CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
scars and souvenirs.
season three, episode eighteen.

note: this chapter will switch between
scenes of cassie's therapy sessions and
current time. to avoid confusion, just
know that the therapy scenes happened
before the others!

"HI THERE," CASSIE HEARD AN UNFAMILIAR VOICE SAY AS THE DOCTOR ENTERED THE ROOM. A shorter woman, no older than thirty five and wearing beige linen overalls, sat across from the couch Cassie was seated on. "I'm Dr. Rainierson, but you can just call me Rain. It's a pleasure to meet you, Cassandra."

Smiling politely, the brunette shook her head. "Just Cassie is fine. And it's nice to meet you as well."

"Noted. How are you feeling today?"

"Really good, actually. It's been two weeks since my surgery, and Dr. Burke said I'm recovering much more quickly than he'd expected. I have no shortness of breath, which is a big improvement from last week, so that's awesome. Yeah, I'm good."

"I'm glad to hear that," the therapist said honestly. "Though, that's not exactly what I meant. But you know that."

Cassie breathed out a laugh, her gaze trained to the carpet. "I'm fine. Really. Just a little tired."

Rain gave her a look which showed she was well aware of the lie, before smiling softly at her patient.

"Alright then, Cassie. Let's get started."

☆

Cassie woke up, threw her hair into a sad excuse for a bun, and made her way out of her room. When she walked by George's room, she felt a sting of hurt. George had moved out after he and Izzie got into a heated fight over Callie, and now the house felt empty.

When she went to stand in the doorway and sulk like she had for the last few days, she realized that the room was full of boxes... and Alex.

"Oh, hey Cassie," Alex said absentmindedly when he saw her, ignoring her confused expression.

Cassie looked around. "Are you moving into George's room?"

"Yeah."

Cassie turned on her heel and opened the door to Meredith's room. They had a silent agreement that Cassie and Cristina didn't have to knock. When she entered, Derek and Meredith were fast asleep, next to each other in the middle of the bed.

With a sigh, Cassie dragged herself over to the bed and squeezed herself in between the two.

"Hi," Meredith smiled, turning to face Cassie.

"What are you— I was asleep," Derek said confusedly, when he woke up and saw Cassie in between him and his girlfriend.

"Alex is moving in?" Cassie asked Meredith, ignoring Derek.

The blonde went to respond, when she was interrupted by the door opening. "Alex is moving into this house?" Izzie asked loudly, fresh out of the shower.

"He's taking George's room," Meredith said.

"Oh," Cassie shrugged. "Okay."

"Why?!" Izzie groaned.

"I was asleep just a minute ago," Derek huffed.

"Yeah, and I was naked in the bathroom when Alex walked in. I'm lucky I didn't come out of the shower to find him peeing all over the seat."

Derek sighed to himself. "And we're up."

"What's wrong with where he was living before?" Izzie continued to question.

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know where he was living before."

Izzie scoffed. "Probably a whore house. I can't have him living in the room next door, it's weird."

"People are what matters," Meredith smiled.

"People are what matters? You don't like people."

"I had a near death whatever. I was dead, and now I'm not, so I'd like to use this chance I've been given to be more positive. People are what matters. Paint with all the colors of the wind," Meredith grinned.

"I agree. Alex is one of our people, we can't leave him out in the cold," Cassie added. "Also, you look really pretty today, Izzie."

Izzie froze, Meredith frowned, and Derek slowly walked backwards into the room.

Looking behind her as if there were a secret camera crew waiting to catch the moment, Izzie's face morphed into one of confusion. "Are you... being nice to me?"

"Are you being nice to her?" Derek and Meredith questioned in unison.

Cassie smiled. "Yep."

"But, why?"

"Why not?"

Meredith gave her a look. "Because it's weird. You're not nice to Izzie, we all know this."

Her smile turning into a frown, Cassie grumbled as she pulled up the covers to her chin. "Fine, I won't do it again."

"No!" Izzie exclaimed, having been waiting for this for months. "No, uh, it's okay. You can keep doing it. If you want. I was just, uh, caught off guard."

Rolling her eyes, Cassie gave the blonde a once over. "My shrink says I need to let go of the massive amount of hatred I have for you. So I'm trying. To let go. But to be completely honest, seeing your face first thing in the morning is making that kind of hard."

Slowly taking it all in, Izzie asked, "Okay, so like, should I go, or—"

"Oh, god yes."

