Okay so here it is! Last chapter of the book !

First of all I want to thank all of you for your patience and for reading his huge fic that was an absolute delight to read :) Also I would like to ask you to read the end notes and answer the questions and statements I wrote.

But until then happy reading ! :D

---

Previously on chapter 32:

Niall's POV

Louis and Luke catch up to me in the kitchen while I'm busy finding a beer opener.

"Where were you guys? It's already eleven." Louis asks and leans against the counter.

I shrug as I look for my lighter, finally giving up on looking for the beer opener.

"Bowling. Then eating."

"So you left together yesterday?" Luke pushes as I open the beer with my lighter.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And what?"

Louis groans. "Why aren't you-ugh, Niall. How was it? Do you like her?"

"Of course I fucking do mate, what the fuck." I laugh, taking a sip of my beer. "It was good, I don't know. We had fun."

"Then why don't you seem more excited about it?" Luke asks.

"Because I don't like sharing my feelings." Louis answers for me, trying to imitate my accent.

"Exactly." I agree with him.

"So are you together now?"

I shrug. "Haven't talked about it. And I don't really want to right now."

"Aw, are you scared?" Louis teases, pinching my cheek.

"No, just nervous."

"About what?"

"About, I don't know, fucking things up? I don't really know how it's supposed to work, and she had a long term relationship before so she expects a lot from me. Probably."

"Mate, I think you think she's way more high maintenance than she actually is." Louis tells me and places his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you happy?" Luke asks.

I nod.

"Great, then that's all that matters."

We end up agreeing that Luke is right and that we should stop talking about our feelings before it gets too awkward, so we join everyone in the kitchen for a game of Activity.

Rey is already on the couch, so I join her while Jake and Zayn prepare the game and try to pick teams.

"So there's ten of us and only four pawns." I hear Jake say, but I'm too focused on Rey sipping on her drink to actually take part in the conversation.

"Did you have fun tonight? Forgot to ask."

She looks up at me and smiles, which makes me smile.

"Of course I did. Even though I think the game was won fair and square." She jokes.

And the problem is, she looks so beautiful I can't help but pull her in for a kiss. And then another one, and it's enough to get me to place my bottle on the table to focus on the kiss.

She tastes like wine and she's warm, so I push her down on the couch until I'm between her and the couch and she's almost over me.

I know that I should have probably talked to Zayn about it first, but it's Rey, for fuck's sake. I can't even remember the first time I started liking her more than despising her.

And she does a thing with her tongue that makes my dick twitch in my pants every single fucking time, fuck.

"Um, do you want us to leave the room?" Sophia asks and Rey sits back up properly.

"No, sorry." She apologizes.

"We're using my lip balm for an extra pawn." Sophia explains. "I'm with Liam, you're with Niall, then there's Zayn and Perrie and Louis with Harry. You all know the game, right?"

Rey nods and then turns to look at me. "Are you ready to fucking crush them? Because you know I can't stand to lose."

My heart jumps in my chest.

I love you

"Fuck yeah." I say and high five her before I also sit up properly so I can play.

I ignore the bubbling feeling in my stomach; a mix of happiness, fear and something I can't quite place. But for now, it's okay.

"Are you paying attention?" Rey asks me, getting me out of my thoughts.

I nod. "Always."

We're okay.

----

Rey's POV

I take a card from the board and look at the first drawing task. Of course Niall doesn't want to start slow and tells me to go direct for the five point card. I have to draw a fucking piano string and Niall has to guess it, so basically we're fucked.

I start out by drawing a few piano keys and then a string, hoping that Niall will get it because I'm shit at drawing.

"Piano??"

I nod, motioning for him to keep guessing.

"Piano strings!"

"YES!" I exclaim excitedly and high-five him.

Jake and Luke are the only ones who also advance with five points, while the rest are still at the starting point.

"Okay, concentrate. You know this." Niall says and gets up as he looks down at the five-point card. He has to mime something and I have absolutely no idea what that is.

He thinks for a second before Sophia turns the hourglass around and the time starts. 

"Bag? Sack?" I ask, looking at the way he's bending over and holding his hands up to his shoulder. He nods and takes his hands over his head to mime a house.

"House? Santa Claus! Oh my God, CHIMNEY!" I yell and he screams, nodding.

We advance another five points.

"How did you get chimney from that?" Perrie asks and shakes her head.

"It's called being disgusting." Jake agrees and I flip him off as Niall sits back down next to me.

"We need to beat them, now focus." Jake tells Luke as he sits up to mime something.

I don't really pay attention, because Niall's hand is on my thigh and he smells like heaven next to me and I can't believe that we're...that we are.

Thirty minutes later, we're neck in neck with Jake and Luke, Harry and Louis following closely behind.

"Fuck, I have to draw now?" Niall groans, looking at the four-point task.

"Shit, you're like, the worst drawer ever." I whine and he shoots me a look, but everyone in this room knows I'm right. Yet, we can't afford to lose to Jake and Luke, because we will never hear the end of it.

He stares at the card in front of him and shakes his head before he grabs the pen and then the hourglass is turned around, so here we go.

Niall draws two stickmen holding hands and then draws them again, looking angry.

