"Pouring out my heart to a stranger, but I didn't pour the whiskey. I just wanted you to know that this is me trying.  I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. At least I'm trying."

~this is me trying by Taylor Swift~

⭒⭒⭒

A/N: I fell asleep before updating last night. Oopsie. Anyway, here you go - and a new character/ face claim is at the bottom of this chapter;)

Warnings: abuse, addiction, anxiety, biphobia/homophobia, depression, domestic violence, gun violence, language, panic attacks, sexual harassment/assault/abuse, violence, weapons, and other mature themes

⭒⭒⭒

Zion's POV

"Hey," a knock comes at my door and it opens slowly to reveal Eli.

"What are you doing here?" I ask curtly.

"I wanted to ask you to reconsider karate," he frowns. "You're really good at it. Hell, you beat me."

"There's nothing to reconsider. I'm standing by what I said. I need distance," I tell him.

"Okay," Eli shrugs. He doesn't leave. Instead, he steps closer to where I sit facing him on the bed. 

"What?" I ask him.

"Eli and Zion. Zion and Eli. We've gone up and down together. Together, apart, something in between..."

"What?"

"I want you," he takes a knee in front of me and reaches for my hand, "to reconsider-"

"I already told you I'm not coming back to karate-"

"...us. I want you to reconsider us."

My jaw drops, "What?"

"Ever since you tried to kiss me that one night, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it," Eli smiles.

"Me neither," I mutter angrily, guiltily, regretfully.

"I still have feelings for you, Z,'" he stands up and pulls my hands to bring me to my feet, too.

We stand so close that our breathing crosses. I look into his eyes.

"And, I think you do, too. Which is why I hope you'll let me do this..."

Eli  pulls my hands closer to his torso. His lips approach mine. They touch. I'm too stunned to move. Eli grips my waist. This isn't how I would've wanted it to go, if I wanted it ever in the first place.

Still, the feeling of being wanted is appealing. I can imagine this as who I want it to be, but that would be unfair to Eli. There's only one person I want.

I hear the door creak behind Eli. My mind tells me to push him away just in case someone is there.

Eli turns over his shoulder and smirks, "Enjoy the show?"

I glance past Eli and see Robby.

Robby. Robby. Robby.

Robby with tears welling in his eyes. Robby with a shocked and hurt expression on his face. Robby turning away and slamming the door behind him.

"No," I whisper. I rush for the door. It's locked. I yank on the doorknob.

The door falls back, like it's about to crush me.

I fall back, the fight in me gone. I hurt Robby by kissing Eli, something I didn't even want.

"But, you did want it." My skin crawls. "Either that or you're just that weak to let me do all that I did."

I turn around and look for Adam, terrified of him being anywhere near me.

"Save me!" Ella screams.

I once again look for Adam somewhere with Ella, the little girl I regret leaving behind every single day.

My eyes land on Kenny as he wraps his arms around her.

"No, Kenny! Stop!" I scream as I try to run towards him.

I slam into an invisible wall. I'm trapped.

"This is what you've always deserved, child," Kreese says. A hand lands on my shoulder. I look back to see Silver standing there.

"Don't worry. The new Cobra Kai will take good care of your little problem," Silver says as he refers to Ella.

Something in me shifts. I try to hit Silver. I want to punch him, to make him feel pain in new ways, to leave him on the verge of death.

Instead, he escapes every single punch. He doesn't even fight back. The place where he was becomes vacant and he's seemingly ten steps ahead. He's always ten steps ahead. I'm not even a threat.

"I love you." I turn and see Eli behind me.

"I used to love you." Robby appears beside him.

"'Used to?'" I quote in confusion.

"You went too far this time. And I will never forgive you," Robby says before turning away.

He walks into darkness and disappears.

Everything disappears into darkness.

And what's left? What's left?

Me and my guilt.

⭒⭒⭒

My body shakes me violently awake. It's awake before my mind can even catch up. 

I feel something inside of me disagreeing with itself. It's something in my body controlling my mind. I glance down at my hands as they tremor. They don't just simply shake. No, they're controlled by something else entirely now.

My head pounds. My mouth drools. My body is oriented forward, like I may throw up.

I need a drink.

I stumble to the door, only to find it just as locked as before. They don't understand me. I need just a little bit of alcohol. I can feel the urge, the craving, the temptation. But, just a little can't be bad, right, if it helps me?