Derek raised a brow at her. "Letting go?"

"Oh, right," Cassie shook her head. "I mean, yes please. Have a good day, or whatever." She turned to Meredith, who was smiling down at her in amusement. "Was that good?"

☆

"Yeah, that is so not going to happen."

Rain sighed heavily, glancing up from her clipboard to meet Cassie's determined gaze. "Listen, Cassie, just hear me out—"

"There isn't a chance in hell I'm going to even think about being nice to that psycho killer," Cassie scoffed. "Why should I? So she can stop feeling guilty?"

"Well," the therapist shrugged, stuttering slightly on her words. "Yes, actually."

"Yeah, definitely not."

"Just listen to me," Rain ordered. "You said it yourself only a few days ago, remember? When you died, you realized that the hatred and anger you held towards Dr. Stevens was doing nothing but harm, to both her and yourself. So what changed?"

Cassie gave her a tight lipped smile. "I woke up."

Rain rolled her eyes, which made Cassie feel slightly offended.

"You need to let that go, and you need to let Denny go, and you need to start worrying about yourself. Or else you'll never heal."

Eerily reminded of her mother in that moment, Cassie looked to the ground, playing with a loose thread on her sweater. "Yeah."

"Yeah," Rain repeated sympathetically, writing a note down in her clipboard.

☆

Meredith and Cassie entered the locker room, earning stares from both their friends as well as people they'd never met. Meredith, because she drowned, died, came back to life, and her mother died. Cassie, because she also died and came back to life, but also because the whole hospital was now aware of her personal mental health issues.

Sharing a look, the pair simultaneously rolled their eyes as they began to change clothes.

"Okay, everybody, lets do this once," Meredith spoke. "I'm fine. She's cremated, I picked out a beautiful urn, and she's hanging out in the back of my closet. Any more questions about my dead mother or can we get back to work?"

They all nodded, looking at Cassie expectantly, who shrunk under their intense gaze.

"Um," she shrugged. "I'm fine, too. Just don't like, shove a donut in my face or something and we're good."

Noticing how Cassie was receiving pitying looks, Cristina opted to change the subject entirely.

"Does anyone know who the new chief candidate is?" Cristina wondered aloud.

"Chief's bringing in a ringer, just in case he doesn't want to give the job to one of your boyfriends," George joked.

"Mark's not my boyfriend," Cassie said hastily, throwing her stethoscope over her lab coat.

Cristina smirked up at her from her place on the bench. "No one said he was."

"Good," she laughed awkwardly, making the other's frown in confusion at her unusually flustered state. "Because he's not."

Bailey entered the locker room, saving the intern from further questioning. "O'Malley, you're with Shepherd today. Yang, Dr. Montgomery. Stevens, to the clinic. Karev, Jane Doe. Grey, Harper, scut."

Meredith sighed. "Once again, I am fine."

"You can tell everybody your fine until you're blue in the face. Your mom died, and you almost joined her. You're taking it easy."

"Why me?" Cassie frowned. "My mom didn't die. Well, she did, but not recently. And I was cleared for surgery when I was discharged. I'm totally fine."

When Bailey turned to look at her, pictures of Cassie's dead body in the trauma room flashed through her mind.

"I don't need to explain myself," she said, not making eye contact. "Scut."

☆

"Sorry, who's Mark again?" Rain wondered, flipping back and forth between her pages of notes.

Cassie subconsciously smiled at the name. "Oh, Mark is—"

"Oh, wait, I found it," she interrupted, pointing down to a line written a week or so prior. "He's the boyfriend, right?"

Letting out an unattractive snort, Cassie vehemently shook her head. "Oh, god no," she laughed. "No, Mark is my best friend."

Rain tilted her head. "No, it says right here. Mark Sloan, plastic surgery attending. Smiles and blushes when she talks about him, clearly cares for him a lot, probably sleeping together and/or in a relationship."

"I—" Cassie paused, leaning forward and trying to get a glimpse of her clipboard. "Are all of your notes like that?"

Pulling the clipboard backwards, Rain gave Cassie a look, which made her huff and fall defeatedly back into her seat.

"I thought Meredith, Cristina, and George were your best friends?"

"No, Meredith and Cristina are my persons," Cassie corrected as if it were obvious. "It's different. George— well, yeah, he's my best friend too, but he's more like family than anything else. Mark is my best friend."

Rain gave her a blank look.

"That's very complicated."

"Really? Seems pretty simple to me."

