"Just because I think it's a dumb play, doesn't mean I won't follow you."

95. saint or sinner

MILO

     BY THE TIME THE RV PULLED up in Alexandria, his joy of seing a picture of a healthy little Rhee had faded. Instead dread had settled in his stomach at the thought of having to break the news to the others of the group. Rick ordered everyone to gather at the church in an hour, while Olivia got working on placing the food in the inventory and wrote down all they had. Milo jumped out of the RV as quick as he could and started helping to unload the boxes, hoping that it would help him take his mind of the task that lay ahead.

Before he could carry the first box towards the inventory though, Quinn stopped him in his tracks. Her hazel eyes looked up at him in worry and he felt his heart ache at the sight.

'Are you okay?' She mumbled, keeping her voice down so no one would be able to hear the worried question. 'You've barely said a word on the way here.'

He shifted the weight of the box in his arms and nodded then. 'Yeah, fine.' When she didn't look pleased with his answer he quickly added: 'I just gotta help Olivia with these boxes, I'll see you in the church yeah?' And without waiting for a reply he walked around her and headed for the house they used as pantry.

He realised he felt even worse now after having lied to his sister. But he couldn't exactly tell her that he didn't agree with going to war. She wouldn't understand. She was basically already standing ready in her battle gear. If anyone would follow Rick to fight and protect their family it was her. She'd been doing so since the prison, she wasn't going to stop now. He knew part of her longed for peace but he also knew she believed she didn't deserve peace, not before having tried everything she could to atone for her sins, which she did by fighting for her family. 

She wouldn't understand how much his bones ached by the thought of having to fight again. How heavy his heart felt at the thought of having to pull the trigger, of watching blood flow. He hated it. Things were supposed to be different once they reached Alexandria but now they were about to turn out more or less the same.

Milo was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't even see Jesus until he walked straight into him. The box fell out of his hands and the corn rolled all over the pavement.

'I'm sorry,' Milo sighed, kneeling down to collect the vegetables.

Jesus got on his knees as well, a small smile on his lips. 'No worries,' he replied, helping to gather the fallen corn. 'You seemed pretty far away,' he observed.

Milo simply nodded, not knowing what to say and so deciding it was best to keep his mouth shut. He reached for the last piece of corn and placed it back in the box. Jesus held out the corn he gathered and Milo took it from him and got back to his feet again. He continued his way to the pantry and to his surprise, Jesus kept walking beside him.

'I've only know you for a day now,' the man began and Milo dreaded his next words, 'but I do know that, despite what you just told your sister, you're not fine.'

A heavy sigh left his mouth. 'That obvious huh?'

Jesus shrugged. 'Only when you're watching.'

Milo ignored the weird flip his stomach made at that comment and instead focused on getting the box through to the door to the pantry.

'You don't have to explain it to me,' Jesus said, his tone light, as if he was talking about something as simple as the weather. 'But explaining it to people you love might make you feel better.'

He almost dropped the box again but managed to put it on a shelf at the very last second. Then he finally gathered the courage to look at the blue-eyed man. 'I'll keep it in mind,' he said, managing a small smile before quickly making his way out of the pantry and towards the church. He didn't understand why Jesus' words had upset him so much, it wasn't like he said anything Milo didn't already know. Still, they echoed through his mind as he sat down in the church and waited for the last people to arrive.

Someone took a seat beside him and he didn't have to look up to know who it was. 'I'm fine, Quinn,' he said once again, though the words burned in his throat.

For a moment she remained silent, then he could hear her take a deep breath. 'How did I end up with so many stubborn men around me,' she mumbled.

A chuckle left his lips, he simply couldn't help himself. He looked up at her, only to find she was already watching him. She didn't look worried, or angry. She simply seemed to wait for him to say whatever was on his mind. 'Just give me some time to get my head wrapped around having to fight again,' he finally said.

Her eyes studied his face, as though she was trying to read his very soul, then finally she nodded, turning her eyes forward to Rick who had taken place in front of the gathering crowd. A deadly silence fell over the group and Milo braced himself for the reaction Rick's words would bring. It remained silent the entire time Rick explained what happened and what they had to do next. As Milo looked around he was surprised to notice that nobody looked afraid. Shocked, yes. Apprehensive, yes. But everyone seemed ready to pick up their weapons and go to war. He didn't know what to do with that fact.