My trembling, weak body shakes the door. It shakes it and shakes it. I can't even find my voice. It's hidden somewhere inside my throat and I can't activate it.

The door shakes violently with me as I beg, plead, cry for help and relief. The sweet taste of relief.

When the doorknob actually turns, I step back in surprise. Is there a way all my begging has finally paid off, that maybe the universe doesn't hate me?

The door opens slowly and I grab it only to see a boy there. I don't care about him. I push him aside without any gratitude. No. I need relief.

My feet lead me through the halls until I can get to the stairs. There must be some form of relief in the kitchen. There must be a way to get rid of this awful, nauseating, painful feeling.

The more I walk, the more desperate I become. The closer I am to getting it, the more my body heats up like its on fire.

I raid each cabinet, pantry, drawer, and shelf in hopes of finding it. 

"Zion! What's going on?" a masculine voice calls from behind me. 

I ignore him. I throw things out of the cabinets when I realize the chance at relief may be buried even further. They make loud sounds as they fall, but I don't care.

"Hey, hey, hey, stop!" Daniel grabs my shoulders and shakes me to face him. "What is this? What are you doing?"

I feel myself crying hysterically as the pain radiates more and more. "Please. Relief." I've found my voice.

"Daniel, she wants alcohol," a woman's voice calls behind him. My eyes glance at a blurry version of Mrs. LaRusso. 

"Just a little bit," I give Daniel a small smile to convince him. "Just enough to help the pain go away. Please."

"She's going through withdrawal," his wife tells him.

"You know I can't do that," Daniel becomes stern with me.

"Please," I weakly bang my fists towards his chest as he restrains my arms. "I just need a little bit."

"Zion, it's going to be okay," Mrs. LaRusso takes charge, "but we can't give you anything."

"No," I whisper. "It hurts. Please."

"Sam?" Mrs. LaRusso calls as if the girl is awake. "Get her some water. We're taking her back up."

"No, no, no," I argue as I fight the man restraining me. 

"Daniel," Mrs. LaRusso looks at him and they have a tacit conversation with their eyes.

"You know I don't like to use it. Mr. Miyagi gave it to me for emergencies only, Amanda," Daniel sighs in response.

All I know is that my heart rate is spiking the more they keep me out of things and keep me away from relief. I begin to pant worriedly as my head heats up as if a fire has been lit underneath it like a hot air balloon. I struggle more in the secure grip somehow Daniel has manufactured.

"You can't do this to me," I whisper in fear, anger, and confusion.

"Daniel."

"Okay... I'm sorry."

Daniel's grip lets off of me with his right arm. I taste freedom for a whole two seconds-

His arm presses on my inner arm.

And the world...

goes...

dark.

⭒⭒⭒

Miguel's POV: A Couple Days Earlier

"Thank you guys for coming," Sam looks at us excitedly.

"What are we doing here? I already told you I don't have time," Chris frowns.

"Miyagi-Fang is opening again. This time, we'll have Johnny and my dad... and his friend, Chozen, from Okinawa," Sam smiles proudly. 

"How is this any different than the last time we tried to work together and failed?" Mitch asks skeptically.

"My mom is helping, too. And, so far I think we've all realized it doesn't matter how you fight as long as it's together. After the tournament, we're closer together," she continues.

"And, working against Silver's deal," Bert mutters.

"I know this is hard. I know we put it all out there at the All Valley and we still lost. I know how hard it was to lose to them," Sam reflects, "but we can't let the bullies out there win."

"She's right." All of us look behind Sam and smile.

"Aisha!" I exclaim excitedly.

"What are you doing back?" Bert smiles.

"I thought you moved?" Eli asks.

"Silver took over my dojo. So, my parents are letting me stay with my aunt out here while I help you guys take down Cobra Kai. It's not the right way to do things, and I don't want people out there learning the same, wrong tactics I did under Kreese. And, apparently, Silver is worse. We have to fight back," she explains. I can't believe it.

"So..." Sam looks at us, "who's in?"

"I'm in," I support immediately.

"I'm in," Eli agrees.

"I'm in," Demetri nods.

"I'm in," Robby half-smiles.

"I'm in," Nate sighs.

"I'm in," Bert follows.

Everyone else joins slowly, too, and I share a smile with Sam. I look over at Robby. When he looks up at me, I see his frown.

"Hey," he pulls me aside, "how's Zion? My dad told me she's at the LaRusso's."

