MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD: AKA, ANOTHER MANDATORY WARNING THAT IF YOURE A READER, AND YOU COMPLAIN THAT I SPOILED THE STORY FOR YOU, I'LL SEND MY HOUNDS TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT. (that's a joke. I know it's not funny.)

By 

HOOK:

As per every review, I will be taking to look at the summary. Ideally, it should get its job done in as few words as it possibly can. There is no room for clutter here.

And... you know what, this is actually alright. I'd read this book if I found it on the shelf at my library. Something I like: I can read this at a glance. That's a good sign. Given the author has very little time to engage the reader's interest, this author makes use of what she has and uses it to (almost) to her full advantage. Although, there are a few suggestions that I feel would make this summary go from 'cool' to 'wow'.

First off. A tense switch from past to present. Most summaries are, by a rule (though this need not be concrete) written in present tense. Present tense is immediate, and if used well, can cause the reader to feel very immersed in the story. (As if they were there, if that makes sense.)

And additionally, perhaps a few more details without going too far over the limit. This summary weighs in at a very paltry 76 words. (At least the middle paragraph, as that's what counts. The first and last paragraph appear meant to serve as a beginning and end hook.) So what we have (and don't have) so far:

A character(s): Check (Princess and assassin)

A goal: Check (Find sister)

Motivation: Unclear (Why does she want to find her sister?)

Conflict: Nonexistent (What gets in her way?)

Stakes: Nonexistent (What happens if she fails?)

While I definitely feel we need not necessarily know the motivation, it would definitely help add a sense of immediacy if we perhaps knew what was going to get in the character's way, as well as what will happen if she fails in her endeavor.

And of course, there is also no set formula to writing a blurb either. What I outlined above can be thought of as tools. Since there are still some more tools to use, and the author can almost definitely squeeze them in, it's safe to say that with a little more meat on this summary's bones, it will shine all the more.

As for the first and last paragraph—they're formulas, and can work—but the author should keep them only if they work with her summary's revision. (Which the author would have needed to do regardless of whether I came along to tear it apart or not.)

At any rate, all in all: damn good job on the summary as it is.

Moving onto more meaningful first impressions, I take a look at the first chapter.

And—the author starts with dialogue. Not in anyway a shabby method of starting if done right. Here, the author makes clear the setting and what the characters are doing before we get into the thick of the conversation. Which I appreciate, since starting with dialogue can cause a mess if done incorrectly. We're introduced to Penny and Elaine, and it looks as though the King is requesting her daughter's presence. Another plus—right in the first couple paragraph, I am asking questions. "Why the summons?"

While I'd like to rain fire and brimstone on this section of the review, there is just something about 'royal' stories that spark my interest automatically. So again, this could be a subjective thing—but I'm finding more positives here than negatives.

Of course, I do have the rest of this review to write—So I read on to see whether the author can keep my interest gauged. First hook get's a pass. Let's see if the bait stays on now.

And—so far so good's the going. We're taken on a tour of the palace—which is relevant—as we are escorted to His Majesty's chambers. The author takes time to describe the environment, and while I did wish that this would have been a tad bit more detailed, it definitely suffices to keep me going.

Reading on, we get a conversation between Elaine and her father, which suffice to say, definitely did not go as expected. Her father, Arthur, is repulsed by her. So this is definitely a twist already, within the first pages of the novel.

So given this section is beginning to get overly long and trite, I'll close by saying that—the hooks work, and while they can use a bit work (as can everything) serve their purpose. Here's a stamp of approval. *PASS* And a sticker to go with it.

Well done!

GENERAL GRAMMAR

Here is the section where things, for the author, begin to get more dicey.

The grammar can definitely use some work. Some things I've noticed:

(Some) Tense switches

Awkward sentences.

Incorrect punctuation.

Most of this is simple stuff that can easily be corrected, however, and seems to come from a lack of understanding. So, to make a rundown of these things, let's go on a tour of what the author did wrong, why it's wrong, and what she can do to correct it.

We'll start with the tenses. We'll compare the following:

This is past tense: "Elaine's heart pounded."

And this is present tense: "The King? Her father? Wants to see her?"

These types of errors appear uncommon for the author, given the majority of this is written in past, but it's always good to outline what we can do to correct something. To correct this disparity, we can simply change the word 'wants' in the present tense passage to 'wanted'. Easy fix, and this was probably more of a 'in the moment' type of error than one from a lack of understanding.

Speaking of 'in the moment' errors—things we do when we're too far into our writing zone to notice them—some of the prose can be touched up as well, as there is some redundancy, or just plain awkward sentences scattered about.

So, to take a couple of these and touch them up—here's one for now.

"Her father was very fond of gold and riches, and by the looks of it spent a great deal of money decorating the palace with gold."