'And we can work with the Hilltop. Maggie hammered out a deal. We're getting food, eggs, butter, fresh vegetables. But they're not just giving it away. These Saviors, they almost killed Sasha, Daryl and Abraham on the road. Now, sooner or later they would've found us just like those Wolves did, just like Jesus did. They would've killed someone, or some of us. And then they would try to own us and we would try to stop them. But by then, in that kind of fight, low on food, we could lose. This is the only way to be sure, as sure as we can get, that we win. And we have to win.' Rick pointed at Jesus, who was seated on the first row. 'We do this for the Hilltop. It's how we keep this place. It's how we feed this place.' His eyes turned to Milo as he spoke his next words and he felt his heart grow heavy. 'This needs to be a group decision. If anybody objects, here's your chance to say your piece.'

He could feel Quinn's eyes on him as well, while keeping his own gaze focused on his hands, clenching them as if he could put all his worries into his fists. He didn't know what to say, what to do. He loved his family, would die for them if need be, he just didn't know if he had another fight in him, another kill...

One of the wooden benches behind him creaked and with a frown he turned around. He hadn't expected anyone to feel the same way he did but when he saw Morgan standing, he wasn't surprised. He should've known the man wouldn't be okay with killing more people. All heads turned to Morgan as he stood, his eyes conflicted and his face painted with a worried frown.

'You sure we can do it?' He questioned, his eyes looking straight at Rick. 'We can beat 'em?'

'What this group has done, what we've learned, what we've become, all of us. Yes, I'm sure.' Rick spoke with so much conviction that for a moment Milo felt a fire flare up inside of him but it was gone as soon as he looked down at his hands and pictured them to be painted crimson with sins. He wanted to be able to fight, but he just wasn't.

Morgan nodded at his words. 'Then all we have to do is just tell them that.'

'T-they don't compromise,' Rick stammered, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

'This isn't a compromise,' Morgan fired back, his tone growing in both pain and fury. 'It's a choice you give 'em. It's a way out, for them and for us.'

'We try and talk to the Saviors, we give up our advantage, our safety,' Rick tried to reason. 'No, we have to come for them, before they come for us. We can't leave them alive.'

'Where there's life, there's possibility,' Morgan said.

'Of them hitting us!' Rick snapped.

'Hey, we're not trapped in this,' Morgan replied. 'None of you are trapped in this.'

Milo was on his feet before he even knew what he was going to say. Morgan's words awoke a bravery inside of him that he didn't even know he had, because the man was right. They weren't trapped in this. 'Listen, I don't think talking is the way to go,' Milo spoke, his heart hammering way too loud in his chest. All eyes turned to him now and he could hardly bring himself to look at Rick, knowing the disappointed look that was about to appear in his eyes. He never wanted to disappoint his family, but with what he was about to say it seemed like he had no other choice. He couldn't do it. 'Like you said, we'd be giving up our advantage but I don't-' He took a deep breath to steady himself. 'I don't think we should recklessly barge in there either. There has to be another option than to fight. We gotta be more careful with how we approach this. We're about to poke a hornets nest you don't even know the size of!'

He was right, the look in Rick's eyes was too much to bear but he couldn't stop now. 'Maybe we should just watch them for a while,' he continued, his voice almost pleading now. 'See with how many they are, find out if they have any other out posts. This is our life that we're talking about. You can't think that we'll just handle it because if we can't...That'll be the end.'

The silence was deafening and his heart was beating so loud he felt like everyone could hear it. All eyes were burning straight through him and saw the fear that was threatening to overwhelm him. He didn't want to lose his family, but he didn't want to lose himself either. He had to no idea what the right decision was here.

'We'll stop them,' Rick spoke, his voice softer now, his eyes pleading with Milo to understand. 'We have before.'

'What happened here, we won't let it happen again,' a new voice joined the conversation.

Milo turned to look over his shoulder and saw Aaron had taken a stand as well, but not against Rick. His eyes were filled with fire, the will to fight and defend what was his. And right now that fire was directed at both Morgan and Milo.

'I won't,' Aaron concluded, nodding at Rick before sitting back down.

'Well looks like it's settled,' Rick said. 'We know exactly what this is. We don't shy from it, we live. We kill them all. We don't all have to kill. But people are gonna stay here they do have to accept it.' And with one last look at Milo and Morgan, Rick left the church.

'Milo-' Quinn began but he was already on his way after Rick. 'Give me a moment,' he softly pleaded to her. He watched as her gaze saddened but she nodded and let him go.

