Chapter Sixty-Three: Regrets

"Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere?"

~Chasing Pavements by Adele~

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Revised: May 23, 2023

Warnings: abuse, addiction, anxiety, biphobia/homophobia, depression, domestic violence, slight eating disorder, language, panic attacks, sexual harassment/assault/abuse, violence, and other mature themes

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Zion's POV

A/N: Flashback to six months ago.

"Miguel has been there for me. Ever since I moved to Reseda, I had him," I sob. "He was always so welcoming and protective and he'd help me and I'd help him and he'd never judge me and we'd laugh through the good times and cry through the bad..." My voice trails off as I sob embarrassingly loudly."A-And now..."

I feel the pain rise in my chest as I think about Miguel at the hospital. Is he even alive?

"Dad... I miss you. I'm so lost without you a-and I need your help." I take a breath, "I feel like I'm going in circles sometimes. Life is so hard, high school sucks, and I have nobody to help me navigate it; you were my rock."

Tears start to fall faster now.

"I feel like... like everything I do is wrong. The rules of life change constantly and it's confusing and I don't know how much longer I can take this feeling. I-I feel useless and weak. Especially since M-Miguel was the only stable and steady thing in my life... and now he's gone. I really need some guidance."

I take a moment, waiting for a response of some sort. I don't know what it would be, but I need my dad. More than anything.

"I'm losing hope. I'm losing my memories of you. I lost the fight today, I lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend, I lost my dignity when I broke down in front of the whole school. I keep... losing," I say hoarsely. "Please. Please, give me a sign of what to do."

I wait again. I need a sign. I need to know what do next.

Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. Sixty seconds pass. And nothing. I'm so stupid. My dad isn't listening.

"Please, Dad. I-I'm scared," I plead weakly. "I'm scared Miguel won't make it, I'm scared of mom coming after me, I'm scared of losing more people. I-I'm terrified of losing karate because it could be all I have left." Fear does not exist. "I need your guidance."

I'm that naive, little girl Janice always said I was. I need to stop believing in fairytales and magic.

"I need my Dad."

My dad isn't here and neither is Miguel. I need to grow up.

"I... I never even got to say goodbye to him. To either of you."

Life is unfair. The real world shows no mercy. I know this. I need to stop crying about it.

I'm nauseous and the world is spinning. I'm shaking. Oh no. Not another panic attack.

I caused this.

I try to steady my breathing and prevent it, but I can't. I can't stop the anxiety and awful feelings rising in my chest.

What happened today was my fault. If I'd stayed with Miguel, none of this would have happened. I betrayed him.

I close my eyes to pretend this isn't happening. But somehow it makes it worse.

My reputation is ruined. I lost my boyfriend and my friends and I killed my best friend.

I rock back and forth on the ground as the thoughts take over.

I killed my best friend. I killed my best friend. I killed my best friend.

I've lost to the voices now, too. I've lost him. I've lost everything. I've lost everyone. And now I'm truly alone.

A/N: Flashback end.

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The last customer leaves two minutes before we close. Now, I can go to Shannon's and finally have some alone time with Robby.

I can feel the weight of the day pressing on my shoulders and making it hard to breathe. I need to tell Robby about what happened. I need to hope he understands how much it's impacted me. Am I terrified of his reaction? Yes. Do I trust him? Yes. So, this is my best option, right? I just hope he believes me.

I walk out from behind the counter and begin to sweep as the door to the small shop rings; I groan internally in frustration.

"Welcome to Subway. We're about to close, so..."

I pause as my eyes take in the visitor who surely isn't a customer.

"I'm talking and you're listening because I deserve to get a word in."

"M-Miguel?" I stutter in absolute shock. "What are you doing here, at my work?"

"I didn't know where else to find you," he approaches me. "Z, I need to talk."

"I made it clear that I-"

"JUST LET ME TALK, PLEASE!" he snaps at me.

