Hii everyone :) thank you so much for waiting ! I knew I said weekly chapters and I didn't post last week, but here is the one that was supposed to be posted last week, and there will be one more chapter up by Sunday :) so stay tuned on Twitter !

By the way, the girls I asked you to vote for actually got picked to go to that RedBull challenge, so thank you guys for helping out :D

Happy reading and don't forget to read the end notes and share on Twitter what quotes you liked/reactions/etc :) i always like and retweet x

p.s. I added it again because people had trouble reading and getting the notification :)

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Previously on chapter 17:

"Tell me that you want me to drop it, and it'll be like we never did anything more than being friends." I say and lean back down. "Tell me now, and look me in the eyes. Otherwise I'll never know the truth."

He looks me in the eyes and opens his mouth, but he closes it back.

"You know what? You're not the fucking devil. You're a coward. And I am done." I say and stand back up, but he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me down to his lips.

For a moment, I don't even realize what's happening, until I do, and then I drop my bag to the floor and step closer to him so I'm standing between his legs.

We kiss and kiss and kiss, him sitting on the swing with me between his legs.

It's a slow, deep kiss, but it turns me on so much I can feel it through my entire body. My hands tangle in his hair and just as I want to squeeze my legs one by one between him and the swing, he breaks he kiss.

"I'm not a coward." He says, lips red and swollen. "But I am scared. And I just can't."

My face falls. "What can't you do?" I ask.

"I can't."

"You can't tell me to drop it?" I ask.

"No. I can't-I can't do this. Rey." He says and looks me in the eyes. "Drop it, please."

The sky falls on me, and everything crumbles.

"Okay." I say, faking a smile. "Glad you finally said it." Inside, I am fucking dead.

He frowns. "Are you okay with it?"

I nod. "Yeah." I smile. "I'm glad we settled this."

He looks sad, but I wait for him to get up for the swing before we go back to the guys.

"Well, it's late, I should get going." I say before we exchange goodbyes.

"I'll walk you to the car." Luke offers, but I insist it's not necessary.

"Oh come on, I need to get something out of the house."

I roll my eyes, trying to keep my emotions from showing.

As soon as we're out of eyesight, he turns to me. "Are you okay?"

"Mhm." I say, hoping he didn't hear the break in my voice.

"Look, you can't give up on him."

I sigh. "What are you talking about."

"Niall-"

"Luke, it's done. I'm over it. Please just-don't. Things are the way there are for a reason." I mumble just as we reach our car.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks.

"Why do you care?" I laugh, unlocking my car.

"Well, I've seen Niall break a lot of hearts but you're the only decent one-"

I laugh. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

"Look-" he says and grabs my arm just as I am about to get into the car. "He's an idiot. And he'll regret it."

I genuinely smile at him this time. "Thanks Luke. See you at the game tomorrow."

He smirks and I close the door, locking it, and make sure he's gone.

And then I break down, crying with my head leaning against the steering wheel.

----

Niall's POV

Luke comes back from walking Rey back to her car, and I try to look as if I don't mind it at all.

Niall: https://www.polyvore.com/niall/set?id=235949104

Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life by telling her to drop it? Her reaction to me doing that scared the fucking hell out of me because she honestly didn't even care. I have no idea why I said what I said, but all I know is that I did NOT want her to drop it, but that I also don't want her to be in this situation ever again.

It's better this way.

"I'm going home mate." I tell Luke and stand up from the bench, shake his hand, and then do the same with Louis.

I walk the short distance to my home, and as soon as I enter the house, Lilly comes down the stairs looking alarmed.

"Where have you been? Jason told me you left an hour ago!" she exclaims and tightly hugs me. I put my arms around her and close my eyes.

"Are you okay Ni? What happened? How-"

"I am fine." I sigh and look up to see Eddie at the top of the stairs, not really undertsanding what's going on.

"He's a prick Ni, I hate him so much." She says, her voice breaking, which breaks my heart. "I want him gone Ni, I actually want to never see him again."

