Chapter Forty-Two: Internal Conflict

"So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you? Ain't it fun? Living in the real world. Ain't it good? Being all alone."

~Ain't It Fun by Paramore~

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Revised: August 2, 2022

Warnings: abuse, anxiety, biphobia/homophobia, depression, domestic violence, slight eating disorder, language, panic attacks, sexual harassment/assault/abuse, violence, and other mature themes

Hi, if you are bi/pan/queer/any part of the LGBTQIAP+ community, please remember you are valid and I love you. This chapter starts off kind of rough, so please remember your worth and you can skip the flashback if homophobia/biphobia it really bothers you <3

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Zion's POV: A little over a year ago.

"Where the hell have you been?" my mom asks me as I walk in.

"I was at Jess's," I say.

"You made me worried sick. I've been calling and texting you," she says angrily. She's drunk and stressed out again and it causes me to cautiously walk around her. She hit me a few weeks ago and I'm worried it'll happen again.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see that-"

"I have to worry over your father all the time. He's dying, Zion," she says and it hits right in the heart when she says it so bluntly. I know that. I've known that. "And now I have to worry over my slut of a child while she sleeps around at a girl's house and I'm slaving away to make your dad's last few weeks here nice."

"I-"

"I never even wanted a girl. And bisexual? What the hell does that mean? Stop being so greedy and pick one fucking gender, Zion. I didn't want to raise a slut for a daughter, but here we fucking are!" she holds up the knife like she's forgotten it's in her grasp.

I look down, tears pouring out of my eyes.

"Never be late again or I will use this knife for something other than cutting fruit. Got it?" she threatens.

"Y-Yes," I nod in fear, visibly shaking now.

She's become so unhinged recently. And I don't want to tell my dad because he has enough pressure and stress as it is. He's bed-ridden and probably asleep right now, so he can't help. I don't know what else to do except put up with it.

 I mean, what do you do when your mom doesn't love you? What do you do when she's worse than any high school bully you've ever had to deal with? They don't teach you how to handle these things.

"Go up to your room, you little bitch," my mom says and continues cutting her fruit with the knife. I run up to my room as fast as I can and lock it behind me, all my emotions pouring out as I breakdown on my bed.

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Zion's POV: Present

"Hey," I sit down in biology. Jenna doesn't even look at me. "Are you okay?"

"I want to talk to you about the soccer game Friday. It was a mess," she says and I raise my eyebrows, wondering why this is the first thing out of her mouth. "Your karate gangs were attacking each other and you were a part of it."

"A lot of it was by accident," I argue.

"I'm not stupid, Z. I really don't like violence. I understand self defense, but you all were just seeking it out," Jenna explains. "I thought on some level you felt the same way, but you were participating in it just as much and I... I didn't like what I saw."

My heart sinks when she tells me this. I didn't mean to upset her. "I'm sorry I hurt you," I frown.

"Don't apologize to me."

"Jenna, this is a complicated feud-"

"But why does it have to be a feud? Moon was telling us how at some point you were all friends. What changed?" she asks.

I remember what Samantha and Demetri have said and done in the past to me and the other Cobras.

"That's none of your business," I say defensively.

"No, you're right. Just think about it to yourself," she nods. "I really like you, Z." My stomach erupts into butterflies. "But I don't want to fall for someone who intentionally hurts other people just for the fun of it. Two wrongs don't make a right... and I want to know what I'm getting into."

I think about my answer. Everything she's saying is different than what I've been taught at Cobra Kai. She doesn't understand my life or the chaos that's ensued this past year. On the other hand...

"I really like you, too, Jenna," I tell her. "I won't hurt people anymore unless it's for self defense." I'm lying, but what she doesn't know won't kill her. You have to strike first in the real world. That's how it works. "Can you... forgive me?"

"Yes," she smiles at my response, "I can forgive you."

"Thank you," I say.

