Chapter Twenty-Eight: Guilt

"All these voices in my head get loud. I wish that I could shut them out. I'm sorry that I let you down."

~Let You Down by NF~

⭒⭒⭒

Revised: July 12, 2022

Warnings: panic attacks, anxiety, depression, abuse, domestic violence, sexual harassment/assault, language, violence, and other mature themes

A/N: It's a long weekend so I've been able to write a bit in my free time. Yay!

⭒⭒⭒

Zion's POV

He turns back over his shoulder, "And you said I was the only one for you, that you wouldn't stray. We all say things we don't mean." He walks towards the cars yet again and it hits me.

I've officially lost him. It's over.

It's over.

It takes me a second to tear my eyes away from Hawk's figure walking away from me. The boy I love is gone. There has to be a way to fix this.

But I don't think there is. I think this is truly the end. Everyone in my life leaves me at some point and I honestly thought Hawk would never leave. But now I'm here and alone in the woods and I feel a wave of loneliness crash over me.

I look around me and see nobody within viewpoint. I feel my body wanting me to collapse in tears, but another part of me says not to let out emotions. I try to suppress my panic, but fail miserably and end up collapsing on the ground.

Don't cry.

He doesn't love me anymore. He didn't say "I love you" back.

The last thing he said to me sounded familiar. The words, not the venom in his voice; I've never heard that kind of anger from him before.

Then it dawns on me that those were the words I said at the All Valley. I was making sure he knew I was loyal to him and not Robby.

I'm such an idiot. I should have told him what was going on. But now I've lost him and I've lost Robby and I've lost both of my parents.

I begin to shake on the ground as the world feels like it's closing in on me. I slam my fist into the dirt, trying to let out my anger and make the pain go away.

Why am I surprised that I'm losing everyone?

"Z?" I hear a voice call.

I don't know who is calling me and I don't care. I just want to go back in time and tell my past self to never talk to Robby.

"Z!"

It doesn't matter that a voice is calling me. I don't want to move. I just want to stay here forever. I feel like I physically can't move. And how can I? How am I expected to just carry on after my heart has been ripped out of my chest and Hawk stomped all over it?

"Zion, come on," the voice says and unknown arms go to touch my back and shoulders to get me up.

"NO!" I scream in a panic at the feeling of unwanted hands on my body, making me vulnerable.

I jump up and instinctively front kick the mysterious person in the gut. Whoever it is lets out a groan of pain and I relax just a bit when I notice the hands are off of me.

I then tune back into the world, surely looking like a wild animal after all the dirt and leaves have had the chance to cover my body. I look over at the person and I feel instant regret.

"Oh, Miguel. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. What happened?" he asks in concern. I look down, wiping tears I know I didn't allow to fall. "I was worried about you. I knew you were talking to Hawk, so I gave you some space and was waiting at the car. When you didn't come, I came to check on you. Are you... Are you okay?" He knows I'm not okay.

I hesitate, scared to let him in. But then I remember this is Miguel Diaz, my best friend. "We broke up," my voice cracks. The second I say it out loud, I regret it. This makes it official. I made it official by admitting it. My heart aches at that.

I see Miguel's face sadden immediately. He walks over and wraps me in a supportive hug. I break down on him, feeling safe because it's just us. I feel myself beginning to shake, but I try to control it and order myself not to do that right now.

God, I'm so weak, but I don't care. All I want is for Hawk to come back and forgive me, but I don't think that's going to happen.

"Why?" he whispers.

"H-He thinks I cheat on him w-with Robby. I've been texting and calling him as a friend only and Hawk saw the call history and messages. I swear I didn't cheat on him, b-but he doesn't believe me," I admit.

I wait for Miguel to pull away and yell at me like Hawk did, but he doesn't. "He broke up with you over that?"

I nod slowly. "He says he can't trust me anymore. I know it doesn't look good, but I'm not a cheater. So, I yelled, too."

"I heard a little bit of that," Miguel admits.

"Damnit," I say and wipe my tears as more come. "I was upset about the medal and everything just unraveled from there," I sob. I'm a mess and I don't even know if Miguel can understand what I just said through the sobbing.