"You won't, I promise."

She hugs me even tighter and I let her.

"Where's mummy?" Eddie asks and I tell him that she's got another shift.

It bothers me so much that my mother is working all the time and I can't help her. The last time I told her that I wanted to get a job she flipped out, telling me I had to finish high school first.

Lilly eventually lets go of me and tells me she'll make tea, so I walk upstairs after toeing my shoes off and washing my hands.

Eddie is waiting for me on his bed in his and Lilly's room.

"Can you sing to me?" he asks and I nod, getting the guitar from under his bed.

After ten minutes of me playing him some lullabyes, he's sound asleep, so I kiss his forehead and leave the room.

Lilly is in my room, leaning against the radiator by the window.

"Here you go." She says and hands me a mug.

"I don't drink tea." I tell her but I still take the cup.

"It's not tea, it's milk and honey."

I roll my eyes but thank her anyway as I sit down on the bed.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I ask her.

"What?"

"You're here and brought me milk. What do you want to talk about?"

She sighs. "Jason told me like, everything. That you came and saved them-"

"Bullshit, I didn't save anyone."

"Yeah you did Ni. You did."

"Well, it's over now." I say and she frowns.

"What do you mean it's over? Over with who? Our father?"

"No. With Rey."

"What?" she asks. "What did you do?"

"She asked me if I wanted her to stop trying and I said yes."

"You are the biggest idiot I know, I swear. That girl cares for you and you're being an asshole to her."

"It's-"

"Don't even, Niall!" she says, raising her hand to stop me from speaking. "You're dating Zoe for absolutely no reason and you send Rey mixed signals and we both know you care about her as well, yet you're wasting your fucking time with Zoe! It's stupid! You're stupid!"

"Stop fuckin' yellin' at me Lilly." I say, putting my ankle over my knee.

"I will not! Niall, when are you going to finally realise that people actually do care about you and that you're worth more than you think? Living your life running away from actually feeling something is a shitty way to live."

"What do you want me to do Lilly? Break up with Zoe, get together with Rey?"

She nods. "That would be nice, yeah."

"Well I can't, because I will fuck it up somehow-"

"Why do you always think that you will fuck it up?"

"Because I DO, Lilly. And I wouldn't-I couldn't-I can't." is all I can say.

How can I explain to her that the reason I can't fucking admit everything that's going on is because I am fucking scared to lose her? And if I don't have her, then there is no way to lose her. It's that simple. So I tell her exactly that, and she takes a few seconds to look at me without saying anything.

"Niall, how can you fuck it up if you never even tried making it work?"

"That's exactly it. I can't fuck it up if nothing happens. It's better this way." I tell her.

"Is it though? Is it? Because all I see is two miserable people who can't admit their feelings to each other for no reason at all."

"You don't understand."

"You're a coward." She tells me and the words hurt, because that's exactly what Rey told me earlier.

"I don't care what I am. I don't want to hurt her."

"Or, maybe, you're scared that you'll get hurt because you think there's someone better out there for her."

"Of course there is." I tell her.

"So? Who the fuck cares? Niall, she literally came to you right now, and you pushed her away. She's not going to move on to someone better, she wants you Niall. She wants you. And you're going to regret what you did tonight when you'll see her moving on with someone else who isn't scared to tell her how she feels."

I shrug. "Well we've settled things now and there's no going back. It's fine. I'll get over it."

"I don't know what else to say. I tried. But Niall, don't let your insecurities and fears keep you from being happy. After everything, despite of what you think, you deserve to be happy."

"When did you get so mature?" I ask, standing up from the bed to place my empty much on the desk. "I think Jason's a good influence on you."

"Hm, maybe." She smirks.

"Did you two..." I trail off, not really wanting to know the answer.

"What?"

"You know...do it? I don't know." It's weird.

"Niall, don't ask a question you can't handle the answer to."

"So you did." I say, making a face.

"Niall, let's not talk about this please."