"Yeah," I nod awkwardly. "She's gonna get better." Robby nods sadly. "She's gonna join us eventually. I mean, she has to, right?"

Robby sighs, "Let's not push her. She's got a lot going on. We can't blame her if she wants to stay away."

"Yeah," I agree sadly. 

"Hey," Sam comes over to us, "so I think my dad's almost here. Should we get into our positions?"

"Hold on," Mitch yells and looks at the whole dojo skeptically - with the exception of the adults still not being here, "is Zion going to be in this dojo?"

"I don't know if I can get down with that," Chris realizes.

"Zion isn't here right now," I speak up, "but we're going to offer her a chance to join when she's ready."

I see the Miyagi-Dos share a look of skepticism and resentment.

"Where is she now?" Aisha asks curiously. We have a lot to catch her up on.

"She's, um, in recovery," I assure him.

Johnny walks through the Miyagi-Do doors, "Line up. They just pulled in."

The new guy, Sensei Chozen, walks through with him and we line up to leave space for Sam and Robby and Mrs. LaRusso and Mr. LaRusso.

As Robby walks inside, I realize how sad he looks. Johnny mentioned that Robby wasn't his best, but not to this extent. I thought this would be a happy occasion. But, I get it with all the things going on with Zion, even though he "took a break" initially.

Then, we stand here and wait for a while. 

I care about Zion. A lot. And it's no secret that I choose her over him. But, I do feel for him going through a breakup because I felt the same way with Sam.

And, it makes me consider again just how much he loves her. It's weird to think about, but it's also right in front of me because it's obvious she loves him, too. 

When Sam opens the doors to let Robby, Mr. LaRusso, and Mrs. LaRusso out, I straighten up in my position.

Mr. LaRusso looks at us in shock as the rest of us smile happily.

"You're not alone anymore," Sam tells him. "So, what do you say, Dad? Will you fight?"

Mrs. LaRusso smiles and puts a hand on his arm supportively. He steps down after her to join in his spot between Sensei Chozen and Johnny.

He takes a second to smile at us before we bow in front of him in respect, admiration, and hope.

He then looks at his fellow senseis and bows with them towards us. I'm so happy for him to find a way to get over whatever Silver has done.

And, I hate to admit it, but no matter how happy I am right now, I know this dojo feels empty without Zion. And the look Robby gives me confirms that he feels the same way.

⭒⭒⭒

Zion's POV: Presently

I turn on a light in the windowless room that feels like a prison when I finally wake up. Little bits and pieces of things flash through my memory, but I don't quite remember what happened and what was a dream.

I shift out of my bed to stretch only to realize the door to my room is cracked open. I debate just running, but realize I really have to pee. 

So, I walk down the hall to the bathroom by myself with my freedom.

Once I'm done, I peek into the hallway. Nobody is here. I don't even think anybody noticed I left my room.

I smile to myself as I decide to sneak down to the kitchen for food. I could use some real food. All I want is to be better. My dreams last night were yet another wakeup call to feel better and stay away from karate.

I stop on the stairs when I hear voices. I bend down and peer through the railing to see Mrs. LaRusso, Daniel, Johnny, Carmen, Sam, Sam's little brother, and Miguel sitting together.

"It's been so long since I've helped with withdrawal. It threw me off," Mrs. LaRusso admits with a frown.

So, it wasn't all a dream?

"I should've been here," Johnny curses himself.

"I'm just glad she's okay now," Miguel adds.

Guilt pierces me like a knife. 

"Physically. For maybe a couple more hours until the cycle starts again. I read that it can take up to a week to get used to being without it," Daniel interjects. 

I don't know if I can take a week of this.

"Well, we couldn't have done any of it without Anthony," Mrs. LaRusso acknowledges her son.

Sam's younger brother shrugs, "It's not like I did anything special. I heard the weird noise and the door was shaking, so I opened it because thought something was wrong. It wasn't heroic or anything. You would've done the same."

Did I put him in danger? Even he doesn't deserve that, despite what he did to Kenny. I must have scared everyone.

"You woke us up, Anthony, so we could get to her before she got to the liquor cabinet. Good job," Daniel thanks him.

"It was scary," Sam voices. "She looked like a wild animal, not like herself."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Sam," Daniel frowns.

I'm more sorry.

"Is she asleep right now?" Carmen questions.

"Yes," Mrs. LaRusso nods.

"I had to use Mr. Miyagi's pressure point trick to get her to sleep. It wasn't something I was proud to do, but I guess it was necessary," Daniel explains. 

