified me the most. She was enjoying this - making me afraid. I feel like she's going to swing her leg around and smack me in the face with her heels.

               "Go right ahead, baby," She opened her legs. "Oh! Are you guys hungry?"

               "You open your legs and ask us if we're hungry? What's wrong with you?!" He yelled at her.

               "No, stupid," She got up, walked to the kitchen and came back with a box of pizza, "Eat all you want!"

               I grabbed a pizza when she opened it. I'm a guy, I'm freaking hungry all the time! And not to mention I skipped breakfast for Rayne. I'd eat the whole world right about now. Except Rayne. I'd leave him alive.

               "Cassy, have my parents called you?" Rayne asked.

               "Oh! Now that you remind me, your mom called this morning and told me she misses you so much. And then told me not to tell you she misses you."

               "I knew she wouldn't hate you," I muttered.

               He sighed. "She's just pretending like everyone is."

              Now that he mentions it, everyone is kind of pretending nowadays. That's so weird.

               "What else did she say?" Rayne asked as he wiped the sauce from my chin.

               "She just said you have to be punished or some shit. You know I'm an atheist so I don't believe any of that bullshit."

               "Punished? She's taking it a little too far. Rayne is her son, not the devil," I said.

               "That's how our family is," Cassy shrugged, "they were taught by their parents who were taught by their parents. It's a whole path of crazy people."

               "I know he'll be fine. He's an amazing person and he'll be happy here."

               "Can you both stop talking as if I'm not here?" He blurted.

              "That's impossible to do," I smirked.

               "Ahuh..." Cassy had her mouth opened in a disgusted way. "Yeah...you're both making me sick. And not because you're both gay, trust me, there is nothing hotter than boy on boy action. But you're making me sick with the way you two look at each other. So stop it."

               "You're just jealous you don't have anyone," He said.

               "Uh, honey, last night you told me that you both aren't even boyfriends so don't you talk," She said all sassy-like.

              He pursed his lips and rolled his neck. "Don't go sassy on me."

              "Don't go flamboyant on me!" She snapped back.

               "You wanna go at it?!" He dared.

               "Sit your ass down," They were both getting annoying now. "Speaking of ass, who's the bottom?"

               I smiled and pointed at him.

               He punched my chest, again.

               "Ow!" I groaned.

              "Don't hit him, Rayne. Respect your future boyfriend or you're going to drive him away. And don't get all upset, you know you're the bottom anyway."

               He growled at her. Actually, both of them growled at each other. Rayne jumped over the coffee table and attacked her - making the couch fall back with both of them on top of it.

               I slowly grabbed another slice of pizza and ate as I watched the two animals attack each other.

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[Author's Message...]

   *eye twitches*