He all but ran out of the church, his eyes roaming the street to find the direction the man had gone in. He finally saw him walking towards the house and sprinted after him. He was out of words, had no idea what to say to take away that awful look of disappointment in Rick's eyes, yet every part of him wanted to try and make this right. He caught up with Rick on the porch and his footsteps took the man's attention before Milo could even say a word. Rick turned around to look at him and something else was shining in his blue eyes, something that cut through his heart like a knife, abandonment.

'Listen,' Milo pleaded, walking up the steps to join Rick on the porch. 'Just because I think it's a dumb play, doesn't mean I won't follow you.'

Rick nodded, slowly. 'I appreciate that,' he replied, then frowned. 'There's more, isn't there?'

Milo chuckled despite the heavy feeling pressing on his chest. 'Apparently hiding my emotions is not my strengths.'

A small smile tugged at Rick's lips. 'No, it's not.'

With a sigh Milo sat down in one of the rocking chairs that stood on the porch. His eyes once again went to his hands and he pictured them covered in blood so clearly. 'I've been fighting most of my life,' he finally spoke. 'But killing was never a part of it. Not until...' He made a gesture towards Rick's shoulder where he'd been shot that day.

Rick nodded, his hands on his hips as he listened to Milo trying to find the right words.

'I killed for her that day, to save my sister's life. And when the world ended there was never a doubt in my mind that I would do it again. And after a while it wasn't just for her anymore.' He laughed lifelessly. 'I've lost count of the amount of times I've pulled the trigger. I never stopped to think about that every time I took a shot, I was slowly killing myself as well.' He inhaled deeply. 'At what point do I stop thinking about my family and make sure that I survive as well?'

He fell silent, the last of his words leaving a tense silence in the air. He had never said those words out loud, the fear of disappearing beneath his love for others. He had given up a career in politics for his sister, he had been in jail for his sister, he had given everything to her and to this family. He never asked for anything in return, he didn't want anything in return. But sometimes he wondered when he could start making sure that he had a life.

The silence was finally broken by Rick, who walked forwards and sat down in the other chair. He put his hand on Milo's shoulder and Milo held on to the touch as though it was a lifeline saving him from the storm.

'If anyone deserves to live a happy life, it's you,' Rick said, his voice breaking. 'What you've done for this family, for Carl and Judith...I can never repay that debt. So if you need to stay here, if that's what you want, I won't hold it against you, I never will.'

Milo shook his head. 'No, I can't stay behind knowing you are fighting out there.' Either they all stayed behind, or no one did. He refused to stay behind when his family was putting their life on the line. He could pull himself back together afterwards.

Rick looked like he wanted to protest but something in Milo's eyes stopped him. 'All right,' he mumbled. Then he squeezed Milo's shoulder. 'Doing this, it will keep our people safe.'

Milo swallowed his tears. 'Maybe,' he whispered.

For a moment they just sat there in silence, both trying to wrap their minds about what their lives had come to, what they were willing to sacrifice to keep their loved ones safe. They weren't all that different from each other, cop and criminal, both with hearts too big in a world too cruel. But there was no more time to dwell it, for there was work to be done and they both knew it.

Rick got to his feet first and Milo followed. They headed back towards the church where Michonne, Jesus, Daryl, Quinn, Glenn, Maggie and Andy - the man in the red shirt who had come along from Hilltop - were gathered around a table with a paper on it, clearly ready to discuss tactics.

'Tell us what you know,' Rick said as the two of them came walking in. 'Describe it.'

Andy was holding a marker in his hand and began drawing out the compound while he talked. 'Rectangular building,' he began, 'big satellites on it.'

'Any windows?' Rick asked, his eyes focused on the paper.

Andy shook his head. 'I don't remember any. I think they made it so there's only one way in.' He drew a line where the door was suppose to be.

'Guards outside?' Rick questioned.

'Yeah, two of them, at least,' Andy replied, putting two crosses in front of the door.

'And you don't know how many people they have?' Michonne asked.

The question made Milo uneasy but the answer was even worse.

'No,' the man replied honestly. 'I saw a place where they stored food. It wasn't that big, so-' 'You've been inside?' Rick interrupted.

'Yeah,' Andy told him, 'they had us load in supplies one time.'

Glenn reached for another paper and put it on the table. 'What do you remember?' He questioned, gesturing at the paper for Andy to start drawing it down as well. He drew a long hallway with only one door.

'You didn't see any other rooms?' Maggie spoke up.

'No,' Andy said once again. 'It's a big place.' He drew a square and wrote pantry in it, then pointed at the hallway he'd drawn. 'This is the hallway I saw. There is more.'

'And every time they had you bring things into here,' Michonne said, pointing her finger at the pantry.