That's how I got back to sleep so easily.

"I think it also helped with her pain," Mrs. LaRusso adds.

"Let me know if you need me here. I care about her, too," Johnny tells Daniel. 

"I will," he nods. "How's Robby doing?"

The knife within me is a sword.

Johnny shifts awkwardly, "He's okay. He's allowing himself to feel things, which is good. I didn't... I didn't do that as a kid after Ali."

"You aren't kidding," Daniel smiles.

"Yeah, well, I still worry about him. It's his first heartbreak, right?" Johnny frowns.

The sword is twisting deeper and deeper.

"Actually," Sam hesitates, "I think Zion was the first time they dated. And, well, then I kissed Miguel... and now this."

"Sounds like he's been through it before," Carmen nods knowingly.

The sword is an axe chopping at my organs.

"God, I'm such an awful father," Johnny stands up. "He won't talk to me when I try. I want him to open up to me. Instead, he sits inside his room all day with his headphones on. I force him out for food, but he stays silent. I don't know what to do."

The axe just killed me.

"Zion-san, you're awake," a voice comes from behind me on the stairs excitedly and gives my position away. "How are you feeling?"

I stand up in surprise when I see the new man, Chozen, behind me. 

"Zion?" Miguel comes to the bottom of the staircase. "Hey."

"How... How much of that did you hear?" Johnny asks wearily.

I shove by Chozen before rushing back into my room and locking myself in again. 

The door opens to Daniel. I sit on the bed facing the wall so my back is turned to him.

"You had quite a night," he tells me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I know what comes next: more guilt, a speech about how much I hurt him, or even physical violence.

"It's not your fault," Daniel sits on the other side of the bed. I take in a deep breath in surprise. 

"But, I-"

"It's the other stuff controlling you. I read up on it some to help you. I know it's not the firsthand experience Amanda has or anything, but I want to help," Daniel tells me.

I look down as a tear falls onto my hands in my lap. "Why would you want to help me? All I ever did was terrorize your dojo. I broke into your home."

"Because I know what being in Cobra Kai is like." I turn to him in surprise. "What you did is not who you are."

"It didn't bring out anything that wasn't there," I restate what I was told.

"And, who ever taught you to think like that?" Daniel questions. I hesitate. "You know what I think? That that's another manipulation."

I shake my head. Part of it is true. But if it's all a manipulation, then I'm still being manipulated no matter how much I try to break away.

"Listen, whatever you heard from Johnny about Robby-"

"I didn't," I lie too quickly.

"Whatever you heard," he says again, "is the least of your problems right now."

"I am really sorry about last night," I tell him honestly as I turn to him. "I didn't mean to scare anyone."

Daniel smiles slightly, "Why don't you get dressed."

"Why?" I ask.

"Just trust me," he stands up.

I look at him skeptically and don't move. He turns back to me with a frown. 

"I get that it's hard to trust," Daniel admits. "Meet me at the bottom of the stairs. We're staying in the house."

I hesitate as I turn back to face the wall.

"You have to try to help yourself," he tells me. I hear the door close behind him.

⭒⭒⭒

I follow Daniel to the home dojo. I remember running in here only to find that Eli had also switched to Eagle Fang and Tory was the only one left I could trust. I feel badly for then, too, but Daniel doesn't seem phased.

"I told you I don't want anything to do with karate anymore," I tell him firmly.

"I get it. I'm stubborn, too. I thought I was out of this fight with Silver, but there's a whole lot of people out there who care," Daniel tells me.

"They care for you," I tell him. "They hate me."

"It doesn't matter how many people like you," he tells me. "You do have a support system. Some is better than none. But what matters most is what you think of yourself."

I think I'm a horrible person. I think I deserve what happened to me. But, I'd never tell him that. 

"Today, I tell you the history of Miyagi-Do karate. It will be different than anything Cobra Kai can throw at you," Daniel continues.

I frown, "I never knew the history of Cobra Kai."

"True honesty from the start, then," Daniel gives me a small smile. He walks me over to a mantle honoring some men. "This is Mr. Miyagi."

I nod, trying to play along to get this over with quickly, "So, he invented Miyagi-Do, right?"

"Wrong." My face falls. "Not this Miyagi. Actually, it was Shimpo Sensei who brought over the secret to Miyagi-Do karate in 1625."

I stare in surprise, "Oh."