She places her empty mug next to mine, and I pull her into my chest, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you." I tell her.

"And I love you. But you're still an idiot."

I wait for her to go to the bathroom and then get into bed, before I go downstairs and wash the mugs.

***

Rey's POV

I wake up the next morning feeling slightly better about the night before. I know that nothing changed and that Niall still told me to drop everything and give up, but it's a new day, which means it's the first day of my spiritual recovery and moving on.

But how can you move on from someone you never even dated? And how come I feel like we broke up even though we were never together?

And suddenly, I understand. I sort of understand. Because if we were to ever date and fall for each other properly, when we would break up it would hurt even more. I understand him now, he's scared.

But he could have at least tried. And I am done. I am moving on starting right now.

My mother announces that I have to go the shoot today, and even though I am in no mood and absolutely hate her for making me do this, I know that she would never forgive me for putting her in an uncomfortable situation with one of the hottest designers at the moment.

Perrie is waiting for me in front of the building where the shoot will take place, because she's also going to be a model and apparently we are going to shoot together.

"I hear Zoe's coming today too." she says and I roll my eyes. Just what I needed today: a reminder of why Niall isn't returning my feelings.

Rey+Perrie: https://www.polyvore.com/18.1/set?id=235900631

We make our way inside after having a smoke, and my stomach is rumbling because I made sure I didn't eat anything today so my stomach would look flat.

After the photographer explains to us that I will be wearing pastel pink and Perrie pure black, Zoe walks into the room, already dressed in combinations of our two colors. Oh, we're going to shoot with her as well? Great.

"Hi." She says, and I can already feel the tension between us.

"Hi." Perrie and I greet back, and I try to be cool. But I know myself and I know that I will have to eventually apologize to her. Because this would be one of the steps of moving on.

"Can I talk to you?" I ask her and she nods, looking a bit suspicious.

I pull her away into a corner of the room while the crew arranges the set.

"I am sorry for what I did on New Year's."

She smiles. "It's fine. We were both a bit drunk and we weren't thinking. I am sorry too."

"Are you and Niall okay?" I ask, not really knowing why, because I already know the answer and I know that I am not going to like it.

"Yeah we're fine." she smiles and doesn't say anything about what happened last night, which means he hasn't told her. Yet. Or maybe he won't tell her.

The photographer calls our names so we stop talking, and for the next two hours, we shoot and shoot until my stomach caves in because I am about to die of hunger.

After the whole session is over, Perrie and I go to eat in the nearest restaurant we can find.

Once we're done with eating, my mother texts me to get home because we have to go to the hospital to get checked out for some reason, so I leave Perrie and I tell her I'll see her tonight at the game.

***

Rey: https://www.polyvore.com/18.2/set?id=235900692

Apparently, after my really concerned mother made sure I was done with her important photo shoot, she arranged for us to go see a doctor about any type of 'post traumatic stress disorder' signs. To be honest, I didn't really think I'd have a problem with PTSD because nothing really happened and everything that actually happened, happened really fast, in less than an hour. And instead of dwelling over what happened, I was happy that we got out of it unharmed.

Still, after Jason and I talked to the doctor, she concluded that we both suffered from slight PTSD, especially me.

"I am fine mom, I do not need to see a shrink." I tell her on our way back to the car.

"Renee, the doctor clearly said that the survey you filled in and the way you answered her questions were textbook signs of PTSD and she advised us to send you twice a week to see her for the next month."

"That's bullshit!" I argue. "Honestly, I am fucking fine."

Who the fuck is anyone to tell me what I feel and do not feel? I am so angry right now I feel like I am going to scream. But until then, I need to focus on the game I have to cheer on tonight.

***

The game goes by pretty well, Jason and Niall score, and it ends 2-0 for us, so of course, the players and the cheerleaders are going out to celebrate. And since I made up with Zoe and three people have already asked me if I was going tonight, I kind of have to go. But before the club, everyone goes out to eat until nine, and then the meeting is in from of the club at half past eleven. Everyone chips in 50 pounds so we always get three tables in the VIP section.

