I was eating a strip of bacon and watching TV when the heavens opened, the sky exploded, and I was spun around like a top in a washing machine. It took several minutes for my eyes to focus. At first I thought I might've had a stroke. Unfortunately, I was not that lucky.

The first thing I saw clearly was the interior of a room I had never seen before. There were strange posters on the walls. The room appeared to be lit by candles.

"Holy crap, it worked", a voice behind me called out excitedly. I turned towards the source of the exclamation and my heart almost stopped.

There were two of them. They stood slightly over 5 feet tall with glistening, olive-colored skin, covered in orange-tipped pustules that seem to pulse at regular intervals.

Their hands, if one could call them that, had seven fingerlike appendages terminated by curved black talons. Most disconcerting of all where their heads. The craniums looked like elongated eggs and were slightly crescent-shaped. Too long horn-like protrusions extended from their foreheads directly above large lidless scarlet eyes, flecked with silver spots. The mouth seemed out of proportion, overly large and lined with numerous rows of razor-sharp teeth.

Then it spoke again.
"Tell us your name, beast!" It said loudly and aggressively in English.

"What are you doing man? Don't make it mad!" The other creature said cautiously.

It's companion responded in a conspiratorial whisper, "if we address it by its name, it has to obey us."

I stumbled backward and seemed to hit a wall. Looking around I could see nothing. The barrier was invisible, but solid. I looked to the floor. It appeared that I was standing in the center of a large circle surrounding a pentagram. Metaphorical bells, whistles, and alarms began going off in my head.

"What is your name?" It repeated.

I decided to answer. "My name is George, and you are?"

"Do not try and fool me into revealing my name. I have summoned you, George, to grant me a whim."

"That's nice, but I'm a waiter, so unless you want a bottle of wine or some bread, I don't think I'll be of much use to you."

The beast that had been speaking to me turned and addressed its companion.
"See how it tries to fool us, that's what Hellspawn does."

"I don't know, this is pretty scary," its friend commented, "I don't think we should mess with it."

"Don't worry, if it looks like we're in trouble, I'll just banish it," It turned back toward me, "George, I command you to have Easeacarsh and Barloresh fall in love with me and Djagosh here."

I couldn't help chuckling.
"Really? Do you think I can throw some kind of a love spell your way. Look, I'm sure two good-looking guys like you don't need any help from me. Have you tried candy or flowers?"

He seemed to lose a little bit of confidence.
"Just do it OK? I didn't summon you to argue with you."

Djagosh tugged on his friends arm,
"Flowers might not be a bad idea."

"No!" His friend said loudly, "I didn't go to all the trouble of finding these books and casting a spell just to take some advice I could've gotten in the paper."

I could see that I wasn't getting anywhere, so I thought quickly. I put on my most ominous sounding voice.
"Do you really wish to damn your souls to eternal hell?"

I looked over at them and could see they were getting nervous or at least that's what I thought, they were, after all, pretty weird looking.

I continued, "I will help you, but without casting a spell that would doom you. I will create some talismans for you. Find two small objects and toss them into the circle."

They looked at each other and chatted quietly. Then they began to rummage through the room until they found what appeared to be small figurines, small very ugly figurines that I could only assume were the equivalent of tin soldiers.

They carefully slid them into the circle where I picked them up. I waved my hand over them a few times and muttered some nonsense words over and over again, finishing in a dramatic crescendo. I tossed the objects back outside the circle. They picked them up. I spoke with a grave tone in my voice.

"These objects are now imbued with my power. When you are in the presence of your true love, keep these on your person and they will be inclined to hear your words and lose their hearts. Remember, you must not speak of this ceremony to anyone, do you understand?"

The creature seemed happy now. It did what I can only assume was clapping and spoke to me.

"Yes O great George, we understand. You may return now to hell as we thank you for the service you have performed for us."

The two beasts began to incant and the room began to spin once more. A short time later I found myself back in my living room, still watching Rick and Morty and pleased to find several pieces of bacon left on my plate. I was actually impressed with myself. I had hardly freaked out at all.

Overconfidence and patting oneself on the back is bound to create problems in the great karmic balance of the universe as I have found out over the past few weeks.

The room spins and the sky opens with annoying regularity these days. It would seem that my talismans were quite successful and now I find myself summoned back to that annoying little room almost every week to help my erstwhile Lotharios with their continuing problems of the heart.

Apparently all creatures have hormones and love sucks in pretty much every dimension.