"He came from Okinawa to the coast of China by accident while fishing. He spent some time there, got married, had two kids, and then returned. With one of these."

Daniel opens a drawer. Inside is a little hand drum where you turn it side to side and the hassles hit the drum. He hands it to me. 

I take it from him gingerly, "With this?"

"Not everything at Miyagi-Do is what it seems," Daniel assures me.

"I don't think anything is what it seems," I mutter.

Daniel hears me and chuckles to himself. "It even took me a while to realize that." Daniel wanders over to a tapestry, "Rule number one of Miyagi-Do karate. Karate is for defense only. Rule number two? Learn rule number one. But, it was a long time before I realized that practicing defense and being a doormat are two different things. Which, I guess you don't have to worry about being too passive."

I look down in embarrassment. 

"In a good way," he assures me. "Like I said, I was stubborn, but I had problems with self esteem. It became an issue that Mr. Miyagi helped me with."

I offer, "Growing up, it was my dad who made me feel important. He made sure that no matter what I had a support system behind me, though it was made up of just him most of the time. When he died... I, um, lost that. My mom wasn't there for me ever, really. So, when I moved to the Valley..."

"Cobra Kai became your support," Daniel finishes.

"It reminded me that I was good at something," I tell him. "I sought validation from myself, but then it was brought on by my senseis. I guess... when Johnny brought in Kreese, I shifted my trust to him. And then to Silver. Not that it's Johnny's fault. It was just a bad mix. And I ruined everything."

"I grew up without a dad, too. My mom was the best, though. She would work her job and cook for me and care for me. But, there were some traditionally masculine things a dad should teach that she wasn't able to help with. Like, girls or driving a car or growing a spine. And, I loved my mom, but there was a hole there that Mr. Miyagi filled."

I watch as Daniel begins to get emotional as he looks at the mantle. I feel for him as he explains it all to me. I really get it, but I worry that this sob story is just another manipulation from another man.

"I've seen how good you are at karate, Zion, just based on the All Valley. You're much more of a natural than I ever was. I was a scrawny, lanky kid from Jersey with absolutely no muscle mass. You remind me of Sam or Johnny in that way. I think it would be a detriment to take on Cobra Kai again without you," Daniel tells me. 

And there it is.

"I told you I have no interest in ever going back," I tell him, "but you still have the audacity to try to get me to join Miyagi-Fang. When I said 'never,' I meant never. Not just to Cobra Kai, but to your dojo or anyone else's. You act like you know my life and my potential and my talents more than I do?"

"Zion, I never said tha-"

"I know exactly how good I was at karate, even if I lost by one point," I interrupt him. "I know that you're going to tell me that when Cobra Kai jumped me it was unfair and that I shouldn't live my life based on that. And I know you think that I'll come running to Miyagi-Do for redemption or improvement or whatever. Well, let me tell you that I won't be. Part of the reason I left karate is because I don't know how to control what I know and what I can do. And, I can't rely on any of you to help me because either you're manipulative like Kreese and Silver or still trying to figure it out for yourself like a man-child."

"What Johnny and I have going on has nothing to do with-"

"No. You're listening to me now," I tell him angrily. "I don't need your validation. You aren't my dad. Nobody is. I'm aware of what I am and who I am and what I can do and what I've done, whether good or bad. But, I value myself. And I accept your help to be better as a person, but I'm done being a soldier in this karate war. No matter the reason to come back, I won't be. So, don't approach me with this again. I'm done."

My fiery eyes connect with Daniel's as he looks at me in pure surprise. 

I walk out of the home dojo and back up to my room. I jam a chair under the doorknob to lock people out this time, certain that Daniel will follow me and try to open my door.

When it's apparent he doesn't even try, I feel a little sad. Nobody tries.

The break from karate will be hard, but I know I can do it. This has to be the best way forward.

⭒⭒⭒

Tory's POV

I train with Piper as I eavesdrop on Kenny, Shawn, Kyler, and some other male Cobras. I'm carrying so much by spying from the inside. At least now Piper knows and can help me figure this out. 

"Yo, has anyone heard anything about Z?" Kyler asks as he spars with Kenny.

"No. It's like she disappeared. Again," Edwin remarks with a slight smile.

"Her Instagram is deactivated. Or, I'm just blocked," Big Red holds up his phone.

"Mitch said she's suffering - no other information. But, she did deactivate Insta," Joey interjects.

I note Kenny's sad face. He hasn't quite mastered hiding his emotions; it makes me wonder...