"It's okay. I'm here," he assures me and pulls me into another hug. I hold him tightly, not wanting to let go. If I let go, he may leave, too. "I'm here. Don't worry." It's if he can read my mind.

After a few solid minutes of me trying to calm down, I pull away in embarrassment and look at my feet, "Sorry."

"Don't be," Miguel says. "It hurts when you breakup, but you'll be okay." I can tell Miguel has more to say and is most likely conflicted between his best friends breaking up, but he does what he can to help me at the moment. He's so great.

"Wait, you aren't mad at me for keeping in contact with Robby?" I ask, confused. I don't know if I want to know the answer, but oh well.

"Well... I'm not happy you kept it from me, but you seem genuine when you say it was only as friends and I have to believe my best friend," he says and I feel like I could melt into a puddle. I really do have the best friend ever.

"Thank you, Miguel," I say and he nods with a smile. "Can we head back and get out of these stupid woods?" I ask, trying to push the subject aside for now. He nods and we walk down to the car.

"Congrats on winning today, by the way," Miguel says.

"Thanks," I smile as much as I can; it's barely even a smile. "I thought you'd win for sure."

"Me too. Next time, though," Miguel smiles and I nod, driving to the interstate.

I put on some music to keep the silence from eating me alive. Winning the challenge at Coyote Creek doesn't even matter to me anymore. I just want him back.

⭒⭒⭒

I sit on the couch, ready to have a binge night with Miguel. He had the great idea to watch sitcoms together. He hopes that a night of laughing and junk food will help me. He said that this is what he did when he and Sam broke up.

As much as I don't want to have fun, Miguel insisted and I have to admit I'm a little bit excited to push away my feelings for a little bit longer. I don't want to face the fact of that Hawk and I are over. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't want to face the reality.

"Hey," Miguel walks in and I see he's in his normal clothes. We both showered, but he isn't in his pajamas like I am. "We probably need to make a run to the store for junk food. Did you want to go with me? I also thought we could return the medal to Sam's house while we were out. It would be the right thing to do."

I tense at the mention of the medal. It reminds me of what I so want to forget right now. But, I also know that I want to keep myself busy and stay with Miguel. Maybe I can preoccupy myself enough to run away from my thoughts and never have them confront me.

"Sure. Let me go get dressed," I say. Miguel nods as I go to change my shirt and pants and put on some shoes. I have a little bag full of my stuff in their closet, so I just pick something out of there.

I sift through the bag, looking for something to wear. I grab a t-shirt with sweatpants and go to close the door when my eyes land on something. The python. The stuffed python from our first official date. 

Sadness washes over me as I remember his nerdy little sentences and his caring demeanor that cancelled out any intimidation the mohawk had.  I try so hard to not cry - not over a stupid stuffed snake.

I close the closet and walk to the bathroom to get changed.

I come out about two minutes later and we go out to my car as he directs me on how to get to the LaRusso house.

⭒⭒⭒

We make it to the house. It's huge. Tory referred to her as a princess one time. I can definitely see why. Sam and her family are rich as hell. If I had even a fraction of what they do, maybe I could be fully independent.

"Are you coming with me?" Miguel asks.

"Yeah. Somebody has to make sure you don't fall for Sam's games again," I say a bit more abrasive than I meant to as I step out of the car.

"That's not fair," Miguel sighs.

"I'm only partly kidding," I smirk.

We walk up to the door and ring the bell. I probably don't look the best after the breakup; I definitely don't feel the best. I know I showered, but I don't have makeup on and I wonder how good I really am at masking my emotions.

It takes a moment for anybody to come to the door, but the door knob turns eventually and I see it open... to Robby.

I feel a pain in my heart as I stare at him. He's here at the LaRusso house. I totally forgot he lived here now. And on top of that, I just broke up with Hawk because of what I did with him.

I don't want to be mad at Robby; I'm pissed at myself. I wish I had never kept in contact with him because then I wouldn't have lost Hawk. I wish I had told Hawk the truth. I wish there was no stupid rivalry happening. They both mean so much to me, but I know Robby doesn't like me after Hawk vandalized their dojo and after he blamed me.

"What are you doing here?" Robby says to a shocked Miguel. This is also a big moment for Miguel, seeing the guy he thought his ex was cheating on him with open the door at her house.