I put on a Vans sweatshirt and the skinny jeans I came with before I grab my cigarette pack from my bag and head outside to the usual place where I smoke after the game.

Rey+Luke: https://www.polyvore.com/18.3/set?id=235926301

Of course, just as last time, Luke is there, smoking away while typing something on his phone.

"Hi." I say and light up my cigarette. He greets me back and then puts his phone in his pocket.

"So you're coming tonight?" he asks, smirking. What is it with him and smirking?

"Yeah, apparently I am."

Then, a stupid idea comes to mind, in which I make Niall jealous by flirting with Luke in front of him tonight. But then I think that making someone jealous doesn't mean getting over them, it just means caring even more.

We talk about the game and when he moves the discussion towards last night when I came to the park to look for Niall, I tell him that I got over it and that I didn't want to talk to him about it. He leaves it be, and I find it really weird and nice at the same time, that I can talk to him about anything without feeling uncomfortable.

The door opens and Niall steps into the "smoking area" which isn't really a smoking area, but we made it into one.

"We're going to the bar across the street." He says, more to Luke than to me. For him, it's like I'm not even here. It's like I don't even exist. And it fucking hurts.

"Do you need a ride?" I ask Luke, before I actually realize that I might want to drink. But we're going home before the club anyway, so I'll drink then.

"Sure. Let me get my stuff." Luke says, and throws a look in Niall's direction he thinks I don't catch, but I do. It's a look, as if asking whether Niall's okay with it, but I don't know what relevance Niall's opinion has on the situation at hand.

Then, without adding anything else, Luke leaves the two of us alone, which makes me panic a bit. So, without thinking about anything else except how to get out of this situation as quick as possible, I drop my half smoked cigarette to the ground and leave without saying a word to Niall.

Luke, Jason, Zayn and Jake climb into my car fifteen minutes later and we're off to the restaurant/bar that everyone usually goes to after a win. We have our usual two tables of ten reserved for us there, and it just so happens that the only seat left is across from me, and that Niall is the only one who hasn't showed up yet. Which means, of course, that it's just my luck that he'll have to sit across from me for the next two hours.

But he doesn't show up at all, and even though my tongue aches to ask someone, anyone, whether they know where Niall is, I refrain from doing so, because I'm on my path to getting over him once and for all.

But then again, although I've asked myself this plenty of times before, I ask myself again: how the fuck can I get over someone I never even dated? Someone who was barely a friend? Actually fuck that, we were more than fucking friends.

Because I got into the cold water for him and stopped him from doing something stupid, because I was there for him when his father was unleashed and because he told me some things he apparently hadn't told anyone else in the world

Is that being just friends? I don't think so. But he made his choice (even though there wasn't really a choice to make-at least he didn't think there was a choice), and now I had to live and get over it. I mean, if Jennifer Aniston could get over Brad Pitt and if Demi Moore could get over Ashton Kutcher, I can get over Niall, right?

I spend the rest of the remaining hour talking to my brother and Sophia, who are currently arguing whether the TV Show Skins should have continued or not.

After half past nine, everyone leaves to go back to their homes and get dressed for the club, so I don't even bother asking Luke whether he needs a ride home because he's already fetching the bus with Louis.

I drop the rest of them at home before we get to our own, and I tell Jason to be ready in exactly an hour so we can call an Uber and not be late for once.

"Look who's talking. I should be telling you that, not the other way around." He laughs and I flip him off before he disappears into his room.

It's so weird to think about the fact that just twenty-four hours before, we were whispering in this very same spot about a lunatic who came into our house with a gun. All the feelings I felt last night come rushing back to me and I start feeling faint, like I'm about to scream but no words can come out. Maybe my mother is right, and I do in fact need to see a shrink for a bit.

But then, as I hear my brother's shower turn on, I remind myself that I need to go to the club tonight, try to get over my problems and unresolved issues regarding Niall, and have fun with my friends.