"Looks like she took what we said to heart like she should," Shawn tells them proudly.

I really, really want to reach out to Z. But, to go to her and admit anything about what I'm doing is too big of a risk. It's already a risk dragging Piper into this.

Piper exchanges a look with me as Kyler walks over to the food counter and grabs another pack of snake bites.

"Yo, this snake bites are fire!" Kyler yells through the dojo. "Can't stop eating 'em. It's like crack."

"They're pure protein. You're only supposed to eat one or two," Kenny speaks up. Shawn chuckles.

It's evident how much of a soft spot Shawn has for Kenny. As for the rest of us though, I'd rather not piss him off.

"For real?" Kyler asks in surprise as he shoves another handful into his mouth. 

"Look who's here," Dieter speaks up.

We all turn and watch Devon walk through the doors with a Cobra Kai gi on and a bag in hand. She looks at me, and I approach her without even thinking.

"What are you doing here? I thought you quit," I tell her.

"You beat me on the mat, but I only lose if I give up," Devon smirks.

I give her a nod of approval. I'm happy for her since she's so strong and full of hope and confidence. But, I feel the disappointment rise in me when I think about her being here. She should train literally anywhere else.

"Miss Lee, why don't you go check in with the receptionist?" Sensei Silver walks up beside me. A chill runs up my spine at his presence. I try to hide it. "She'll set you up with a pass in case you want to train after hours."

"Oh," she smiles, "I definitely will." She walks away and I follow her with my eyes protectively. 

"I have to hand it to you," Silver smiles at me. "Miss Lee reached out after class yesterday, asked if she could join the flagship dojo. Apparently, she wants to learn more from you. I'm very proud of you."

I don't want her to be. I look at Sensei Kim Da-Eun for backup, "She failed the test. She ran away."

"The test was not for her. It was for you. I wanted to see how much strength you had in your heart to accomplish what you need to do," she tells me judgmentally.

"And what's that?" I ask worriedly.

"Something greater than you could ever imagine," Silver shares a smile with her. 

Fear creeps into my mind as I glance at Piper worriedly. They're hiding something, and whatever it is can't possibly be good.

⭒⭒⭒

Zion's POV

"She's one of the best," Mrs. LaRusso tells me as we pull into the parking lot of the small counseling center. "If this one doesn't work out, though, we can try another. But, I looked into someone with training in parental issues, depression, anxiety, the LGBTQ community, all of that."

I look down. I hope this woman has some training in PTSD. I don't get it. I don't know why I'm so embarrassed.

"I'll be waiting out here until your hour is up," Mrs. LaRusso says.

She's so kind and caring and sweet, but she's not at all my mom or even Carmen. I feel detached because I barely know her. I should thank her for everything. Instead, I get out of the car in silence and push myself through the doors.

"You must be Zion," a woman with a British accent approaches me with her hand extended. She's tall with short, platinum blonde hair that's curled. She has bright red lipstick and a big smile. 

I don't smile. I don't shake her hand. I cross my arms and show her that I don't want physical touch right now.

She smiles awkwardly and steps back before opening an office door, "That's all right. You can come in. My name is Dr. Hillard. It's nice to meet you."

I walk in. She closes the door behind us. She sits down in a big, brown chair. The only other option in here is the blue couch.

"You can sit there. Or, the beanbag," she points to the side. I see a little zebra print beanbag in the corner.

I sit on the cliche couch. I wonder if she hears how loudly I'm breathing. She just stares at me. Something must be wrong with me.

"Have you ever been to therapy before?" Dr. Hillard questions me. I shake my head. "All right. Well, there's nothing to be afraid of. All that matters here is getting you to a place where you feel better. In my records," she opens up her laptop, "it says that you're struggling with some anxiety and trouble with your mom?"

That's an understatement. I just nod.

"Well, then let's talk about that," she offers. "It may be a good place to start. What should I know about the situation?"

I look down in my lap, "Well, my dad's dead. He passed away from cancer almost two years ago now."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," Dr. Hillard says. 

"So, I was left with my mom," I tell her, "and everything went to shit."

"Care to elaborate?" she takes out a pen and paper and begins to write.

I look at her nervously. The writing is making everything about this worse. "I don't even know where to start."

"Okay, then let's go back to your dad. How did your mom handle his death? What changed?" Dr. Hillard questions.

She became even more of an abusive bitch. "We moved here. From Santa Maria."

