TW- mentions of sexual abuse

NOVA
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07/06/2002 - 11am
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Backhanding Leo across the face probably wasn't my finest moment. I just couldn't help it. As soon as I heard the word 'Mom' come out of his big obnoxious mouth, I wanted to strangle him.

I've definitely got some unresolved anger issues.

Tensions are high, nobody up to now has said a single word to me apart from Tara. Leo is in a complete strop, giving me the occasional 'I want to kill you' stare. I know North is definitely going to hear about this some way or another, and I'm definitely not looking forward to his reaction.

Relief is an understatement about having Tara in this group. We've gotten along well, we're both similar ages and seem to have mutual opinions on most things.

She glances over at me as the Hercules lifts off into airspace. "So, how come you slapped Leo? I didn't hear the conversation, only the force of you whacking him across the face." She snickers.

"I'm not proud of it, believe me. He was about to make a comment about my Mom and I just lost my shit." I shrug awkwardly, looking down and fiddling with the bandage wrapped around my thigh.

"Your Mom?" Tara looks at me inquisitively.

"Well, my lack of. I did have a Mom. She vanished into thin air," I mumble, not bothering to keep my cards against my chest. Tara stares at me like I've just said the most obscene comment known to man.

"Vanished? How is that possible?" She gasps, placing a hand against my shoulder.

"I've been asking myself the same thing for the past seventeen and a half years." I sigh, thinking back to my childhood. The way Mom would always give me a kiss on my forehead before I went to school, the way she would collect me at the end of every day with a smile on her radiant face. Every day after school, she would take me and my delinquent half-brother into Spring Hill town centre and let us pick out a 'sweet treat'.

'A sweet treat for the sweetest kids.' She would always say. Nicholas was anything but a sweet kid. Me on the other hand, I was quite a sweetheart back then.

Fuck, I'm choking up. I've been on a no-cry streak for the past 10 years, probably because I barely talk about her. I feel so emotional today for no reason as I blink back my tears urgently. Tara gives me a thoughtful half-smile.

"I can't imagine how tough that must have been, especially when you were such a little kid. I'm sorry, Nova." She says softly, patting my shoulder. I give her a slight nod, relived that my tears have retreated back behind the eye sockets rather than spilling down my cheeks.

I can't take four and a half hours of being asked questions about my past.

"It's alright, thanks Tara. I'm think I'm going to try and get some sleep," I say softly, Tara nods at me. "Yeah, of course."

I lean back against the hardened seat and close my eyes. I'm not actually going to try and sleep, it's just a facade so nobody talks to me.

I wonder where Nicholas is now? He always hated my Mom, despite the fact she was more of a mother to him than his biological. His Mom, Annise; who was already ridden with mental illness, commit suicide a few years after my Dad left her.

In a way, aside from the reason he left Annise being that she had severe postpartum psychosis and attempted to drown Nic, my Dad also left her for my Mom.

I guess that idea fucked Nic up a little, and I don't know to this day if he ever found out the deeper reason.

Of course, I didn't find out any of this until I was a little older. Up until I was 7, I thought Nicholas just didn't like my Mom because she forced him to eat vegetables and help do the laundry. Not because of some vendetta.

Unfortunately, the vendetta was also against me. He'd take pleasure in shoving me over, ripping my hair and making me cry.

The last I saw of him, he was in a bad crowd. A crowd consisting of drug dealers and sexual predators. He used to bring them to our place unfortunately, when I was a little girl.

Yeah, I'm sure you've guessed the type of shit that happened. I got told it was 'normal' so that I didn't open my mouth about it.

—

"This is normal, okay Novie? You don't have to tell Dad. If you tell Dad, I'll be really disappointed. You don't want me to be disappointed, do you Novella?"  He says soothingly, holding down one of my wrists. I shake my head, I just want to make him happy.

He's my big brother, of course I want to make him happy and proud.

"No, I won't tell Daddy." I reply innocently, one of his friends unbuckling their belt. Why is he doing that? It isn't bedtime.

"Good girl. Just be quiet, okay Novie?" Nicky strokes a hand across my hair.
—

"It hurts. It's really hurting. Stop. Nicky, please make him stop it." I cry, batting my arms up.

Why is it hurting? Nicky doesn't want to hurt me, does he? I'm his little sister.