Given we're told that Elaine's father is told he is fond of gold, it's safe to say he decorates his palace with it. We can safely omit 'with gold' and leave the passage as is, letting it stand on its own. This is especially the case given we get some imagery not so far ahead with "... a pair of golden tusts with thorns entwined..." to confirm this.

As far as awkward phrasing goes, this passage threw me for a loop, athough I do understand what the author is trying to say:

"Elaine, although had seen the paintings so many times before, was still so mesmerised by the amazing paintings and how the arists take so much attention to small details."

It's a bit of a mouthful, and awkward. But it's easily fixable. The author omits a word at the beginning. A 'she' after 'although'.

Additionally, saying 'amazing paintings' is a bit redundant, given by Elaine's fascination with them.

So, to revise this, I propose this revision:

"Elaine, although she had seen the paintings so many times before, was still mesmerised by how the artists took so much attention to small details."

Additionally, we make a tense correction to the word 'take' and omit the adverb 'so'. We also omit 'by them', since it's a redundant detail. (The artists taking attention to detail and the paintings themselves, more or less comprise the same central idea—good paintings.)

Moving out of 'awkward' phrase territory, we move into dialogue punctuation territory. This is a much shorter area.

For reference, tags that have 'said' (or variants of it) should usually have a comma after the dialogue line and not a period. (Although, of course, ! And ? can still be used.)

So, taking a piece of dialogue from the author's story:

"No, not at all, your Majesty." "replied General Chadwick, inclining his head towards the king.

It's a simple correction. The period after 'majesty' should be turned to a comma... and thats it.

Do note, that if he were to have a more exclamatory tone and we used ! Instead, the tag 'replied' would still be lower case. (Same rule with ?)

Another correction

"Yes father." Elaine muttered.

Comma after 'father'.

And... that's really it for this section. Grammar needs work, but doesn't it always?

CHARACTERS:

Moving out of grammar territory, we make our way into the meat of the critique. The characters. So, to get an accurate representation of who they all are, I read past chapter one and got into the thick of the story.

So, by chapter three, my impressions are pretty solid. Elaine, as a character, is definitely relatable. If one's ever had an overly protective parent to the point where they did not let their son or daughter out of the house will definitely sympathize. Simply put, she is trapped, by her father, to the point that so much as the wrong person laying an eye on her can elicit a harsh punishment to whoever witnessed her.

Penny, a secondary character, who is one of Elaine's guards, is also definitely fun to read about. She has all sorts of quirks and oddities that make her seem eccentric in a totally natural way. She goes from being more or less a fly on the wall, to actually caring about Elaine, even breaking down at several points. Well done there. (Bess, on the other hand, another of Elaine's guards, was a lot less characteristic than Penny was.)

As for Elaine's father—I may have only one criticism regarding the way he is written. He is easily angered, even at the smallest slight. But in chapter 3, he does seem to change character. (He's actually nice to Elaine... which, before that point, he wasn't at all.) Although Elaine does do something to anger him, I would suggest having him apologize perhaps for the encounter. And when he does get all angry again, have more of a transition. Perhaps he might say, "What was that?" with a twitch in his face perhaps. Just suggestions to help solidify him as a character, that, behind a nice veil, is actually just a raging hurricane.

PLOT:

Now, we move onto the plot.

One thing I did not understand for a time was that Elaine was, indeed, hiding her face from pretty much almost everyone that isn't close with her. It took a small bit of time to realize this, and flipping back, I do indeed see that the context clues are there. I would, perhaps, be a bit more forthcoming (earlier) that no one besides those who are trusted may see her face. It would clear up any plot confusion early on. (Do let me know, however, if I am wrong here. I always could have missed something.)

Asides from general confusion, however, the plot is certainly predictable. However, this need not always be a dire criticism. Lots of predictable stories end up being very dandy, and, MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. It was easy guessing that it was Margaret, Elaine's sister, who Arthur was seeking.

But any rate at all, the plot certainly takes off on chapter 5, where we learn some things that I did 'not' expect. (So, there is a twist on what was expected—I won't spoil it here, so no worries.)

Only thing I'm really sad about is that I haven't yet met this assassin fellow from the summary. Bah, it's whatever. I'm without a doubt going to continue reading this.

OVERALL:

So, overall. (I really want to focus on making these wrapup sections shorter, so here's my attempt at that.)

Damn good story, and something I didn't mention: the writing improves dramatically as it progresses, as though the author is growing into her own voice. The characters are fun to read about, charming. The plot slightly predictable—but with twists the reader may not expect. (Chapter five had me nodding in approval.)

Would I continue? Definitely. Does it need editing? Hate to say it, but severely. (Although, again, by chapter five, the writing imrpoves—the mistakes becoming less and less frequent.)

But all in all...

Damn good job!