Andy nodded, seemingly becoming more and more nervous as he talked. As though he only realised now what they were about to do. Milo was way ahead of him, feeling more sick with every word spoken. He had told Rick he'd be there because he refused to let his family to go war without him but the thought of going in there this blind made him regret his words.

The Hilltop resident shook his head to clear his thoughts and then added: 'We brought a couple of spears for them. Two of the Saviors took them down this hallway.' He drew a line into the hallway on the right. 'Now they must've done something with them because they didn't come back with them.'

'Maybe a weapons locker, an armory,' Jesus suggested.

Andy wrote armory and Milo wished he wrote a question mark beside it, because nothing about this was certain. They wouldn't be able to make a safe plan with this little amount of information and it pained him. They were about to go in there practically blind. The thought of losing anyone made him look at the group, as if wanting to take it all in one last time. 

Quinn and Daryl, standing close together, both looking at the map with such similar focused expressions on their face it was almost funny. Maggie and Glenn, both looking worried but ready. Rick and Michonne, with their war faces already in place. Jesus, who looked mostly worried but trying his best to hide it and Andy, failing miserably to hide his nerves. Milo wondered what he looked like and he thought it was probably anything but ready. He wished he felt ready, he wished fighting came easy to him. But it had always been a burden. And it always would be.

'Okay,' Glenn broke the heavy silence. 'We get in there, secure the armory, that's how we end it.'

Rick nodded.

'That's how Carol ended it here,' Maggie added, as if wanting to remind them all that it had been done before and that they could do it again.

'But we don't know if they have an armory,' Andy said, 'or where it even is.'

'Well, we got a lot of good guesses,' Daryl said, looking around the circle. 'We've done more with less.'

'We go in at night while they're sleeping,' Rick spoke up.

Andy shook his head. 'The guards won't be sleeping. 'Like I said, I think there's only one way in and there's no way to burst through that door without waking the rest of them up.'

'We don't need to,' Rick said confidently. 'They're gonna open it for us, let us walk right in. They want Gregory's head, right? We're gonna give it to 'em.'

Milo frowned at him, needing a moment to proces his words.

'How?' Glenn was the one to ask what was on everyone's mind.

'We have enough heads walking around out there,' Rick explained. 'We just gotta find one that looks like Gregory's.'

It was smart, Milo had to admit that much. But it was only smart if it worked and while there were indeed a lot of walkers out there, he doubted there were much that looked like the leader of the Hilltop.

'Get some sleep everybody,' Rick said, looking around the group. 'Tomorrow's a busy day.'

Milo was the first one to leave the church. His head was aching from the thoughts spinning around in there like one of Quinn's old ballet moves. He was exhausted and headed straight into his bed when he reached the house he shared with his sister. But even though he was tired as hell, he couldn't fall asleep. He kept on twisting and turning until the sun came back up and by the time he had taken a shower and eaten some breakfast, he was sure he could just fall over at any moment and sleep right there on the ground.

But somehow he managed to get himself into the RV. He even managed to stay awake as they drove away from Alexandria until they found a place at the side of the road that Rick was satisfied with. As they parked the cars, the drivers all let the car horns echo through the morning air. The sound was loud enough to get him up and moving. He was holding a gun in his hand and had his trusted axe tucked behind his belt.

'Alright,' Rick shouted. 'We'll peel off every quarter mile, meet back here in a couple of hours. See what we got.'

Glenn came walking up to him. 'Wanna head out together?'

Milo nodded, starting to head for the woods on the right side of the road. 'Let's go,' he said.

Together they worked their way through the scrub. The sound of the horns should bring any walkers nearby their way and Milo hoped they would come soon because the eery morning silence gave him chills.

'Why are you here when you don't want this?' Glenn questioned suddenly.

Milo held his gun a little tighter. 'I could ask you the same question.' He looked at Glenn over his shoulder. 'I know you, you don't want this either.'

A sigh came from the man. 'We do what we can to save the people we love,' he said, though he did not sound happy about the fact.

Milo nodded for that was exactly the reason he was even here at all. For someone else, it was always for someone else.

'Can I ask you something?' Glenn said and the tone of his voice made Milo stop in his tracks. When he turned to look at this friend he startled at the sight of the sudden heart shattering pain in his eyes.

'Yeah, anything,' Milo replied without doubting, taking a step closer to his friend, ready to comfort him if necessary.