☆

"Cass!" Mark shouted from down the hall, following after the intern as she slyly attempted to speed up. "Cass, wait up!"

Cassie inwardly cringed, turning around slowly. "Oh, hi Mark."

"Hey," he smiled once he caught up to her, slightly out of breath. "How are you? I haven't talked to you in a while, after, you know."

"Yeah, I know," she smiled sheepishly. "I, uh, I'm good. Ready to work."

Mark perked up. "Well, I could use another intern on my Jane Doe case, if you're interested."

"Oh!" Cassie raised her brows. "I would love to, but—" she paused, not having a good enough reason to say no.

"But..."

"I'm on Derek's service today," she blurted. "Sorry."

"Oh, no, that's fine," he shrugged, masking his disappointment. "Another time."

Cassie nodded as a goodbye, spinning on her heel to go convince Derek to let her on his case.

Addison, who watched the whole interaction, raised a suspicious brow at Mark's upset expression when Cassie walked away.

☆

"Are you sure?"

Cassie gave her therapist a deadpan look, her arms crossed over her chest and her fuzzy socks tucked under her knees.

"Am I sure that Mark is not my boyfriend?"

Rain nodded. "Yes."

"I think I would know if I were dating my best friend, Rain. Which, I would like to strongly emphasize, that I am not."

"But you want to," Rain stated as if it were a commonly known fact.

"What?" Cassie laughed, starting to think her therapist had the wrong patient. "No, I don't. Why would you even think that?"

"Well, you're sleeping with him, right?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business, but yeah, we hook up sometimes. That doesn't mean there's any feelings involved. In my mind, sex and love are two very different things."

"But, you do love him, don't you?" Rain raised a brow in challenge, trying to get her patient to see what she so clearly did. "You say he's only a friend, but you sleep with him. You say you love him, but not like that, which sounds to me like a lie you tell yourself to protect your feelings."

Cassie scoffed, moving to stand up. "You know, I'm just going to leave. I mean, this isn't even why I'm here, so I don't get why—"

"You need to heal, Cassie."

"Yeah, which is why I'm being forced to see a mandatory shrink before I can go back to work," she agreed. "A shrink, who sucks at her job and is weirdly obsessed with my nonexistent love life!"

"You need to heal," Rain repeated patiently. "Which you can't do, when you're not being honest with yourself."

There was a long pause.

"I don't have feelings for Mark," Cassie said, with a hint of doubt in the back of her mind which she refused to acknowledge. "And this session is over."

☆

"Derek!"

The attending turned around at the urgent voice. "Cass," Derek frowned, "What's up?"

"Okay," she sighed. "Remember when I was in first grade, and you threw that huge high school party in the basement?"

"Um—"

"And one of your friends broke your mom's favorite vase, and you were super freaked out that she was going to kill you, so I told her it was me who broke it?"

"Why are you—"

"That day, I told you, you owe me. And I realized, I never cashed that in." Cassie gave him a dazzling grin. "You owe me still."

Derek looked at her confused. "What do you want, exactly?"

"I want to be on your service today."

"You—" he stuttered, "you realize I would've said yes if you just asked, right?"

"Well, here's the thing," she paused. "Bailey put me on scut, and she's very intent on me staying on scut."

Derek's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Bailey is scary. Absolutely not."

"You owe me!"

"Sorry, but no."

Cassie glared at him. "Fine. Then I'm calling mom right now to set the record straight."

She quickly turned the opposite direction, leaving him standing alone in the middle of the hallway.

"Oh, crap," Derek grumbled to himself, watching Cassie dial on her phone as she walked away. "She's actually doing it."

☆

Cassie peeked over George's shoulder to get a view of the person in the conference room with the Chief. "You know, this is the one situation where being tall doesn't help," she sighed.

"Have you guys seen Bailey?" Izzie asked, coming up to the group. "What are we doing?"

"Uh, checking out the new chief candidate," George said.

Meredith nodded. "Chiefs in with the ringer. We're lurking, in a way that was subtle when there were three of us, but isn't now that there's twelve."

"I heard it was someone from Stanford," Cassie added. "Cristina, didn't you go there?"

Cristina smirked. "All the professors loved me."

"They loved you?" Alex raised a brow.

"I was a great student," she shrugged innocently.

Burke walked up to the group, focusing on Meredith and Cassie. "How are you two doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine sir," they said in unison, both smiling tightly. "Thank you."