"I'm not here to fight. We just came to give something back," Miguel holds up the Medal of Honor.

Robby looks at it, then to Miguel, and then to me. I see a look of betrayal in his eyes. I know he thinks I did this. I want to tell him I didn't, but what chance do I have when even Hawk didn't believe me? Still, I wonder if Robby will...

"I knew you took it," Robby says. It's then that I realize he directed it towards Miguel and I tense. How dare he blame Miguel for this when he had nothing to do with it.

"No, look, I had nothing to do with that or what happened to your dojo," Miguel defends. Robby looks at him sternly.

"He didn't. And neither did I. I promise," I say and meet Robby's eyes. He looks at me and they soften. He then grabs the medal out of Miguel's hand, not really taking his eyes off of me.

"We are not all assholes," Miguel tells him. I tense, thinking about how Hawk is an asshole that he's referring to. "Just tell Sam I said sorry," Miguel finishes when Robby doesn't say anything.

He backs up and goes to close the door on us, so Miguel turns away. I wonder if he still thinks I'm responsible for this.

"Zion," Robby calls to me before I walk away. I ignore the fact that he used my full first name, looking to him for what he's going to say next. "You didn't respond to my text, but I need you to know I am really sorry about what I said. I was a jerk and I was angry. I need to work on that."

I stare in surprise a moment, not knowing how to respond. Then it hits me that the text I didn't respond to was the one Hawk saw, hence me not getting a notification that he reached out to me. I feel a pain in my heart at the realization. Robby actually believes us and forgives me.

"It's fine," is all I can say before I turn away and meet Miguel on the driveway. I can feel how awkward Miguel is right now. The whole conversation was just that. Awkward.

I don't even know how to look at Robby the same. There's this big hole in my heart where Hawk was. As glad as I am that Robby and I are probably cool now, I still feel the emptiness gnawing away at me. Seeing Robby just makes me more mad because there's nothing between us, yet Hawk still has the nerve to accuse me of cheating. I get into the car and try to hold in my tears again.

"Are you all right? I didn't know he would answer the door. It must have been very hard for you," Miguel sympathizes. I nod, not even wanting to talk about it. I turn up the radio again and pull out, driving back towards Reseda.

⭒⭒⭒

When I make it back to Miguel's after getting all the food, I lay down and collapse on the couch.

"Move your feet," Miguel says as he comes in and tries to sit down.

"Sit on the floor," I tell him.

"No way. Move or be moved," he tells me. I stay where I am and suddenly Miguel sets down his bowl of popcorn and yanks my legs off of the couch. I almost fall off at the momentum and he sits at the opposite side from me with a smile. "I warned you."

"Jerk," I throw a piece of my popcorn at him. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth and I smile a little bit.

"There's a smile."

I think about why he said that. I'm reminded yet again that I was upset a lot earlier because of Hawk. I try to push the thoughts away yet again, hoping I can forget about all of this.

But, silence comes over us as Miguel sets up Friends and I find myself slowly getting lost in my thoughts. I try so hard to push them away and succeed as the theme song for Friends begins. Miguel and I clap to it together and then we look at each other and laugh a little.

Miguel and I are jumping around episodes, not wanting to watch all ten seasons right now. We are currently on the episode where Ross and Rachel "take a break." I stare at the screen, trying not to relate their arguments with the one I had today.

Seeing all of this relationship drama go down makes me really upset and I find myself crying yet again. I try to keep silent as the panic rushes back to me.

I lied to Hawk and look where that got me. Ross and Rachel are fighting just like we had, except they actually have a chance of getting back together.

I try to hold in my tears, but end up crying. I cry quietly, but Miguel looks over at me and I think he can see my tears shining in the light from the TV.

He pauses it and turns to me, "Z, Are you okay?"

"I-I'm sorry. I thought I could handle watching these, but... anything remotely reminding me of a relationship or love or Hawk... it's been tearing me apart for hours now," I admit.

"Miggie, how are things?" Carmen walks into check on us with a bright smile until she sees my face. I must look awful. "What happened, Zion?"

She has a genuine, motherly warmth that I never really even experienced. To be honest, it scares me a little bit. I'm not used to this and when she comes to sit beside me in the chair, I find myself closing off, as usual. I was comfortable crying around Miguel, but I don't want to cry around Carmen.