"Is that us?" I ask and he excitedly nods.

Then he proceeds to draw a wavy line between the heads of the stickmen.

"Telepathy?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Oh my God, chemistry?"

"YES!" he yells and high fives me.

"I don't want to play anymore, this is ridiculous." Jake says and shakes his head.

"Don't hate the player hate the game mate." Niall laughs and I am so in love.

Fuck.

Niall and I end up winning the game, with Harry and Louis coming in to a close second, and then the last places are undecided because Jake flips the game board. Of course.

Sophia gets worked up about it and starts arguing with Jake, so Niall and I slip out on the balcony to have a smoke. Luke and Zayn follow us outside as well, and it shouldn't be weird anymore that Zayn is here, but it sort of is.

There's an awkward silence at the beginning and I can see that Luke is trying to figure out how to get out of the tense situation now. Zayn takes the lead though.

"So you're together now." he states and I can see panic flashing through Luke's eyes.

"What's that Jake? Be right there! Oh and you want Rey to come in as well?"

He grabs my hand I let go of the cigarette, following him back inside. That was probably one of the worst excuses ever, but I love Luke for trying.

Back inside, the argument between Sophia and Jake has died down and everybody is set on playing Mario Kart now, so I take a seat next to Jake and try not to think about what Niall and Zayn could be talking about right now.

It feels like ages until they come back, but when they do, I try talking to Niall just by throwing him a questioning look. He understand that I'm asking him how it went and he nods, smiling, before he follows Zayn into the kitchen.

I let out a relieved sigh as I lean into Jake. We're okay.

***

Niall and I meet in the parking lot before classes start on Monday and I'm a bit nervous. As cliché as it sounds, I'm nervous because I'm not sure what he thinks about showing our relationship in public at school.

It's not a small school, mind you, but everyone still knows everyone, sort of, and people will have shit to say about us. I'm also fully aware of Niall's history with the girls at our school and that a lot of people (guys and girls) are still trying to get into his pants.

I think about that time when he was dating Zoe and how people still flirted and messaged him, even though they knew very well that he was in a relationship.

Jason gets out of the car and shakes Niall's hand before throwing me a look as he walks away.

"What's wrong?" Niall asks when he sees me leaning against my car.

"Huh?"

"You're fidgeting."

"Yeah, I'm just nervous."

"About the History test?"

"There's a test today?" I ask, mouth falling open.

"Third period." He nods, amused.

"I can't believe we've gotten to a point where you remind me of tests. And shit, I didn't even study for it."

He leans against the hood of the car so our arms are touching, hands in the pockets of his jeans and backpack hanging off of one shoulder.

"So it's not the test then." He says, more than asks.

"I'm just...I don't know. I'll be fine, really."

He frowns at me, knowing very well that I am lying through my teeth about it, but lets it go because he sees Luke walking over to us.

The three of us walk into school together and Niall doesn't make any type of movement to seem affectionate towards me, so I bite my lip and focus on getting to my locker before the bell rings.

I don't know why I'm disappointed and at the same time relieved. I know how relationships within the school work: everyone will have their opinions on whether we're compatible or not or whether or not we look cute together and then everyone will start reminding me of how Niall is with girls and I'm just not....I can't.

"I have to get to class if I want to pass, I'll see you at lunch?" Niall asks and before I can even nod or say goodbye, he's off down the hallway towards the stairs with Luke.

I lean my head against the locker and close my eyes for a moment.

"Hi bitch."

I open my eyes and turn my head to stare at Jake, who's grinning at me.

"Hi."

"What's wrong?"

I hate it that he knows me so well, because I'm not sure if I want to talk about it with him.

"Nothing."

"Why are you lying to me when you know I know you better than anyone else? Didn't I raise you better than this?"

I sigh and he wraps a hand around my shoulders. "What's wrong Renee?"

"I just don't want people to start talking shit about Niall and I."

"Did anyone say anything?" Jake asks, looking me in the eyes.

"Not yet, people don't-they don't know."

"And why are you worried about that anyway?"

I roll my eyes. "Because I've been through it with Jed already. Because he was on the football team and everyone knew him they talked so much bullshit about us and how he was definitely going to cheat on me because he's one of the fittest guys in school-"

"Jed is not Niall-"

"No, Niall is Jed times ten. And that's why I know it's going to be worse. You remember how hard it was the first month when rumors started going around for no reason-"

"And you made it through it with him. It lasted more than a year Rey, and it was Jed. If you and Jed were able to get over it, you and Niall definitely will too. And also, what is this negativity? If you think you're going to have a hard time you will. Positive thoughts, bitch, positive thoughts."

"Yeah, you're right." I fake smile, wanting nothing but for this conversation to be over.

It might just be in my head, but the only reason I worry about it is because I really want Niall and I to be...happy. I forgot how butterflies in the stomach feel, how much fun it is to have someone to do stuff with and...and it's Niall.

I think back to half a year ago, where I was stood right where I'm standing now, cursing Niall off in my head.

The bell rings and I gather my stuff to go to my first lesson, worries still in the back of my head. When I pass by Niall's class to get to mine, he's leaning against the door talking to a girl I've never seen before and my pessimistic, self-loathing mechanism kicks in as a hundred reasons why Niall would be talking to her cross though my mind.