I stay silent when I see a tear fall down his face.

"You act like you're trying to let go of me forever, so the least you can do is let me try to make some sense for just a minute."

Miguel takes a step closer and I feel the guilt cut through me like a knife.

"I probably know more than I should," he begins.

"What do you-"

"Johnny had me listen to your voicemails," Miguel explains.

"M-My voicemails?" I avoid eye contact and twist my snake ring around my finger.

"From August."

My breath stops for a moment, "Those weren't for anyone to hear. Not anymore."

"We're past having boundaries with each other, don't you think?" he asks me. "I mean, after what you did at the drive-in?"

I look down guiltily as I remember how I treated him. I hadn't interacted with him in so long that I just wanted to pretend he wasn't really trying to come back into my life.

"Explain to me why it's okay for you to cut me out like I meant nothing," Miguel says. "What did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much? Because all I heard in those voicemails was a girl who was hurting in a way I hadn't known since you talked to me about your dad. I got out of my coma and you were disconnected from my life. Why?"

"I was scared," I tell him.

"I know, but don't you think about anyone else? You weren't the one who was paralyzed. You weren't the only one who was scared. Your boyfriend paralyzed me, Z. It's like I'm worthless to you now. You live based on what's best for you, but don't think about other people. You didn't do that before. Do you ever wonder why?" he asks me.

"Because I've tried to help other people and they took advantage of that." I remember Adam Hansen and how I only wanted to help him and Ella.

"No, it's because of Kreese," he tells me. "He's a master at manipulation. It's only a matter of time before you see the truth, too. I don't want you to get hurt."

I look at him in sincerity, "Why? A-After all I've done and said to you, you don't... you don't want me to get hurt?"

"You're still in my heart. A friendship like what we had is hard to get rid of that easily, which is why I came to you. I think maybe I still have a chance," he pleads.

I feel my hard shell breaking and my vulnerability creeping through.

"From what I understand, which isn't a lot, you stopped talking to me because you... cared too much?"

A shock runs through my body when I realize how stupid and true that sounds.

"I woke up from a coma to find everyone supporting me, except for my best friend." Miguel's eyes can almost see into my soul. "Now, it's like we're strangers. It's like you didn't live with me or like I wasn't there through your breakup or like I wasn't with you when we were bullied by Kyler and his friends."

"You chose Johnny," I whisper, knowing that my own argument is weak. My hands shake.

"You chose Kreese. You chose Robby. You chose to leave me behind. Even if I could understand why you chose other people, I don't understand why you shut me out entirely. Kreese, Johnny, and Mr. LaRusso all say that we're in a war, but don't you see how stupid that is?"

I look down at my ring to avoid his confrontation. I remember getting this and my attachment to him and Aisha and Hawk. Now, we're separated. There's almost no point in wearing it...

"Look at me and stop pretending this isn't happening."

I look up at him.

"The 'war' began with Kreese. Do you think it'll end if Cobra Kai wins the tournament? No. It won't. Kreese is wanting our sides to be divided, he loves our miscommunications, and he is the only one benefitting from this," Miguel tries to reason.

"I never meant for it to go this far," I say softly. "I just thought it'd be easier to... let go of you."

"I stopped talking to you because I knew I wasn't good enough," I hold in a sob. "I was convinced that I hurt everyone around me and I guess I thought that pushing you away would save you that pain. Obviously, I was wrong."

"I don't know how you ever thought that," he shakes his head. "I mean, even in your voicemails you blamed yourself for what happened at the school? That was Robby's... It was both of our faults, how out of hand it got."

"I don't know," I realize as I try to recall what I was thinking back then. "I guess I thought that I could have talked you both out of it."

"Z," Miguel steps closer to the counter, "it wasn't your fault."

That's when the tears stream down my face uncontrollably and I see him getting teary-eyed.

"I'm sorry I didn't come see you. I'm sorry that I made you think I hated you. I don't hate you. I never did... I... I love you, Miguel."