"One more question, though," she says and I nod nervously. "You and Hawk... Are you two getting back together or anything? Because you seem pretty close for exes-"

"Me and Hawk?" I interrupt and she nods. Fuck. "You don't have to worry about that... He's just been talking to me because he... knows my situation." I realize I just said something vague that invites questioning. Shit.

"What situation?" Jenna is genuinely concerned and I try to cover it up.

"Just... the whole Miguel thing," I lie. I never even talk about Miguel, but for some reason he's becoming my cover story for what's wrong with me and I honestly hate it. But how am I supposed to tell her the truth? I tell the wrong person and they'll call Child Protective Services. You can't trust anybody.

"Oh, right," she nods. "I'm here if you ever need to talk about that, you know."

"Thanks," I say tensely. 

An awkward silence falls over us.

"So, the next home game of the season is next Friday... Is your offer to cheer me on still available?" 

"Most definitely. I'll be there," I smile.

"Cool," she blushes.

"And maybe after we could go out to a restaurant? Together?" I ask boldly.

"I'd love to," she giggles and the butterflies explode in my stomach.

"Great... it's a date," I say softly and she places her hand on mine gently.

"It's a date."

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I'm finishing up my homework in the dojo before work in two hours. I'm missing karate today, but Sensei Kreese said he'll give me my lessons beforehand because he understands that I also have a job.

When I'm done, I walk into his office with a specific question, "Sensei?"

"Yes, child? Are you ready for today's training?" he asks me.

"Yes, Sensei," I say and he stands up. "I wanted to ask about expanding beyond just hand-to-hand combat... like, if you know anything about that?"

"I do. Why?" he asks me.

"Well, I've found that not everybody plays by the rules and I want to be ready if anybody ever has a weapon they use against me," I say. "I was caught in an... altercation a few months ago and they had a knife and I had no idea how to win that fight."

"As you can see, I have many weapons at my disposal," he gestures around the dojo. "I can start off by teaching you how to throw a knife, if you wish, child." I nod and he points to the wall, "Grab a few knives and I'll go look for a wooden target."

I smile excitedly, walking over and picking up a few throwing knives. They're flat and sharp only at the top. They're good to start off with, I suppose. I got lucky in that alleyway when the boy didn't know how to use a knife and I turned it against him and scraped it down his arm, but there's always the chance of something similar happening again and I might not be able to stop it.

"Okay," Sensei Kreese walks back in, carrying a large target made of three pieces of plywood with a red target in the middle. He sets it down with a grunt and I have to admit I feel badly for not helping him. "It's good to learn how to work with a knife before bringing it into combat, so we'll just practice your throwing first." I nod as he walks over and grabs a knife for himself. "Get into the basic position you'd have to throw a ball."

I copy his stance and narrow my eyes at the target. I've got this.

"The best way to throw knives is called the spinning technique. Your knife spins in the air in full circles before hitting the target. You have to time it out perfectly so the sharp edge is what hits the target and sticks. Otherwise," he brings his arm back and throws the knife towards the boards and it bounces off to the ground, "that will happen and the throw will be a miss."

I nod and wind up my arm, copying what he did. I aim for the bullseye and try to calculate the distance. When I release it, I know it's already a shitty throw. It doesn't even hit the target, but rather the wall behind it.

"Shit. I'm sorry," I say.

"Don't be sorry. Just be better," Sensei Kreese says and I nod as he walks over to get the knife and I anxiously toy with my ring. "You need to keep your elbow more in line with the rest of your arm's rotation. Your aim will improve and solve at least one problem." He throws it and it lands on the target just below the bullseye.

Then, he hands me another knife and I sigh, my eyes focused on the target again. I practice my throwing without actually releasing the knife and feel embarrassed that Sensei Kreese is just watching me intently, waiting for me to make my move. I release the knife and it soars towards the target. It makes contact, but bounces off and doesn't stick. 

"You're putting too much spin into the throw," my sensei explains. "Don't flick your wrist as much."