He spots me from a few meters away and he smiles, but I just nod and pass the two of them to get to my class.

I throw one more look in their direction before I step inside, just to see that Niall is still looking at me confused, still nodding at whatever the girls is saying.

First ten minutes of being in school and I already have doubts about whether I made the right decision. And I hate myself for it.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I kind of already know it's Niall, but I pretend that the reason I don't even look at the screen is because the teacher just walked in.

***

To say that I'm dreading lunch would be an understatement. I haven't read Niall's texts yet because after the first class I was swooped into a conversation with Sophia and Perrie about the upcoming match that we have to cheer for and then during the second break I was talking to Jason about what he could do for Lilly for their anniversary, which only made me think about Niall and I.

As soon as I step into the cafeteria I see Niall and Louis at a table with Jake and Luke, so I know there is no way I won't have to sit with them.

I check my phone, finally, just to see that it's a text from my mother who's asking about what my favorite color is. I send her an answer, deep down feeling disappointed that it wasn't even Niall.

I try to get out of my thoughts as I order a salad and a cold water before I turn around and stare at the table. I've sat with Niall before and yet somehow this time it feels different. I'm not sure how he expects me to behave because we haven't even discussed it, we haven't even talked about us in a way.

I shake my head because I always overthink stuff that isn't even there and then end up jumping to conclusions-shit, Niall would probably be better off without me.

Aaaand now I'm in my head again. Great.

I choose to sit across from Niall at the table because I always sit next to Jake anyway, and since he doesn't even see me sit down, I guess it's irrelevant anyway.

I'm trying to listen to the tea Jake is about to spill on two guys he saw making out behind the bleachers, when Niall says hi to me. I greet him back and he pats the space between Louis and him, but I shake my head and smiling before I turn my attention back to Jake.

Being rude wasn't my intention but Niall looks properly confused, but not an innocent confused, more of an angry confused. I shoot him a questioning look and he rolls his eyes and obviously ignores me.

Now it's my time to be angry confused, even though I could understand why he would be mad at me. My smile and shake of the head seemed like I was pissed but it was honestly meant like a polite no thank you, no passive aggressiveness whatsoever.

Lunch goes by awkwardly and tense, because everyone noticed that we didn't even exchange more than one word in twenty minutes, and I can see that they're shooting each other looks to find out if anyone know what it's about. And this is exactly why I hate the whole school charade.

As soon as the bell rings to signal that lunch is over I tell Jake that I have to hurry to Psychology and as soon as I'm out the cafeteria doors I realize that most of the people at that table also have Psychology with me, including Niall.

Fuck. Fuck my life, honestly. I hate myself.

The class is empty, of course, and the moment I see Jake walk in confused with Sophia behind him, followed by Liam, I already know that they all came together. And now I look like the biggest loser who has random moments like saying they have to hurry to get somewhere as an excuse to avoid tension and forgetting that the whole tension is going in the same place anyway.

I'm afraid to look at Niall but I do it anyway, because it's impossible not to want to look at him when you know he's in the same room.

We make eye contact before he turns around to sit down to his desk diagonally from me across the classroom.

Our teacher walks in and everyone quiets down as he leans back against the desk and claps his hands together.

"I would like to collect your last week assignments about how a good or a bad childhood influences people in complete opposite ways and judging by your faces you have no idea what I'm talking about. Great. For next week then." Mr. Cooper smiles and I smile. It's good to have a few teachers who understand that the last year of school should be easier for the students who have bigger things to worry about.

"I saw a documentary yesterday. It was about people who have Aphenphosmphobia."

He takes a look at our faces who express just how much we know about the subject, so he proceeds to explain that it's the fear of intimacy.

"So I am going to push the topic I had in mind for today to Thursday." Silence. "Anyway, Aphenphosmphobia isn't what I want us to discuss today, it's a sort-of branche of the complex tree that is..."

As he starts trailing off about feelings I spare a glance at Niall, who seems very interested in his phone that's hidden under the table.

I see Mr. Cooper look at him for a moment before continuing. "Today we're going to discuss Animotophobia, which is the fear of emotions."

A guy in the back snorts. "Why would you be afraid of that."

Mr. Cooper points at him. "Even though your tone wasn't right, that is a derivate of one of the question we will answer today. I want to hear what you think would be a reason for people being afraid of emotions. Mr. Horan, you may start."

Niall snaps up from his phone and locks it quickly, before smoothly slipping it into the pocket of his jeans while throwing a charming smile towards Mr. Cooper.

"I'm not really sure, Mr. Cooper." Niall says, the right corner of his mouth curving upwards.

I raise my hand and Mr. Cooper nods.

"I think one of the reasons people are afraid of showing emotions is because they're afraid to get their feelings hurt."

The whole class turns to look at me, except of Niall, who's staring at the bench.

"Thank you Ms. Parker b-" Mr. Cooper starts but Niall raises his hand and speaks before Mr. Cooper even gets the chance to choose him.

