"Get up, you big lug!" Cole's sister tried to unsuccessfully push him out of bed. It had been over a week since he walked away and a few days later it hit him all at once. He had chickened out. At first, helping around the farm kept him too busy to think or feel, but when he was forced to help around the area reserved for the Christmas festival, he felt more than he wanted. The first thing he heard was a little boy, nearly as adorable as Jacob, asking Santa AKA his uncle for many different toys. It brought Cole back to the moment he met Jacob and his life changed.

Well, it could have changed. He ruined that the moment he left Noelle and Jacob the night of his performance. He rubbed his chest every time he thought back to that evening. He berated himself endlessly for acting so stupid. So what if all of the feelings he was feeling caught up to him and finally made him afraid? He could have still acted like a gentleman and then ended the night sharing his worries with Noelle.

Noelle. Yes she was still in his mind constantly. Now he could only focus on the confused and worried look her face held when he left so abruptly. He then pictured that face turning into a sad one and the tears that stung his eyes caught him off guard. He hurt the first person in a long time that made him think of the future and he had no one to blame but himself. He had gone up against some of the most powerful men in sports, played the biggest games of his career, and none of that had made him feel like she did. Like her son did. But why did he leave then?

He still couldn't understand why the overwhelming feelings caused him to run. He prayed and wished and prayed some more that he could turn back time and plant his feet to the ground. None of that came true, and each morning he had to wake up to the feeling of loss. A few days ago the feeling poured over him and it left him unable to do anything. With the excuse of feeling unwell, he escaped to his cabin and hid to be left with his thoughts.

From there, it only got worse. From the images of Noelle he had in his mind came others of Jacob. How Jacob might have felt when he came back out that night only to realize Cole wasn't there anymore. Was he sad? Was he angry? Did he get over it quickly? Those are the thoughts that had tears finally escape and run down his face. He deserved all of it and for no real reason. He had never hated himself until now.

With his sister's poor attempts to get him out of bed and a phone with plenty of unread notifications, Cole closed his eyes in hopes that Ashley would get the hint and leave him alone. Only she didn't. She knocked on his door for 20 minutes yesterday before leaving. Cole had thought that was the end of it, but later that day when he heard keys jingling followed by his door opening, he knew she found the extra key in the planter outside. She had entered, moved some things around then entered the bedroom where he had been plastered to the bed and then made a disgusted sound and left.

He knew he probably smelled after not showering in four days, but he also knew his sister was dramatic. Like today when she showed up too early and started physically trying to move him out of bed. At first it was irritating, but then watching her struggle and get more and more determined amused him to no end. She had managed to roll him over, but he was too heavy and too stubborn to be pushed off entirely. Another time he might have laughed hearing her huff and puff, but his heart was too shattered to enjoy anything fully and it was only his fault it was like this.

The only sounds for a moment were the sounds of his sister trying to catch her breath. He hoped she had given up and would be leaving soon, but when he felt the weight shift at the edge of his bed, he knew she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"What's going on, Colemy," the sad voice of his sister broke the silence. He didn't have it in him to respond audibly so he just rolled over onto his stomach. His sister let out a defeated sigh and threw herself onto her back.

"You know, I'm not going to judge you or make fun of you right? We're really worried about you. I'm worried..." her voice died off at the end and his heart twisted. Not only was he breaking the hearts of others, he was worrying his family. He felt like a real piece of work for making so many people so unhappy especially during the holidays.

"Please," Ashley pleaded. The hitch in her voice made his eyes sting. Maybe he wouldn't feel like a useless lump of a person if he just told someone.

"I.." His voice croaked. That's what happens when you don't use it for days. "I messed up," was all he could get out.

The stillness afterward only lasted a moment. "What did you mess up?"

"My chance," he kept the answer short since his voice still didn't feel strong enough to say more.

"I need specifics Colemy boy. You were like a zombie a week ago and then you disappear. That's not okay and maybe I can help."

Cole closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. What if she hated him for what he did to an innocent little boy and the most beautiful and loving person he ever met. He supposed no one could hate him more than he hated himself at the moment so after a deep sigh and rubbing plenty of sleep out of his face he told her what happened. Rather, what he had done.

Through a lot of stammering and breaking of his voice, Cole finished telling his sister what had happened. The entire time she looked at him with a passive expression, not giving away how she truly felt. When he finished she stared at him for so long he began feeling insecure. Maybe it was a bad idea to tell her what happened. Then her features changed into a look of pity and he instantly felt worse.

"Oh, Cole..." she said wistfully with more empathy in her than he cared to hear. "You're afraid."

"I know I'm afraid. I've never been more afraid of anything in my life and that's why I ran." He stood up so quickly he almost fell back down. He realized he hadn't eaten in too long with the dizziness that followed. "I don't think I can fix it, so now I'm stuck here replaying what I did and thinking about what they are up to."

"Well...eventually you'll stop thinking about them and they will move on. I guess it just depends on time. Are you okay with that?"

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes at her question. Of course he wouldn't want them to move on. The idea of them with someone else, another man becoming the father Jacob asked for managed to let a tear break loose. Ashley, who had still been watching intently quickly walked over to him and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry for being so brash. I just want you to see that maybe you should fight for this. I've never seen you so broken up before it's scary. I even thought about hiring a priest to perform an exorcism!" Cole let out a chuckle through his tears. Some of the weight that had been crushing down on him melted away.

"I don't know Ash..."

"You do know. We all know the only solution to this and it means you're going to have to get out of bed and shower. Maybe two showers because oh boy are my nostrils crying right now." They shared a laugh at his poor predicament that he put himself in and for a short moment he felt a small flicker of hope.

"If you want it, you have to fight for it."

And fight for it he would.