I nod and prepare to try again. I focus on the target and apply his corrections the best I can. It flies through the air again and hits the outer ring, but still doesn't stick. Damnit.

"Keep your arm steady. Not tense, but steady," Sensei Kreese walks over to my right side and grabs my throwing arm to show me.

I take the chance and jump on the bed, rushing to the door. My foot doesn't follow, though, and I feel his hand grabbing it. I can't move any further. I turn back to punch him, but he grabs my fist and wrestles me onto the bed, pinning me underneath him. Shit.

The second his hands touch me, I move my arm and push him off, curling into myself and walking away from him. I feel the panic in my chest rise again.

"Be quiet, babygirl. Don't you want to be so good for me?" 

"What happened?" Sensei Kreese asks me.

"Nothing... I... I..." I try to explain it, but fall short and wrap my arms around myself for comfort.

"It was my mistake for touching you," he says in an apologetic tone.

"It shouldn't have bothered me," I say in almost a whisper. It's Sensei Kreese. He's not going to hurt me.

"Why did it?" he asks me. I look down, not wanting to cry in front of him again. Tears are for losers. I'm a winner.

"You wouldn't understand," I say. No man or boy could ever understand what it's like to be objectified every day of your life. 

"Perhaps not. But it may help to talk about it," he says and I slowly nod. 

"I keep going back to that night, to all the bad experiences in my life where... where guys harassed or assaulted or abused me and... last week I froze. I was... I was... in that situation," I allude to the horror of that night, "and only after a few minutes did I regain control of my bodily functions. I... I..."

"You were scared," Sensei finishes.

"I was terrified in a way I didn't even know possible," I correct. "And I know 'fear does not exist' and everything, but... I couldn't help it and... I'm sorry for being so weak." I hold in my tears and try to stand tall and collect myself.

"Z, when I was in the war, I almost lost to fear," Sensei Kreese says. "It was just before we were rescued. The Vietnamese soldiers had us trapped and I had to fight my captain." I can tell already that this story is hard for him to tell. His breathing is heightened and his fists are clenched. "It was to the death. I thought I had a reason to live, but I was wrong because he told me the love of my life was dead..."

"Sensei, this is private and I don't-"

"One of my biggest fears had come true," he tells me.

"You... You were afraid?" I ask.

"I was. And I was about to fight over a pit of snakes with the man who had taught me everything, who was twice my size," he tells me. I wonder if that's where the name Cobra Kai came from. "But I survived. I used my head, I showed no mercy, and I didn't give into fear."

"How did you conquer it?" I ask.

"I used it to my advantage. I didn't let it consume me. I owned my fear and pain and anger and you know what? It saved my life," he says.

"But how did you own it?" I ask.

"It's different for everyone. Sometimes it just happens in the moment, child," he tells me. "There are some sick people in this world. I wanted to kill that guy in his yard for doing whatever he did. But the world still spins and you strike first, strike hard, show no mercy, and control your fear. Eventually it will go away."

"But I feel like it's all my fault it happened," I say. "I let it happen. I wasn't smart enough to recognize the signs. I-"

"You are a victim of your mother's abuse," Sensei says and it catches me off-guard. I almost forgot he saw her that one time I was out of town. "It's only natural for those who don't know any better to fall into the trap."

Honestly, I think I've blocked out a bunch of the memories I had with her in my childhood...

"I'm going to help you be a wise fighter. You were manipulated, you lost, but that won't happen with your enemy ever again. It is never the victim's fault. What are you, Z?"

"I'm a winner, Sensei," I look at him with a little more confidence.

"You can't blame yourself. You can't be your own worst enemy. Do you understand, Z?"

"Yes, Sensei," I say.

"And what are you?" he asks me.

"A winner, Sensei," I respond and we share a small smile.

"Then take those knives and throw them at your enemy," Sensei Kreese yells and I walk back over to aim at the target. 

"You do owe me, after all. I'm letting you stay here, so it's the least you can do."

I throw one. It bounces off.

