Winner of ❝New Year's Resolution❞ contest

by AudieLewis

     we make midnight a maquette of the year:

frostlight glinting off snow to solemnize

     the vows we offer to ourselves in near

silence: the competition shimmerwise

     of champagne and chandeliers to attract

laughter and cheers: the glow from the fireplace

     reflecting the burning intra-red pact

between beloveds: we cosset the space

     of a fey hour, anxious gods molding our

hoped-for adams with this temporal clay:

     each of us edacious for shining or

rash enough to think sacrifice will stay

     this fugacious time: while stillness suspends

vitality in balance, as passions

     struggle with passions for sway, the mind wends

towards what's to come: a callithump of fashions,

     ersatz smiles, crowded days: a bloodless cut

that severs soul from bone: a long aching

     quiet in which we will hear nothing but

the clean crack of our promises breaking.

_____________________

As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew it would be difficult to keep my New Year's resolutions. Well, is it still your New Year's resolution if someone else demanded you make it? The only thing Lacey had insisted on last night at 11:30 was that I repeated after her. "No more Brian Reedsy. Say it, Beth. No more Brian Reedsy."

"I don't need to say it," I protested. "We've been broken up for months. Obviously, I'm done with him."

Lacey somehow managed to raise her eyebrows almost to her hairline. "Is it obvious, though? You've been broken up for three months and have hooked up seven times. Seven, Beth."

"I think you're miscounting." We had momentarily escaped the craziness of the party and were hiding out in the bathroom. I leaned towards the mirror and reapplied my lip gloss.

"I am not. I remember each time. Vividly. I just want to know that tonight is not going to be number eight."

I moved on to my eyeliner, drawing a darker cat eye. "It's not like he's such a bad guy. It's not the worst thing in the world to do."

Lacey ran her hands through her curls; she had always had the best hair. "He isn't so bad; he's just not good enough for you!"

I fluffed my own hair dispiritedly; it was never going to look as good as hers. "But sometimes just being with anyone is better than being alone."

Lacey grabbed both of my shoulders and spun me around. "You, my dear, are too amazing to settle. You are the most beautiful, funniest, best person I know. You have kicked school's ass and are headed to Dartmouth. You deserve better than the Brians of the world. Hold out for someone amazing."

"I've been through all four years of high school. I'm beginning to think there isn't anyone amazing out there. All the guys are just...meh. And that's the best-case scenario."

A look of frustration flashed across Lacey's face but she quickly replaced it with a grin. "You just haven't met the right person yet. But they are out there, I promise."

I ran my eyes over myself in the mirror one more time and decided this was as good as it was going to get. "If you say so. Come on, it's almost midnight, let's get back out there and find someone to kiss."

Lacey paused for a minute and started to open her mouth, then seemed to change her mind. "All right, let's go. And remember your resolution!"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed her hand, pulling her down the stairs with me and onto the dance floor.

As the time grew closer to midnight, the energy level in the room started to rise. Everyone was scouting for someone to kiss when the clock struck twelve. I spun Lacey around as we danced in the middle of the floor. From the corner of my eye, I spotted the man of the hour – Brian Reedsy. We had barely spoken all night but I could see him dancing closer to where I was.

I had meant what I had said to Lacey. There wasn't anything aggressively wrong with Brian. We had started dating over the summer when we both worked as life guards at the local pool. He was fun. We mainly hung out with big groups of people or played video games in his basement. It had been nice to have someone to go to parties with since there had been so many, all of our classmates being thrilled about being seniors. When we had finally broken up, he had seemed surprised more than hurt. When he asked what he had done wrong, I hadn't had an answer. I just had a feeling that there must be something more out there.

Still, I had been having trouble making the breakup stick. Brian and I still went to the same parties, and with everything getting ready to change it was nice to be with someone familiar. But I knew that for whatever reason, Lacey didn't approve and had been getting progressively angrier every time Brian and I ended up hooking up post-breakup. She should feel at least partly responsible. I spent most of my time with her and we were so close I didn't really need a guy for much except occasionally making out with.

It was almost midnight when Lacey told me she was going to go and get us something to toast with. The second she left Brian sidled up to me. "Beth!" he shouted over the music as he somewhat tipsily gave me a hug. "You're looking great. Are you having fun?"

"Yeah, it's been fun so far. I can't believe this is our last high school New Year's," I answered, scanning the crowd somewhat guiltily for Lacey. A fission of excitement went through the crowd and I realized people were starting the countdown.

Brian raised his eyebrows at me with a smile. "What do you think? For old time's sake?" I let him pull me into him and when the clock struck midnight, he murmured, "Happy New Year" and leaned in for a kiss. Kissing Brian was familiar and generally pleasant. It didn't thrill me; it never had, but it was fun. When we broke apart, I saw Lacey standing over his shoulder, holding two glasses of champagne. She pressed her lips together and shook her head before turning around and stalking out of the room.

"Lace..." I started to go after her, but Brian held onto my hand.

"Let her go," he said. "It's New Year's Eve, let's have some fun." I wanted to talk to Lacey but I knew she was furious and I just didn't want to spend the rest of the party fighting. Besides, why did she even care, anyway? It was my business whom I kissed at midnight.

Brian and I danced and drank and the next thing I knew I was waking up cuddled up with him on a couch and feeling guilty that I hadn't even made it one night with my resolution. Even if it had really been Lacey's resolution to begin with.

I got up and found my coat and my purse from where I had stashed them at the beginning of the night. I tried calling Lacey but it went straight to voicemail. I opened the 'find my friends' app and saw her exactly where I thought she would be, at the park where we had first met in elementary school and had spent thousands of hours at since then.

I swung by our favorite coffee shop and got two drinks covered in chocolate drizzle and whipped cream. I was hoping she would be more likely to forgive me if she had a sugar buzz going.

When I arrived at the park, she was sitting on the top of the climbing structure swinging her legs and looking off into the distance. I took a deep breath and approached her carefully, her coffee drink held in front of me.

She looked up as I climbed onto the platform and I could see that she had been crying. "Hey," I said softly, offering her the drink, "I got this for you."

She sniffed and grabbed the drink, rubbing her face against her shoulder to try and hide her tears. "Thanks," she said in a carefully nonchalant voice. "How was the rest of the party? Sorry I bailed, I wasn't feeling great and just wanted my own bed."

"Lace...what's up? Why are you so mad at me? I know you're not a Brian fan but it was just a New Year's kiss. It's not that big a deal."

There was a long pause and the Lacey sighed and answered, "But it is a big deal to me."

"But why do you – "

"I'm tired of watching you settle for someone you barely even like. I'm tired of you not even seeing me when I'm right here."

"What do you mean?" I reached out and grabbed her hand. "Of course I see you. You're my favorite person in the whole world."

"No," Lacey insisted. "You don't see me. You don't see anything!" And with a frustrated exhale she grabbed my hand as she leaned forward and kissed me.

And then...was this what a kiss was supposed to feel like? I had kissed my share of boys and it had always been...okay. I had described it to Lacey as sort of like bowling – a nice way to pass some time doing something with your body. But this kiss was different. I felt warmth travel over my whole body, even my fingertips were tingling. I reached up and cupped Lacey's face, wanting to have her closer to me.

Suddenly she pulled back. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It's nothing. I just...I'm totally happy with us just being friends. Just forget it happened."

I smiled and curled her hair around my fingers. "I don't think I'm going to be able to do that," I said, before pulling her in for another kiss.

Maybe keeping my New Year's resolutions wouldn't be so hard after all.