"Shut up, Novella. I mean it. Be fucking quiet." He snaps, and I'm instantly gripping my lip between my teeth, doing as he says.
—

Thank God I jolt awake just as the plane touches down back in Phoenix. I can feel the beads of sweat rolling down the sides of my temple. I didn't plan on falling asleep, and I'm fucking sorry that I did.

Tara is gazing over at me as I discreetly catch my breath.

"You alright? You look really ill, Nova." She asks me thoughtfully, a concerned expression on her face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. My leg is just hurting, that's all." I reply, my voice completely unsuspecting.

I'm a hell of a good liar, I think.

"Oh, yeah. You should get some more painkillers when we're back at base." She nods a few times, helping me stand up.

I feel so bad for Marcus, poor guy has to fly a plane and then drive us back to base right afterwards. His days are as bad as ours.

—

North faces us both with an expression of disappointment.

"Shields, care to explain why your fucking co-captain has a handprint shaped bruise on the side of his goddamn face?" He says sharply, gesturing to Leo's cheek.

"I didn't mean to hit him that hard." I mumble, my cheeks heating in mortification. I'm completely disappointed in myself. I'd stooped as low as him.

"You nearly knocked my Goddamn lights out." Leo hisses, and I actually want to fucking slap him again. Sure, I hit him, but it wasn't a damn Mike Tyson punch.

"Look, you'd both just had a successful mission, apart from your leg maybe," North gestures to my bandaged thigh, "laying hands on each other isn't part of the Goddamn co-captain package, you got that Shields?" He warns, earning a slow, grovelling nod from me.

He pinches between his eyebrows. "I can't believe I'm even having to do this with two fully fledged fucking adults. Both of you, out of my sight. I don't want to hear about another Goddamn dispute between the pair of you."

"Yes, Sir." We both mumble in unison, glowering at each other. North nods and waves his hands at us in a 'get the fuck out of here' manner. Leo is the first to stand up and pace out of the room, it takes me a little longer considering my bad thigh.

I walk with some difficulty back to my cabin.

"Need a hand?" Jed speaks out suddenly, striding over to me.

I shake my head with a small smile. "It's okay, I want to get used to walking on it instead of being borderline incapacitated. Thanks though."

"No problem. You did really good on the mission, restraining Ramirez and all." He chirps, earning a small chuckle from me.

Jed's a really sweet guy. Too sweet for this field.

"Just doing my job." I grin.

"I don't know how you coped with getting that shard pulled out of your leg. I'd have paid somebody to knock me out cold." He snorts, shaking his head.

"I mean, I did black out in the end. I think that was the worst pain I've felt in my whole career." I say with a groan, he nods slowly.

"That's completely understandable. I'm sure it's not every day in the office you have a chunk of metal in your thigh, right?" He chuckles, earning one back as he continues pacing alongside me, ready to offer a hand if I need it.

"Yeah, you're completely right." I grin at him, resting my hand against the door to my cabin.

"I hope North didn't give you too strict of a telling off for backhanding Leo. I mean, I don't know the history, but I understand what it feels like when somebody crosses a line; especially when family is involved." He reassures me.

"The telling off wasn't half as bad as I was expecting. Still, I shouldn't have hit him. Low on my behalf." I roll my shoulders.

"Hey, we've all wanted to hit Leo once in our lives! No matter how good of a pal he is to me." He says, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips.

I laugh lightly as I push open my door. "Yeah, you might be right on that one. Thanks Jed." I speak warmly. He nods.

"Just call if you need anything, alright?"

"Yeah, okay. Thanks." I smile at him. He nods before leaving me in peace as I walk into my cabin.

Alone at last. Well, for about 30 minutes.

—
🎼No Surprises - Radiohead
—

A crack of a knuckle against my door makes me hurry getting dried and dressed as I step out of the shower. "One minute!"

Shoving my legs through a pair of shorts with best effort considering my thigh, I pace over to the door and open it up wide. I wish I hadn't.

"Can I come in?" Leo asks me, his dark eyes menacing as per normal. I hesitantly step back a little, glancing backwards into my room before at him again.

"I suppose so." I mumble, trudging back into my room with Leo following. He shuts the door behind him as I sit down on my bed.

"What do you want?" I ask him, voice filled with uncertainty. He takes a seat on a stool across the room.

"An answer. Why did you hit me?" He demands, but in a somewhat soft tone.