"Hm. And, how did that make you feel?" 

"How did that make me feel?!" I raise my voice before I can even think. "Well, my dad's death was the worst time in my life. I'm not soulless."

"I never said you were." She's calm. Too calm.

"I tried to feel things, but instead my mom had me take care of everything, and I was kicked out of his wake," I tell her as my heartbeat grows faster and faster.

"So," she takes a deep breath, "would you say you never got to mourn him?"

"No shit."

"It's all right to curse," Dr. Hillard looks over at me with a small smile, "but not at me. I'm on your team here."

"Then you should stop asking stupid questions," I frown. I already hate it here.

"These questions are designed to help you process things. Take a moment, feel yourself breathe, get in touch with your emotions, and tell me what you feel," she tells me.

I feel like a child being scolded. I frown and close off again. 

"Your family friend, the one who brought you here, said that you have some trouble with alcohol in your family. You haven't said anything about that yet, if you want to start there," Dr. Hillard says.

My heart races. "You know about that?"

"This is confidential. Mrs. LaRusso won't know anything you say unless you tell her. Or, unless I think you are going to harm yourself or others. Though, it seems you've wanted to hurt yourself before."

I shake my head, "I'd never hurt... hurt myself or self-harm. I saw that happen to my best friend." I think about Jess. "I wouldn't do that."

"Drug or alcohol abuse can be just as harmful. It takes a toll on your mind, your body," Dr. Hillard tells me in understanding. "What led you to want to drink?"

"Am... Am I going to get arrested?" I ask nervously.

"No. I have no proof of it, first of all, and that was in the past, so only what you do from here on out matters."

"Okay," I sigh in relief.

"So, what led you to the need to drink?"

"Um... my mom has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. Even before things got bad with my dad, she... I woke up in the middle of the night to a babysitter coming over while my dad bailed my mom out of a holding cell. I think it only happened once that I can remember."

"But, that memory stuck with you for a reason," she nods. 

"Everything my mom did has stuck with me," I admit. "I... I'm not home anymore, which is good. I've moved out and moved on and cut her out of my life. But, um, yeah, it was hard because she was my one family member left. And all she ever did was... was hurt me."

"Physically?" Dr. Hillard asks gingerly.

"And mentally. She'd gaslight me and make me feel badly about not caring enough about her feelings and she went crazy after my dad..."

"It sounds like narcissistic behavior. Did you start drinking when you were still living with her?" 

"No," I whisper. "I was always too scared to drink alone."

"What changed?" Dr. Hillard questions.

"I don't know. Well, karate."

"Karate?"

"Karate," I nod. "After I moved here, I met another one of my best friends. His name is Miguel. He thought it would be cool to do karate together. So, I joined a dojo. And, I think it was good at first. I had control over my life and how I wanted to be treated. I was able to fight back at harassment and the abuse from my mom and all of that, mentally and physically."

"You said, 'at first?'" she wonders.

"We got a second sensei a little over a year ago. It was the guy in the news for attempted murder, John Kreese, if you've seen that."

"I've seen it," she nods.

"He was a war veteran with severe PTSD. Not that that excuses anything, but yeah. He was good at manipulating me. And my friends. And my original sensei, Johnny, who used to be his student. He told me to channel my anger into what I was doing in karate. It became part of my everyday. I still don't know how to separate myself from who I was or am when I fight."

"How did that make you feel?" 

"I lost control, but without realizing it," I say.

"When did you realize it?"

"It took a while. I was in deep. More and more things kept happening for Kreese to take advantage of me. Then, we got another sensei after my original one left. Silver. He liked to call me 'Star' in addition to Kreese calling me his 'child.' It was sick of them to use my dead dad against me. But, I still didn't realize what was truly happening until less than two months ago."

"What happened then?"

I take in a deep breath. "It was prom night. Miguel and I had just gotten back on speaking terms after a long time of not speaking... He was the one who fell off the balcony at West Valley at the beginning of last school year. While he was recovering, he left Cobra Kai and I cut him off entirely. I was too scared to talk to him."

"Why?"

"Because I knew deep down that I was beginning to become the problem and the bad guy. But, I was too scared to let go of what control I thought I had."

"We can go back to that another time. So, what happened at prom?"