"Or maybe it's because they're actually scared about what other people would think." Niall says and it hits me right where it hurts. I didn't even talk to him about it and yet somehow he knows what it's about. I'm pretty sure that there's no way Jake would have told Luke who then would have told Niall.

I huff. "Maybe they don't like the idea of people having opinions about-"

"Or maybe they're cowards." Niall interrupts me, this time turned around with an arm draped over the back of his chair as he leans against the wall.

Jake mouths 'shaaadee' to me and I pull my lips into a thin line to show my feelings about the whole situation.

The class is silent and Mr. Cooper looks like he's about to go search for a knife big enough to cut the tension. He also looks like he has no idea what's going on but he's trying to figure it out.

"Uhh...the fear of showing love type of affections was in the back of the schedule but we can talk about it."

Silence again.

Someone in the front raises their hand and he sighs with relief when he says their name.

"Can people be afraid of bad emotions too?"

"Yes, of course they can. Emotions can be both pleasant and unpleasant. Can anyone tell me some effects of Animotophobia?"

No one raises their hand, so Mr. Cooper sighs, clasping his hands together. "Some symptoms may be nausea, rapid heartbeat-"

"Then we're all Animephobic." Jake says and the class laughs.

"Yes, Mr. Malik, you're right. We're all animotophobic in our own ways."

Jake shoots him a sassy smile and Mr. Cooper shakes his head as he continues. "Also loss of control and sense of reality, as well as excessive thoughts. Knowing these are some symptoms and effects, how would you imagine this individual?"

Tall, fake blonde with blue eyes and chicken legs.

"Behaviourally speaking." Mr. Cooper adds when he sees people looking at each other.

Oh, then not being able to work out an argument or being fucking stubborn.

"Stubborn." Niall says from across the room and I look up at him.

I raise my hand and wait for Mr. Cooper to look at me.

"Running away from arguments that concern their actions." I say, maybe being a bit too specific than I should have.

I see Niall rolling his eyes so I roll mine in response as Sophia is picked to speak.

"I think a person suffering from this would be the type to overthink situations and jumping to conclusions too soon." She says and I look at Liam to see if there's something going on there too, but Liam and Sophia are both looking at me with pursed lips.

I flip them off.

"I agree with the jumping to conclusions part." Jake states, raising his hand after he answers.

Luke huffs on the other side of me and I frown.

"Maybe some people are too preoccupied to think about all the ways it could go wrong that they forget to enjoy themselves." Luke says and Jake raises an eyebrow, pursing his lips.

Before I can even figure out what's going on, Niall speaks up again, seeming really interested in the conversation for the first time in four years.

"People who do that aren't animotophobic, they're just selfish."

I make a face. "And why would they be selfish?"

Mr. Cooper opens his mouth but Niall gets his words out first. "Because thinking about the ways it could go wrong and thus not showing emotion isn't the fear of emotion. It's sabotaging the relationship to save their own ass-"

"I think we're derailing off topic right now-" Mr. Cooper tries to intervene and raises a finger.

"How is trying not to get hurt selfish? It's having respect for yourself-" Jake says.

"Because trying to avoid getting hurt always ends up hurting the other person involved." Niall states.

Mr. Cooper sees an opportunity in the two silent seconds after Niall's opinion. "I will allow you to speak freely now, without raising your hand-"

"And that's selfish." I state more than ask.

I don't even know where to start with this argument.

"Yes, it is. What other reason would someone have to just don't talk about what's on their mind and making arguments out of nothing, if not to sabotage the relationship?" Niall asks, poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue and raising his eyebrows.

"To protect it." I say, voice breaking during the second word, and even though it was for a split of a second, I know that Niall caught it.

"Kids, we are getting off track right now-"

"To protect it from what?!" Niall raises his voice. "From the situations that y-they make up in their head?"

I clench my jaw because he's partly right.

"Actually, you both may be onto something here." Mr. Cooper says and this time everyone listens to what he has to say. Animotophobic people tend to try to avoid events that would result in emotions by doing activities that are neither rewarding nor costly. So, in a way, your hypothetical example matches the excessive thoughts symptom as well as the activities used to, as Mr. Horan put it, sabotage the situation."

Niall cocks his head at me and just stare at him, too invested in my own thoughts to properly look at his face.

"For the sake of the argument, what are some of these 'activities' you speak of?" I ask, maybe a bit too sassy for a conversation with a teacher, seeing as I just mimed quotation marks.

"Well, for one, lying." Mr. Cooper starts. "About things that didn't actually happen or about other people they may be interested in, if we're still talking about the hypothetical example you...discussed earlier."

Zayn raises his hand from the front row and everyone has surprise written across their face because Zayn never, not once in the past four years, voluntarily spoke.

"I think one of the main causes of Animotophobia is the lack of communication, be it a relationship or not. If you want things to work out but you're too scared to do it, it means you don't really want things to work out."

I look down at my nails. Who would have thought that Mr. Cooper's psychology class would turn into a therapy session? I sure as hell did not.

"Thank you for your insight, Mr. Malik." Mr. Cooper says and although it could be interpreted as sarcasm, I actually believe that Mr. Cooper is happy Zayn is finally taking part in his class.