"Pathetic," he says.

"Never be late again or I will use this knife for something other than cutting fruit. Got it?"

I try again. Fail.

"Is that all you can do?"

"You can stay out here and sleep on the couch, if you'd like. As long as you're okay with that."

The knife sticks to the wood this time on the outer ring of the target.

"Loser."

"I am your mother and I deserve respect."

Another throw gets the knife in between the outer line and the center. I'm so close.

Before I can react, though, he raises his hand and slaps my cheek. I freeze in shock. Nobody has slapped me since I lived with Janice.

"Are you a true cobra?"

I sob as she lets go of my arm and then brings her hand to now punch my face. 

I throw the knife again with determination and anger and it soars through the air. 

Bullseye.

I smirk at my sensei with a small laugh,

"Now who's the loser?"

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The next day, I sit in math class and take my test, trying to remember what I've learned. It's silent in the room, with the exception of the sounds of graphite on paper. I write the quadratic formula in the top right corner to help me.

As I work through the problems, I feel the quiet overwhelm me. Usually I can play some music to fill the deafening silence, but I can't now.

The panic starts to rise in my chest and I begin to overthink.

It stings and catches me off-guard, allowing him to slip the shirt over my head, my body not wanting to function.

I can't have this now. I need to focus on this test. I need a good grade.

...allowing him to slip the shirt over my head...

I feel myself shaking and tears brim as I think about this being my fault.

"I've always wanted a little sister. Or, a dog. Or, a cat," Ella giggles. "It's just me and my daddy."

I think about Ella. I can only hope she's okay. She has to be. I'd never forgive myself if that sick bastard...

"So perfect for daddy." I watch as he moves his hands to his pants to pull them down and it hits me.

I raise my hand, the rest of my body ready to shut down.

"Yes, Zion?" Ms. Brown asks and I feel a few people's eyes on me.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask her hopefully. 

he nods and I get out of my seat quickly, walking out and towards the bathroom. I see Hawk looking at me in my peripheral vision, but I don't even care. If I'm going to have a breakdown it isn't going to be in public.

I make it to the small, crappy restroom and walk into a stall and close the door. My breathing gets heavy as my body shakes and I feel like collapsing. I feel the pressure of the world on me.

I have to provide for myself, fight for myself, do well in school to keep Janice away, handle relationship drama, and on top of that are panic attacks and sleepless nights.

I know I'm overworking myself, but I can't ever stop. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the leader, the new champion. I'm scared that if I ever let my guard down- even for a minute- I'll lose the respect of those around me and show my weakness. I'll lose everything again. I can't let that happen.

I talk myself through what my sensei said: I can't let fear control me. My breathing normalizes slowly as I remember training with the knives. I was a winner then. I felt good about myself. I can be a winner again.

"You're a winner, Z. It's within you. I've seen it."

I walk out of the stall and to the mirror, surprised nobody else is in here. I wipe my tears away, glad I wore waterproof mascara. I stare at my reflection and analyze myself. My short, blonde hair is growing out a bit, but I don't mind it. My outfit and makeup looks good and I try to breathe slowly to make the redness go away.

It freaks me out for a moment because I see bits and pieces of Janice in my appearance. I have her smile and her eyebrows. But I remember the one time Hawk saw the picture of my dad and said I looked like him. I'm rarely ever told that, but with shorter hair I can see the resemblance. I have his face shape, natural hair color, and nose. 

I splash some cold water on my neck and decide I need to go back into class and finish that test. I force myself to make a small smile in the mirror, "I've got this," and then walk out.

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I make it back to the dojo after school to do homework again before I need to go to Subway. When I walk in, I notice Sensei Kreese is ready to go somewhere.

"Oh, you're back," he says and I nod.

"Yes, Sensei," I nod. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to try another way to get Johnny... I mean, Sensei Lawrence back," he explains and I frown at the name.

"Sensei Lawrence? Why?" I ask. I don't want him here; he doesn't care about me, so why should I care about him?