The words melt out of my mouth as I stare at the person right in front of me.

"I love you, too, Z," he nods.

I don't even know how since my tears make everything a blur, but somehow we end up in an embrace that's been absent since August. It only makes the tears fall faster and harder.

I take in the fact that Miguel is alive and hugging me right now. I wouldn't have believed it before, but now I have to.

After another comforting minute, we break the hug.

"I have to... to tell you that I'm not leaving Cobra Kai," I tell him. "I trust Sensei Kreese and everything he teaches me."

Miguel sighs, "I'm not going to make you leave Cobra Kai. Just, please, don't cut me out again."

"I-I won't," I say, not even entirely sure how to keep that from happening if we're on different sides.

"You're not my enemy, Z," he says. "I want you to be happy and figure out what works for you, but you have to stop fighting Eagle Fang and Miyagi-Do before the tournament. You have to stop coming after us so both sides have equal shots to win."

"Okay," I agree almost too quickly.

I don't want to hurt him anymore, anyway. Even my horrible words from the other day that I aimed at Hawk and Sam seem petty and stupid now. I want the focus of the tournament to be back on keeping Cobra Kai in The Valley; it's all I have and a lot of other people rely on it, too.

"Okay?" he questions me again.

"Okay. I don't want to hurt you any more," I say softly.

"Okay, okay," he nods. "I just... I also need you to see the bad side of what you're choosing to fight for. And, this time, I don't just mean Kreese."

"Then, what do you mean?" I ask softly.

"I mean, what Robby did-"

"Miguel, please, don't try to pull me away from him. It'll tear me apart because I love you both and I just got both of you back," I sigh as I let down my guard entirely with him.

"You... love him?" Miguel asks in surprise.

"Yeah, I love him and I... I love you, obviously in different ways," I say with a small smile.

"Do you even know what he and the other Cobras did to Eli today?" he asks in frustration.

"What do you mean?" my heart sinks when I see Miguel's face of anguish.

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I finally bring myself out of my car and into the Keene's apartment. I clutch the butterfly in my hand: a symbol of hope. I may have a drank a little after I parked to get up my courage... I know we need to talk this out.

I walk through the front door and see Robby look over from the kitchen counter and rush over to me.

He wraps me in a hug, "I was wondering where you were. I was so worried."

I stand still as I try to find my words to talk about what he did. I'm only a little tipsy from the two beers.

"Have you been drinking?" Robby pulls away. He must smell it.

"I don't know. Did you cut off Hawk's hair?" I glare at him.

He sighs, "You drank something."

"You are avoidi-ing my question," I say. "Did you do it?"

"Yeah," Robby shrugs. "He got what he deserved."

"What I did at the drive-in wasn't enough? You heard Sensei Silver's rule about no fighting," I remind him.

"We didn't fight," he argues.

"So, he will- willinen- willingly let you cut his hair?" I stumble over my words.

"I made it clear that you two are over for good," Robby explains. "Z, let's sit and talk."

"I'm fine. We haveto stop attack-ack-ing them before the tournament," I remember what Miguel and I discussed tonight. It just becomes more and more messy.

"What you did to Sam the other night sure looked like an attack," Robby points out.

"It was something for all of us to learn from, just like Sen-Silver said."

"You can't put all your trust into him."

I stop myself from telling him that I don't want to trust the man.

Any resistance from me shows Robby that even I have doubts and it increases the possibility of him leaving. My bond with Sensei Kreese is too strong to break over Silver, but losing Robby may break me. I'll keep it inside.

Just like I've decided to keep the truth about when I babysat inside. I thought I knew Robby fully, but this isn't like him.

"We both got even with each other's exes. Hawk hurt you the other night and this guarantees that he'll back off," Robby says it like it's a positive thing. "Come sit down."

"I don't like this side of you," I whisper when I see how set on revenge he is.