Thirty minutes ago I came in trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation like the baby I am and now I'm facing it with twenty other people watching, which was my fear and what started the 'argument' in the first place.

There's an awkward silence in the classroom, and everyone is looking at everyone, not saying anything. I take a look at Niall, who thinks that his desk top is far more interesting that the conversation we're having (or had), and then at my own hands, who seems to be shaking for some reason.

I bite the inside of my cheek and start counting down from 10 to 0 so I can calm myself.

"Alright children." Mr. Cooper starts and walks behind his desk to get out some papers. "I have a short text for you here, that analyses the parts of your brain and what pushes the mind and body to do certain things to hide emotion. I want you to read it and underline what you think is important before you give them back to me and we can discuss it further."

I close my eyes and sigh. There's nothing I want more right now than to just be literally anywhere else other than here.

Mr. Cooper throws me a weird look as he places the piece of paper on my desk and continues walking.

After a few minutes of reading the first sentence over and over again, it's clear to me that I can't even concentrate on one word, let alone a whole page. What I can do though, is overthink the situation.

I think about how I completely fucked up things with Niall in the first day of being back at school after we've patched things up and decided to date, how I passive-aggressively accused him of something he didn't even do, and how much better off he would be without me.

There's tears prickling my eyes so I raise my hand and excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I look at the ground as I hurry out of the classroom, hating myself for being the way I am. I've never felt like this before, not even when I was with Jed. I never felt like I had to protect myself from getting hurt and somehow I do now.

As I enter the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, I realize that the reason for not feeling the need to over analyze everything was because I never really felt for Jed the same way I feel about Niall.

It feels like whatever it is that I'm feeling for Niall is a hundred times more powerful than what I felt for Jed. Which means that it can also hurt me a hundred times more and I'm not sure if I could handle that.

I would wash my face to freshen up but I know that my makeup would run down my cheeks and it wouldn't be pretty. I go into a cubicle instead and when I come out, Niall is leaning against the sinks, arms crossed over his chest.

We lock eyes for a moment and it's dead silent.

"I didn't know two students were allowed to leave for the bathroom at the same time." I say and I hate myself for it. I know I'm being rude and confusing without reason and Niall must be wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, but the butterflies I felt in my stomach the moment I saw him scared the fuck out of me.

"They don't, but our 'hypothetical' example gave Mr. Cooper enough reason to let me out and come after you."

I don't say anything as I wash my hands.

"So are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?" he asks and my heart drops. How can I explain something to him that I can't even understand?

"Niall, I-"

The door opens and a girl steps in, stopping abruptly when she sees us.

I grab into my purse and bite my lip just as the bell rings.

"I need to get home, my mom texted me."

His eyebrows furrow. "You're lying."

"Niall, I promise you, whatever's going on right now doesn't have anything to do with you."

"Does it have anything to do with you?"

I nod, still not forgetting the girl in the doorway watching us.

"Yeah it does."

"Then it fucking concerns me."

The girl's eyes widen and I see her taking her phone out to text someone.

"I'll tell you about it some other time, I can't right now."

"Renee."

"Niall." I say, looking up at him as I step back.

"What did I do?"

His eyes are warm but I can see that he's confused and my heart hurts for treating him like this. He deserves so much more.

"Nothing, I swear. It's just my head. I have to go now."

Before he can say anything else, I hurry out the door and into the crowded hallway to get to the parking lot. Fuck cheerleading practice, I need to go home and stay in bed all day.

I text Jason on my way to the parking lot that I'm feeling sick and I'm going to go home, and I don't even wait for him to tell me that he's going to take an Uber before I climb into my car and lock the door.

It takes me a few moments to realize that I don't even know what I'm doing or why I'm feeling like this, but all I know is that I'm hyperventilating and I need to get home as soon as possible.

The ride takes five minutes less than usual because I run all the yellow lights and I don't really slow down when I get into residential areas.

There's no one home, thank God, so I don't even bother to take my shoes off as I walk upstairs into my room. As I take my makeup off, I look back onto what happened today and I cringe at my behavior.

I'm so ashamed of how I treated Niall in the first day of school after we decided to date and right now I can't even imagine facing him and explaining that it's all in my head and that I'm just a weird person.

The bed is warm when I get under the covers and close my eyes, wondering if sleeping it off would make me calm down and get some perspective.

***

Turns out, sleeping does not help get some perspective, because when I wake up a few hours later to see that it's already dark outside, everything that happened comes crashing down on me.

I check my phone to see a few missed calls from Jake and Sophia, who then texted me asking where I went off to and if I'm coming to cheerleading practice, which was over two hours ago anyway.

I groan and throw my phone under the pillow. No texts from Niall. I did expect it, but that still doesn't mean I'm happy about it, even though I know there's no reason for him to ask how I am after our conversation in the bathroom. I take my phone back from under the pillow and open Snapchat to get rid of the notifications.

As I go through the stories on my Instagram, I see one that a cheerleader posted of the practice, which shows Niall in the background talking to a cheerleader I can't quite place. I stare at it until my finger goes numb from holding the photo into place and then lock my phone.