"Because you were pissing me off, and I was just so overworked I-" I start.

"No. I'm not literally asking why. I mean, why did you hit me when I mentioned your Mom?" He asks quietly, propping his elbows against his knees as he leans forward. I look away, not able to make eye contact with him.

"I'm sorry I hit you. It was low, despite the fact that it was you." I mutter, changing the subject. I've already been emotional once today, being emotional in front of Leo wasn't on my agenda.

"I don't actually care that you hit me. I'm sorry if I overstepped a boundary." He sighs.

Did he just fucking apologise?

"It's fine," I say quietly before gesturing to my door, "okay, we're even now. You can go."

He doesn't leave. Instead, he just stands up and paces over to the framed photograph sat on my bedside cabinet. "That your family?" He asks, picking up the photograph.

"Yeah." I reply bluntly, a little irritated that he didn't leave on my demand.

"So what's the deal? You look pretty happy on this picture." He quirks an eyebrow, examining the photo.

"That's the point of a photograph, Leo. They become visuals of the past. Memories." I mumble, glaring at him frustratedly and hoping he takes the 'get out' hint.

"Poetic," he murmurs sarcastically. "So what happened? And why is that guy only half in the picture?" He gestures to Nicholas.

"Because he's unhinged." I mutter, completely matter of fact. Leo actually snorts a little.

"Is that your 'nutcase' brother?" He questions, leaning a little closer to the picture. I just nod, snatching the picture away from him and placing it face down on the bedside table.

"You got that right." I bite out. Again, instead of leaving, he just stands completely still, like a concrete statue bound to the floor.

"Tell me." He demands.

My face twists into complete shock at his bluntness, and at his motherfucking audacity. "No, Leo! You can't just demand an answer out of me." I bark, eyebrow twitching in annoyance.

"Please, I just want to know. I'm allowed to say I'm curious after I got backhanded when I mentioned your Mom." He says, his tone softening.

He's really not going to let this up, is he? With a loud exasperated sigh, I nod slightly. "Fine, sit down. You're banned for making any snide remarks. Got it?"

"Loud and clear." He raises his hand in a defensive motion as he sits back down in the stool.

"Well, what do you want to know?" I shrug, leaning back slightly against my headboard.

"Whatever you can bring yourself to tell me." He shrugs.

That's a question I don't even know the answer to, so I simply just start talking.

"Well. My childhood up to a certain point was great, ideal. I grew up in a big old farmhouse that had belonged to my Grandparents. The guy in the picture, Nicholas, is my half brother. My Dad left his Mom for my Mom. Even though he was so young, so I don't even know if he can remember his biological Mom, he held it against my Mom and me."

"His Mom committed suicide after a few years. Nicholas grew up unhinged, despite the good life my Mom and Dad offered him. He was, well, awful."

"Anyway, when I was 7, Nicholas just upped and left. He was involved with some really bad crowds. The year after, my Mom disappeared. Vanished like she was never there. The last memory I have of her, she was going to the store to pick up some groceries. Never saw her again." I say with a sigh, already rambling a whole lot more than I intended. I guess Leo unfortunately has a point in calling me a motormouth.

He, surprisingly, is completely quiet as he listens.

"As soon as she disappeared, my Dad got it into his head that something would happen to me. He trained me using his old veteran skills to protect myself, hence how I ended up in this field. My Mom was a complete angel. She would always try her best to make sure I was happy. She worked so hard. We had this jar that she created. Whenever each of us did an act of kindness, she'd put a dollar in the jar."

I'm just absolutely pouring out my memories. I'd only planned to say a few basic words.

"Every weekend, we'd get to spend our 'kindness points' in the local town. Nicholas called the idea stupid, I completely loved it. She'd always take me to this store filled with Barbie dolls so I could pick out a new one. Then we'd go to this cafe called 'Sweet Pickins.' I always had an Oreo milkshake, she always had a green-"

I don't even realise what's happening until the tears are already spilling down my cheeks. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I spilling up all of this shit to Leo?

I can't even continue talking because I'm being choked by the lump in my throat. For the first time in 10 whole years, I'm sobbing my fucking heart out; to Leo Hendrix of all people.

"Sorry." I sniff, looking away from him and wiping my eyes in a futile attempt to stop the crying.

In my peripheral, I can see him standing up and pacing over before sitting down next to me.

"Nova, don't apologise. Come here," he whispers.