"Well, I don't like to see you coming home drunk," he argues.

"Maybe I wouldn't be if you'd communimicated with me! Hawk already wanted nothing to do with me today in school," I tell him.

"I wanted to make sure I'm your one and only. Miguel came from under my nose and took Sam-"

"I get your trust issues," I say. "I understand themmmore than you could know, but I taught you'd at least try to talk things ouit with me. Because... Because Hawk didn't and that's what led us here. But, Robby, you know I would never cheat on you. I love you."

Tears brim in my eyes as the emotional drunk side of me peeks through.

Robby runs his hand through his hair and I watch him turn away to cool down.

I turn away with a sob and swing the door open to leave, "Why does nobody believe me?"

The rain starts to pick up as I make my way back over to my crappy car and I hear a voice yelling after me.

"Zion, wait, wait, don't do anything stupid," Robby rushes in front of me and blocks my way to my car. "Let's talk this out."

The rain soaks both of us. I go around him anyway.

"I went about it the wrong way. I'll admit it!" he tells me.

I turn back to him, unable to tell if my face is wet from just the rain or if tears are mixed in there, too.

Robby takes a step closer and looks into my eyes with his beautiful green ones, "I didn't want to lose you. I was scared."

He was scared... just like me...

"I don't want to hurt you, either. The anger got to me and I'm trying to be better for you," he says softly. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," I look down guiltily. "I knew that drinking would piss you off, but I shouldn't have done it. I was stupid."

"We were both stupid," he pushes the wet hair out of my face and we stand even closer now.

"I just wish we weren't in the middle of this stupid karate war," I admit. "I want a normal relationship a-and normal friendships."

"When we win and my dad and Mr. LaRusso stop teaching, you'll get your normalcy," Robby says and I finally embrace him in a hug.

He rests his chin on top of my head as I try to believe his words, but I think Miguel has a point about the "war" never ending. I trust Sensei Kreese, but it's possible that Sensei Silver may never let it end. If Cobra Kai stays, there will always be resistance. If we lose, then I don't know what I'd do.

I clutch the butterfly behind his back as he holds me in the pouring rain.

"Please, no more fighting until the tournament," I whisper.

"No more fighting. It's not worth losing you over," he presses a kiss in my hair.

We stand in the rain for another twenty minutes and all that matters to me is him.

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I wake up the next morning beside Robby and it's then that I realize I was able to sleep through the majority of the night.

I smile to myself before shifting out of the bed - careful not to wake him - and taking my phone off the charger.

I make enough now to be self-sufficient and not worry about Janice paying for things like my phone bill or gas money. It's a good feeling.

But, as I take the Keene's garbage out to the trash receptacle, my mind drifts to the one who is hurting right now and it's all because of me.

I take my phone out and dial. It gets one ring in before being declined. I try again. Declined. This isn't something I can do through a voicemail.

I see the ever-lingering snake ring on my finger that Miguel, Hawk, and Aisha gave me. Now, I'm the only original Cobra left.

I walk back into the apartment with every emotion conflicting. I turn on the news to provide as a buffer between me and my thoughts while I grab breakfast.

Hawk's whole identity was based on that haircut and his back tattoo. When I knew him without it, he was the Eli who didn't have any self confidence. I fear that he may revert back to that, and it'll be all my fault.

The truth is, I do still care. It's not the same way as before, obviously, but I do feel horribly about what happened. I want to apologize, at the very least.

"I didn't even hear you get up," Robby comes out thirty minutes later. "How'd you sleep?" I can feel the nervousness in his voice at his question.

"Actually, pretty good," I answer as I use the small mirror out here to put my hair up.

"Really?" I see his smile at my answer as he appears behind me in the mirror. "That's awesome."

He wraps his arms around my waist in a loving way. I know he isn't going to cause me harm, but my nerves freak out and send a panicked signal to my brain.

I pull my hands away from my hair and pry him off of me.