The practice ended three hours ago though and the boomerang was posted half an hour ago, so it doesn't quite make sense to me until I remember that today the boys were going to have a friendly game against one of the other schools in London. And I wasn't there as head cheerleader.

My heart hurts and my head hurts and my stomach growls because I haven't eaten since 12pm at school and yet I don't think I could eat right now. The thought of having fucked up things with Niall already makes my appetite go away.

I open WhatsApp to see that Niall isn't online, so I start typing a message.

Can we talk?

I shake my head and delete it.

I need you

I delete it again.

What are you doing?

I'm about to delete it again when there's a knock on the door. I groan.

"Jason I'm sleeping, go away."

I wonder if I locked the door but then I remember that I don't care and ask Jason to go away once again before I get under the covers and close my eyes.

The knocking stops and I sigh, relieved, trying to think about something that will make me fall asleep, but all I can think about is Niall.

I don't even realize that Jason actually came into the room until I hear him locking the door.

"I told you I'm sleeping." I mumble, pulling the blanket closer to my chest.

"And I told you I know when you're lying."

My heart stops and I sit up to look at Niall, who's standing at the end of my bed, hands in the pockets of his Adidas training jacket.

"How did you get in?" I ask.

"Your brother let me in. Don't worry, your parents aren't home."

I clench my jaw as we exchange looks. He's still in his football gear, which convinces me that there was definitely a friendly game that I missed.

"How was the game?" I ask, voice dying at the end.

"We lost."

I frown. "What? Wasn't it with a team that was lower-"

"Yeah. I kind of fucked up a few goals."

I look down at my nails that have been bitten for the first time in four years.

"I'm sorry." I say, wondering if him moving from where he's standing would ease the tension. Probably not.

"The game wasn't your fault."

"I know. I'm not apologizing for that."

He finally moves to sit down at the end of the bed and I pull my legs to myself so I'm sitting with them crossed under me.

"What happened at school today?" he asks and I feel so much love for him it hurts. He came, to my home, even after I was a complete bitch to him at school and is now in my bed. I don't deserve him.

"I don't know." I say after a long pause.

"I don't believe that."

I bite the inside of my cheek a bit too harshly.

"I know, but I'm not lying. I really don't-I don't know."

"You don't have a reason for being rude to me since the moment we stepped into that school today?"

"I wasn't rude to you then."

"So you agree that you were rude. At some point."

I nod. "Yeah. I'm really sorry-"

"I don't care if you're sorry, I care about why."

"It's because, fuck. Okay."

He waits for me to find the words and I love him so much for that.

"It's because I was scared of...everything. I was scared and I still am scared about people just...ruining things."

"What things?"

"Between us." I say, and the moment it comes out of my mouth, I realize it's stupid. "I mean, having opinions and-"

"People won't ruin things between us, that's stupid."

I know it is stupid, but hearing him say that hurts, because it all started from me being afraid to lose him due to other people and now I realize that I might lose him because of my own self.

"Yeah, I know."

My throat is getting weird and I know that there's tears threatening to leave my eyes, so I blink away from him and get out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"I-getting a jacket. I'm cold." I lie and hurry into my closet to wipe my tears away.

When I come back out he's in the bathroom and I wonder if the discussion is over, but then he comes out in only his football shorts, shirt in his hand, and I die.

"Have you stopped avoiding the conversation?"

I nod. "I wasn't avoiding anything."

"Renee." He says and I know it's bad because he only calls me that when he's serious or mad, and those two don't usually go separately. I don't move from where I'm standing by the entrance of my closet and he doesn't move from where he's standing next to the bathroom door, across the room.

"Niall."

"I hate talking about feelings and right now I'm realty trying to understand you but if you can't talk to me about whatever it was you were thinking at school today, I don't think I can...I don't think I can do this."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

And then the reality downs on me: I made it happen. I brought him to a point where he has to tell me that he doesn't think he can do this.

"I'm scared, Niall. I'm scared, okay? And it's stupid, I know! But this morning was-when we were by my car, I was thinking about what people would do and think when they find out that we're dating." I see him wanting to say something, so I go on quickly. "And I know it's really bad for me to think about other people but I remember how girls acted around you when you were with Zoe."

"So you're afraid of me cheating?" Niall asks, looking offended.

"Not really-it's just people who think our high school is set in Gossip Girl and who have something to say about everything."

"Renee, if I say I like you and I want to be with you then you should trust me. When I was with Zoe-"

"You cheated on her. With me."

My lip trembles when I remember that he did do to Zoe what I'm most afraid of with me. I helped him cheat so many times I can't even count and now I'm trying to act all scared when I was just as guilty as he is.

I run my hands over my face and through my hair as I think about the situation. I didn't even think about the fact that the reason I might be so scared is because I actually helped bring my worst fears to life when he was dating Zoe. Then again, back then I didn't even think that Niall and I would ever be a possibility.

Either way I think about it, I know I'm in the wrong and I feel the need to apologize to Zoe for being the way I am and doing what I did. But then again, I wonder if it's selfish not wanting to apologize, because I wouldn't have realized that I love Niall.

"So now you're not going to trust me because I cheated on her with you?"

"I didn't say that."