So I hop on in the shower, blast some Cardi B to keep me going, and try to forget everything for a little while.

After I shower, I put on my underwear and start applying my make up, before I finally get to my favorite part of the night: picking out my clothes. I decide on some black shorts, black tights with roses on them, a pale blue top and my pale blue Zanotti sneakers to match. Over it, I throw a white bomber jacket and of course, my blue fur coat to keep me warm while we wait in the VIP line.

Rey+Niall+Luke: https://www.polyvore.com/18.4/set?id=235902201

Jason and I meet downstairs just as we had talked about, and then I call an Uber. Ten minutes later, we are already on our way to the club in Central London.

The line already goes back a few hundred meters when we get there, but someone on the footie team talks to the bouncer and they let us in after checking ID's. Jason shows him a photoshopped version of his on his phone, but the bouncer doesn't even seem to care too much because he pretends to glance at it for two seconds before he nods and lets him in.

The club is packed and the music is way louder than normal, and thankfully, we just need to get the stamps on our wrists before we head into the VIP section, and not leave our coats.

Everyone finds their place at the two booths and leaves their coats and bags there, before two club workers bring out buckets filled with Vodka Ciroc, different types of juices, and of course, a few bottles of Moet Champagne. The tiny fireworks are still going so everyone decides to open Snapchat and film the whole thing, because why not show off, right?

I don't even bother pulling out my phone from my bag, because I'm way too busy noticing that Niall isn't here yet.

After everyone fills their glasses up with champagne and another round of snaps with people holding their glasses together, we start to dance and feel good.

Niall eventually does show up half an hour later, and I hear the reason for his delay: he had to pick Zoe up from the salon. She's right behind him, smiling and greeting everyone he does, looking good. I try not to roll my eyes because I remind myself that I am in fact a good person and that jealousy is just an ugly form of frustration. I once read in a book whose title I can't remember that if we're frustrated, we've only got ourselves to blame.

So the first step of getting over Niall is already complete: I have overcome my jealousy of Zoe, who in fact never did anything wrong (besides smack me in the face in my own house), and finally admitted that she looks good and that Niall may have some reasons to date her.

Then, as everyone starts singing along to a new Post Malone song, I think about something. Do I actually want to date Niall? Would I date Niall? Then, every single reason he gave me about why we would never work out actually starts making sense now. The 'we would never work out' and the 'we're way too different' and the 'we wouldn't be right for each other' actually make sense.

Because I am so infatuated with him right now, that if I ever actually had him, in every single sense of the word, I would always be way too aware that I could also lose him. And it would probably kill me more than the thought of 'what could have been but never will be'.

He was fucking right, this whole time. This whole time, I was way too afraid and into my own crush bubble that I never really took the time to actually process his words and consider them in the way in which he actually meant them.

If we actually started dating and fell in love, would there be any future? Or would our happiness always be followed by the thought that we could eventually fuck it up and never go back? Now I understand. I understand that losing and fucking it up would be a hundred times worse than never actually trying and living with the 'what if' until we eventually move on.

I underfuckingstand.

It's like I've seen a fucking light, like the universe just told me everything I ever wanted to know about this situation. He already moved on with Zoe, a long time ago actually, and I was too stubborn to admit that he had figured it out long before I did.

Suddenly, a smile covers my face and I feel a wave of happiness and completion rush through me, like I've been reborn or something. Even though I haven't completely moved on from him and even though I would say no if he came up to me and wanted to kiss me, now I understand. It sort of feels like the closure we never actually had. Now, the words 'drop it', said with such indifference while looking me straight in the eyes sort of make sense.

I look around to see if there is anyone I can share this revelation with, but my closest friends are already off down on the dancefloor with their drinks in hand. I spot Harry who would definitely listen and understand, but he's too busy whispering something in Zayn's ear.

Then, a thought crosses my mind: should I tell Niall that I understand and that I'm not mad and that everything will be okay between us? I should.