"What?" Robby asks worriedly as I try to catch my breath from standing.

I stare at him and blink a few times to check that it's really him. Then, the guilt trickles in and I sigh.

"I'm sorry. I'm fine," I say as I twirl the hair tie around and around on my wrist.

"You didn't seem fine."

"I'm fine!" I snap at him.

Robby's eyes widen at my tone of voice; I suppress the panic as best I can. He doesn't even seem to want to ask what's wrong anymore because he knows I'll shut him down.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "It's nothing for you to worry about."

This isn't his burden. It's mine.

"I need to head out. I think my car needs gas," I excuse myself lamely as I walk by him and grab my keys.

"Don't you need to change?" he calls after me.

I look down and realize that I'm still in his sweats from last night after we got soaked.

"No."

And with that, I walk out the door.

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I feel like a spy as I glance around from behind my locker's door to find him. I need to see him and apologize because what I told Miguel was true: I never meant for it to become a war. At least, not like this.

I know how hypocritical I seem, but it was easier when it impacted people I barely knew or didn't care about. Now, it's hurting Miguel and Hawk/Eli... I never thought they'd be the enemy.

"Good morning," Olivia walks over with Eva.

I jump a little at the unexpected appearance, "Hi."

"We know you're going through a lot of drama," Eva says, "but we still need to focus on our project. We haven't narrowed down what our cause is going to be."

"Ms. Hale said that we're going to be taking notes today for the majority of class, so we have to meet up after school. Eva volunteered her place. Please say you're available," Olivia tells me.

I stare at the hopeful duo and nod, "I have karate, but right after I'll be there."

"Good!" Olivia smiles brightly.

"Have you seen Jai today?" Eva questions.

"No," I shake my head.

"I need to find them and make sure they can come. I'll catch up with you guys later," she decides.

Olivia lingers. I grab my books from my locker and shut it, "Did you need something else?"

"Um, I wanted to check on how you were doing?" she asks.

I stare at her for a moment, "What?"

"How are you doing? Obviously, the whole school has heard about you beating up Sam LaRusso and cheating on Hawk," she tells me. "But, I just heard a rumor that Hawk's hair got chopped? Is that true? Did you do that or did someone else? Everyone is saying mean things about you and I'm really sorry. When we work together, I don't see you as an evil psychopath." She tries to keep her tone lighthearted, despite her words reflecting what the majority of the student body believes about me.

"They're just rumors," I say vaguely and avoid eye contact.

"Um, Jai told me about the notes in your locker," she presses.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't my first or last time being called a 'cunt.'"

I turn to walk away and see everyone looking at me judgmentally. Chris, Mitch, and Demetri huddle together, but there's still no sign of Hawk/Eli. I don't even know what to refer to him as anymore.

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt," Olivia follows me. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Have you seen Hawk?" I whisper to her.

She looks at me in surprise, "No. Why?"

"Just curious," I lie. I need to apologize because this can only make the karate war worse.

"Jai!" Olivia yells through the hallway.

They turn towards us and head over, but it seems everyone else in the hallway is looking at us now, looking at me.

My chest tightens at the attention and I whisper to Olivia before walking away, "I'll see you in history."

He doesn't stand out without his mohawk, I know, and it makes him harder to find, I know, but I want to talk to him and say I'm sorry for what Robby did. Then, maybe I can find it in myself to say I'm sorry for what I did. Miguel put a lot into perspective for me.

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There's no answer when I bang on the door and ring the doorbell a million times. His mom's car is gone, but his motorcycle is still out front. I know he's in there.

It's then that my eyes catch the garden gnome. I reach under it. The key is still there.

I walk into the house and see a light on downstairs in the basement where Eli's old video games and things were. It only makes sense. I feel badly for essentially breaking in, but I need him to know I feel badly.

I walk down the stairs and see him playing some game on the TV. Well, until he realizes I'm there.

"What the hell are you doing here? Get out!" he tries to yell, but his voice is hoarse.