Niall crosses his arms over his bare chest and I try to not let it distract me, but his muscles are right there.

"But you're thinking it."

He's not wrong. But he only cheated on her because I was also willing.

"If you're going to have that in the back of your mind for your whole life, then it's better if we both find someone else, right?" he asks and I feel tears welling up behind my eyes once again because no no no.

There's an invisible pressure on my chest that makes me feel like I don't have any air so I try to think about something that makes me happy, but the only thing that has made me happy right now is standing right in front of me, scaring the fuck out of me.

"No."

He cocks his head. "No what?"

"No, I want-I don't want us to find someone else."

"Then can you tell me what was going on at school today?"

"I already told you."

"So you're worried I'm going to cheat on you."

"No, not really that. I'm worried that people will start spreading rumors that will be easy to believe-"

"And you're going to believe them or what?!" Niall asks, raising his voice.

"No-"

"What do I need to fucking say to make you believe that this isn't the same situation as I was in with Zoe? I never-fuck, Renee. I never felt about Zoe what I feel about you. And if you can't believe me when I tell you that then we can't-we can't work. I know I'm not an expert at relationships and you are, but just because Jed cheated on you and I-we did what we did when I was with Zoe-fuck."

He stops to look at me because I'm trying so hard not to cry, but my clogged-up throat and the tears in the corners of my eyes give me away.

"Don't cry." He says, voice soft, but it's too late now, so he moves off the door and walks over to me.

He smells like heaven when he's finally close enough for me to touch him, but I don't do it.

"It's not because of you." I say as he wraps his hands around me. It takes me a total of 0.3 seconds to melt into him. "I wasn't even thinking about Zoe today at school. I'm just scared because I don't want to get hurt. And I know that we talked about it in class and hearing you call me selfish really hurt because I feel like I'm the most selfless when I'm with you. And I feel like I don't deserve you and that you deserve better."

I feel his fingers gripping tighter into my shirt, but he doesn't say anything, which leads me to believe that he's thinking the same thing. And him agreeing that he deserves better could possibly ruin me.

"You're worried about me hurting you but I'm the one exposed to vulnerability here." He says into my hair and I step back, my body cold where he was touching me earlier.

He's right. He's the only one who said 'I love you' out of the two of us and yet I'm the crybaby.

"I don't want-I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that someone better will come along who you have more in common with and that you will..."

"Will do the same thing I did to Zoe." He finishes the sentence for me and shakes his head, eyes cold. "Renee, when I say that I want to be with you, I mean it. I never said I love you to anyone ever, and you not trusting me even after everything makes me feel like shit."

"I know, I'm sorry."

Niall takes a step back, putting even more distance between us and it hurts.

"Stop apologizing when you're not even sure why you're doing it! Maybe you need a few days to think about-I don't know, stuff, and then we can talk."

"No, Niall, I don't want a few days."

"But you need them. I shouldn't have come here after the game."

There's panic in my throat as I watch him go over to the bed where he left his football shirt and pull it over his head.

I watch him grab his phone from my desk and check the pockets of his jacket before he puts it on.

"I'll see you...whenever."

My head goes into overdrive and I can't process what's happening as he unlocks the door. He turns around, looking at me. The expression on his face shatters my heart completely because he looks beaten down and tired and confused and sad and I made all of that happen.

We stare at each other for a few moments before he just leaves, slamming the door behind him.

I break down on the bed, a whirlwind of emotions clouding my head. I just lost Niall and I didn't even really get to have him.

I hear him asking Jason to come open the gate for him and I clench my eyes shut, squeezing all the tears I was keeping at bay out of my eyes.

I love him so much it hurts, but this can't be the reason we're not going to work out. Loving him can't possibly be the reason we end things.

My phone buzzes on my bed but I don't even check it as I get out of bed and hurry to put on the first pair of shoes I can find before I'm sprinting out the door and down the stairs.

I meet Jason halfway and he asks me something I don't even bother listening to before I press the button to open the gate and run out the door. The thermostat shows ten degrees and it's raining, which I didn't even realize since the blinds were closed in my room.

I see Niall down the street walking towards the bus station, hood over his hair to avoid getting his hair wet and I yell his name but he's too far to hear me and probably has earphones in. I run even faster.

"Niall!" I yell and slow down when he stops. I see him turning around and removing one earphone.

I don't even know what must be going through his head now: a crazy girl standing in pyjama shorts and a spaghetti strap top in the middle of the street, looking like a wet dog.

"What?" he asks as I start walking towards him. "What now? I have to catch the bus."

I stop, taken aback by his tone. When I don't say anything, he shakes his head and puts his earphone back in before turning around.

"I fucking love you, okay?!" I yell, taking one step closer to him, before I realize that he has his earphones in and can't hear me.

But he stops and I get a rush of adrenaline through my body, completely forgetting that I'm cold as fuck because standing in the rain in my fucking pyjamas.

He turns around just as I come close enough so I won't have to scream for him to hear me.

"That's why I'm scared and why I'm acting like this." I explain and he pulls at his earphones to get them completely out of his ears.

He doesn't move so I take the remaining steps between us until I'm a few inches away from him, looking up to meet his eyes.