"They don't like when you ask," George whispered to him, making him hum in acknowledgement.

Cristina pointed to the conference room. "The ringer is in there with the chief."

"Yeah," Cassie smiled teasingly. "And whoever it is loves Cristina cause everyone at Stanford just loved Cristina."

The girl in question shoved her. "Shut up."

Cassie playfully shoved her back. "Make me."

Burke shrugged, interrupting the duo. "She's a good student, nothing to be ashamed of."

"Thank you—"

"Bit of a kiss ass, but that's hard to control," Burke continued, causing Cassie to snort.

"Okay, they're coming out, look away!"

"That's Colin Marlow," Burke stated surprised.

"Holy shit," Cassie grinned, shaking George's shoulders. "He's like, a cardio god! A god, George!"

"I know, Cassie!" George smiled. "A god!"

Cassie smiled at Cristina excitedly, missing the fact that she looked as though she was going to throw up.

"Like the Marlow transplant?" Alex asked.

"Like the greatest thing in cardiothoracic surgery," Cassie corrected him.

"Um, Dr. Marlow," Burke went up to him. "I'm Preston Burke. I'm a great admirer of your work, sir. Particularly the—"

"Yes, thank you. Would you excuse me for a second," Colin brushed him off. Cassie raised a brow at his rudeness, while he ignored everyone and walked right up to Cristina. "Well, you gonna give me a hug or what?"

Meredith frowned at Cassie, receiving a shrug in response. He went up to Cristina, hugged her, and squeezed her butt, resulting in wide eyed stares from all of the interns, while George let out an awkward laugh.

☆

"What are you doing tonight?" Izzie asked Meredith and Cassie as they walked down the hallway together. "Because I don't wanna go home and find Alex there, and it's just the two of us, and it's weird and awkward and he doesn't know if he should talk to me or not to talk to me. It's just such a weird situation. I'd rather it be group awkwardness, you know—"

Izzie cut herself off when she looked around and the other two were nowhere to be seen.

While she was ranting, Meredith, who saw Thatcher and Susan Grey at the end of the hall, grabbed Cassie's arm and ducked into a closet. Soon, Cristina entered the closet to get away from Colin Marlow, who kept trying to speak to her.

"This is my hiding spot!" Meredith whisper-shouted at Cristina. "My father is out there, go somewhere else!"

"I need this closet, Meredith," Cristina disagreed.

"Colin Marlow?" Cassie raised a brow.

"Yes, he was my professor. We were... close."

Meredith and Cassie shared a look.

"He had his hand on your ass," Cassie crossed her arms. "I sure hope you were close. You need me to beat him up for you?"

"To be determined," Cristina waved her off.

"You were that girl, huh? The girl who slept with the professor," Meredith smirked. "We had one in my class, she only got to the radiologist though. No one got near the cardio guy."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I scored big," Cristina rolled her eyes.

Cassie looked between the two. "You know, there's nothing wrong with being the girl who slept with the professor."

Meredith's eyes widened. "You too?"

"Dr. Ethan Caldwell," she smirked.

"No way, the Ethan Caldwell?" they gasped.

Cassie nodded. "Yep, but he moved to Australia for some relief program or something. Too bad, he was super hot."

"Wow, really— no, back on track," Cristina shook her head to herself. "Meredith, hide in the bathroom."

"My awkwardness with my father is well established. You and the cardio god on the other hand, have loads to catch up on."

"I don't want to talk to the cardio god."

"You know we can hear you in there, right?"
they heard Colin's voice from the other side of the door. "Loud and clear."

☆

Cassie entered Rain's office, clearly pissed off with a heavy frown tugging at her lips. Without a word, she plopped herself down on the couch and put her head in her hands.

"Cassie," Rain said softly, "are you—"

"FUCK!"

Nodding slowly in shock, Rain set her clipboard down, crossing one leg over the other.

"Okay, so clearly, you're working through something."

Cassie groaned obnoxiously, throwing her head back to rest against the couch. Making wild gestures as she spoke, she continued to mumble unintelligible sentences to herself. "Stupid fucking brain, stupid fucking feelings, stupid fucking—"

"Cassie," Rain interrupted. "Talk to me."

"Why did you have to do that?!" she questioned, sitting up to face the therapist.

"Do what, exactly?"

"Put your stupid ideas into my head!" Cassie exclaimed, gesturing to her hair, which looked as though it hadn't been brushed in days.