I never wanted to cry around my mom. If I did, I always hated myself for it and I would try to bottle it up as much as I could. She would always berate me for crying and say, "You don't know what real pain feels like." So, when Carmen is close to me, I can't help but think that my mom is actually here and I try to turn away, ignoring her.

A hand lightly rests on my back and rubs. I jump away in a panic, curling more into myself more towards the middle of the couch now. It's then that I realize Carmen was just trying to soothe me and help somehow, but I don't know that she can.

I don't know that I can be helped. The pain I'm feeling is too much and I refuse to be helped or even face the reality of the situation. Tears stream down my face as Miguel and Carmen say things, but I block them out as breathing becomes harder and harder.

One day Miguel will leave me, too. I can't get too comfortable here because nothing ever lasts.

I hate change. I hate it with all my heart. I hated when my dad died, I hated Robby leaving, I hated when I had to move, I hated abandoning my friends, I hated moving from a big house to a tiny apartment, I hated starting a new school, I hated leaving my mom, and I've even hated every time Sensei Lawrence changed what he taught us. I wish things would just stay the same; it would be easier and much less confusing.

I use my right hand to toy with my snake ring anxiously. I rock back and forth on the couch, trying to calm myself down as I block out the world.

After what I assume has been a few minutes, I realize another blanket and pillow have joined me on the couch. My panic subsides with time and I slowly drift back into reality, embarrassed. I see some water next to me as I sit up properly and try to catch my breath and wipe my tears.

"Zion, it's just you and me. Miguel left to give us some space for girl time. He told me about your breakup. I know you've had trouble with your mom, but I am not her. I'm here to help you and you can talk about if you want," Carmen says softly. I look over at her and see her kind eyes welcoming me. "Do you want to talk about it? I have tissues and there's ice cream in the freezer," she says.

I don't respond, wondering if I really want to talk this out. I don't know how to react, actually. I've never experienced motherly love, except for when I would go over to Jess' and her moms would hang out with us before I moved. I only know what a mother is supposed to be based on books and movies.

I always felt like Mrs. Moskowitz didn't care for me; that was confirmed when she kicked me out with no hesitation. My dad was great at being both parents while Janice was MIA, but he was still amab. And it wasn't his fault he didn't have that motherly way about him. That's just how he was raised... but now even he's gone and I'm here. Alone.

Except for Carmen, who is currently offering me motherly affection I wasn't even aware I needed. I feel myself wanting to give into my emotions, but it's all so new that it scares me and I fail to respond one way or the other.

"Or we could just eat the ice cream now and talk about something else. Sometimes feelings can be a little bit hard to express. I've had my fair share of bad guys and awful relationships. I can tell you about some of my funny failures, if that would make you feel better," she offers.

I hesitate, scared of what to say and how to react. I like Carmen, but I barely know her. I should probably acceptor offer, given that she's housing me, but I don't know if I'm up for story time. I feel the need to be alone with my thoughts.

"N-No thank you," I say after a minute. Her face falls at my response and I feel badly, but not enough to change my mind.

"Are you sure?" she asks, trying to mask how sad I made her. I'm an awful person.

"Yes, I just want to be alone. I'm sorry," I say, looking at my hands as they play with the snake ring.

"Okay. I'm here if you change your mind," Carmen sighs after a moment. I don't look up and instead wait for her to leave before I sink back into the couch and let the emotions flow through my body like a flood.

I think about the day, hating everything that happened. I'm sad, angry, confused, pissed, tired, and a mix of about one thousand other emotions. It isn't like Hawk to just walk away from a conversation and not listen to me. He believed me about everything else before, but for some reason this time was different.

Maybe it's because I've been too blind to realize he's changed. Eli is Hawk now. The Eli who would listen to me, who held me when I cried, who was there when my mom kicked me out, who assured me he'd always be there... is gone.

And, it seems he let go of his past self after I withheld the truth from him. I was dishonest and I paid the price. I let him down. It isn't Robby or Hawk or anybody else's fault. It's mine. This is all my fault.

⭒⭒⭒

A/N: I wish I could say this was a happier chapter, but thanks for reading anyway haha.