"I realized that Cobra Kai wasn't what I wanted. I began to question everything. I wondered about my dad and if he would be proud of me. I came to the realization that he wouldn't be. So, I went to the dojo, confronted Silver... found that he represented everything I didn't want, and fled. I came back to fight in the All Valley tournament as an unaffiliated competitor to take down karate for good. I even teamed up with Miguel, Johnny, and the Miyagi-Do dojo. But, it wasn't enough. We lost."

"How did losing make you feel?" 

"It was so close. I was so close to winning that it felt unreal. It felt like I'd come so far but in the end it didn't matter at all. I felt angry and upset."

"How did you deal with that? Was that when you started drinking?"

"No. I... I went to Mexico to chase after Miguel. He had left the tournament early to go find his dad in Mexico, so I went to find him, and that was a big distraction. After I found him, we came back to the Valley and I found that everyone - regardless of which side they're on - hated me. They still do."

"How did that feel?"

I take a second. "I was used to being hated. I was infamous in Cobra Kai. I kind of liked the power, though. I hate to admit it. But I did. And, I found that I hated being hated for something I knew I did wrong. Because I was already starting to be hard on myself," I admit.

"So, that's when you started drinking?"

"...It started off as a little way to feel better. I thought just a little bit would be okay. I... I found that I enjoyed it a little too much. I wanted to try more or harder things. So, I smoked with my friends, honestly. It took the edge off. Then, I started to cut people out." My breathing becomes heavy. "And I started to hurt people when I would disappear to get wasted. I didn't think it would get so rough so quickly. I just thought I'd be okay to handle it because as long as I wasn't using it like my mom I'd be okay. Then, I guess, I lost control and perspective and did use it just as much as her. And I pushed everyone away. I'd be drunk all the time, forget things... I don't even remember what day it was that it started or how many days there were between or what day it is now in relation. I was fucked up."

"Here," Dr. Hillard stands up, opens a drawer, grabs something, and hands it to me. "Pop this."

"Bubble wrap?" I ask skeptically.

"You're anxious. I want you to try and focus on this more than any other feelings. I can already see you digging your nails into the palm of your hand," she observes. 

"I've tried counting and spinning a ring and whatever. None of them worked," I tell her.

"Try this one," she insists.

I do. It's actually fun to pop the bubble wrap.

"They make many anti-anxiety toys now. Fidget spinners, sensory slugs, silicone bubble wrap toys. They're affordable on Amazon, if you'd like to get started with those. They can help with the impulses to drink or smoke or what have you," Dr. Hillard smiles. "How do you feel?"

"Better," I whisper as I flip it around for more bubbles.

"I know it's probably hard for you to open up, mainly to people you know out of pride," Dr. Hillard examines. She reads me like a book. I tense. "But, I want you to try and let them in some more. Miguel, maybe? The people who brought you here? Whoever is in your life that matters to you right now."

I mutter, "What happens if the one person you want to confide in wants nothing to do with you?"

"What?" Dr. Hillard questions when she hears me mumbling.

"Nothing. Sorry," I tell her. 

She lets it pass by as I frown to myself. I never even mentioned him. Maybe it's better this way.

"Are you on any medications for anxiety or depression, Zion?" she asks.

"I... No, but I don't really have a doctor... or money... or medicare..." I whisper in embarrassment. 

"Let's get you a psychiatrist. We can work on getting you some medicines to help you. They'll balance out the lows you have. But, Zion." Her tone is serious. I look at her and meet her eyes. "You cannot drink on these meds. It could have dangerous side effects. Okay?"

I nod. She writes a note to herself and places it on her desk.

"Well, our time is up for the day," she decides. "I hope to see you back later this week."

I nod. She walks to the door and lets me out. I walk out front awkwardly.

Mrs. LaRusso waits in the car for me. I walk over and sit in the front seat with her.

"How did it go?" she asks.

"Mhm," I shrug as I look out the side window and face away from her.

There was no breakthrough today. There was no clear solution, either. I don't know what I'm doing in therapy, but there's no clear way out of it. It's humiliating to talk to a random person about your struggles while they try to understand and relate and comfort you without being too personal.

We park at the LaRusso mansion and I wander up to my little room alone. Thank God nobody is here to stop me or ask me how therapy is going. 

Not when the one person I want here hasn't seen me since the breakup.

The one that was all my fault.

I collapse on the bed and find I'm exhausted.

⭒⭒⭒

A/N: SHE'S HEALING

Introducing Dr. Hillard:

Dr. Tiffany Hillard

Portrayed by: Elizabeth Banks

Anyway, get ready for new beginnings in these upcoming chapters:))