"He's always been my top student. He won three All Valleys," Sensei Kreese says. I could have won the All Valley if Janice hadn't showed up and ruined it.

"We don't need him back," I argue. "He tried to change what Cobra Kai stands for and caused Miguel to show mercy and got him put into a coma."

"I can show Johnny the error of his ways and get him to come back," my sensei explains and I know I don't like this idea. "Did you not want to come with me to visit Robby?"

"Robby?" I ask, confused as ever now. Robby wants nothing to do with his dad and as far as I understand it's mutual.

"I thought given your past together you'd like to see him," Sensei Kreese states.

"How do you know about that?" I ask, a little freaked out.

"Hawk mentioned it one time," Sensei Kreese says and I tense. 

"I didn't cheat on him," I say.

Sensei Kreese smiles in amusement, "I never said you did." At least he believes me, I guess.

"How does visiting Robby get his dad back?" I ask, still not understanding the plan.

"He's in the real world now, child," Sensei Kreese says. "Juvie is no joke. We can help him."

I smile a little, "Okay... and I'd get to see him?"

I'm unsure if he wants to see me because I sent an email over the weekend and he didn't respond, but I know that I want to see him. Jess told me to hold onto the good in my life and basically said that was Robby, so I have to put in the effort to have something go right.

"Of course," my sensei says. "Are you ready to go now?" I nod and turn to walk back out of the dojo, saving my homework for later tonight.

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"And your name?" the guard asks me when we sign-in to see Robby.

"Uh... Zion Ambrose," I give my legal name, cringing when I say it. 

"Okay, only one goes in at a time," he says and I look up at Sensei Kreese.

"I'll go first?" he asks and I nod. He walks in with the guard and I take a seat in the waiting room.

I check my email, but notice Robby still hasn't responded. What if he doesn't want to see me? He hasn't responded to my emails, so there must be a reason. But what did I do wrong? I don't want him to push me away or for me to push him away because all we have may be each other. 

A few minutes later, Sensei Kreese comes back out. I've noticed that visiting times are limited. I stand up and walk over.

"He's not my biggest fan," Sensei Kreese says dismay.

"I'll talk to him," I assure him and follow the guard back into a room with tables and chairs across from each other. A few people are in here already and when my eyes land on Robby, I smile a little.

"You have up to thirty minutes, but you can leave early if you need," the guard walks me over and I nod, a bit uncomfortable with how close he's standing. I know it's just his job and I need to chill out.

"Thanks," I try to be nice and sit down across from the boy. "Hi."

"Hey."

It's silent.

"If you're here to talk about Cobra Kai-"

"No," I shrug. "Just wanted to see you."

"Really?" he doesn't believe me. "Your sensei didn't put you up to it? My dad didn't say anything?"

"Your dad isn't at Cobra Kai anymore," I explain. "I haven't seen him since..." I think about the last time I saw him. It was before Moon's party and he said he'd be there if I needed anything. What a joke. "Well, I haven't seen him since before the first day of school."

"Oh," is all Robby says. His emotions are closed off and I can't get a good read on him.

"Are the guys in there getting any nicer?" I ask hopefully. The bruise by his eye is still there and it makes me sad to see him hurt.

"Oh, yeah," he says with sarcasm dripping in his voice. "It's all sunshine and rainbows now."

I frown and look down to toy with my ring, regretting asking the question.

"I'm sorry, Zion," he apologizes. "My dad came to visit me last week and embarrassed me in front of all of them and now they all think I'm soft. It's been really hard in here is all. Oddly enough you and your sensei are the only people who don't blame me for what happened." I look over at him and he continues, "My dad blames me for putting Miguel in the hospital. Not that I'm surprised. Guess where he was when he didn't come visit me that one time?" I shrug and he smirks, "Over at the hospital with Miguel."

Everyone has been to that goddamn hospital except for me. But what am I supposed to say to him? Carmen never even reached out to me after what happened, so that's very telling. She must blame me for this. I wonder if she knows Robby and I used to date or if she knows I didn't stop them from fighting.