Rain smiled slightly. "You need to be a bit more specific than that, I'm afraid."

"I do not have feelings for Mark," she said decisively. "I don't do feelings, and I never have. I do sex, and that's it."

"Okay, so—"

"That's the way it's always been. But one stupid little session with my shrink, and suddenly I'm... feeling... feelings!" Cassie pointed at Rain accusingly. "And it's all your fault!"

Rain sighed, picking up her clipboard once again.

"Cassie, are you sure that it was me who made you... feel feelings? Or, did you maybe just need a little push to realize what you've been feeling all along?"

Cassie narrowed her eyes at her, thinking for a long moment, before standing up and making her way out the door.

"I hate you."

Rain smiled as she watched Cassie slam the door on her way out. "I can take it," she whispered to herself, checking off a box in her notes.

☆

Mark grinned, coming up behind an oblivious Cassie. "Want to grab a drink tonight?" he asked. Before she could answer, he added, "And by grab a drink, I mean have sex."

Addison, who was walking by at that exact moment, subtly stared into her chart while listening in.

Cassie laughed nervously. "Yeah, that much was obvious."

He raised a brow at her lack of response. "So, what do you say?"

Yes. God, please, yes, she thought miserably.

"Sorry, I can't. Meredith just told me that her dad is coming over for dinner, and she needs the emotional support."

"Oh, come on. I'm sure she'll be fine," Mark argued.

"Another time," Cassie shook her head, wanting nothing more than to say yes. Thinking for a long moment, she decided to test a theory. "But uh, you see that nurse over there?"

Cassie pointed to a blonde nurse, who waved with a wink when Mark looked her way.

Mark made a face of confusion. "What about her?"

"Her name is Abigail, and she's been staring at you this whole time. Why don't you ask her?"

Please say no, please say no.

Mark's smile faltered. "Oh, um, yeah. Sure."

Cassie's face fell, just as her pager went off.

"Oh, that— that's my patient," she said quickly. "Um, have fun, tonight."

As she was walking away, Mark subconsciously stared after her with a slight frown.

"What are you doing?" Addison suddenly asked, scaring him as she came up from behind him.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Why are you looking at her like that?" she clarified.

"I'm not looking at her like anything."

Addison furrowed her brows. "Mark... do you like Cassie?"

"Of course I like Cassie," he scoffed. "She's my best friend."

"No," she shook her head. "Do you like Cassie?"

"I— no," Mark instantly denied, not letting himself think about it. "No. Why do you even care? We're over. We've been over for months, Addison."

She shrugged. "I care because Cassie is my friend, and I know that look, Mark. You like her, even if you don't realize it." Addison gently pat him on the shoulder, and left him standing there, deep in thought.

"I don't..." Mark said to himself. "No... I don't
like her."

☆

"I just wanted to let you know, that you were wrong," Cassie said assuredly, looking at Rain, who stared back at her with disbelief.

"Is that so?" Rain asked blankly.

Cassie nodded. "Yep. I thought about it more, and I realized that I definitely do not have feelings for Mark."

"Really."

"Yes," she continued, determined. "I am emotionally fragile after a near death— well, I guess an actual death, experience, and I found comfort in my best friend, which I mistook for romantic feelings. Which it's not. Romantic."

Rain raised a single brow, looking from her clipboard, back to Cassie.

"You're right."

"And I—" Cassie's smiled dropped. "Wait, what?"

"You're right," Rain shrugged. "You and Mark would be an awful couple. I mean really, truly, terrible. I'm honestly surprised that you two work as friends."

Cassie sat back in her chair. "Excuse me?"

"Well, come on now," Rain laughed, a secret glint in her eye. "We all know that he's a bit of a man whore. And he clearly doesn't care about anyone else besides himself. And have you seen the surgeries he does? It's all butt lifts and breast implants for sixty year olds, who should probably just age gracefully. Really, he's not all that great of a guy."

"Shut up!" Cassie snapped. "Seriously, shut the hell up!"

Rain shrugged, faux disinterested. "I thought you would agree with me."

"Agree with you?" Cassie scoffed. "Are you kidding? Mark is one of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and you would be lucky to know him too! He's kind, and giving, and talented beyond belief, and his surgeries change people's freaking lives! He's confident in himself, and despite everything, he always manages to bring out the best in me! He's perfect, I mean, I lo—"

Cassie froze, slapping a hand over her mouth.

Rain smirked devilishly, tossing her clipboard in the nearest trash.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"