His head is covered with a baseball cap and a hood and he won't turn to look at me.

"I've tried calling you," I begin.

"I have nothing to say to you," he says in a voice that sounds like he's been crying and it breaks my heart.

"I-I wanted to say I'm sorry," I tell his back. "I didn't know Robby would-"

"Of course you did!"

"No, I didn't-"

"You wouldn't have cared even if you did know, so get out!" he screams at the wall he faces.

"Eli-"

"Don't call me that. Don't talk to me. We don't give a shit about each other, so stop acting like it," he says. "Get out of here. I never want to see you again."

The fact that he doesn't even face me tells me that he's scared and ashamed. This was my doing.

"I know I shouldn't be talking to you and I know I shouldn't have checked on you and I know you hate me, but I am sorry," I tell him in all honesty. "You have every right to hate me, but I need you to know that I'm sorry."

"I told you that I'd never forgive you. You can't control me any more, all right? I'm done with you, Zion," his voice is cold.

"Okay," I whisper. I remember that this is what I thought I wanted, so why should he ever forgive me?

"Okay. Now, go." I hear him sniffle. "And leave the key."

With my hands shaking, I set the key on the couch and then turn to leave. I hesitate another moment before slipping my snake ring off and leaving it beside the key. I know I was stupid to come, but at least now I've told him what I wanted to.

I stop halfway up the stairs to turn back and see that the fire inside of him is gone. Kyler was there when his hair was cut and him and Kyler have a long, traumatic past together. It makes me wonder...

"You know, you were strong with and without that mohawk," I begin. "Long before Cobra Kai, you were fighting. It would suck to have Kyler get the best of you in one afternoon when you've worked so many years to fight him off."

Then, I continue up the stairs and leave him with those words. I'm at a loss of anything else to say now. All I know is that Kyler will forever be the enemy, even if he is on my side, and that's something my pettiness can't take away.

I grab his old Marvel hoodie out of my car and toss it onto the front porch. We both deserve to move on properly. I could have handled things differently or maybe found a better way to help him, but I decided not to let him go easily like I did with Miguel. We're not a couple anymore, obviously, but I won't shut him out completely.

I got to talk to him, sure, but that didn't make us feel any better. I dug myself into this hole and now I have to find the right way to get out of it.

⭒⭒⭒

"Today we focus on devotion," Sensei Silver walks around us as we practice our punches. "Loyalty to Cobra Kai has never been more important. You've had Cobras defect in the past because they didn't understand all we have to offer. Like I said, I can't give you devotion."

Thoughts swarm my head as he talks. I'm loyal, but I'm also finding my conscience.

"But, I can give you discipline."

"Discipline is here to aid you in the real world, to aid you in overcoming your enemies, to aid you in winning the tournament," Sensei Kreese reminds us of our purpose.

"I heard about your plan to play beauty parlor," Sensei Silver gives us all a sly smile.

I look down in dismay as I remember what happened to him. He wasn't even in school today.

"Your application of 'no mercy' is admirable," Sensei Kreese smirks.

"But your execution of discipline is weak. I thought I was clear when I said no fighting until the tournament," Sensei Silver dominates Sensei Kreese's point. "I won't hold all of you in contempt for that. I will, however, warn you that any acts of disloyalty or disrespect from here on out will result in anyone involved being benched for a certain amount of time."

I look at him in surprise. Between what I did and what they did to Eli, I'm getting worried. Then, I turn to Tory. I have yet to talk to her about what they did to Eli, but even I can see her beginning to get worried at our second sensei's words. He knows how much this dojo means to us.

"Is that understood?" Sensei Silver asks us.

"Yes, Sensei!"

"Good. Now, we have a potential new student. Miss Elswith, welcome," Sensei Silver turns to Piper, who has been waiting patiently. "Let's see what you're made of."

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A/N: The next chapter: Moxie girls fight back:)