"I'm so sorry, Robby," I say.

"No, he's your... 'brother' or whatever, so I'm sorry," he shakes his head with bitterness in his voice.

"I-I haven't been to see him," I say. Why did I blurt that out? To make Robby feel better? That makes me sound like a fucking idiot.

"What?" Robby asks.

"I... I haven't seen Miguel since that day..." I say and his facial expression softens.

"Why not?"

"Um... How are you supposed to let someone you thought was dead back into your life?" I ask and Robby leans forward a bit for me to continue. "I know... I know it's stupid, but I could have stopped you and Miguel from fighting if I had only tried harder."

"What? I was the one-"

"Who pushed Miguel off, I know," I nod and bite my lip. "I just... I have the regret that I didn't do more. And Sensei Kreese is teaching me about not having regrets, but it's hard and I don't know if I can ever go back to normal with Miguel. He probably hates me for not coming to see him and... well, after what I've done-"

"Zion, you're doing that thing you always do," Robby interrupts me and I look at him in confusion.

"What? What do I always do?" I ask.

"You're hating on yourself about things you can't control," he says. "I remember because you did it with your dad." I tense at the mention of my dad. "You blamed yourself for his cancer."

"I was the reason he was stressed out and it... it ruined his immune system-"

"No, that's what your mom told you," he says and I sigh, reliving the same conversation we had over a year ago. "You had nothing to do with his health declining." I look down and notice I'm shaking my leg up and down under the table anxiously. "You're letting her get in your head."

"You're letting what everyone else says get into your head," I counter and our eyes connect. "Yeah, we have bad reputations right now and yeah, it sucks, but it isn't your fault. It's your teacher's fault. I know this because I know you." I reach over and grab his hand, holding it in comfort.

His eyes soften and he smiles at me, "And I know you."

"We're misunderstood by the rest of the world," I say softly. "And it's awful, but I'm telling you that we can still come out on top. We can take all of those things people say about us and everything that broke us and make them our truth and show everyone we can't be pushed around."

Robby nods, thinking about this and it's then that I realize we're still holding hands. He realizes, too, and pulls it away awkwardly.

"Sorry. I just... I guess I'm still with Sam? I don't know what we are and I-"

"No, that's fine. I'm just here for support, no romance required," I cover.

I hate that he still wants to be with Samantha. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I obviously can't tell him that. I have a date with Jenna coming up, anyway. And I need to stop slipping back into old feelings; I think I have a problem with that.

"Um... I guess I should go," I say and Robby nods. "I emailed you..." I mention awkwardly.

"I saw that... Sorry, I just haven't had time," he tells me.

"It's fine. Just... if you want to," I look down and turn to walk away.

"I will," he says.

I turn back with a small smile and our eyes connect again. I wave goodbye and he does the same, leaving me with a feeling of happiness.

Platonic happiness, of course. I mean... it has to be.

I make it out in front of the juvenile detention center and see Sensei Kreese sitting on a bench.

"Did you have a good conversation?" he asks me.

"I did. Thank you," I say, knowing I couldn't have gotten in without someone over eighteen.

"Good. Good," he says. "You have work?"

"Yes," I look at my phone for the time. "I should probably head over now." We drove separately.

"Okay. Be safe," he tells me.

"You, too."

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A/N: THANK YOU FOR 100,000 READS! THAT'S INSANE I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH:))

The next chapter is angst and I don't know if you're ready for it.

Actually, I have big plans for the next three updates, so hopefully you'll enjoy them.

Keep in mind everything in this story isn't what it seems, so remember that about characters because I have plans for season 4 already *evil laughter*

Also, the panic attack in school was something written purely off of personal experience, so yay for that haha.

I was on Twitter and saw this^ and... it's literally Zion changing her name to Z and it made me laugh.

Thank you again for reading, voting, and commenting. You make my day <3