But right now he's busy dancing with Zoe, so I down my champagne glass and pour myself some Vodka.

Out of nowhere, Luke appears and holds his glass out for me to fill as well.

"You look happy." He yells over the music and I smile, nodding.

Could I tell him about it? Not yet.

"Do you know Bryan?"

"Bryan? From the team?" I ask. He nods. "Of course I do." I laugh.

"He asked in the lockerooms whether you were single. Well, he asked Jed, but everyone heard."

"And?" I ask.

"Would you be interested?"

"In what way?"

He rolls his eyes, smirking. "In a 'make out and get over a fuck boy' kind of way."

I squint. "Hm. Maybe. I mean, he looks good, doesn't he?" I ask, and without even noticing, I look in his direction.

A small part of me wants to ask Luke how Niall reacted, but I stop myself. Instead, I ask him what Jed told him.

"He said you were single and that he should try and go for it."

I make a face to show that I would be interested in a little fun.

Step two of getting over Niall: the fucking rebound.

I make my way through the people piled in the VIP section until I reach Bryan, and soon enough, we're dancing pretty close together, with him whispering into my ear how he was always jealous of Jed.

I nod and turn around to kiss him, but then, with the corner of my eye, I spot Niall and Luke heading out the back door to the VIP smoking area.

This would be my chance to tell him that I'm okay with everything and that we're okay. Then, everything will be easier and I won't have anything to worry about except of how I'm going to pass my A-Levels with flying colors.

"I'll be right back." I whisper to Bryan, because I am really close to his face and don't have the time to kiss him right now. But definitely later.

I place my drink on the table and grab my coat and my cigarettes, before I head towards the door that leads to the VIP smoking area.

I find Luke and Niall in the left corner, laughing about something.

"Hi, can I have a light?" I ask Luke, and he lights up my cigarette before I tell Niall that I need to talk to him.

Luke throws me a weird look and I throw him a look that's supposed to say 'It's okay', so he nods and leaves us without saying another words.

Niall looks sort of surprised, and I can understand that, because I've been avoiding him all day today.

"Look, I'm sorry." I start.

I know that apologizing means admitting I did something wrong and maybe I wasn't the only one who did something wrong, but in a way, it was my fault and I just want to get it over with.

"For what?" he asks, clearly completely taken aback by my apology.

"For everything."

Then, after I short pause and two drags from the cigarette, I add: "I understand."

"What?"

"I understand Niall. Everything you ever told me, every single reason you gave me as to why you're still with her and why 'us' isn't such a good idea, finally makes sense."

"What?"

He still can't process everything I've just told him.

"I don't get it." he adds.

"I mean, I understand where you're coming from and I understand that you moved on and I understand that we would never work. And I'm fucking finally okay with it." I say, smiling. "Niall, I'm sorry for all those times I didn't listen and for all those times I still tried and just annoyed you."

"It's-it's fine." Niall says, not really knowing what else to say.

"I'm honestly sorry. I was a bitch when I kept butting into your relationship, but I just couldn't accept the fact that I still hadn't gotten over it...you. But I'm fine now, and I've moved on."

He looks at me for a few seconds and I take another drag before I continue my speech.

"I'm sorry, and I just wanted to let you know that we're okay, and from now on we're going to be just normal, platonic friends. I'm finally happy. It's okay."

He looks at me as he puts out his cigarette in one of the ashtrays.

"Renee, it's never going to be okay."

And just like that, he walks away with his hands in his pockets.

---

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---

Hope you liked it; let me know what your favorite/least favorite part was :D

Here are some questions I'd like you to answer, because I always look at them and get ideas for the story:

1. which was your favorite part of the chapter and why?

2. what do you think about rey's revelation?

3. what should happen with niall and rey?

4. what would you like to see in future chapters?

p.s. Follow them on Instagram, Twitter and Wattpad if you want previews of the upcoming chapters !

xoxo,

Ronnie