i want to say what you want me to

i want to feel the way that you need me to

but i'm impatient, and I can't stuff these feelings down

they won't stay hidden in my mind

silent in my thoughts

they keep spilling out

in the tears from my eyes

they crop up when you can see them

no matter how hard i try to conceal them 

you always cut right through the mask

the thin veneer i try to hide behind

i wish this was something i could stuff away

there have been so many things

so many hurts

i've hidden away with great ease

they crawl under my skin

pinch the muscles in my shoulders

draw lines on my forehead

but they stay quiet, they stay hidden

but i can't hide from you

i don't want to 

but it would kill me to hurt you

do my thoughts hurt you?

forgive me dear

for being so messy

i hope you didn't see the tears 

i tried to hide last night

i'm sorry for making you worry

it's not your fault my head is always so cloudy

i'm so used to lonely,

but now I've let you learn to know me

i  never thought this would happen

that someone would want me

that they'd want to have me 

and truthfully, that scares me

i hate it

that part of me wants to run

to turn around

and let you choose someone better

I know it's not true

and i know i'd worry you more

but if i were to hurt you

it would just prove i don't deserve you 

and i fear that i hurt you

when every two weeks

i seem to break down

just because, you've said we must wait

i want to be the best for you

to give you the most of me

i know i need to grow

and i really want to

i'm just afraid

that i can't by the time you're ready

i know you'd worry

if you knew i was thinking this

one day i know

this part will be over

things will be different 

clouds will clear

puzzle pieces will fit

hopefully one of those pieces

can be your hand fitting into mine

(April 2020)