"I love you and I don't want-I want us to work out. I want to be happy and you make me happy and I don't make you happy but I promise I'll stop overthinking."

I watch Niall's face as he takes my words in, jaw clenching, and when I think he's about to say something, he unzips his jacket and takes it off to hand it to me.

"You'll get cold."

And it breaks me. Normal words, that would have meant nothing if spoken in a normal situation, completely and utterly break me, because it's an answer.

I look at the jacket in his hand, then back at him.

"Didn't you hear me?" I ask, voice breaking, jacket still in his hand.

"I did and-"

"I love you, fuck. I didn't love Jed the way I love you and that's why...that's why. I said it and I can't take it back but I'd rather get hurt knowing I tried making things better than get hurt for nothing."

What I just said doesn't make sense but I don't care because it's the best explanation I can give right now.

"I was about to say that I did hear you and I don't want you to get cold because I care about you."

"You do?"

It's stupid and we both know it, but he still shakes his head and places the jacket around my shoulders anyway.

"If you can't believe me after everything-"

"I believe you, but I'm scared because I've never been through this."

Niall places a hand on the back of my neck and looks into my eyes. "I've never been through this either, but I need you to trust me and trust yourself. Can you do that?"

I nod. "I know I exaggerated but I just don't want to lose you."

His eyes are blue and beautiful as they stare into mine for a second before he kisses me. I kiss him back, a wave of love and admiration and everything washing through my entire body.

"I love you." He says when he pulls back and I grip into his wet footie shirt to make sure that he won't walk away or something.

"I fucking love you." I tell him and he grins, kissing me again.

Maybe we are going to be okay, even as fucked up as we are.

I shiver because it's fucking cold and his jacket is made out of polyester which makes it cling to my body in a disgusting way.

"You're going to get sick if you stand in the rain much longer." Niall says, a smile playing on his lips.

"It was worth it." I tell him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"You sure?"

I don't know if he's asking me whether I'm sure about the fact that it's going to be worth getting a cold for this or if I'm sure about us, but either way the answer is yes.

"Yes, I'm sure. And getting a cold will be worth it too." I whisper and he gives me the most genuine, heartfelt smile I've ever gotten from him in my life.

"Not sure if you're going to enjoy a red nose and coughing up your lungs." He continues.

I just shrug, pressing a kiss to his lips. "It's just a bit of Cold Water."

THE END

----

Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat: ronniebennett94

Follow me on Tumblr: http://ronniebennett.tumblr.com/

Follow Rey on Instagram: http://instagram.com/rey_parker

Follow Rey on Tumblr: http://www.rey-parker.tumblr.com

Follow Rey on Twitter: https://twitter.com/rey_parker

Follow Niall on Instagram: http://instagram.com/nialltdb

Follow Niall on Tumblr: http://niall-tdb.tumblr.com

Follow Niall on Twitter: http://twitter.com/niall_tdb

Follow Jake on Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr: jakemalikbitch

----

Oh my GOOOD so this giant book is finally finished!! I can't believe I've been writing this for so long and that it's finally come to an end :(

UPDATE AS OF 11th Aug 2023: I just finished rereading this book after 3 days and I have mixed feelings

First of all, because I remember being soooo confident that I would write a second part , because I wasn't ready to give up on the Reyall universe, the characters, the vibes man. Then life got in the way, the inspiration well was dry, and I tried to come back to it but it just felt forced. My soul was (and is) calling me to write a new universe, different characters, and I'm aready on the second book.

Also, there is SO MUCH toxicity in this book but then I realised that I've been through this exact type of friendship/situationshop/relationship and that although it had its downs, it also definitely had its up and there was love there.

I felt uneasy reading some comments about people being done with the story, not liking it etc, because it is longer and more 'frustrating' than the other Reyall ones.
But I love it with all my heart; it's imperfect and raw and it shows the JOURNEY of two flawed teenagers that don't understand their own feelings and traumas and are just...getting through their last year of high school while also struggling with problems at home. Which is exactly what I went through as I started writing it , and writing it helped me process so much of my own unexpressed feelings, certain situations etc. (Rey saying she's done 29393 times was literally me back then - and it annoyed me now almost to the point where I wanted to change it, because I saw MYSELF in her.)

Rereading it after 5 years is surreal, because I wouldn't write it now, but man, am i glad i did write it and share it then.
I love this book, and I love all of the books I've ever written, exactly as they are. They were written out of love, out of the passion for creating&writing and out of the joy of knowing you were out there reading and enjoying it too❤️

There are no words to express how I am eternally grateful of the 2013-2018 era; I survived my teenage years because of this fandom and because you accepted and loved and cared about what I had to share 🥹 we grew up together over the years , and we all have dealt with our own shit, just like these characters.

Thank you, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, for being patient and reading amd commenting and everything in between. Coming back to Wattpad and rereading all of my works after so many years has made me realise that my soul's mission and purpose is to create & write, and that I am truly the happiest when I get to share it with people who were meant to stumble upon my works.

Thank you for the support, for everything. You made my literal dream and life aspiration since I was 8 come true.

Maybe we'll see each other in other books in the future  :)

xoxo,

Ronnie