Glenn took a deep breath. 'If something happens to me tonight-' he cut himself off and took a moment to gather his thoughts, 'if I die. Will you promise me that you take care of Maggie? Make sure she and the baby are okay.' His voice became a soft whisper. 'Promise me you'll get her through it.'

'Nothing is gonna happen to you,' Milo promised him, though he knew his words were empty.

Glenn shook his head. 'We both know that's bullshit. Promise me, Milo.'

He was held captive by the gravity of his voice and he knew looking into Glenn's eyes that his fear was real. He was afraid of his wife losing him, of having to go on without him. He wasn't scared of dying, he wasn't afraid of losing his life. It was a selfless fear, the fear of leaving someone behind in so much pain without him there to bring any form of comfort.

Milo swallowed his tears and took a step forward, pulling Glenn into a tight embrace. 'I promise,' he whispered into his shoulder. He held him as close as could, hoping he could provide the comfort every one of them so desperately needed right now.

Finally they let go and Glenn tried to smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. 'Let's go find some walkers.'

They continued their way through the forest. The first walkers they ran into were all female and so they kept moving. While a walked it had started to rain and soon Milo was completely soaked. He hardly noticed it though, his thoughts focused on the night that was coming and the promise he made to his friend. 

'There,' Glenn muttered, pushing Milo against the arm to warn him of the small herd that was heading their way. There were six of them, nothing they couldn't handle.

Milo looked at his friend and gestured to the three walkers on the right. Glenn nodded at him and they both moved forward. Milo put his gun behind his belt and instead took his axe in his hand. He kept inching closer carefully but as soon as the walkers caught sight of him he broke out into a sprint. Holding his axe tightly, he brought the blade down with such ferocity that he split the head in two. The walker fell down but another came in its place immediately. Milo only had to take one quick look at it to know it would never pass as Gregory and so he didn't bother killing it carefully. The third didn't look like the Hilltop leader either and he cut its head clean off without a second glance.

He turned to look at Glenn who had killed all three as well. He was seated by one of them, inspecting its features. 'What do you think?' He asked.

Walking closer he stared at the head of the walker Glenn was pointing at. 'Maybe,' he said. 'If we cut the hair, trim the beard.' He fell silent, the weirdness of the situation suddenly dawning on him. 'Let's just take it and go,' he muttered.

Glenn nodded and got back on his feet. He placed his machete at the corpse its neck and began to cut it lose from the body. When it was done they put it in a bag and started making their way back towards the others. They had almost reach the road when Milo stopped in his tracks, making Glenn come to a halt as well.

'Can you promise me something as well?' He asked.

'Of course,' Glenn replied immediately.

'If I die tonight, will you keep an eye on Quinn?' He could barely get the words over his lips. The thought of what his sister would do if he were gone...He could guess that it probably wasn't pretty.

Glenn nodded. 'You got it,' he said.

Milo smiled thankfully at him and then resumed their walk. 'Oh and I thought about something else,' he said, feeling his smile widen already. 'Naming your kid after me would be a great way to honor me after I'm gone.'

Glenn stared at him for a second before smiling broadly and it felt so good to see his face light up with happiness once again. 'I promise,' he stated mockingly.

'I'm serious,' Milo said, pretending to be hurt.

'Of course you are,' Glenn grinned.

With wide smiles they reached the rest of the group but the moment of laughter soon passed when Rick called them together to go over the plan one last time. 'We're gonna take a look around, try to get a feel for how many people are in there. We like how it looks, we go in. A couple of hours before dawn. The guards outside'll be tired. Everyone inside'll be sleepin'. We don't like what we see, we head back, we make a new plan. They don't know who we are. We'll keep Jesus in the shadows. This is how we eat.' He looked around at everyone, as if having to remind himself of that fact as well. 'This is how we eat. We roll out at midnight.'

Milo took a deep breath, his hands holding his gun tight, his heart beating like a war drum in his chest. He was scared, so damn scared. His eyes found Quinn's and she gave him an encouraging smile. He tried to answer it, but he knew he looked miserable. They were going to be alright, he was going to alright.

They had to be.

A U T H O R 'S  N O T E

I think I broke my own heart writing this...Milo deserves the whole damn world and I feel so bad for doing this to him. This chapter was so hard to write because I really feel like I suck at dialogue and it's so hard to write everyone in character. So I hope everyone felt true to themselves and of course I hope you guys enjoyed reading this!

I wanted to say a big thanks to all of you guys once again. The amount of love this story gets never ceases to amaze me. The way you all are invested in Quinn and Milo's story just warms my heart and I couldn't ask for better readers. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

xx Nelly